27. Chapter 27
Chapter 27
Lennox
Three days after the kiss that shifted me on my axis, Ainsley, Rina, and Willow called Roxie to see if she and Ivy wanted to have a girls’ night. Whatever that means, it’s led to unwillingly hosting a guys’ night at my house as a consequence of the women kicking the men out. Because there aren’t two other houses they could congregate at.
We’ve been dancing around each other all week, and it’s starting to piss me off. When I joined her in bed that night, things felt different, like there was a real chance for us. And then the next morning, it was business as usual. I took her lead, and now I’m regretting it.
Roxie and my Pixie just left, and I’m anxiously waiting for Oakley, Ledger, and Arlo to show up. Before she left, Roxie made sure to triple-check that I was okay. Her overcaution is cute, but I’ve been walking without my brace since the weekend, and I’m feeling good. My head, however, is a fucking mess over this woman. I jacked off for the first time in months after our kiss, to her. It’s a warning that I’m too far gone for this woman, but I have no idea how to move forward. Or how to take a giant step back .
There’s also the fact that walking on the trails is still not happening. It’s been in the back of my mind since she first suggested it, but now it feels vital to take that step.
So, as much as I don’t want to have the guys over, I do think it’s an opportunity to talk things over and see if they have any tips on figuring this out. Freaking out every time I step on a trail is not an option. Oakley and Arlo have gone to—or are still going to—therapy, so the stigma doesn’t feel as huge with them.
Ledger is another story. He’s my big brother, the man who stepped up when our parents died and not only cared for but raised an unruly fourteen-year-old. Admitting I’m not okay to him feels hard. He would never judge me or think less of me, I know that, but it’s like telling a parent that you are drowning. I don’t want to make him feel like he’s failed. If anything, he saved me. Forcing Roxie into my stratosphere is the one thing that’s seemed to break through all the self-doubt and me ignoring the problem.
“Yo!” Oakley yells as my door crashes open.
“Yo?” I raise an eyebrow at him. “Absolutely not.” I shake my head in mock disappointment.
“It felt bad as I said it.” He shakes his head in regret. “You sound like you’ve had a good day?” He smiles as he shuts the door and joins me on the couch.
“I’ve had a shit day, actually.” I grin. Although it’s the truth, with how much conflict is in my head, I do somehow feel more like me than I have in a long while.
“Damn, I’m sorry.”
I don’t get a chance to refute his apology because Arlo and Ledger walk in .
“We brought food,” Arlo says in his usual bored inflection, placing a bag from Sal’s Diner on the table.
“Thanks.” I nod in greeting.
Ledger starts pulling out food, laying containers of wings and onion rings out on my coffee table.
“You better get a towel and put it under there. Rina will kill us if we fuck up this table.” Arlo bumps Ledger’s shoulder. His die-hard support of Rina makes me chuckle as Ledger walks off to grab a towel.
“You know she’d just make me a new one,” I tease. Being the baby of the family does have its perks sometimes.
“Not with how busy she is, she won’t, Lenny,” he counters.
My heart warms at how successful Rina’s business has become, but it also hurts seeing how out of the loop I’ve been. A whole-ass relationship—a marriage, at that—has happened while I’ve buried my head in the sand.
The cheerfulness seems to be sucked from the room in an instant, or maybe it’s just me. Either way, the four of us dig into the food without another word.
The football game on in the background does nothing to calm my racing thoughts. Ledger must pick up on it because, once the wings start dwindling, he makes eye contact with me and gestures to the back porch.
As much as I don’t want to go out and talk to him, the guilt will never lessen unless I do. I need to talk things out and explain why Tennison’s words have fucked with me for so long. If I’m serious about finding a way to move forward with my life, make the progress I’m so desperate for, this is a necessary step.
Sighing, I nod and slowly stand up. After the past couple of days of working out hard, my leg is feeling it. I’ve always heard the cold makes old injuries act up, but it feels like, for me, stress is what affects every muscle in my body to the point of pain.
“We’ll be back.” Ledger says the words like they’re law. And I guess, in the Hutton family, they are.
Dropping into the Adirondack chair, I watch as he closes the back door and sits in the one next to me.
He’s waiting me out, and I fucking hate it. When you know there’s something that needs to be addressed, the anticipation wars with the dread. It’s making me feel like I’m a kid again, getting in trouble in school for being the class clown.
“I can’t get on a trail,” I whisper, my voice breaking as I try to get the sentence out.
I can feel his gaze on the side of my face, but if I want to get this all out, I can’t look at him. I can’t see the disappointment, the concern, the pity.
“I have flashbacks of when he took me, and I just … can’t cope. Physically, I feel mostly great. My leg is on the upswing, and the scars have all healed. But mentally…” I trail off, unsure of how much I really want to say. “Mentally, I can’t get past his words. I know he’s dead. I know he can’t hurt me anymore. But he knew things that not even you know.”
Fuck, I hate this so much.
“That night … the night our parents died, I called them when they were on the road. I didn’t want them to go on vacation. I can’t even remember why I didn’t want them to go; that’s what’s so fucked up. I called them, and they were getting ready to turn around and come home because of me. Then we got the call that they were gone, and I didn’t want you all to know what I did. I was so scared about what would happen. I didn’t want you to hate me, so I held on to it for all these years, the guilt just eating away at me slowly without me even realizing.” The tears are welling up in my eyes, and I can do nothing to stop them. I told the whole family the gist of this, but I didn’t pinpoint why it’s so hard to get past.
“Len.” Ledger’s voice cracks. “Their death was not on you. You believe that now, right?”
“No,” I choke out, the tears flowing steadily now. “Tennison knew all of it. He talked about it, how it was all my fault, as he sliced into my skin. Every cut on my torso accompanied words of fault. Every time I look in the mirror, I remember that I was the reason our parents died. The scars are a physical reminder to never let me forget how terrible I really am.” A sob breaks free, and I claw at my chest to try and get a full breath.
Firm hands grab my shoulders and shake me. “Lennox, listen to me.” Ledger’s voice holds so much worry it pulls me out of my breakdown for a second. “You. Are. Not. To. Blame. For. Their. Death.” Each word, he punctuates with a little shake of my shoulders. “I don’t know how Tennison found out about that, but he was a psychopath whose main objective was to terrorize people. He was extremely good at doing it too. He was wrong about this, though, okay?”
“How do you know?” I hiccup, feeling more like a little kid than I ever have before.
“Because I knew you called them. I knew they were coming home, and they didn’t have an ounce of regret about it. They called me to let me know and to make sure you were okay. They were struck by a drunk driver. There is no fault by you, me, or anyone else besides the drunk driver.” He ducks down to make sure I hold his stare.
“How do I let go of the guilt?” I ask, pain so prevalent in my voice, I couldn’t hide it even if I wanted to. “When I see it every time I look at my body?” I gesture to my chest, pounding it with my first hard enough to hurt.
The tears in his eyes make me collapse against him. This isn’t what I wanted to happen when I confronted everything, but it’s what needed to happen instead.
We both cry. We cry for the past, for the guilt, for the last few months when everything seems too hard, and we cry for me. I’ve finally stopped trying to hide all the pain, and the dam has broken.
It could be minutes or hours before I calm down enough to pull back and swipe at my face. Ledger does the same and sits in the chair next to me.
“How can I help you with this?” he asks, his voice soft but no less impactful.
“This helped.” I huff out a laugh.
“Good. We waited too long to talk about things, and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t want to push you, and I think in hindsight that was a mistake.”
“I certainly didn’t make it easy for anyone.” I look at him with an eyebrow raised.
“That Hutton stubborn streak is alive and well at least.” He smirks.
“Just ask Roxie; I’m sure she’ll tell you how prevalent it is.” I smile.
He pauses for a second, looking like he’s debating with himself. “She’s good for you.”
A simple statement and most likely not meant how I’m taking it.
“More than you know,” I whisper.
“She’s the reason any of this has happened, isn’t she? She’s pushing you, not just physically. ”
“Roxie and Ivy are … so good. ” I can’t find the words to explain how much the two of them have made me re-evaluate things. How they’ve helped me through the hardest time in my life to come out the other side and not drown in the grief of losing myself. That’s not even considering my attraction to her.
“They are,” he muses. “I’m sorry I didn’t help you figure all of this out more and help you with the guilt. I didn’t know, but that’s not an excuse. You’re my brother, and I should have done everything in my power to help you. I failed you on that, and I’m sorry, Len.” The heartbreak in his voice has me fighting tears again.
“You did help,” I barely get out through my tightening throat.
“No, Roxie helped. I’m going to have to do something big for her,” he says to lighten the mood, but I don’t bite.
“You hired Roxie; don’t discount that.” I don’t want him to have any guilt because of me. Lord knows, I’ve had enough of it for the whole family.
He bows his head. “I’m glad she was able to help when we couldn’t; that’s all I’m saying.”
“Me too. There’s still a lot to work through, but I’m trying.”
“You’re doing a damn fine job, Len. And I’m here for whatever you need, okay? Call me, text me whenever. Any time of day or night, and I’ll be right over. Willow and Rina too.”
“I know. I appreciate it. I just need to face things head-on, I think. The scars…” I trail off.
“It’s hard to see every single day and move past what happened,” he says with understanding. “I can look into something. I don’t know, maybe a plastic surgeon? And see if there is something we can do about them. ”
“I don’t know…” The thought of doing more, potentially having more surgery or different scars, doesn’t exactly appeal to me.
“Just think about it. I can look for options, okay? No decisions need to be made today.”
I nod, unable to respond. It’s a conversation that’s been long overdue but one I don’t even want to consider right now. The emotional drain is hitting me hard.
We sit outside for a few more minutes, silently processing everything that was said between the two of us. For once, it feels comfortable, not like I’m trying to put on a mask and prove to everyone that I’m perfectly fine.
Ledger shifts and looks inside over his shoulder. “Well, I’m going to head in and send the guys home if that’s cool.”
“Let them stay. I’m good. Like, actually good this time.” I start to stand.
He joins me, and we head inside to a worried Oakley and Arlo.
“I’m good, I promise,” I tell them to ease the concern on their faces.
They sink back down onto the couches as Ledger joins them, and I slowly make my way to the chair. I can feel how tense everyone is. They aren’t sure how to act around me, and I hate it.
Clearing my throat, I try something to pull the attention off me. “Have either of you found out anything else about Roxie’s family?”
Ledger tilts his head in confusion but stays quiet.
“I found record of her parents’ deaths and then the court documentation naming Greg and Pam guardians. Outside of what we already knew, I didn’t find anything of note, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t anything going on,” Arlo says .
“I sent that to Woodcroft, but he hasn’t gotten back to me yet. It’s not a priority and he’s working on other cases, so I’m not sure how quickly he’ll get back to me,” Oakley says apologetically.
“So far, she hasn’t seen them again. At least, she hasn’t told me she has, but I don’t want to discount them finding her.”
“Can I ask something?” The three of us nod in answer to Ledger’s question. “What the hell is happening?”
I let out a chuckle at the patriarch of the family being annoyed for being left out.
“Roxie and Ivy have moved around a lot. It sounds like her uncle and aunt take advantage of her and then threaten to take away Ivy. She said she’s seen them in town a couple of times a little while ago, and I called these two to do some research. I don’t think they’ve ever stayed anywhere for longer than six months.”
“Shit. Do you guys have pictures? Can we send them in the group chat so we can all keep an eye out?” Ledger jumps in immediately, and I’m so grateful for a family that is there for each other no matter what.
Arlo looks over at me, eyebrow raised, giving me the option to say no. But that’s the last thing I want. I want Roxie and Ivy to stay in Bluebell Falls, and if we’re able to get ahead of Greg and Pam, that’s what I want. I nod, and Arlo immediately pulls up his phone, shooting a couple of pictures and an explanation to the family.
“I want to make sure they’re safe, maybe get them to stay here.” I say the last part on a whisper, unsure why I even said it.
“Oh shit, you like her,” Oakley says with glee.
“She’s your physical therapist,” Arlo deadpans .
“Oh please, let’s not play high and mighty. Besides, Roxie’s far too professional to let anything happen while he’s technically under her care, so we’ve got time to get her to stay at least,” Ledger says with a smirk.
They’re all joking and plotting, but his words stick in my head. She’s too professional to let anything happen while under her care. I’ll admit I’ve briefly thought about that, but it hasn’t crossed my mind once while I jacked off to thoughts of her or imagined her staying in Bluebell Falls. It certainly hasn’t crossed my mind while I read Ivy bedtime stories either.
All I’ve thought about is keeping them. And that kiss says she’s not thinking so professionally at times either.
But this is a roadblock I didn’t put much thought behind. Ledger’s right, though—Roxie is way too by-the-book to jeopardize her career by doing anything with a patient. Which is why she’s done everything in her power to ignore the kiss even happened, I realize.
Fuck.
Maybe this is the motivation I need to push myself past the uncomfortable. Push past the mental block and get to a place where I don’t need her as my physical therapist anymore. I don’t need my brace much now, except when I’m tired. I mean, how much longer will I actually be her patient?
But would she stay? Would they want to continue staying in my house if they do? Would she even consider wanting me for the long-term?
All questions I don’t have answers to, much to my frustration. But I have time to get them.
I have to bust my ass and face my fear of the trails.
Should be super easy. Yeah, right.