Chapter 7
S hit , she thought miserably, both aroused and frustrated. On top of all her other problems, she definitely didn’t need a broken heart. He sent the most mixed signals of any man she’d ever known and it was confusing. Until yesterday, there had never been anything personal between them and his sudden interest was a bit unnerving. Sex was easy, and she’d slept with more men than she cared to count, but it had been a long time since she’d been this worked up after a brief kiss. Even longer since she’d been this confused. Other than Viggo, she’d rarely given men a second thought. Her usual method was to have sex and move on. With Viggo, their marriage had been brief but the sex had been plentiful and satisfying—to the extent her emotional issues had allowed her to enjoy it. She’d become obsessed with spanking and whipping, something Viggo disliked. Jamie, however, loved it and the last few months had provided her both the physical pain she’d craved as well as the emotional bond she had with both of them. Though she wouldn’t classify it as love, it was definitely friendship that was a lot deeper than most of the relationships she’d ever had .
It had been around three weeks since they’d last had sex and she found herself missing it. Both the physical and emotional, she realized. Viggo was deeply in love with Jamie, but he and Emilie had known each other for over a decade and between their marriage, their daughter, and Emilie’s complete support of his bisexuality, they were closer than any other divorced couple she’d ever known. By the same token, Jamie loved Viggo enough to understand the bond she and Viggo shared, and he’d been equally loving and supportive of her as she’d spiraled out of control the last couple of months. Being without them now left her lonely, and Chains’ sudden attention was showing her just how much she missed home .
Slipping down the stairs and out the front door, she walked towards the fountain that was now softly lit by bulbs along the edges. The water glowed prettily and she reached out a hand to let it wash over her fingers. She had nowhere to go and nothing to do, for the first time in a long time, and it was an odd feeling that added to her loneliness. Everything that had happened had been of her own doing, but she was beginning to realize just how far she’d pushed everyone away. Her twin was still furious with her for marrying a man he’d been sure would hurt her, and he’d sent her a scathing email after the divorce had been final. Karl had said he would talk to him, but she was too intent on her own misery to worry about Sebastian. Now she felt bad about that; they were twins and had shared almost everything up until she’d decided to keep her pregnancy a secret .
She’d also kept her distance from Karl, his wonderful wife, Kate, and even their mother, who was in Las Vegas for a few months. Shame, fear they would judge her and reluctance to answer the questions that would undoubtedly come if she allowed them to get close enough had been her motivation, but now it felt wrong. If she was going to prison, she’d wasted time that could have been spent with her family and people she cared about. They would be so disappointed in her, but they would still love her. Of that she was sure. It just seemed so complicated to explain what had happened and why she needed to put the past behind her. Of everyone, she knew Karl would understand and support anything she wanted to do, but the thought of disappointing him had made her reluctant to share anything .
Impulsively, she pulled out her phone. Without giving herself a chance to change her mind, she dialed his number and waited as it rang .
“Em?” Karl sounded out of breath .
“Hi. Do you have a minute ?”
“I’m just leaving the gym, but of course I have time. Are you okay? Where are you ?”
“I’m fine. I’m with Chains, visiting his mum—long story .”
“What’s going on, Em? Everyone is worried about you and it seems you’ve told all of us a slightly different story about where you are and what you’re doing .”
“I…I have to tell you something and I need you to listen and not say anything. I just, I need to talk to someone who won’t judge me or try to change my mind .”
“Of course.” Karl’s voice softened. “What’s wrong, ?lskling ?” Honey .
She told him everything that had happened with Adam, the nightmares that began after Simone was born, the demise of her marriage and her ever-increasing need for pain and humiliation. Finally, she told him about her plan to turn herself in to Scotland Yard .
“Oh, Emilie.” Karl’s voice seemed thick with emotion. “Why didn’t you come to me ?”
“You’re my big brother! I didn’t want to tell you what a mess I was. I mean, you saw some of it when Therese was blackmailing me, but I was already feeling bad enough about that, how could I tell you it was even worse than you knew ?”
“ Because I’m your big brother,” he responded gently. “It’s my job to protect you when I can and be there for you when I can’t—like I did when I finally realized what Therese was doing to you. What can I do, Em? Do you need me to come to England ?”
“No.” Her voice broke slightly as she basked in his acceptance and instinctive need to protect her. “I’ve promised Chains seven days to try to dig up the details of what happened and then we’ll decide on the best way to handle it .”
“Just promise me one thing .”
“Of course .”
“You’ll allow me to get you the best possible lawyer—even if you’re guilty, I want you treated fairly and to be kept out of the press as much as possible .”
“I promise,” she said softly .
“We’re supposed to go to Ottawa tomorrow,” he said. “The sentencing will be any day now and we want to be there with Jamie and Viggo, but I can come to England from there if you need me to .”
“Let’s talk after the sentencing,” she said. “Jamie might need you more than I do, depending on what happens .”
“All right.” He paused. “I love you, Em .”
“I love you too.” She disconnected and put her phone in her back pocket, jumping when Chains’ deep voice broke through the stillness of the night .
“Dinner’s ready .”
She put a hand over her heart. “You scared me !”
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I was coming to get you and it didn’t seem prudent to interrupt .”
“You could have just gone back inside,” she said, sticking her hands in the pockets of her jeans .
“I’m a spy,” he laughed. “I spy on people. It’s instinctive .”
She rolled her eyes. “Lovely. I’ll be sure to remember that when I’m in the shower .”
“Love, if I want to see you naked, there won’t be any spying—I’ll just ask you to take off your clothes .”
She leveled her gaze at him. “We discussed this already, didn’t we ?”
“We did, but we’re going to be sharing a bed for the next six or seven nights, so we should verify the ground rules .”
“No sex,” she said automatically. “No more examples of the so-called chemistry between us .”
“What if you change your mind and attack me in my sleep? Am I to turn you down?” His face was serious though his eyes twinkled with mirth .
She shook her head in exasperation. “If I find myself unable to control the raging passion within, and I attack you as you sleep, be prepared to find yourself bound and gagged .”
He arched a brow. “ Promise ?”
She rolled her eyes and strode past him towards the house but he snaked out a hand to grab her arm. “ Em ?”
She glanced over her shoulder at him .
“It makes my mum happy to think I’m finally going to settle down—can we just keep up the charade until we leave ?”
She nodded. “If that’s what you want, I’ll play along, but in private, we have to keep things platonic .”
“If that’s what you want .”
“It is .”
E milie excused herself to take a shower after supper and Chains helped his mother clean the kitchen. It had been a quiet but friendly meal as Dolores caught Chains up on the lives of people he’d known while growing up and told stories of him as a child. Emilie had been amused but subdued, making herself scarce at the first opportunity. As she wiped down the counters, Dolores waited for Chains to come in from taking out the trash .
“Come sit with me,” she said, motioning towards her sitting room. She sank into her favorite chair and took out the scarf she’d been knitting. It was bright pink and would have splashes of purple in it when it was done. She made them for the children in the cancer ward at the local hospital because they appreciated them and it gave her something to do now that she’d retired .
“I’ve some things I need to do,” he said, following her .
“I haven’t seen you in five bloody years,” she said, her fingers working the needles deftly. “Sit your arse down and let’s have a chat .”
He sighed, but was smiling as he sank onto the floor beside her chair, just as he’d done when he was a child. She’d read to him in this chair, rocked him in it and swatted him on the head with whatever she had handy while sitting there as well. It made him smile as he thought about it and he wasn’t surprised when she reached out to run her fingers through his dreads .
“When did you get these?” she asked. “They’re interesting—make you look like a villain .”
He shrugged. “I guess I was. That’s why I got them—gave me more credibility with the bad guys .”
“You’re not a villain.” She gripped his chin and tipped his face up so he was looking at her. “You’re my strong, noble, reliable Darryl. Always up for doing the right thing—in school, in the military, and I’m sure when you were with intelligence as well. What’s happened to you, my beautiful boy? Why has the light gone out of your eyes ?”
He’d gone up against some of the toughest, meanest, most vile human beings in existence during his time with MI6 and had never once broken down or given up, but his mother’s loving words combined with her fixed stare was more than he could stand. He gently moved her hand so he could turn his head, but he didn’t get up .
“Something happened,” she persisted. “You’re different. Not just the hair and tattoos, but your soul—I see it clear as day in your eyes. You’re suffering, my boy, and you’re not leaving my sight until I know why .”
He sighed heavily and rested his head against her leg, just like he’d done when he was a little boy. It had always been just the two of them and they’d been close. Even when he’d gone away to attend Oxford or when he’d been in the military. It had been harder once he’d been recruited by MI6, but he’d still kept in touch. It wasn’t until he’d been betrayed by someone close to him he’d had to cut off all communication. He’d told her he would be dropping off the grid and had come up with a code name with which he could send her the occasional postcard, but after what happened on that mission he’d moved to the United States and had never looked back. He knew she had to have been hurt and confused, but he didn’t know how to explain it .
“Whatever it is, love, you’ll get past it. No matter what, you know Mummy loves you, yeah ?”
He smiled, loving the timbre of her voice and the way she stroked his hair. “I know .”
“You haven’t fooled me,” she said softly. “Something isn’t right with you and Emilie either, and I don’t know if it’s because of this nonsense about her killing someone or whatever it is you’re hiding, but the two of you would be stronger if you stood together instead of fighting whatever it is you’re feeling .”
“She’s dealing with her own shit, doesn’t have the time for mine .”
“I think you underestimate her. She’s stronger than she appears .”
“She’s one of the strongest women I know—been through so much but always gives a hundred percent to everything: her child, her friends, her job…she’s a bit of a mystery to me, but a good woman .”
“You’re not really engaged, are you?” Dolores took up her knitting again. “You came here for something other than just seeing me and thought you’d distract me by bringing around a fake fiancée. Stop lying, Darryl. Just tell me the truth .”
“I—” He sighed. “It’s complicated. As we drove here and she told me about this situation she’s in, all I could think about was taking care of her, rescuing her from herself. I thought it would make you happy to tell you we were dating and when I ran the idea by her she seemed willing to play along. But every time we talk about being engaged it feels…like more than a ruse. I don’t bloody know why. I don’t do relationships. I don’t even know the woman, not really! She’s my boss. I came to find her because all of our friends back home were worried about her and then…” He paused, unwilling to talk about how he’d found her. “She was emotionally overwrought,” he said finally. “She feels she needs to be punished but doesn’t even know what happened exactly. I’m so bloody attracted to her, but I don’t dare get involved .”
“You’re already involved,” his mother responded, her eyes never leaving the needles in her hands .
“You know what I mean .”
“I do. But it doesn’t change the facts. You’re already involved . Maybe not the way you want to be, but something’s there. You just have to be man enough to embrace it .”
“Mum, if I can’t take the chance that someone from my past would come after you, how could I possibly take that chance with a woman? And, God help me, a family ?”
“What’s the point of living if you don’t enjoy it? Why did you risk your life for your country if not to be able to enjoy the freedom to live? And your Emilie seems as lost as you are, love. Seems to me all that kinky nonsense in the bedroom makes you blind to what’s real and what’s sex !”
“Mum!” He had no idea she knew what kind of club Inferno was, or that he dabbled in the BDSM lifestyle .
“You think I’m old or stupid?” she chuckled. “I know where you work, I know the types of places you frequent…I have the internet, you know .”
“Mum!” Chains couldn’t remember the last time he’d blushed, but he knew his face had to be flaming right now .
“Oh, bollocks, as if your generation invented kinky sex? Don’t be a prat! You think I never had a pair of handcuffs or an anal plug ?”
“Mum!” Chains was covering his ears, eyes closed and shaking his head. “Bloody hell, I’m having heart palpitations !”
She rolled her eyes. “Listen to me!” She smacked the back of his head with her knitting. “Are you listening ?”
“Ow! Bloody hell, yes, I’m listening!” He glared at her but the look on her face was serious .
“Whatever happened with MI6 is in the past. You’ve moved on and started a new life. You have a job and, from what I’ve heard tonight, good friends. Your boss—the man in New York ?”
“Joe.” Chains nodded .
“Joe seems like an excellent chap who looks out for you and found you this job that…you enjoy on every level. Now there’s a woman that has you thinking about your future but you’re reluctant to start up with her because you think the past deserves more power than the present. That’s rubbish. The present is all you have, son, and sometimes you have to take what it offers .”
“Mum, it’s so much more complicated than that,” he said wearily .
“Rubbish!” she repeated, holding out the scarf and eying it carefully. “I think the purple dinosaur should go on the end, yeah ?”
He raised an eyebrow. “ Mum .”
“Complicated because you think someone from the past will come after you?” she continued as though she hadn’t stopped. “Big deal. Last summer Eloise Royce’s son-in-law drank himself under at the local pub and drove right through her bloody living room, with her in her rocker. Killed her, he did. Right in her living room. And Phineus Canter’s new grandson died in his crib. Healthy as a horse, that SIDS horror—no rhyme or reason. None of them spies or mafia or any of it. Just regular people, dead for no reason. Sometimes, the danger is here,” she pointed to her temple. “Not out there.” She motioned with her hand. “As for the bedroom — ”
“We are not going to talk about the bedroom!” he growled .
“We’ll talk about whatever I say we’ll talk about,” she snapped back. “I don’t know what game you and Emilie are playing, but I’m guessing it’s not in the bedroom, and it should be .”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake…” He threw up his hands. “Why is everyone so determined to put us together? I’m sorry I tried to fool you with the fake fiancé stuff, but I thought it would make you happy! We’re not dating, not engaged—hell, we’ve never even slept together! What a cock-up this is !”
She chuckled. “Actually, it’s quite brilliant. I want you to carry on your little game. If not for yourself, then for her. That girl desperately needs someone to love her. Even if it’s not forever love, she needs love and she needs it now. She needs to feel it right down to her toes, that there’s a man who wants more than just her fanny! And none of that BDSM nonsense—” She held up a hand when he started to protest. “There’s nothing wrong with it, shag to your heart’s content like that when this is over, but it’s not what she needs now ; Emilie needs plain old love. Nothing more, nothing less. She needs a man who can make her parts quiver from just the touch of his hand—not a paddle or a vibrator. She needs someone to heal her soul , and that’s exactly the type of man you are. You’re not this closed-off bloke with dreadlocks and a piss-poor attitude—you’re strong and stubborn but also gallant and loyal and caring. If you don’t want to be that man anymore for yourself, be him for her. Plain as the nose on my face, that girl doesn’t need anything except someone to show her the power of true love. If you can do that, whatever’s in the past will work itself out. Trust me .”
“Bloody hell.” He rubbed his hands down his face. How in the hell had he gotten himself into this ?
“You’re only here six more days,” she reminded him. “What difference does it make if you carry on the charade if it helps her ?”
“So you want me to not just pretend for you, but pretend for her as well? You want me to pretend that I’m falling in love with her because you think it’s what she needs ?”
“Why not? I won’t give you away and if you never believe anything else I say, believe this: I’m a woman and I recognize another woman’s pain. All she needs is love. Mr. John Lennon said it first and I’m saying it now .”
Chains made a face at her .
“Now be a good lad and go pour me a wee bit of scotch, will you ?”
Chains frowned. “Since when do you drink scotch ?”
“Since I’m too old for anal plugs and nipple clamps. Go on then !”