Requiem (Blackwater Pack #5)

Chapter 8

8

LULU

Normally hanging out with some of my favorite humans on the face of the earth breathed life into me.

But not tonight.

After a meeting where nothing was really accomplished except leaving me feeling even shittier than before, I was ready to call it a damn night. Sometimes a girl needed to embrace her inner regency heroine, and right now all I wanted was to take to my bed.

Maybe a week of sleep would give me clarity as to how I’d managed to spectacularly fuck things up.

“Does that make any sense?”

Addie’s question yanked me from the stupor I’d been in, and I forced myself to refocus. Where were we again?

Oh, right.

Discussing the elemental who had slipped past my wards—wards that I’d set up to protect this land and these people.

And all it took was one power spirit elemental to remind me of how pathetically outmatched I was. I sank deeper into the couch in the family living room, the large space had a ton of seating and was designed for comfort.

Clearing my throat, I channeled all my efforts into staying present for this conversation, even though it felt like chewing glass.

Looking into Addie’s bright green eyes, I tried not to wince at the protective arm Nikolai had wrapped around his mate. Or the way she so effortlessly leaned against him to absorb his strength. What would it be like to have that unerring support and love?

Dimitri shifted against me, his skin brushing mine and setting off a cascade of goosebumps and longing. Biting the inside of my cheek, I tried to shift away, but he seemed as drawn to me as Nikolai was to Addie.

“Lu?” he murmured, his tone soft enough for only me to hear as his gaze collided with mine.

Shit . My brain had wandered off again, and I repeated Addie’s question in my head: Does that make any sense?

“Not really,” I finally answered, the admission tasting like ash on my tongue. “But we don’t know a lot about spirit elementals. I mean, all I’ve heard are the horror stories about how awful they are.”

How awful I was. Because there was no denying that half of my magic was rooted in chaos and death.

“I thought there weren’t many of those,” Skye said gently, almost like she knew I was close to breaking. “Didn’t you say most were killed a long time ago?”

“That’s what I was told,” I replied, realizing how pathetic it was that the only thing I knew about half of my biology was monster stories my coven had told me. “But who really knows?” I could still see the disgust and horror etched on my mother’s face the few times she’d spoken of my father. Of how he’d used his magic to seduce and exile her from her family until the coven stepped in and saved her.

Unease churned in my gut as I remembered there was someone else here I could ask. “I think it’s time I started pressing Jack more about his family. He made it seem like they were transient and only possessed earth abilities and he was the outlier, but I think he’s been lying.” My head dropped at the realization that the headway I thought I’d made with Jack was useless.

Just like me .

My shoulders slumped, the physical weight of my failures threatening to bury me alive.

Dimitri pulled me tighter, ducking his head to press his lips against the side of my head. “It’s not your fault, Lu. You wanted to see the best in him.”

I ground my back teeth together and tried to blink away the sting of tears.

“He’s right,” Tasha jumped in, always my champion. “You’ve got the biggest heart, sweet girl. None of this is your fault.”

“Isn’t it?” I eventually choked out, tears blurring my vision. “I couldn’t stop her. She would have killed you all, and I couldn’t do a damn thing. I know nothing about my abilities. She used hers like she’d been trained for years. Maybe if I tried harder?—”

“No,” Dimitri said sharply, gripping my jaw and making me look him in the eyes. “None of this is on you, Lu. Don’t even think that.” His eyes blazed with a fierce sort of protectiveness that stole my breath.

I managed an audible swallow. “I think I’d like to go back upstairs now.”

Dimitri’s gaze softened, likely sensing my retreat. “Lulu.”

“I’m tired, Dimitri, and I know we still have a lot to cover, like how Addie came back,” I said woodenly, turning away from him to stare at my hands folded on my lap. “But can we table it until tomorrow? I can’t do this right now.”

I felt the weight of Dimitri’s stare as he tried to figure out how to help me. How to make this better for me.

But he couldn’t. No one could fix this, except maybe me.

And if I was our last hope, we were so screwed.

I tried to hide the way my hands trembled. I knew my legs were basically jelly. If I tried to stand, I’d probably collapse, and while I felt like crawling out of this room, I didn’t actually want to make an ever bigger fool of myself. “Can you help me?” I flinched because relying on Dimitri was dangerous. “Or can someone else?”

“Of course I will,” Dimitri muttered, the sharp edge to his tone letting me know he was insulted that I’d even suggested someone else help me.

Without missing a beat, Dimitri stood and swung me up into his arms with an audible hiss of pain. He swallowed the sound behind a grunt, but my gaze flew to him. I’d crawl if it meant sparing him any sort of agony.

His gaze narrowed on me, daring me to even suggest he put me down.

Tucking my head against his shoulder, I hid my face as he carried me from the room and up the stairs.

Each step he took, I tried to shore up more defenses. I imagined going through the next steps.

Shower. New clothes. Brush my teeth. Bed.

I repeated the four tasks like a personal mantra until Dimitri kicked open my bedroom door with his foot.

He stepped into the room lit only by the fireplace. Shadows flickered around the space, and it helped knowing I wouldn’t have to see his face.

But instead of simply putting me down, he walked to the en suite bathroom and set me on the countertop beside the sink. “Shower?” Strip lights under the counter illuminated the bathroom in a hazy wash of buttery light that ascended into inky darkness around the ceiling.

My mouth opened and clicked shut before I nodded. “Yeah. Um, thanks. You can go?—”

“Showering is dangerous,” he reminded me with an almost teasing lilt. “I mean, I’d be a shitty friend to leave and risk you cracking your head open.”

I stared at him, the dim lighting making his pupil’s eclipse those seaglass green irises. “Dimitri.”

He gave a one-shouldered shrug. “Look, Lu, we need your brain to keep us safe. I’m looking out for my pack’s best interests.”

I knew he was trying to diffuse the tension with humor. It was what we did when emotions got too emotional. But damn if that wasn’t the absolute last thing I wanted to hear.

Twisting, I glowered at the dark corner that I knew housed an impressive shower stall with no less than five shower heads. Natasha had insisted on it when I’d turned sixteen. She’d renovated my entire bathroom into something worthy of a five-star spa with a separate soaker tub, that she smugly informed me comfortably seated three people, and a towel warmer.

Yeah, that towel warmer was the stuff dreams were made of.

“Shit,” Dimitri swore, bracing his hands on either side of my knees. He dropped his head onto my shoulder. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

A brittle laugh escaped me. “Of course you didn’t. I think I proved that I can’t do shit to protect your pack.”

“That’s not?—”

I gently pushed him back. “Just go.”

A low growl rumbled in his chest as his hands came up to catch my wrists. “Lulu.”

I tried to pull free— which was a mistake . Dimitri wasn’t officially an Alpha, but he was an heir and that came with a whole lot of wolfy impulses that made things like pushing or pulling set his instincts off. While he’d usually be able to ignore it, his wolf was just under the surface, lurking and waiting to be called forward.

“Don’t.” His voice dropped into a gravelly rasp that made my insides flip and melt.

My breath caught as I stilled, very much feeling like the prey to his predator.

Ugh, that shouldn’t have made my heart beat as fast as it did.

But I stayed still and quiet as he wrestled his wolf back into submission.

After several long beats where time ceased to have meaning, a shudder rolled down his spine. He shook his head and gave me a steady look. “Sorry about that.”

My heart squeezed. “You don’t have to apologize.” I leaned back. “But I do need to shower.”

“I’ll wait outside,” he replied, straightening.

“Oh, no. You can go?—”

He leveled me with another hard stare. “I’m not leaving until you’re in bed and safe, okay?”

I mashed my lips together as I fought a shiver.

Dimitri’s face relaxed, showing a crack of vulnerability. “I just… Can you please give me this, Lu?”

I nodded slowly, pretty sure that he could ask for all the blood in my veins and I’d start slicing arteries open for him. The kind of pull I felt for him was dangerous at best, and cataclysmic at worst.

He kissed the side of my head and exited the bathroom, pulling the door closed. I sat in the stillness for a beat before slipping off the counter and crossing into the massive closet that connected to the bathroom. I pulled out a set of my softest flannel pajama bottoms and a plain t-shirt.

I turned on the lights when I went back into the bathroom and lost myself to my nighttime routine. Dirty clothes in the hamper. Turn on the shower. Shove my curls into a shower cap since it wasn’t time to wash my hair.

Stepping into the hot spray, I washed and scrubbed my skin before cutting off the water and snagging a towel from the warmer. Wrapping it around my chest, I brushed my teeth and applied lotion. Then I changed into my jammies and opened the door.

Dimitri was sitting on the edge of my bed. His dark hair was mussed in a way that said he’d been running his fingers through it. There was a weary set to his shoulders, and I wished that I had the right to walk between his spread knees and hug him.

Instead I shifted my weight awkwardly and tried forcing a waxy smile. “All good. You can go.”

He glanced down and steepled his fingers. “What if I don’t go?”

Five words.

One question.

That was all it took to short-circuit my brain.

“What if you… What?” I frowned.

His throat worked as he tried to find the right words. “I know we don’t talk about this shit, and maybe that’s on me, but my gut is telling me to stay. With you.”

I strangled the hope threatening to burst to life in my chest. “Not a good idea.”

“Why?” he pressed, meeting my gaze and refusing to yield.

I licked my lips and tried to ignore the way his gaze tracked the movement. “You know why. It’s better this way. And if you’re worried about me, I’m fine. Really.”

“Don’t lie to me,” he murmured, shaking his head. “You’re not fine.”

“Okay, you’re right,” I admitted hoarsely. “I’m not okay, but in order to be okay, I need some time alone.”

“You always want to be alone,” he argued, rubbing his jaw. “But, Lulu, you aren’t alone. You know that, right?”

I stared at my feet. “I know. I have Nikolai, and Natasha, and?—”

“Me,” he cut in sharply, standing up. “You have me . No matter what happens, you will always have me.”

I felt seen in a way that only Dimitri ever made me feel, and that raw vulnerability always led to me lashing out. It was like my mind couldn’t—or wouldn’t—let me process support when given in an overtly verbal way.

Dimitri saying that I had him was an emotional atomic bomb, and I wasn’t ready to deal with that fallout. Not tonight.

Maybe not ever.

Because if I let myself acknowledge that Dimitri Dashkov was more than just someone whose soul I’d accidentally twisted with my own years ago, then the house of cards I’d artfully built over the last decade would crumble.

So, I did what I always did.

I pushed him away. “Just go, okay?”

His gaze hardened as he crossed his stupid muscly arms over his stupidly muscly chest. God, why did his muscles seem to have muscles? And why was I obsessed with the way the tendons in his forearms rippled and shifted as they moved.

“No.”

I snapped out of my muscle-obsessed brain fog. “What?”

“No,” he reiterated, “I’m not leaving you. Not like this.”

I bristled. “Like what ?”

“When you’re hurt and scared and trying to act tough.” He shook his head. “Not tonight, Lulu. I’m done letting that shit fly.”

I shot him a scathing look. “Newsflash, Dimitri: You're not the hero of my story. At best you’re an overgrown watchdog.” I intentionally raked my gaze down him while faking a look of disdain. “And you’re hardly dressed for that occasion either.”

Okay, I knew it was triggering to call a wolf shifter a dog, but I needed him to get out so I could fall apart in peace.

And usually that meant I had to take shots below the belt to make him crack.

The sharp line of his jaw went hard. “Fine.” He turned sharply on his heel and stalked out of my bedroom.

I let loose a ragged sigh that was just this side of a sob. As much as I’d needed him to leave, I’d been desperate for him to stay.

Climbing into my bed, I switched off the light on my bedside table before turning onto my side. I pulled my knees up to my chest and tried to breathe through the stinging burn in my nose that heralded a wave of tears I couldn’t afford to give into.

I was so focused on not crying that I didn’t realize he’d come back until he whispered in the dark, “I can be your watchdog if that’s what you need, Lulu.”

The air seemed to shimmer for a second, and then my bed dipped as a heavy presence curled against my back. The brush of fur on my shoulder ripped a sob from my throat. Without letting myself overthink it, I rolled to my other side and buried my face in Dimitri’s silky black fur.

I cried until I almost forgot how to breathe. It was only when Dimitri let out a soft whine that I managed to gasp more air into my aching lungs. After that the tears began to settle and my body, exhausted and weary, began to slide into the dark.

But I wasn’t alone tonight.

Tonight I had Dimitri watching over me. He rested his chin on my neck and I knew he would watch me—protect me—the rest of the night.