21. Vivienne
21
VIVIENNE
O kay, last night was a little... What’s the word? Intense?
Yeah. It was intense. I’m still not sure what came over me, but when I was touching myself, thinking about Asher and then opened my eyes with him standing right there, a part of me just transformed into the strong, confident woman I yearn to be.
I’m tired of being predictable, perfect, poised Vivienne. I’m tired of doing everything the right way and still being a fuckup in my parents’ eyes. I’m tired of just plain not being seen.
Last night, I let Asher see me. The real me, vulnerable and unencumbered.
Of course, in the sober light of day, I’m teetering between total mortification and delight in discovering my own strength.
My cheeks heat, thinking about his hand sliding into his jeans. The way the veins in his forearm tightened as he brought himself pleasure. I wanted so desperately for him to touch me, but I’m also satisfied with our actions last night.
We both got off without touching each other and breaking his rules. No harm, no foul.
I hear his footsteps on the stairs coming up from the basement, and my breath catches in my throat with the anticipation of seeing him.
Don’t be stupid .
I take the ceramic bowl containing my favorite maple and brown sugar oatmeal out of the microwave and place it on the counter as he walks in, wearing only a pair of gray sweats. His hair is tousled and messy from his slumber. He looks absolutely flawless, and I try not to notice the deep cut V as his sweats sit low on his hips.
Okay, Vivienne, show him that this is no big deal. That you can be a casual girl, you can do this.
I clear my throat after my mental pep talk and smile at him as he approaches. “Good morning. I made some oatmeal, but you can have it, and I’ll make another one if you’d like.”
He tilts his head to the right, his thick eyebrows drawing together and his lips in an angry pout. “Really?”
I shrug my shoulders and grab another bowl from the cabinet. “It’s really no trouble.”
He walks to me, taking the bowl from my hand and placing it on the counter. Then he places both of his palms firmly on the granite countertop, caging me in as he leans into me. “We aren’t going to talk about last night?”
“Since when did you become so talkative?”
I won’t lower my eyes from his. I don’t want him to see me as weak. “Viv...”
“Stop. We don’t need to talk about it, Asher. It’s no big deal.”
He looks shocked as he stares into my eyes, studying me like I’m a stranger to him. And maybe I am. Maybe he doesn’t really know me. Maybe no one really does . “No big deal?”
I gnaw nervously on my bottom lip, and his eyes dart to them, darkening with something before they flick back to my gaze. “It’s not. You caught me doing something very...” I straighten my shoulders, “normal.”
“You’re not normal.”
“Thanks for that.”
He keeps me in his cage, trapped and at his mercy. “Did you plan that?”
“What?” Now I’m the surprised one.
“You heard me. Were you waiting for me?
“Oh my God, Asher. Get over yourself.” I’m irritated that he could even think that. “I was home alone. You told me you were going to be gone most of the night. Do you really think that I was just waiting there with my hand down my shorts until I heard you come in?”
I watch him swallow the tension as he mulls that over. “Maybe. I don’t know, Viv. Is this your plan? To seduce me. First that fucking bikini and then...”
“Then what?” I stare him down, refusing to be embarrassed even though part of me wants to die, choking on the humiliation creeping up.
“Then you give me the fucking hottest show of my life.” His face nears mine, his lips creeping toward me. “I’ll never get the vision of you coming in front of me out of my head.”
I gulp, the sound audible between us, knowing that when I close my eyes, I see the bulge in his jeans and his hand moving inside them, his eyes watching me unwavering as he came. “Good.”
“What is this, Viv?”
“What do you want it to be, Asher?”
He looks tortured as he stares into my eyes. “It can’t be anything.”
Instead of my usual argument, that I am in fact a woman and not just Sebastian’s mom and that I am capable of a casual hookup, I remain strong and take a deep breath, letting it slowly expel from my lungs. “Okay, then. That’s all it was.” He pulls back, dropping his hands, but not moving his body, and I lean in closer to him, poking my fingernail into his hardened steel-like chest. “And that bikini wasn’t for you.”
“No, then why not another one-piece?”
“It was for me.” He looks confused, and I clarify, “I’m twenty-one. And I’m hot.” I push past him and grab my oatmeal, carrying it to the island and turn to get a spoon, but gasp when I run into his hard body.
“You are.”
I take another breath. “The swimsuit was for me to remember that. And I look good in it.”
Stay strong, Vivienne.
He’s studying me, but then something grabs his attention. “Mom.”
“What?”
He nods toward the security camera app on my phone that’s sitting on the counter behind me. “My mom.”
I walk away from Asher and go to the front door, letting them in before she can ring the doorbell. “Nora, hi! ”
She smiles, and Sebastian runs to me as I kneel down. He hugs me around my neck. “Mommy!”
I smile and hug him tight, lifting him up in my arms. “Baz! I missed you!”
“He missed you too. He did great last night, but this morning he woke up wanting Mommy.”
I smile at Nora as Baz rests his head on my shoulder, and I squeeze him again. “Well, I woke up wanting you too, little guy.”
He squirms out of my hold, and I let his feet touch the ground before he runs up the stairs to his room.
Nora laughs happily as Asher joins us, and she gives him a hug. “Hi, sweetheart.”
He hugs her back, but I notice he looks tense. “Hi, Mom.”
I don’t get it. Nora is the sweetest person I’ve ever met. How can he be so cold to her? “I missed you at dinner last week.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve been busy with school.”
Nora nods her head, accepting his line of bullshit. “I understand.” She ruffles his hair lovingly. “Hopefully soon.”
Asher nods and pulls away, and I look at Nora, annoyed with her son. “Would you like to join us for breakfast?”
“Oh, thank you for the offer, honey, but I better get back. Tony and I are leaving for another trip in a few days, and I have things to do.”
She’s my hero. She’s found her happiness. “That’s wonderful. Where are you two going this time?”
“We’re going to Ireland for a week.”
“That sounds lovely. Send pictures.”
“Of course.” She shouts up the stairs. “I love you, sweetheart! Thank you for spending the night.”
We all smile when Sebastian hollers back in his totally cool, casual little voice. “Love ya!”
She gives Asher and I another hug before leaving and closing the door behind her. I turn to Ash. “You could be nicer to your mom. You have no idea how lucky you are.”
His body crowds mine as I press up against the door. “And you have no idea what you’re talking about.”
He walks off, heading for the stairs, and I follow, grabbing his arm and making him stop at the top of them. “You could talk to me, you know. We’re supposed to be friends.”
“I don’t know what the fuck we are anymore.”
That hurts more than I’d like to admit. “Are you really that upset about last night? You didn’t seem all that angry with your hand down your pants.”
His jaw pulls tight with tension. “This can’t keep happening. It can’t, Vivienne. I’m not Linc.”
“What?” I’m so incredibly confused by this man.
“You heard me. I’m not Linc. I won’t be a fucking dumbass and fuck the wrong girl because I’m attracted to her. Because I am attracted to you. Insanely fucking attracted to you.” His eyes dip down over my torso that’s fully clothed today in a blouse with a high neckline and a bra under it, but with his eyes on me I feel totally naked. “But I’m not my brother. I’m not either of my brothers.”
“I know that.”
“Good. I’m a Sterling, and we are clearly fucked-up, but I’m not Linc, and I’m not Colt. My dick doesn’t own me and neither do my responsibilities.”
“So who does? Own you, I mean.” I bite my bottom lip, fighting the lust creeping to the surface as his eyes glare into mine and then lower to look at my lips.
He doesn’t answer, he just turns and walks down the stairs.
I’ve known Asher for a long time, but never did he seem as lost as I see he is now.
Was he just that good at hiding it all these years?