Restrictions (Sterling Family #2)

22. Asher

22

ASHER

I really have to stop the broody shit with Viv. Easier said than done though. I care about her on a whole new level, and I don’t want to fucking hurt her. But how could she act so casual about what happened last night?

Not that I think she should be ashamed. Not even close. But fuck, it was a big deal.

I can’t stop thinking about it. Her hands. Her body writhing under their touch. Both of us wishing they were mine.

I’ve avoided her most of the day, but it hasn’t been easy since I missed the hell out of Baz, and now that he’s home I wanted to hang with him.

And maybe I miss her too.

A quick rap comes from my open door, and I look over, seeing Viv standing there in her plaid blue and pink pajama shorts with a sheer pink t-shirt with the words “Good morning, Princess” written on it.

“Can we talk?”

Now she wants to talk? “Baz asleep?”

She nods tentatively, walking into my room and taking a seat at the end of my mattress, tucking one foot under her thigh, her shorts riding up and showing me way too much skin. “He was worn out, I think. ”

“That’s good.” I lean back against the wooden headboard and run my fingers through my hair.

Viv looks at me, shyly tucking her neck down. “Are you still angry with me?”

“I was never angry with you.”

Her eyes lift, her gaze smoldering, her lips in a pout. “Then why have you been avoiding me all day? Do you really think I have some crazy plot to seduce you? Is that what you think of me?”

“No.” I swallow, the image of her reclined and reaching into her panties hits me, washing over me and wishing for cold water to come out of somewhere to douse the fire burning through my body. “I know you didn’t plan it.”

“I didn’t.” She says it firmly. I’ve enjoyed watching her gain her strength seemingly overnight.

“I know.”

And I do. It was a dick think to accuse her of.

She sighs, and my brain is busy trying to decide if she’s wearing a bra or not when her sweet voice fills the space between us, bringing my eyes up to her pretty face. “When you walked in, I was shocked. I didn’t think you would be back for hours, but I fought through my initial instinct of being humiliated.”

“You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Fuck, I jerked off twice today already.”

She laughs, which makes me smile. I love her laugh. “My entire life, I’ve strived to be this perfect creature. To be this poised, perfect girl who did everything right. I just wanted you to see me as normal.”

“You’re not normal.”

She tilts her head to the right. “Thank you for always pointing that out.”

I smile, shaking my head at her pout. “It’s not an insult.”

“I’ve always struggled with being who they wanted me to be and being me. Of just going after what I want.”

I’m not a guy who sits around and talks about feelings and the past. I’m just not built that way, but I find myself fascinated by her, transfixed by her story. “Everyone does it.” I shrug, being honest. “I mean, I didn’t think you did, but I’m glad you do. Four years is way too long without an orgasm.” That’s assuming she had an orgasm the one and only time she had sex, and God, I don’t want to know.

She smiles, her head moving from side to side like I’m ridiculous, but she kind of likes it.

I scoot down toward her, leaning forward so she understands me clearly. “And it was hot as fuck.”

Now the blush sneaks into her cheeks, and she looks away, covering her mouth as she laughs into her hand and turns back to look at me. “Thanks. I agree. But can we just not talk about it anymore?”

I nod, but I’m not making any promises.

She surprises me when she lays down on her back, facing my ceiling, letting her toes barely touch the floor. “You can talk to me, you know. We’re friends, whether you want to admit it or not, and I really care about you.”

I lay down next to her, my legs a hell of a lot longer and my feet resting flat on the wood floor below as I turn to look at her, her head swivels to the side to look at me. “I don’t know who I am.”

Her smile is slight. “You’re Asher.”

I offer a quick laugh and look up at the ceiling. ‘It was like my entire life, everyone was always watching me to see which one of my brothers’ leads I would follow. I can hear my father asking me when I was young if I was going to be a fuckup like Linc or have it together like Colt?”

“That’s a terrible thing for a father to say.”

I turn to look at her again, brushing her long bangs out of her eyes and tucking them behind her ear. “He’s a terrible father.” It’s not like she doesn’t have experience in that area, but still she looks saddened. “I was always teetering on the edge. Not sure who I admired more. Linc,” I grin thinking about my oldest brother, “that fucker never once gave a damn about what my parents thought. He just did whatever the fuck he wanted.” Still does. And that thought makes me bitter as the pang in my chest is almost unbearable as my eyes slide back up to the ceiling. “Colt,...” I swallow, the movement in my throat painful, thinking about the brother I lost.

I feel her small hands move to my chest, the touch welcomed, but I know I can’t return it and keep my hands at my sides. “I think it’s good to talk about this.”

“He was a lot like you. So perfect. Always doing what our parents, mainly my dad, wanted. And I never really saw how close he was to cracking until right before he died.” When he had an affair and conceived an illegitimate child.

I hear her sigh. “No one is ever actually perfect.”

I nod my head, still looking up. “But he seemed like it. Especially when we were kids, and around fourteen, I decided there was no way in hell I was ever going to live up to him. So I went the other way.”

Her hand remains over my heart, and I wonder if she can feel it thundering in my chest. “The first time I fucked a girl, I was so drunk I still can’t believe my dick was hard.” I shrug. “But I was fourteen, so my dick was always hard.”

She laughs quietly at that, but pulls her hand away, rolling to her side to face me. “You were only fourteen?”

I roll to my side, facing her and trying like hell to ignore the low neckline of her t-shirt and how her tits are pressed together in the position that she’s in. “Yeah. I went all in, fucking any chick who would let me. Drinking all the time. Getting high. Sneaking out. Sneaking into girls’ rooms.” I pause and look into her eyes and smirk. “Invited, of course.”

She nods.” Of course.”

“I wanted to give Linc a run for his money. Wanted our parents to tell him he was being like me .”

“That’s a lot for a fourteen-year-old.”

“It was. And you know, no one really noticed. Everyone always had more going on. Which is fine.” I struggle with what comes next. I don’t like talking about this, but I know she cares, and now that I’ve started, I can’t seem to stop. “And then Colt died.”

She flinches the way everyone does when death is mentioned because even if they say it’s a part of life, it’s still not something most people are comfortable with.

“And everyone left. Linc was already in college. So was Lola. Penelope went off to school. My dad left. It was just me and mom.”

“I can’t imagine your mom being anything less than perfect even in the very worst of circumstances.”

I know that she loves my mom, and so do I, but I’ve seen a side of her that no one else has. “She imploded, Viv. Rightfully so.” I can’t be angry with her. “I’m not mad at her for it, but she lost one of four kids, and it was like none of us who were still alive mattered for a bit.”

“I’m sure she didn’t mean for you to feel that way. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child.”

I nod. “I know, but I lost a brother.” It feels selfish even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud.

She studies me and nods. “I know. I’m so sorry.”

“He wasn’t just my brother, he was the best friend I ever had. Always trying to get me away from the house and not become like Linc, but he didn’t try to make me like him either. I swear, he was the one person who made me feel like me.”

She doesn’t say anything, just listens. And I can see she wants to touch me again, wants to comfort me, but she thinks better of it this time as we lay there with our faces only inches apart.

“When he died, I wanted him to be proud of me, so I did my best to switch gears and be like him. To take care of our mother who could barely pry herself off the floor. And the only time I could get her to do that is when I would do things that he used to do.”

“Like?”

“Charity work. Museums. Goody Two-shoes shit that I hate.”

She smiles at that. “You were Colt for her.”

I nod, grimacing. “I was, but it wasn’t enough. She would go back to bed for days, lost in her grief, and I was so busy trying to take care of her that I didn’t get to grieve. I fucking hated it and became bitter and cold.”

“She loves you, Asher.”

“I love her too, but I’m still irrationally angry about it. So when she met Tony, and I saw she was happy, I fucking ran. I just need some time.”

She rolls to her back again, bringing her hands up between her perky breasts that I do believe are braless as she picks at her nails. “I think you deserve the time to find out who you are, Asher Sterling.”

I grin and roll to my back, liking the way she says my whole name. “I think you deserve the same damn thing, Vivienne Crenshaw.”

“I do hope you can forgive her. As a mother, I don’t think there would be a worse pain on earth.”

“I know. I said it was irrational. ”

Her laugh does crazy things to me. “Not irrational. You’re entitled to your own pain, but I don’t think she wanted you to be Colt. I think she just wanted Colt back with all of you.”

I swallow and look up at the ceiling, hoping she’s right.

It’s something I’ve always had a hard time with.

Colt was the golden child, and when he was lost, I wondered if they wished they could trade any of us remaining kids for him.