Restrictions (Sterling Family #2)

23. Vivienne

23

VIVIENNE

B az went to sleep easily tonight, and I’m sure this two-day stretch of him falling asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow will end tomorrow. But for tonight, I’m going to enjoy the quiet time.

I take a quick shower, washing off the day and slip into my bikini, going down the stairs to the indoor pool. As much as I resent my father for picking out a far too luxurious house and making me feel like anything else would have been a disservice to Baz, I am grateful to get to go for a swim when the high temperature today was only fifty degrees.

I punch in the code to the door and open it, my eyes instantly darting to Asher who’s currently in the hot tub with his head leaning back against the stone edge. I try not to stare at his carved abs through the water.

His head swivels in my direction, his eyes sliding over my body, stealing all the liquid in my mouth, forcing me to swallow. “I guess we had the same idea.”

He smiles, looking away from me as I climb into the shallow end of the pool, quickly adjusting to the water when I find it at a pleasant temperature. Our talk last night has me feeling closer to him. I knew there was more under the beautiful surface of him.

Maybe something a little darker than the light, carefree person he appears to be on the outside. I adore Nora, but, I of all people, know that parents often aren’t the same as they appear to the public eye when they’re under their own roof.

I can’t imagine the hell they’ve all been through, and Asher feels he was left behind to pick up the pieces. Of course he’s a little resentful. Anyone would be.

I wade into the water, swimming over to the edge of the hot tub that’s separated from the pool by a few inches of stone. I rest my arms over the ledge and look at Asher. “I’m glad we talked. Are you?”

Asher rises from the water, the liquid dripping down his toned torso as he hops over the ledge and into the cool pool water. He lets his entire body and his head go under before popping up, brushing the water from his hair with one hand and holding onto the ledge with the other, facing me. “Yeah. I am, but it’s not something I want to talk about a lot.”

He’s worried this is going to become a recurring topic. I get it. I can see the anguish in his eyes when he talks about Colt. “I understand.”

“I was there, Viv.”

I look at him, seeing the darkness is back in his beautiful eyes, his brows draw together, and his neck tightens. “Where?”

“I was at that party. When you and him...” He swallows hard, stopping himself as his tormented gaze pierces me.

“I don’t remember seeing you.”

“I don’t remember being there. It was during my blackout, dipshit phase.”

I turn to face him, also holding myself up with the ledge. “How do you know then?”

“Sawyer. He remembered. He was there too. Said I was fucked-up that night, which isn’t fucking surprising. I was there when Colt fucked you. Got you pregnant. Turned all of our lives upside down, and I didn’t do a fucking thing about it because I was too busy trying to get noticed by my parents.”

I take a deep breath, my chest rising and falling, capturing his attention as he looks down, looking even more tortured now as his eyes lift to mine. My voice is a harsh whisper. “What does it matter if you were there or not? It wasn’t your responsibility to stop it.” Not that I would have wanted him to. I’m grateful for Baz .

“If I would have been coherent and saw him there, Viv...” The look on his face guts me. I care about him deeply, and the pain I see swimming inside him is agonizing. “Viv, I would have stopped him. Not that I don’t want Baz in this world. I fucking love that kid, but that night...”

I feel tears bubbling to the surface of my eyes, hating how many people we hurt that night with our actions, but eternally conflicted because I myself wouldn’t change it for the world. “What?”

He’s not done releasing his demons. He needs this. “That night started so much. It set us on a new path. To you, it was an escape. To him...”

He’s careful with his words because I know he doesn’t want to hurt me. So I finish for him. “It was the biggest mistake of his life.”

“It has nothing to do with you and who you are.” His hand brushes over my cheek and rests there, holding me and trying to add some comfort to the ugly truth I already knew. “But yeah. He regretted, Viv. He was in love with Penelope, and he fucked her over. And it ate at him.”

The way he avoided me afterward, I knew how much he hated himself and maybe me for what we did, but it’s something I’ve buried. “I know it did. I hate that it hurt you all.”

“What’s done is done. I was there the night he died too. And again, I did fucking nothing. I was drunk, letting some chick I just met ride me while my brother was dying.” He drops his hand from my cheek.

I hate that image, and I know it’s one he plays over and over. “It’s not your fault, Asher.”

“It’s not yours either.” He leans closer to me, his face deadly serious. “I want you to know that I’m glad Sebastian was born. I wouldn’t trade him for anything. Not even having my brother back, but I hold a lot of guilt from the time he died.”

“I do too.” I close my eyes, unable to look at him as a tear slides down my cheek. “It was a beautiful experience for me. I knew it was wrong, but it was exciting. Doing something bad.” My eyes open, and the intensity of his eyes shock me to my core and send an electric charge through my body. “I’d never broken the rules until then.”

“It’s amazing when you let loose.”

I can feel my breathing increase, being this close to him. Wanting him despite the grim conversation. It always leads back to lust with Asher. “I want to let loose more often.”

I bite my bottom lip, my body on full alert, begging him to kiss me. I want to feel his lips on mine so badly, but I’m afraid of the inevitable rejection. “Please don’t bite your bottom lip like that.” His voice sounds strained, almost a groan.

“Why?” The word is a gasp, his gaze burning through me.

I watch his full lips as he speaks. “Because you did that right before you came, and I can’t un-see it. No matter how hard I try.”

My mouth goes dry again, and I can feel my nipples pebbling underneath the fabric of my bikini top.

“I can’t help it.” I gnaw on my bottom lip, his eyes watching the motion. “I guess I do that when I feel...” my teeth slide over my bottom lip as my eyes move from his mouth to his eyes, “turned-on.” My voice lowers as I start to lose my nerve and look down at his rippled stomach. “Would it be so bad?” I reach forward and allow my fingers to lightly graze his lower abs under the water.

He lets out a shaky breath as he captures my wrist, not pushing me away, but not allowing me to move either. “I can’t do this.”

I am past the point of shame, and when I get to that point, I realize how dangerous my actions become, but I’m not strong enough to stop. “Baz is asleep.”

“I can’t, Viv.”

I try not to show how badly it hurts that he doesn’t want me that way. “You don’t want to. You seemed attracted to me the other night, able to separate your nephew’s mom from a woman.”

“You think I don’t see you as a woman?”

I nod my head slowly. “I think I have to force you to.” My eyes flutter closed as the heat rises to my cheeks, feeling slightly humiliated at how desperate he makes me feel. “Maybe the bikini was a little for you too. I just want you to see me as sexy.”

My eyes open, expecting his face to show disgust at my longing for his attention. “You really think I’m not attracted you?” I nod my head slowly as his hand moves mine down to his trunks and over the enormous bulge there. My eyes lift to meet his, and I’m sure they’re wide with anticipation and surprise. My hand resting against his erect cock through the fabric of his swim trunks. “You’re torturing me. ”

“You think you’re not tormenting me?” My hand moves along his hardness while his hand remains around my wrist. His throat tightens as he groans, a soft whimper escaping my throat as I feel his desire, my own threatening to strangle the life out of me. “I want this.”

“I can’t. I’m not Linc.”

He releases my hand and turns away from me, resting both arms on the ledge of the pool. “I don’t even know what that means. I’ve never slept with him. I have nothing to do with Linc.”

He turns his head, his eyes cold. “He slept with the wrong girl because his body wanted it.”

I feel the agony his words cause rip through me, and my words come out strained. “The wrong girl?”

He tips his head back. “Fuck.” His curse is short and angry as he looks back at me. “I’m the wrong guy for you. I’m not Colt either. I’m not good.”

“So you’re not good like Colt, and you don’t want to be Linc, who you see as the bad one, although I don’t. He honestly doesn’t seem that bad at all.” I swim away from him, finding the stairs and climbing out of the pool, turning to face Asher. “At least he went for what he wanted.”

“She wasn’t his.” I watch him swim to the edge of the pool where I’m standing, his muscles flexing as he lifts his body out of the water and stands in front of me. “He took her away from Colt.”

“Colt wasn’t just hers either.” I keep my chin lifted, portraying strength even if I’m shaking inside. “He wasn’t all good. With me, he was very, very bad.”

I watch his chest inflate with air, all of his muscles flexing tight with tension, looking animalistic at the mention of his brother being anything other than perfect. “Don’t go there, Viv.”

“And what? Talk about the one time he let loose?” I take another step closer to Ash, my palm resting over his quivering stomach. “When he fucked me against the wall in someone else’s bedroom at a party neither of us should have been at? Maybe I’m just the wrong girl after all. The one Sterling men regret.” My hand slides to the hem of his trunks. “Use me like he did.”

He looks down at me, and I see the conflict in his eyes. “Is this about him? Some fucked-up fantasy?” His hands slide down my bare arms. “You want to pretend you’re fucking him again? ”

“I’m not thinking about Colt.”

His head tips to the right. “You sure about that? I think you’re far more immoral than you’ve ever let on.” His lips creep toward mine, just barely brushing mine as a gasp escapes my throat and my soul craves his kiss, and he speaks, “I think you’re downright depraved, like me.”

“Except you won’t touch me.”

He moves away, leaving an emptiness inside me. “No. I won’t.” He walks to the table by the door and grabs a towel, tossing me a look over his shoulder. “Looks like we both have a date with our hands tonight.” He pushes the door open and walks through it, leaving me humiliated, frustrated, and angry.

Asshole.