38. Vivienne
38
VIVIENNE
I untangle my limbs from Asher’s and climb out of my comfortable bed at Lincoln and Penelope’s.
He didn’t say one word when he came back in after I put Baz down for bed. It was clear he just needed to get lost. And I let him.
I’ll let him again and again.
I stare at him, lying in the bed, his hair a matted, gorgeous mess, gloriously naked.
My heart clenches tight as I place my hand over my chest trying to rub away the dull ache, slipping into my pajama pants and matching shirt. I quietly open the door and close it behind me, knowing I should probably wake him and ask him to go to his room, but I don’t.
I check on Baz and see he’s fast asleep, but as I'm closing his door, I gasp, clutching my chest when I see Lola standing there with two glasses of wine as she smiles and holds one out to me.
“Lola?” I whisper as I take on of the stemless wineglasses.
“Let’s go out there.” She nods to the door leading to a cute patio separate from the pool area. The patio has a fire pit, a classy, chic two-seater chair, and two matching single chairs. She sits down on the chair for two and pats the spot next to her, still clutching her wine glass.
I take the seat next to her and take a small sip of wine, feeling like I'm going to need it .
“I didn’t know you were staying tonight.”
“I thought it would be nice to spend the night under the same roof as my family.” She tucks her shoulder-length blond hair behind her ear and takes a drink, savoring it. “It’s been a while.”
I hate the pain this family has endured. “That’s great.”
Lola is hard to read. Her face is steel, not to say that she’s cold, but she is most definitely strong. She takes another drink, and then her eyes meet mine. “How long have you guys been sleeping together?”
I’m not a fool. I knew that when I moved in with Asher, people would speculate. I’m sure they all had their assumptions, but I also knew that when I came out of the laundry room, the mixture of our hot hookup still between my legs, and my hair a mess, they would all know.
“I...” I falter. Because her eyes are so full of absolute anguish, it nearly breaks me.
“Before you moved in together?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Before you came to California?”
I study her, her expression still completely unwavering, not giving anything away. “Why does it matter?”
I try not to sound defensive. I care about Lola. I know she cares about Sebastian at the very least, and I don’t want to make her my enemy. She places her wine glass on the wooden rim of the chair and turns her body toward mine. “Because you’re in love with him.”
An astonishing gasp falls from my lips as I stare at her, jolted from her statement. I fight the tears swelling in my eyes and try my hardest to appear strong. “People have sex all the time without feelings.”
Again. No emotion. How does she do that? “Not you.”
She’s the second Sterling to tell me how I feel, and it annoys me greatly as I steel my spine. “I wasn’t in love with Colt when I had sex with him.”
Now she flinches. For the first time. Her face morphs, overtaken by emotion when I say her brother’s name, but it only lasts a brief moment. “Fine.” She lets out a soft breath. “But not you with Asher.”
“I’m not in love with Asher.”
“You don’t have to lie to me.”
“I’m not.” It’s not convincing. Not to her. Not to me .
“I saw the way you jumped up from the table when he was hurting. I saw the absolute need inside you to comfort him.”
“We’re friends.”
“He cares about you too.”
“Because we’re friends.”
Her hand smooths over my knee in a comforting, big sister gesture as her eyes meet mine. “He may even love you too.”
My heart speeds up at the mere thought, and I pray she can’t tell. “We aren’t in love. It’s an arrangement. Nothing more.”
“A friends with benefits sort of thing?” I nod. Knowing how ridiculous it sounds. “Unfortunately for you, I really care about you, Vivienne.”
I cock my head to the left, confused by what she’s saying. “Why is that unfortunate?”
“Because I'm brutally honest with the people I care about.” Her hand curves over my knee and her eyes grab mine, holding on. “This is fucking stupid.”
I stare, my mouth slightly agape. I close it and try to think of a rebuttal.
“You guys cannot just have sex and be friends and raise Baz together, saying you don’t have feelings for one another. You’re going to get hurt.”
“I would never hurt Asher.”
I see pity in her eyes as her head tilts to the side. “No. You’re going to get hurt.”
“He’s really not the monster you all make him out to be.” I bite and then think better of it, sinking back into the cushion.
“He’s not. Not at all, but he’s young. Very young.”
“He’s a year younger than me.”
Her eyes are knowing. “You had a child young which forced you to grow up, and you have. You are strong and mature. He has so much growing left to do.”
I hate that I know she’s right. I don’t want to admit it. “He’s changed a lot.”
She nods, and I see she isn’t trying to be my enemy... she’s trying her best to be my ally. “He has, and he is...” She sighs sadly. “He is so strong, but he doesn’t know it. He doesn’t know who he is, and that isn’t good for anybody.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t want to stop.”
It’s not a question, and I shake my head from side to side, flames heating my cheeks from shame. “No.”
“The longer it goes on, the worse it will hurt.” She laughs sadly. “I’m assuming.”
I wonder if she’s been through this before and what she has to hide because it seems like all the Sterlings have deep, dark secrets of their own. “I know.”
She nods her head slowly, being cautious. “I love all my brothers.” Her eyes full of pain and regret meet mine. “But I let them down. I was so lost in my own world that I didn’t see all of them drowning. Not just Colt.”
When she says Colt’s name it’s a strangled whisper, the pain cutting deep. “You were so young.”
“Not that young. And I saw it all. I just didn’t stop it. So now, I'm trying my best when I see one of them drowning... going under...” Her eyes close momentarily, and then she opens them. “I’m going to do my best to pull them up. And that includes you and Penelope because whether either of you like it or not,... I’m your sister now too.”
I stare into her gaze, and I know how much she means it. “Thank you.”
I hate that I have to talk to Asher about this. That I broke the promise I made.
I fell for him, and there’s no way we’re coming back from this unscathed.