27. You’re Worth Losing Everything For
“What is wrong with you?”Aaron asks as he joins my side. “Go after her.”
Shoulders dropping, I watch Primrose disappear at the bottom of the driveway.
I knew it was just a matter of time before I fucked up. Before the reclusive, closed-off, anxious part of me would get her to throw in the towel.
This is it. Once again, I’m a letdown, and even someone as patient and loving as Primrose can’t deal with it. Eventually, they all leave, because I can’t open up. I can’t face those ugly emotions that have kept me submerged in darkness for so long. Not even with Primrose, who’s all light and fresh air.
“Logan? Do something, for fuck’s sake.”
Aaron’s voice feels distant, my heartbeat deafening to the point where I can’t hear anything else. Only my heartbeat and Primrose’s disappointed voice.
Why didn’t I tell her before? Yes, it’s humiliating, but it’s not like she hasn’t seen me at my worst, weeping during my panic attacks. Why wasn’t I honest from the beginning?
I can’t follow her. What for? Whenever it’s time to speak, I freeze. I look at her like some mindless idiot instead of pouring everything out like I should.
She’s right to leave. God, she’d be stupid if she didn’t.
And if I can’t fight for her, then I don’t deserve her.
“Will you react, Logan?” Aaron insists, grasping my shirt in his fist.
As I slump forward, my eyes finally meet his, and swallowing hard, he relents. I might need time to react, but he knows me well enough to imagine what will happen once I do.
Nobody puts their hands on me, especially not Aaron.
I pull my arm back and crash my fist against his eye, the crunching sound carried away in the spring breeze. With a groan, he goes slamming against the doorframe before sliding down to the porch.
He grimaces, then touches the abrasion under his eye. My heart is pumping blood in my veins faster than it should, and honestly, what people say about revenge is bullshit. It feels great.
“Five long years overdue,” I grit out.
Gently moving his facial muscles, he nods and holds his hand out. “Is my debt paid now? Can you help me up?”
Fuck him. He’s not fighting me back because he has no ground to stand on. Because he messed up, and he knows he deserves it. But he also didn’t do anything tonight. He came here asking for help—hell, he’s probably worried about his drunk wife.
And I need him to fight me.
I need to focus my anger on him.
“Get up yourself.”
He stands one tentative step at a time, then keeps his good eye on me as he holds a hand over the injured side of his face. “So, are we finally doing this?”
“Yeah, we are.”
“Good. Then let’s sit down.”
Sit down? “No, asshole. I don’t want to talk to you.”
“Fight me? That’s what you want to do?”
My fists clench beside me, and with a scoff, he walks to the steps and sits. He runs a hand through his hair, his chest heaving as he grimaces. “You think I don’t know how badly I messed up, Logan? I didn’t just lose my brother. My relationship and marriage were cursed from the start because of what I did.”
“I don’t care,” I growl.
“I know that too. You will never forgive me for stealing her from you. And she will never forgive me for taking advantage of a moment of weakness and ruining her relationship.”
I open my mouth to quip back, but once I register his words, I shut it.
Why would Josie blame him? She went along with it—hell, she chose him when I begged her to stay. Aaron didn’t make her do any of it.
“What? You think she doesn’t blame me for it? Because she does. She hates me. Mom hates me. Kyle and Simon and you—” He holds a fist over his mouth. “It’s only a matter of time before my own daughter picks up on it and I become the villain in her story too.”
Fuck that.
Fuck him.
Why should I care? He did it. Nobody pointed a gun at his head and told him to screw my girlfriend. It was his choice, and now he’ll pay the consequences for it.
“You think I don’t hate myself, Logan?” He huffs out a joyless laugh as he rests his forehead on his fist. “But I love her. I’ve loved her for as long as I can remember, and I tried so hard to be the guy she’d fall for.”
My jaw clicks. “No, you didn’t.”
“Yes, Logan. Yes. I introduced you two, remember?” He leans back, shoulders deflating as if he’s been carrying the weight of this conversation for a long time. “She was my classmate’s cousin. And I’d always see her at his place and thought she was so pretty. Until eventually I asked him to introduce us.”
Right. Carl something. I’d forgotten about him. But this hardly changes anything.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask. “If you were in love with her, why didn”t you say something when we started dating?”
“Why didn’t a teenager tell his younger brother he liked a girl who didn’t like him back?” He scoffs. “I didn’t tell anyone. And then one day, I saw the two of you making out in the parking lot, and I knew I’d missed my chance.”
He shakes his head, gesturing at me. “When shit went south between the two of you, I watched her be unhappy for months. You were immature, and she was a woman, and I...”
“You thought you were better than me,” I finish.
He pauses, eyes burning into mine, then nods. “Yes. I thought I was better than you—for her. And I thought one day the two of you would break up, and I’d still never get my chance because I’m your brother.”
I look away, because though I wish I’d known about all of this, it hardly wins me over. He doesn’t get my sympathy, because there’s a key difference in our situations. I had no idea he was into Josie, while I’d made no secret of my feelings. We’d been together for half a decade when he swooped in. I would have never chosen a girlfriend over him.
He broke me, fully aware of what he was doing.
“I’m an asshole,” he says as he throws his arms up. “I betrayed you in the worst way possible. I fucked up, and I have no excuse.”
No, he doesn’t.
So what if he had feelings for her? If Josie and I weren’t a good match? None of it matters. He’s my brother, and he was my best friend, and that should have trumped anything else.
“I understand that you’ll never forgive me, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” He drops his head in his hands. “I knew it the second I slept with her. But I wanted to make at least a good life for myself, Josie, Sadie. Make sure that all of it...that it was for something.”
“Are you talking about that shitty job?”
He nods, looking in the distance. “But nothing will ever work. There isn’t enough money to compensate for what’s missing from our lives.”
“What’s that?” When he sniffles, the adrenaline and anger subside, and heartbreak takes over. Primrose’s face filled with disappointment haunts me like a ghost, my stomach twisting as I picture her walking away.
What if it’s my last memory of her?
“Love,” he says coldly, dragging his foot over the gravel. “She doesn’t love me. She will always love you, and I’ll always be the one who broke the two of you apart.”
My jaw slacks open, and quickly collecting myself, I watch him take something out of his pocket.
“We’re divorcing.”
Wait, what? Did I hear that right?
He fishes into his jacket pocket and takes out a paper. Once it’s in my hands, he adds, “Just a copy. The original is already with the lawyers.”
Divorce papers. I can’t believe this.
I give them back, but my head is spinning with the overload of emotions, and I reluctantly sit beside him.
I’ve wanted them to break up for years, while hating myself for it. I yearned to see Aaron lose everything, then felt like shit because if he did, so would Sadie, and I never wanted her to suffer.
Now that it’s happening, I don’t feel anything but pain.
“You’re a better man than me. You’ve always been. You’re loyal, generous, strong.” He sets the paper back into his jacket. “I’m sorry it took me so long to see it.”
I rub my forehead, looking away. I can’t forgive him—not when it took him thirty-five years to learn what Primrose understood in two weeks. “If you think this fixes anything...”
“No, I know.” He releases a deep breath. “Divorcing Josie will not fix a single thing between me and you. And helping you with the farm won’t do that either.” He takes out his checkbook. “I’m not buying your forgiveness, Logan.”
He scribbles on the check and hands it over. “I just want you to be happy—you and Josie—because I...” He looks down. “I love you both.”
It’s a little harder to hate him, knowing he and his family are going through what is probably the hardest time of their lives, but I’ll manage.
“This money is yours. We always planned to invest it in the farm, and I left you high and dry.” His eyes close for a long moment. “Spend it or not—the farm is yours. But so is the money.”
I think of all the guys working at the farm and all the rescues living here. Though I wish I could throw the money at his face, I’m not willing to play with the fate of my farm. Of my friends and family.
We might make it without ever cashing this check, or we might need it eventually, but I’ll take it. It’s time I swallow my pride.
“Thank you,” I say as I hold his gaze.
For a moment, he seems surprised, his eyebrows arching. “Wow...this Primrose did a number on you, didn’t she?”
My tongue feels too heavy for my mouth, my head too light, my heart shattered. Now that he’s mentioned her, I want to hit something again. I want to smash my fist against the wall, over and over again, until the pain is stronger than the regret.
For some reason, one of our first conversations comes back to me. The two of us sitting in my kitchen early in the morning, eating oats and talking about her candy. It was the first time she cried in front of me, and it’s happened countless times since. I remember thinking she was acting pathetic. Crying over some... boy. She blamed it on anger, but it wasn’t it. She was hurting.
You have every right to feel your pain.
Resting both arms on my thighs, I grimace. “Do you know why I still have a relationship with Josie, but not with you? Why I’m not angry at her the way I am with you?”
Tapping gently around his eyes, he hums. “Because you’re in love with her?”
“Because you hurt me. She cheated on me, and it sucks.” I shake my head. “But you are my big brother, Aaron. You were supposed to have my back.”
He nods, looking down. When he doesn’t say anything back, I run my fingers through my hair. I don’t even know why I’m arguing with him right now—maybe in the hope of releasing some of the anger I feel at myself, but it’s not working, and I want to be alone.
I stand, but Aaron offers, “Let me have your back now.”
With a sigh, I watch him.
“If you’re still in love with Josie, stay away from Primrose. I can tell she’s into you, and unless you’re ready to give her your all, you’ll end up hurting her again.” He rubs his jaw, looking away for a second before staring back into my eyes. “But if that’s a closed chapter—if you think Primrose might be the right person for you, be honest, Logan. Don’t let this good thing go because you’re afraid. Just tell her how you feel.”
I don’t say a word, the memory of the pain disfiguring her face making me want to scream.
“But before you decide, maybe you could...” With a pleading voice, he whispers, “Talk to Josie. Please.”
It feels like a beg. Like he’s bleeding out, and he needs me to get this over with. To have the conversation that will finally put an end to all the drama and doubts.
And even though I hate him, I know how that feels better than anyone else. “Okay.”
He nods, his shoulders shaking as he looks down at the steps.
I remember when I was right there, crying just like he is. When he and Josie caused me so much pain, every breath felt like dying.
It still doesn’t compare to how I feel about losing Primrose, because tonight, I feel numb. By leaving, she’s taken everything worthwhile in me. She’s stripped me of the essentials, and I hate it.
I hate every minute of it.
I walk into the living room, all of Primrose’s things still scattered about. Her cardigan is on the couch, and the piglets have chosen it as their bed. There’s makeup on the bookshelf, books on the floor, and once I pull her scrunchie out of my pocket, the pain almost has me crouching on the floor.
The ghost of her. That’s all I have left.
* * *
“Hi.”
I twist my neck and throw a look at Josie, standing by the fridge. She’s wearing one of my shirts, and her hair is wet after the shower I forced her to take. “Hello,” I mumble as she walks closer.
This is so uncomfortable.
She is here wearing my clothes, taking a shower in my bathroom, then coming out here like this is still her house. Maybe it wouldn’t have been weird two weeks ago, and we would have slipped into its familiarity. But it feels wrong today—like she’s unsuccessfully trying to fill Primrose’s spot.
“You know where the cups are,” I mumble as I walk out of the kitchen and into the living room.
I drop on the couch as I hear her pour coffee, then open the fridge for milk. She probably realizes I only have almond milk, which she hates, and she closes it with a huff.
Just like a hundred times before.
She comes out, then slowly walks by my side and sits on the couch. There’s a long silence in which she probably ponders what to say. What I think about, instead, is how I screwed up something that was barely even born.
I see all my mistakes one by one. Every single opportunity I had to tell Primrose, but I didn’t, all the words I should have said but didn’t leave my mouth.
They’re heavy and thick on my tongue now.
“Look, Logan, I’m so sorry about tonight. I had a little too much to drink, and?—”
“You’re an alcoholic,” I interrupt.
She doesn’t say a word, so I turn to her, waiting for confirmation. “I’ve had a few incidents?—”
“You’ve taken up drinking as an answer to your problems. You drink until you act irrationally or pass out. It’s straining your relationships and ruining your life.” I shrug. “So you’re an alcoholic.”
When she looks down at her lap, lips wobbling, I exhale.
“Aaron told me you filed for divorce.”
Her eyes snap to me. “What...how do you feel about it?”
I ignore the actual meaning of her words and take a sip of coffee. “Worried about Sadie. I assume you’ll have some shared custody agreement?” Her lips bend into a frown. “One week with you, one with him? Weekdays and weekends?” I shrug. “What happens when you have her? Will you drink if something happens? And if you’re out of drinks, will you leave her alone to buy more?”
“Logan, I would never put Sadie in any danger.”
“Maybe. Maybe you wouldn’t today. But I’m sure you would have laughed six months ago if someone had told you you’d be making a scene at my parents’ house and running from home to show up at my place.”
She brings the cup to her lips and slowly sips without saying a word.
“You need help, Josie. We can get it for you so that you can go back to taking care of Sadie the way you’re meant to.”
Tears strike her face as she nods. “Okay,” she says, her voice tinged with sadness.
Okay.I guess that’s something, but I intend to ensure she follows through.
Neither of us says anything else for a long while, and Barbie’s upbeat voice, blabbering all the time, is painfully absent. How can a place where I lived my whole life no longer make sense because she spent thirteen days here, then left? How is it possible?
“Does Prim hate me?”
My body twitches, and I shift position to mask it. “I have no idea. She dumped me.”
“What?”
I’m not repeating it, so instead, I bask in my misery, in the unbelievable amount of pain compressing my lungs. I let the thought of it poison me slowly and thoroughly. How I lost someone who tried her best to get to know me. To understand me and give me comfort.
“So...you’re single?”
My brows tighten as I turn to Josie.
“I know. You’ve just broken up,” she says with a shaky voice. “But I need to say this now, Logan, because I don’t think I’ll get another chance.”
“Josie—”
“I adore Prim, but you’re the love of my life,” she whispers.
Watching her distressed expression, I can recognize in her the same pain I felt for so long. It kills me to know she’s going through it, but at the same time, I feel none of it. None of the heartbreak that has followed me around like a ghost for the past five years.
Hearing I’m the love of her life means nearly nothing to me.
“I know it’s terrible that I only realized all of this when Prim came around. And if I’d told you three weeks ago that I love you, this would have been much, much easier, but...” She wipes her tears away, but more follow quickly after. “I had to try, Logan. You need to know before you choose.”
Rubbing a hand over my mouth, I rest my forearms on my thighs. I keep my eyes on the silent fireplace, then whisper, “Timing has nothing to do with this, Josie. You could have said this a year ago, and my answer would have been the same.”
She cups her face, shoulders shaking lightly.
“There’s no choice, because there isn’t a single doubt in my mind Primrose is the person I want to be with. But this has nothing to do with her. We were done the moment you chose my brother over me.”
“I made a mistake, Logan, I?—”
“I’m not punishing you or...” I wave dismissively. “Whether he loves you or not—even if he’s given us his blessing—it’d hurt him. I don’t care if he’s done it to me, Josie. I’m not Aaron, and I would never, under any circumstance, date my brother’s ex.”
Tears create small dark patches on her jeans. “Yeah. And that’s why I’m in love with you.”
A bitter smile bends my lips as I turn to her. I think I spent the last five years missing her memory, before it was tainted by what she did. But seeing her for what she is is a sobering realization.
She’s selfish. She cheated on me. And the fact that she’d decide to tell me all of this once I’m finally happy, careless of my feelings, of Primrose’s, of Aaron’s...“I think you should go.”
Her face crumples at my words, tears flowing freely as she nods. “Okay. Yes.” She sniffles, then stands and looks around. “I...uh, I’ll?—”
“Aaron is waiting for you outside. I’ll make sure you get your clothes tomorrow.”
She doesn’t look at me this time and quickly walks to the door as if she can’t escape fast enough. It reminds me of old times, when she ran away from fights. When she avoided confrontation until it exploded and tore us apart.
Not Primrose, though. She’s not afraid of a fight.
As she darts out, Aaron’s questioning gaze meets mine, then he nods with a half-smile. He points at the driveway and, with a wave, walks away.
Go after Primrose, he said. And I will. There’s only one hotel in Pinevale, so it’ll be easy to check if she’s there. If not, I’ll go through every single hotel in Roseberg. Her stuff is still here, so she can’t be far, and fuck me, I’m going to find her and talk to her.
If I can punch Aaron in his face and reject Josie, I can talk to Primrose too.
I walk to the door, but just as I head out, the sound of a car engine comes from the driveway. My heart thumps as I wait for an Uber to show up and drop my Barbie at my door, but I’m hardly that lucky. Instead, the car parking in front of my house is a police cruiser with Connor at the wheel.
What the hell is he doing here?
“How’s it going, Coleman?” he asks as he opens the car door and comes out. His cold and calculating eyes twinkle with joy as he pulls his pants up.
“What do you want, Harper?”
“I’m looking for your girlfriend, actually.”
The blood freezes in my veins. “Primrose?” I scowl. “Why? What do you want with her?”
With a shrug, he thumbs his ear. “That’s none of your business.”
“She’s not here,” I mutter. I’ll need to call the lawyers again, won’t I? If only this asshole would let this go.
“Well, where is she? I need to see her right now.”
My heartbeat quickens. I’m sweating, but I’m afraid the sun shining in the sky has little to do with it. I think I’m panicking again.
Why is he looking for her? They have nothing on us. They have nothing on her, and if someone should go down for this, it’s me.
I will die before I let anything happen to my Barbie.
“Why are you looking for her, Connor?”
After a moment of hesitation, he picks his teeth with his nail. “Fine. I’ll tell you, but only because, though I think you’re a bumpkin, I’d want to know if it was my woman.” As if his sudden display of humanity wasn’t surprising enough, he takes on a severe expression. “We have a witness placing her on Derek’s farm.”
They...what? That’s impossible.
There’s nobody out here—who could have seen her besides goats and sheep?
“I’ll need to arrest her, so if you could let me know where to find her, I’ll be on my way.”
No. No. He can’t arrest Primrose. She can”t be locked up—I’ll do anything.
A surge of panic courses through my veins like a jolt of electricity, sending my heart into overdrive. My breath comes in short, shallow gasps, each inhalation feeling like I”m sucking in air through a straw. “I did it,” I blurt without a second thought.
“What?”
“I set the fire, stole the piglets. It was me, and Primrose had nothing to do with it.”
The words hang heavy in the air between us, and a deafening silence descends as the reality of what I”ve just done sinks in.
My mind spins. I’ll need to call Kyle, make sure that the piglets are safe. He and Simon will take care of the farm, use Aaron’s money, and fix everything. Primrose won’t be arrested and’ll get her dream job at Marisol.
Whether or not I end up in prison, they’ll make it.
“You did it?” Connor comes to stand in front of me. “Do you understand?—”
“Yes,” I hiss. I understand that I’ll be arrested. That I’m confessing in front of a police officer, and there’s no coming back from that. “I did it.”
“Logan Coleman, you’re?—”
“Wait,” I say as I raise a hand. “You need to wait until tomorrow to arrest me.”
He snorts, laughter exploding past his lips.
“Listen, if you arrest me now, I’ll clam up. Won’t say a word during the interrogation, making your job much harder.” I can’t be arrested before I talk to Primrose. She can’t leave before I explain—before I tell her how I feel. “But if you give me today, I’ll serve you my ass on a silver platter. I’ll confess, give you all the dirt.”
He shakes his head, gaze lost in the distance, until he turns to me with a click of his tongue. “Fine. You have until tonight. I’ll be back, and if you pull any crap, I’m arresting your girlfriend.”
I nod, watching him walk to the cruiser and sit at the wheel. Only once he’s gone, my eyes close, the back of my head hitting the doorframe.
This is it.
We’ve been made.