Chapter 35
Thirty-Five
EMILY
Derek left over a week ago. He was up in the middle of the night, checking on Victoria and letting me rest. Of course I couldn’t sleep, and each time I heard him pad across the hall, my heart called out for him to stay. But how could I say those words? For the rest of his visit, we both could have won an acting award for pretending all was perfectly normal in front of James and Victoria. The kids gave him lingering hugs on the way out, and then he was gone.
I also had a chance to talk to Holly who admitted she called Ryan’s mother, who confessed everything to her about her money troubles, caused by a gambling habit she’s trying to curb, and how Ryan had likely left me in the hole. I needed to figure out a way to forgive Lillian, too. Because her calls were about her trying to make amends according to her recovery program.
Holly thinks I’m making a choice to be unhappy. I’m trying to find a way to move forward and consider what’s best for James and Victoria. And for Derek. And me. How could I stay upset with Derek for helping his brother, when I can forgive Ryan for doing the same thing for his mother? It comes from the same place. Duty. Love. Loyalty. All the things I crave in a partner.
There’s something I’ve been avoiding since I’ve come home. I ask Mike to watch Victoria while James is in school, and I grab my car keys.
Breathing is difficult in the stifling humidity. I set a blanket on the grass and lay down.
“Hey handsome,” I say once I rest on my side, my hands tucked under my cheek. I swipe my fingers across his birthday. Name. Dates with a dash between. Beloved son, husband, and father. Forever in our hearts.
Simple and true.
The cemetery’s silence is as unending as the white headstones.
“I miss you,” is all I say until a trickle of sweat trails down my lower back. It’s one of those days without a breeze to cool you from the heat. I face the sky and snuggle in as if he were behind me, holding me.
“Victoria has so much of you in her. Fearless little girl, sweet, and when she smiles, it’s like the first day we met. You were wearing a blue tee, cargo shorts, and your jaw was granite from being woken up by a six-month-old in the middle of the night. Those apartments really did have paper thin walls.”
I’m stalling.
“I did everything you asked. I went, they met, and we kind of started things back up again. Feels weird to tell you this. Yes, I know it’s what you wanted, and no, it shouldn’t be weird. You were right, I was scared. Scared of what seeing Derek’s disappointment would mean. Scared he’d do what he thinks is the right thing. There was only one way to help him see this isn’t the answer.”
I close my eyes, grasping at the memory of Ryan’s face, his touch, and his scent. I clasp my hands over my stomach.
“There were days when I wanted to stay here with you. To wait for you to come back as if you’d gone somewhere without us. And then your silence became familiar. You gave me so much, so much strength, reminding me of what I could do. It was you who held me up, even when I couldn’t. And for all you did for me and for our children, I’ll always love you. ”
Out of nowhere, a leaf lands on my mouth. I sputter and laugh. “Fine. I’ll stop talking.”
I cradle my head in my palms, staring at the unmoving haze above. A memory worms its way out of my subconscious. Ryan was getting ready to leave on his last assignment. He took James out into the yard that night to stare at the twinkling sky while I put Victoria in bed.
“Did you see any Death Stars?” I teased when I joined them outside after getting Victoria to sleep.
Ryan covered his lips with a finger and pointed at James, asleep, curled under his arm on the same blanket I’m lying on. He patted the empty spot next to him, and I tiptoed over and curled myself into Ryan’s free arm.
“Victoria is finally asleep,” I whispered. “How long has he been out?”
“A while.” Ryan tightened his grip and kissed the top of my head, his fingers caressing my shoulder. “I never knew how much I could love them.”
“Ryan…” His impending departure weighed heavily on my heart.
Ryan stared at the sky. “If I don’t make it back, I want you to find someone who will love you and love them. James deserves a childhood.”
“Ry--” My voice broke.
Ryan’s voice remained steady, “I love you. You deserve love.”
Through the swelling in my chest, I blurted out, “I love you so much. I’m afraid I won’t know what to do.”
“Someday you’ll know. And if you’re in doubt, the kids will tell you.”
The kids will tell you.
Tell me what ?
“Tell me what?” I say it out loud.
Although it’s so hot, I shiver. I bolt up and wrap my arms around me as if the temperature had dropped to freezing.
“I love you,” I say, picking up the blanket. “They’ve been trying to tell me, and I have to listen.”
My heels clomp down the stairs to the basement at the same time I’m calling out Mike’s name. He meets me at the landing, his eyes wide and lines creasing his forehead.
“What happened?”
“I need you to stay with James and Victoria.” I rush through my words. “And if you can’t, I need to know so I can call Holly.” I’ll go down the list of everyone I trust if I need to.
“Sure, until what time?” he asks, his shoulders dropping a little.
“A few days, or more. Not sure. Thank you!” I start up the stairs.
“Where are you going?” he calls out after me.
“California. Tennessee. I don’t know.”
He laughs. “Good luck.”
I thought about taking James and Victoria with me. Since I’m not sure where he’ll be, or what Derek will say after I’ve hurt him so much this summer, it will be easier for me to travel alone. As soon as we can, I’ll make a plan for us to figure out a way to be together. I still don’t know if I was dreaming or remembering something at the cemetery, but its Ryan who reminded me if his heart was big enough to love another man’s child, mine could be big enough to love both of them. More than anything, I must show James and Victoria to love enough to forgive. I know Ryan and I weren’t perfect, and neither are Derek and I. But we made things work. We made a commitment to us. And I have to do the same for James, Victoria, and Derek .
The three calls I’ve made over the last hour have gone to Derek’s voice mail. I don’t leave a message because I don’t know what to say. I scroll through our texts and find the link to his schedule. Shit, it’s the Grand Opening tonight. He’ll be in San Diego. There are no flights available tonight. I overpay for a one way departing early in the morning. I spend half the night researching the options Derek provided for James and Victoria’s schooling in Nashville and trying to remember where those houses he showed me were. I write a list of all the questions and things we’ll have to work out if we’re going for this.
Derek’s slumped shoulders and the hurt look he sent my way as he walked out of my house a week ago worries me that I may be too late. I need one more chance to show him.
I land in San Diego shortly after nine in the morning, and less than an hour later, I’m knocking, holding back from banging, on Charlie’s front door. The lock clicks after it’s been long enough for someone to wake up and walk over. Let it be Derek, let it be Derek . It’s Tyler. He’s sleep-rumpled in pajama pants, and scratches at his hair. And there’s a lot of hair. Like he hasn’t had it cut and his beard has grown out. When his eyes focus on me, they narrow.
“He’s not here.” Instead of slamming the door on my face, he waves for me to walk in.
“Is he at his dad’s? Which hotel does he stay at?” I ask not wanting to waste time and grab my phone to call a ride share.
“He’s gone home.”
“Home?”
“As in Nashville.” Tyler speaks slowly as if I don’t understand.
Shit. I start searching flights on my phone. “What time is his flight?”
“Why?” Tyler’s voice is much closer than earlier, and he’s staring at me like I’m shit on a shoe. I get he’s overprotective of Derek, but what Derek and I are doing is our business. Our lives. I take in a deep breath, reminding myself Tyler’s in the middle of a separation—one he didn’t want. And he left the band for what he hoped would be a brighter future, with a wife who ended up cheating on him. “I need to….” I don’t want to tell Tyler. I want to tell Derek. “I need to find him.”
“What happens when you leave again? Maybe it won’t be right away, but six months, a year, maybe five?”
I grip the handle of my carry on harder, tempted to walk down the street and call a car to come get me. I loosen my hold on my phone and give Tyler my most sincere answer. “Maybe. What I know is there’s more glue holding us together that’s much stronger than what could tear us apart. And isn’t that what love is all about?”
Instead of his expression softening, it’s like the anger he’s carrying splinters. He apologizes for not knowing the details and adds a mumbled good luck. In the car on the way back to the airport, I call Derek’s phone again. This time he picks up.
“Emily, hey.” He sounds far away.
“Where are you?” I ask, but his answer comes out in short spurts of cut off words. The rest is garbled.
“Can you hear me?” I think he’s asking if I’m still on the line, but then it goes dead.
Not again!
I type out a message:
Where are you? We need to talk.
Sounds trivial. There’s more than talking, there’s some trust to build.
Wait for me.
Coming over here is supposed to be my proof I’m willing to make the move. To uproot us and I want to show him what I want. That I can come to him when I need him. I don’t know what is what anymore. Tyler’s question about how long we could last repeats in my head. Ryan and I, we made it, right? I think back to the times we argued. Where I pushed and pushed for how to raise James. How to care for Victoria, until he retreated to his work. To being promoted. To his career.
I shake away the thoughts. Ryan loved me. If he would have come back, we would have worked things out like we always did. He would have been here with me, telling Derek about James. Because that was Ryan. The lump in my throat expands into my chest.
Am I making a mistake?
I delete the message. I’ll know when I see him.