25. Mimic
Twenty Five
Mimic
M e: I’ll meet you at home.
After I was run out of Omen’s house by Mama Judy, I let Rox know I was on my way home. I appreciate everything he and Mama Judy did for me, well, everything I can remember, but I need to be with my girl. The conversation she and I need to have can’t be done anywhere besides home.
She deserves all of my attention and none from anyone else as we work through what this is. Stepping out into the sunlight, I squint as I’m blinded but begin the trek home.
Our home.
I don’t want her to leave. Having her in my house, turning it into our home, is something I didn’t know I needed or wanted, but I can’t lose it. I love it. I love her. Fixing this is the only thing that matters right now.
I’ve been thinking about everything that’s passed since I left the other night. I’m not even sure how many days it’s been, but it’s been too many. That much is clear. I never should have left, but I admit, I’m aware of my faults.
I’ve been thinking about everything Omen said, too. He put it in perspective for me, and I shouldn’t have needed that. I should have taken the answer Rox gave me, and I should have respected what she was doing. I was too stupid and blind to listen. I was selfish, beyond selfish, and made it worse when I told her it was her who was the selfish one.
I want to own every part of her, but I should have known a woman like Rox isn’t one you can simply own. She’s a strong, hard-headed, and loyal woman who will die for those she loves. I know this, yet I thought I was someone she would just compromise herself to ease my fragile ego.
That is not the man I am. That is not who I want her to be.
I know I can get past it; hell, I already have. She’s told me a lot about how she grew up before coming into Dizz’s life, and that’s what’s important. I know there’s trauma. Trauma I acknowledge is authentic, and every broken part of me is deserved for questioning that, especially to the man who put her and her mother together after that.
The small amount of information I’ve been given about Rox allows me to fill in some gaps. I know I can’t fill them all in, but I also can’t stop myself from trying. What I’ve gathered so far is Dizz had to help rebuild Meg and Rox. Maybe even threw in a little bit of rewiring. But seeing how amazing she is now tells me he did an amazing job with the little girl he was given. Meg included, obviously. I owe them both everything for getting Rox to this point in life. Without them, I wouldn’t have her. I wouldn’t know what it’s like to fear loss. I wouldn’t understand this hurt or experience how soul-consuming it is. This love is like nothing I’ve ever felt, and I know for a fact I never would if Rox wasn’t here.
I will spend the rest of my life expressing that and apologizing for everything happening now.
When I finally turn toward my house, I see her car in the driveway. My heart starts pounding with anxiety about the conversation we need to have. I don’t know how many ways I can apologize, but I will find them all. Even after she tells me to stop, I will keep showing her through my actions how grateful I am for her giving me chances I don’t deserve.
I reach the door, and I all but freeze, taking a few calming breaths. I am not nervous about seeing her. I am anxious about what this conversation will bring to our relationship. Will we have to fight to return to normal, or will this conversation bring us closer together? Will I have to walk away and love her from afar again? I don’t know. What I do know is I’m the one who brought all this on to her at the worst possible time. She has enough going on.
Just push the door open and get it over with, pussy.
I push the door open, and there is Rox, sitting on the couch, refusing to look up at me as I walk in. I gently close the door behind me and kick off my boots. She continues to look down at her hands, and my anxiety ramps back up again. I don’t know how to take this silence between us. I have never cared about another person enough for this to bother me. Then I hear the soft sniffle and notice that she is crying, and I can’t stand that even more than the quiet. I quickly make my way over to her and wrap her up in my arms. I’m not even bothered when she doesn’t return the hug because she leans into me. She still holds back the sobs that are trying to break free.
“I am so sorry, Rox,” I start to say, but she puts her hand on my mouth, pulling back from my arms to look at me.
“You don’t get to apologize when you don’t even know why I am crying,” she tells me. Her face may be red, and tears stain her face, but her voice doesn’t waver. God, she’s stronger than I give her credit for.
“I am a selfish bastard. I pushed too hard and stomped away like a child who didn’t get the toy they wanted. That’s why I’m sorry. I am sorry I couldn’t see reason. I was so hung up on the fact that you wouldn’t tell me the entire story, I never stopped to think, or believe, that you couldn’t.”
“I told you that over and over.”
“I know. I know you did, and I didn’t listen. I’m not disagreeing with you on that. I’m fully aware of where I went wrong. I let my own desire to know the truth cloud my judgment.”
Rox sighs, “It never seemed like what I told you was good enough.” I try to interrupt, but she puts her hand on my mouth, “No. My turn. It didn’t seem like I was enough for you. I was telling you everything I could, and it wasn’t enough. Who I am now isn’t because of that one moment in my life. I only wanted you to see and understand that I was doing what you all do every day—protecting someone.”
I wrap her in my arms as I hug her and kiss the top of her head. I knew I messed up, but it became a lot more clear now. “I have never, ever, thought that you weren’t good enough,” I pull back and hold her face in my hands so I can look into her eyes. “The only one who isn’t good enough is me. I’ve fucked up so much lately because I can’t handle what I’m feeling. I don’t know how to process everything.”
“I get the first time you walked away. There was so much going on. Emotions you haven’t felt in years, if ever, and memories being brought back to the surface. Ugly memories that are much better suited locked away behind a door that can’t be opened anymore. But even when you were gone, you let me know you were okay. You still functioned, even if it was away from me. This time was so different, and it’s causing me to question a lot of things, Max.”
The more she speaks the stronger her resolve is. I really did fuck this up.
“This time was different because—” I can’t even explain it to her. I tried but every variation of the truth just seemed more and more pathetic.
I was selfish, and I broke her.
“Because why?” Rox asks me with a slight bite in the two words. “You tell me that you love me. You held my face and told me you were in love with me. You kissed me in a way that anyone else would think you were saying goodbye. And then, you did just that. You said you had to leave and then walked out the door. Then when I finally see you again, your ass was fucking handed to you. You didn’t let me know you were alive. You didn’t go to work. You got drunk and picked fights with people who would have no trouble killing you. Yeah, I got the progress reports when I saw you.”
She gets up and puts a reasonable distance between us. My body feels cold with her so far away. Her nearness always heats me from the inside out. Giving me a rush of endorphins and making everything better. When I don’t have her, my world plummets into a dark abyss I want nothing to do with. Even now. I can still see her, and if I get up, I can touch her, but I feel like I’m falling, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get back up if I hit the ground.
I know that is what my life will be if she walks away from me.
“Max, whenever things get heavy and hard, you walk away from me, from us! Is that how you are always going to cope? Drop a huge emotional bomb and then fuck off for who knows how long?”
“I needed to process,” I start, desperately trying to find the words that will bring her back to me. “You being close brings something out in me I can’t explain. I want to wrap you up and protect you from everything that can hurt you. From your father, Angel, anyone who hurt you emotionally and mentally, to this fucking freak who is trying to kill you.”
“You hurt me, Max. You are the one who made me cry and hurt me this time. You didn’t even give me a chance to process everything before you kissed me, told me you loved me, walked out the door, and didn’t come back.” The tears start to fall again, and her voice starts to waver. “Had Omen not called me to tell me you were there sleeping off a drunken fight with my dad, I probably still wouldn’t know if you were dead or alive.” She brushes the tears away as if they annoy her. “Even though you walked away and didn’t return, I went to you.”
“Omen told me you were there,” I say softly, standing because I’m drawn to her. The pull to have her in my arms is so strong.
“Because when I tell someone I love them, I am there for them. When someone is my everything, no matter how pissed off I am at them, I will do everything in my power to make sure they are healthy and loved. I don’t tell them I love you and then bail. That hurt me more than anything I have been through in my life.”
I listen to everything she’s telling me. I don’t even know how to make it up to her for what I put her through this last little while. Then, her words hit me like a bullet to the heart.
“You…you love me?”
Rox stops pacing, “If I didn’t love you, would I care this fucking much about everything going on right now? Do you seriously think I’d put myself through this shit? Some may say I should walk away from you and never look back, but the truth is, you didn’t physically hurt me. You just don’t know how to act like a fucking adult and talk shit out. I don’t know if that’s gonna cut it anymore, Max.”
I slowly take the five steps towards her, cradling her face in my hands. It’s one of my favorite ways to hold her. I look into her eyes, using my thumbs to ever so softly wipe away the moisture falling down her cheeks.
“I love you, Rox. More than words could ever say. If you let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for all the hurt I have caused you. You are my whole world and being, all wrapped into one perfect, fiery pink-haired package. Can I please come home and show you how much you mean to me with actions? I’m not the best with my words.” I speak softly to her as I bring my lips a hairsbreadth away, “But I know how to show you.”
“You did pretty good there,” she tells me with a watery laugh. “I love you, Max. You are my sullen hero. You just needed a little smack, verbally and physically.” Hearing her say those words out loud, to me, just to me, does something to me.
I lean in, softly press my lips to hers, and try to convey everything with the small action. Her hands run up my chest and she holds my shirt in a tight grip. Like she was fearful I would turn and run away from her again.
Never again.
The kiss gets stronger as she pushes her body into mine. My fingers grip the back of her head, and I start walking us to our room.
I push her back once her knees connect with the bed, and she sits down, breaking our kiss. I take my cut off and drop it to the floor before I grab the back of my shirt and pull it over my head. Once it’s off, I drop to my knees to be at eye level with her.
“God, I love you, Rox.”
My lips connect with hers, and my hands find the hem of her shirt. I lift it over her head, and our mouths are back together as if they were never apart. The feel of her lips on mine is like no other. They’re plush and soft, and she hands over the right amount of control. She’s the only one I’ve ever kissed and felt this way while doing so.
I push up, causing her to fall back, and I follow, allowing my body to cover hers. Her legs open so beautifully to me, and I roll my hips against her. My cock is rock hard as I drag against her center. Her soft moan tells me she likes this, and I want to hear more of those sounds. While I love the rough and dirty sex we have, this is something I’ve never done with anyone before, and it’s only right that Rox is my first.
“I want to make love to you, Rox.”
She opens her eyes, and I see beauty. I see trust. But most of all, I see love. Her hands come up, and she cups my face before nodding, “Yes. Yes, Max.”
Our lips come together once again, and we stay like that for a while. Minutes, maybe an hour, I couldn’t say. All I know is nothing has ever felt so right. When her hands come down to my jeans, she unbuckles them and starts to push them down my ass. I push up and away from her so I can stand up and get them off the rest of the way. Once I’m naked, I finish her off, too.
My body covers her once again, and I use my hands and my mouth to worship her. I show her what I feel about her, and I let her know without words how much she means to me and how sorry I am. I know sex isn’t going to make this issue between us go away, but it’s one of the ways I can show her I love her, and she needs this right now as much as I do.
When I finally slide deep into her, her back arches, but her moan stays soft and low. She doesn’t scream, and she doesn’t beg. She lays there, taking what I can give her. She’s allowing herself to truly feel the connection the two of us have. She’s glowing like a goddess, making me see her in a new light.
“I’ve never seen someone as beautiful as you, baby.”
I pump into her as I watch her mouth. She’s opening and closing as she breathes through her pleasure. She may not be making noise, but I don’t need it. Her mouth and her eyes are telling me everything.
The quiet has never been so loud.
“Max,” she gasps, and that’s when I feel it. She’s slowly been building up, and I hit her spot just right to finally detonate her.
“That’s it, baby, just like that,” I whisper as I kiss her again. She grips me tighter, causing me to spill deep within her, claiming her once again from the inside out.
“I love you, baby.”
“I love you, too, Max. So much.”
We lay there for a while. My softened cock finally slips out of her, and I put my weight onto my side so I don’t crush her. Our legs are wrapped around one another, and I push my fingers through her hair. Her beauty really is on another level.
“Max,” she says, and it’s her tone that tells me this is going to hurt. “This thing we have, this is real. This is solid. I want everything with you, but your leaving hurt so much. I know that I knew you were okay, but it still killed me to see you hurting so much, and I couldn’t do anything to help. Then, with how you reacted…”
“I know, baby. I know. I can’t take it back, but I’m going to make it up to you for the rest of my life.”
“I believe you.”
“But?” I ask, fearing what it is she’s about to say.
“But tonight, it’s my turn to leave and process. And when I come back, because I will, we will never walk away again.”