Royal Scoundrel (Frat Wars #4)

Chapter 14

14

Archie

What was supposed to be a few hookups that turned into pretend boyfriends I thought would last a few weeks has morphed into months, and there’s no end in sight.

Dash is the person I text when I wake up and the man I call as I’m falling asleep. He’s the one I talk to about Father, and my studies, and how on earth I’m going to be able to continue with my frat duties senior year as everything else ramps up.

We go on dates to the drive-in and on-campus festivals, party our nights away at my house, and fall asleep in each other’s beds more often than not.

Dash has quickly become my person, and even though I’ve always known I’m going to have to give him up, I’ve hit the point where I don’t know how.

“They’ve got some folk music playing in the quad tonight,” he says from the pillow beside mine, playing Snake on his phone.

“Sounds good.”

Dash’s snake dies, and he tosses the phone aside, rolling over to fling his leg over mine. “We can do something more low-key though. I know you got all funny when we saw Lizzie out the other night.”

I shake my head. “That wasn’t because of you. We haven’t spoken at all since we kind of broke up.”

“How do you kind of break up?”

“Well, we were never officially together, so I assume that you can’t officially break up in that case. But we ended things.”

He nods, fingers trailing over my chest. A look crosses his face that I’ve seen a few times lately, and it always leads to a conversation I’m not interested in having if I don’t cut him off in time.

“What are your plans for summer break?” I ask.

Dash shrugs. “Head home for a bit. I’ve got some internship applications that I’m waiting to hear back from.”

I swallow against the question I know I shouldn’t ask. It comes out anyway. “Can I see you?”

“See me?”

“Yeah. Like, we can visit each other. Or meet up somewhere. Maybe take a private boat out into the middle of the ocean where no one is around but us.”

“And what would you tell your dad?”

“Shh …” I slap my hand over his mouth. “We pretend he doesn’t exist, remember?”

Dash gives me sad eyes as I remove my hand. “Pretending only lasts for so long.”

“It lasts for as long as I want it to last.”

His gaze drops, thumb brushing my nipple, before he shakes his head. “Summer sounds like a good time to have a little break from each other.”

“A … break?”

“I’m not saying we won’t keep seeing each other until then or even when we’re back, but … maybe having some distance from this thing will do us both good.”

“Why?” I shift out from under him and throw my legs off the side of the bed. “Want to fuck a bunch of other guys?”

He laughs, and it makes my anger burn deeper. This jealousy when it comes to him has never backed off. I’ve never been able to move on from it, no matter how many times I remind myself that Dash might feel like mine, but he isn’t. He never will be.

He wraps his arms around my waist and presses a kiss to my bare shoulder. “I’ve willingly tied myself to you for half a year now. If I was interested in having sex with other people, I never would have done that.”

“Right.”

“I’m … attached to you, Arch. It’s not healthy. We both know how this ends.”

“Maybe I don’t want it to end. Ever.”

“That’s not your call, and we both know it.”

I frown, letting those words sink in. How the hell can I have my life apparently made when I don’t even get to choose who the hell I share that damn life with?

“If it was …”

“If what was?”

“If it was my choice, and I chose you?—”

Dash shoves away from me. “I’m tired of your hypotheticals. Fucking hell, Levine, at some point, we can’t keep ignoring the real world. At some point, we have to take a step out of fantasy land.”

“Fuck the real world.”

“Yeah, well, you can hate on it all you like, it isn’t going anywhere.” He rubs his hands over his face and shifts so he’s sitting beside me. “Unfortunately, neither am I. The thought of you not being here makes me sick. I hate how much I like you. Some days, I think I need you. I can’t need you. It’ll break me.”

“Then I guess we’re both doomed to be broken.”

He takes my hand, but neither of us says a word. It’s not like we can argue. It’s true. We only did this to ourselves. My heart is going to end up in a million shattered pieces.

So will Dash’s.

Because of me.

“Maybe you’re right,” I whisper. “Maybe we should use summer to take a break.” Even saying the words is painful.

He scratches at the black marker he’s used to color in his fingernails. “Yeah. It’d make things easier.”

“And when we’re back?”

“Why don’t we decide when we’re back?”

In other words, he’s hoping to be over me before then. This wave of panic hits me, but there’s nothing I can do. I won’t fight for us. Father will never accept me with him, so … it’s too damn bad.

I hope he gets over me.

I’ll never get over him.

“But the break doesn’t start before then,” I tell him. “I’m going to live in denial until I board the plane for New York.”

“Solid plan.”

“Unless I drag you on there with me.”

Dash laughs, but he doesn’t know I’m serious. All it would take was the smallest bit of courage. A rare moment of stubbornness, of wanting, and I’d break. I’d tie Dash to my damn plane, then take him home and introduce him as the man I’ve fallen for. Even in my imagination, it doesn’t go well.

“Hungry?” he asks.

“I could eat.”

“Let’s head to the dining hall before class.”

I agree because I won’t eat otherwise and follow him from the room. We walk side by side, not touching, and every step makes me more and more frustrated. With Father, with the world, but mostly with myself.

The way I feel about Dash isn’t going away. It’s getting stronger and driving me out of my damn mind. You’d think those kinds of feelings would be enough, that it’d make me draw a line in the sand and grow a fucking backbone.

But no matter how deeply I care for him, my father is still my father. He’s still the man who controls my life, my future, and he’s still homophobic as hell. The only way for us to have a future is to walk away from him, but there are no guarantees when it comes to Dash. He couldn’t even answer me when I asked if we were a real possibility.

Not that I can blame him. He’s given me everything I’ve asked for, and I guess trying to picture us as a real couple was asking for one thing too many.

I can’t help it though. Can’t stop picturing and wanting. Dash makes me feel more alive than any money or travel or exclusive party ever did, and I don’t understand how everything can feel like it’s meant to be when I’m with him. We’re doomed. But why doesn’t it feel like we are?

Every boost, every spark, every flicker of hope that hits me when we’re together makes me want to be a better, braver man.

Pity it’ll never happen.