Chapter 1
Present Day
“ Y ou know what this means though, right?” Eden sounds positive while Wrath stares at the poster she’s put on the table.
I knew it wouldn’t be long until someone else around here spotted posters of the stunt show Freya ran away with all over town.
“It means you get to speak to Freya. She needs to know about Willow.” Eden’s enthusiasm falters as she wraps her arm around his.
Wrath closes his eyes and looks weaker than I’ve ever seen him. It’s been less than a month since we found out the Reapers killed Wrath’s sister, Willow, and all because Cliff screwed them over.
“How the fuck am I supposed to do that?” He looks at his old lady blankly. “I let Freya down just as much as I did Willow. She’d never have left town with this fuckin’ show if I’d stuck around and taken care of her.” He screws up the poster in his fist as he gets up from the table and heads for the door to the balcony. Eden goes to follow, but I shake my head and decide to go after him myself.
“If you’ve come out here to tell me I’m wrong, you can walk your ass back inside,” he calls out without having to turn his head and see that it’s me.
“I didn’t come out here for that.” I step up beside him so I can rest my forearms on the railings and look out at the ocean. It's lookin’ like it’s gonna be a beautiful day despite the huge shit cloud we got hanging over us.
“We need to make some kinda movement, Ruckus.” Wrath cracks his knuckles and keeps his eyes on the horizon. “All this waiting around shit is drivin’ me crazy…” He shakes his head and slides his fingers through his long wavy hair.
“You talkin’ about what happened to Willow, or this killer we gotta find?” I light myself a smoke.
“I’m talkin’ about all of it, Ruck. It’s not safe for Freya to be here right now. It’s not safe for Eden. Someone came through our fuckin’ gates and killed a girl we were supposed to be protecting. We have zero clue who it is… for all we know it could be one of us.”
“It ain’t one of us,” I assure him, though if I had to place a bet on which one of us it would be, I’d put all I got on it being Sinner. He’s always had serial killer energy.
“And how can you be so sure?” Wrath looks at me with narrow, pained eyes.
“Because it ain’t, we threw out the crap with your father, everyone here is loyal, you have to believe that or you’ll drive yourself mad.”
“I’m already driven fuckin’ mad, Ruck. I sleep with a gun under my pillow, I spend all my time thinking about riding to that Reaper compound and tearing up hell… My wife deserves better than that.”
“You know that can’t happen. I’m all about getting revenge, brother, but Raze is right. We have to think smarter than them. That’s exactly what they will be expecting us to do. After all this time without Eden, then finally getting her back, do ya wanna end up dead or behind bars? I get that it’s tough but…”
“No disrespect, Ruck, but you don’t get it at all. You’ve never cared about a female in your life. You think with your dick. So don’t fucking stand there and tell me you know how I feel.”
I swallow my frustration and hold back the voice that wants to tell him he’s wrong.
“The girls are safe. We’re on our guard. We’re alert, We’ve improved security since the Jenika incident.”
“Don’t call it an incident, it was fuckin’ murder and it happened right here under our noses. That could have been my girl,” he points out.
“Come on, Wrath, you know your girl’s safe. Especially when she’s with you.”
“And what about if she ain’t with me, what then?” He frowns at me.
“Every brother in that room would take a bullet before they let anything happen to Eden, Peyton, or Saul’s sister. Don’t think I don’t know what you're doing. I’ve known you for too long.”
“What the fuck are you talkin’ about?”
“You, using protecting Eden as an excuse not to visit your sister. Fre—” Fuck, even saying her name triggers me. “She deserves to know that her dad and sister are dead and her big brother needs to be there for her when she finds out.”
“You’re right.” Wrath lowers his head, then after a few long breaths he slowly walks back inside. Instead of following him I look back out at the ocean, trying to stop the memories I got from fucking with my head. Ever since I saw that damn poster I’ve not been able to get her off my mind… who the fuck am I kidding? That bitch has never been off my mind. She’s etched into it like a fucking curse that no amount of time and distance can undo, and now that I know she’s close again, I’m gonna have to find some real restraint…
2 Years Ago
I step out of the clubhouse for some air and light up a cigarette, and when I take out my cell the map app is still open on the last location I typed into it.
I don’t know why I do it to myself, I guess sometimes curiosity just gets the better of me. The show’s Instagram page is constantly updated, it allows me to check where she is whenever I feel the need to know.
Tonight, she’s only three hours away, that’s no fucking distance at all, and it’s taking everything inside me not to get on my bike and close that distance.
All I want from her is answers. I wanna know why I woke up that morning after we spent the night together and found her gone. I wanna know why she didn’t say goodbye, and I wanna know why the fuck I had to hear it from her lunatic father that she’d left town with those stunt riders. You’d think that after three years I’da gotten the fuck over it. But it turns out that no amount of anger or screwing other women has gotten her out of my head. She’s been living there, rent free, since she left, and it’s time I got her evicted.
“I was wondering where you got to.” Simone comes stumbling out the clubhouse door on heels that are far too big for her and a bra that's way too tight. “You wanna get a room?” She circles her finger around my chest while she waits for my answer.
It would be easy to take her up the stairs, spread her legs, and try to fuck Freya’s face out of my head. I’d feel better after I shot my load, at least for a few minutes.
“I don’t think so.” I shake my head and look down at my phone again. The show starts in two hours, and the stunt bikes are the headline act. They’ll be the last to perform. I could make it there in time, maybe wait around for her to be finished and have that conversation I feel like I’m owed. I’ve thought about it so many times and never given into the urge, so why does tonight feel so damn hard?
“You know where I’ll be.” Simone winks at me seductively as she heads toward her room on the ground floor where a few of the others are hanging around and waiting to strike.
I look at the clubhouse door, then across the yard to the arch. This shouldn’t be something I’m even contemplating. Freya doesn’t care about me, she’s moved on with her life, all the Instagram photos say that she’s happy. Show-life is clearly for her. So why do I have a sense that she needs me? Why do I hear her calling out to me whenever I close my eyes?
I take my dad’s coin from my pocket and hold it tight between my thumb and my finger. Last time I made a decision regarding her, I ignored what it told me to do, and look what happened.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Heads, I get on my bike and ride to the show, tails, I fuck out all my frustration on Simone. I flick it high and catch it as it falls, feeling my heart thud faster as I look down at my fate.
Looks like I’m headin’ to the show.
I leave my cut hanging over my bike as a warning of who it belongs to, and as I move through all the parked cars toward the entrance gate I take in how big the big top actually is.
I reach the booth and pay for a ticket, taking in the smell of freshly popped corn as I follow the noise and head inside the tent.
It’s pretty full in here, there are a few seats dotted around that I could take, but I decide to remain standing at the back, I can watch just fine from here.
I feel my stomach knot with anticipation.
Last week I stood in front of three Russian men who worked for the Bratva, each one of ‘em pointing a gun at me. How the fuck is this making me nervous?
The trapeze artist finishes up her act, and I can feel the excitement building among the crowd as a backstage curtain opens and a team of men push a huge sphere into the center of the ring. I know what comes next, I’ve watched the videos online, and every time it makes my fuckin’ heart stop. This is exactly why I shouldn’t be here. I don't want her to be a part of this, even if she likes it. The fear of her getting hurt cripples me, and the fact she’s not mine to protect destroys me even more.
I need to see a fuckin’ shrink.
After a dramatic light show and a huge build up, the stunt bikers come tearing out from all different entrances. They cross each other as they flip over ramps, flying high in the air, missing each other by inches. The loud gasps from the audience prove that they're impressed by the show.
Then, when all four of the riders come to a halt, and the lights go low, it’s my turn to hold my breath. A spotlight shines on the sphere. The crowd goes silent, and when the curtains open, another spotlight shines directly on to her.
Despite the pain that seeing her in the flesh puts in my chest, I smile. It’s impossible not to, because she looks so pretty and so happy.
The light follows her across the ring as she races like a ball of energy toward the sphere. Her long blonde hair is styled in soft waves and bounces as she moves. The crystal tiara she’s wearing matches the leotard that leaves nothing to the imagination. It’s tight, and shows off those curves I got to hold in my hands, so perfectly.
I squeeze my hands into fists as I think about her heavy breaths in my ear, and the way her body tensed as I molded her pussy to fit my cock.
Shaking the memory away, I take a deep breath and continue to watch. One of the riders gets off his bike and holds open the door for her to get inside and she waves in all directions of the crowd before she enters. A loud roar comes from the bike of the rider who’s going inside with her as he revs his engine. I know who it is from my Instagram stalking, it’s the weak little fucker who I sent on his way that night at the club.
Drew slowly enters and when the door slams shut, caging them inside, my nails dig into my palms. The beat playing over the speakers gets louder and more intense, then the crowd starts clapping as Drew reaches across and kisses her lips through the face gap of his helmet. It makes me burn inside, and envy momentarily distracts me from the fear I have of her getting hurt. He starts slowly circling her, and I wanna race down these bleachers into the ring and pull her out of that death trap. I wanna punch the fucker who’s building momentum around her, right between his fucking helmet, but all I can do is watch as the music gets faster and so does he.
Freya stands perfectly still in the middle of the sphere, and I wonder if after doing the same thing every night for three years her heart still races as fast as mine is.
I know the reason she left that morning was because of me. It had to be, she lied to me that night, while I was inside her. She regretted us, and this is what she’d rather do than have to face me every day.
It’s eaten away at me ever since, it still burns me from the inside out, and here I am ensuring that old wounds never heal. The bike is whizzing around her so fast now, all it would take is for Drew to lose control and she could die. I force myself to watch. I didn’t come here to stand with my eyes shut like a fuckin’ pussy. I came here to face up, to prove to myself that she’s moved on. Freya Adams doesn’t need me. She never fuckin’ did.
Eventually he starts to slow his pace, and I feel my chest heave a breath when he finally comes to a stop. Every spectator gets on their feet and Drew is clearly pumped with adrenaline as he throws off his helmet, abandons his dirt bike and lifts Freya off her feet. Then he kisses her and gives the audience the perfect finish to the act.
He carries her out the sphere and places her back on the ground so he can raise her hand and they accept their applause together. Freya looks out at the crowd with a big wide smile on her face, the kinda smile she always gave to Aaron or Polly, but never to me. Did I really think that one night with her would change everything?
Drew leans her back and kisses her in front of everyone again, and she clings to his arm and laughs before he brings her back up. I quickly shake my head and storm back out because seeing her look so happy shouldn’t cause this much hurt. It’s a reminder that I’m a bad person and she’s better off without me.
I should never have come here, I should never have fucked her in the first place. I take the coin from my pocket and stare at it one last time before I toss it in the air and let it fall to the ground.
“Dumb fuckin’ coin.” I leave it in the dirt to ensure that I never make a bad decision about her again.
How am I still feeling that same pain two years later? I guess over the years I’ve learned to live with it, suffering in silence has been the way to handle things around here for so long. But so much has changed since Cliff’s been gone. I see Raze and how he cares for Peyton, and Wrath may be in a bad place right now, but he loves Eden with all his heart and he ain’t afraid to show it. Their lives have changed, while mine is just sitting dormant.
Two years hasn’t stopped me wanting to get those answers, it hasn’t stopped me caring about her, and it hasn’t stopped me wanting to get on bike and ride to that show just so I can be close to her again.
If I hadn’t left my coin in the dirt that night, I’d take it out right now and use it to assure myself that what I want to do is a bad idea. If I had any fuckin’ sense or pride I’d tell myself to get it out of my head, but when it comes to Freya Adams I got nothing but compulsion and so I rush for the door, racing through the clubhouse so I can get to the parking lot and catch up with my best friend.
“What ya doin?” Wrath looks confused as he watches me take my saddle.
“What d’ya think I’m doin’? I’m comin’ with you.” I nod my head at Rocco to open the gate before I change my mind.