Chapter 2
Two Years Earlier
“ W hat are you doing?” I catch Drew snorting another line off the table and he wraps his arms around my hips and buries his head into my stomach.
“There’s enough for you too, baby.” He lifts up his head and laughs at me.
“You know I don’t do that shit, and you wouldn’t either if you cared about me. You need to be focused for the show tonight.” I don’t want to cause an argument, but Drew’s been going off the rails lately. He’s really starting to scare me.
“You know this shit makes me do better, right?” He looks up at me and creases his brow before standing and grabbing a beer from the refrigerator.
“Shouldn’t you be in make-up, getting your hair done or some shit?” He cracks the top off. “And tell Magna to lose the skirt part of your costume, we upped the price of tickets since we were last here, let’s give the boys something to look at.” He grabs my ass before taking a long swig from his bottle.
“Drew. The drugs and the drinking… it’s making me nervous,” I explain, hoping it will make him think.
“Sweetie, you stand in the center of a giant hamster ball every night and let me ride circles around you, a little beer shouldn’t make you nervous.” He takes hold of my hand and pulls me closer.
“Come on, Drew, you know what I mean. Even Josh agrees with me. It’s risky.”
“Josh.” His mood instantly changes and he slams down his beer. “You and my brother have been talking behind my back?” He storms toward the door and rips it open. “Josh, get your weasel ass in here,” he calls out, and I close my eyes while instantly regretting my words.
“What’s up?” Josh steps inside our trailer, taking off his cap and tucking it into his back pocket.
“Have you been speaking to my girl about me?” Drew asks, causing me to lower my head rather than look at the poor guy. “You think I drink too much? That I don’t deserve a little something to take the edge off between shows?” he questions, and when I hear a loud thud, I look up and see that Drew’s slammed his brother’s head into the counter.
“Stay the fuck outta my business. Ya hear?” Grabbing the back of his shirt, he drags him to the door and tosses him out, then, as he marches back to me, I flinch. It’s been a long time since he struck me, but it's also been a long time since I had the courage to stand up to him. He surprises me when he touches me softly, but the way he takes a strand of my hair and twists it around his finger still makes me shudder.
“Why don't you have Magna do that pretty thing I like with your hair tonight?” he whispers, placing a soft kiss on my cheek.
“Sure.” I nod, waiting for him to release me before I squeeze past him and scurry out the door.
“Should you be riding? You could have a concussion,” I check with Josh as we stand backstage and wait for our act to start.
“It’s not me riding that we should be questioning.” He glances over at his brother, who’s fooling around with the others.
“Go join them, you’ll get into trouble again.” I smile at him, feeling terrible that the split lip and bruise around his eyes were caused by me and my big mouth.
Josh nods back at me as he heads over, and I shake out my hands and try to remain calm. I get nervous before each show. Considering what my role is, I guess it wouldn’t be normal if I didn’t. But since the show got mentioned in some famous vloggers’ Instagram account six months ago, the pressure has really been on. The tent is always full, and Drew must be feeling overwhelmed with that pressure to give them all a good show. He’s the headline act after all.
“See you out there, baby.” He walks his bike past me toward the curtain and kisses me before pulling his helmet down from where he’s balanced it on top of his head.
I watch through the crack in the huge red curtain as he and the other guys do the first part of our act. Everything seems to be going to plan. Drew’s in full control but that doesn't ease my concerns. It hasn’t gone unnoticed to me that I’m only three hours from home, it would be easy to run through the gap behind me, steal one of the trucks and drive myself home. Dad would be mad, but I know he’d never turn me away. It’s been three years since I left, a lot could have changed. Maybe he wouldn’t have the same expectations of me, maybe Aaron has come home. I often wonder if Ruckus is still there. He never admitted it to me, but I know how much he hates my dad, I never understood why he stuck around after Aaron left. I have no doubt that things would be awkward, but I’d really like to see him again. I’m curious to know if he’d still have that disdain for me, despite what happened the night before I left.
I may be surrounded by people here, but it can get really lonely and my mind always seems to wander back to him.
Ruckus has hated me since he came to the club all damaged and broken when he was fifteen. I’d never admit this to him, but I liked him from the start. I still don’t know where he came from or what was wrong with him. As far as I know, nobody ever did, not even Aaron. But it didn’t stop me wanting to fix him.
Ruckus made it very clear from the start that he wasn’t going to be anyone’s fixing project.
Despite his hate and the way he used to scowl at me, I still cling on to the memory of the night we spent together. I always smile when I think of how he tried so hard to be gentle with me, even though it wasn’t in his nature. I remember how it felt to have his full attention without having to act up or be a bitch to him. How much it hurt to have him inside me, but how I liked it at the same time. Then I have to remember how I kissed him goodbye, being careful not to wake him. I don’t know why but I had some crazy delusion that he might have tried to convince me to stay if I had.
“Freya, you're on.” I get a hard nudge from Byron and quickly place on my smile as I prepare to face the crowd.
My adrenaline is pumping as I run toward the sphere, keeping my head held high and waving to the audience. Nobody came here tonight to see fear, they came here to see danger, they want to be shocked and enthralled.
I step into position, hearing Drew’s bike rev loud behind me before he makes his way in and the steel door scrapes shut.
“We got this, babe,” he whispers, leaning in to kiss me, and when I smell the alcohol on his breath it puts another lump in my throat.
I close my eyes and try to find some calm as he starts to circle me. I ask myself what would happen if I died here tonight, if any of the people I’ve been living with for the past three years would care. Would word ever get back to my brother and sister? Would my dad regret never dragging me back to the club?
Would Ruckus give a shit?
The air spins around me as Drew picks up speed and I keep my eyes closed, counting down the seconds until it’s over. I wait for something to go wrong, wondering if I’ll feel pain of just black out?
The music stops and when a loud applause picks up around me I realize I’ve survived another show and open my eyes.
“What did I tell you?” Drew throws off his helmet and leaps off his bike, the adrenaline is fierce in his eyes as he grabs me and kisses me. Sucking up the energy from the crowd like it’s a drug and crowing like a wild animal. He guides me out of the sphere and the crowd gets louder as he lifts my arm and presents me to them.
I smile for them all, giving them what they came here to see. A girl fulfilling her dream, travelling the country, with the man she’s in love with and the thrill of adventure all in her back pocket.
“I fucking told you.” Drew grabs me and leans me back, giving the crowd a little extra tonight when he kisses me again. “Listen to them. You feel that baby?” he asks.
“I feel it.” I laugh back at him, relieved and hopeful that tomorrow will be better. I’ve become really good at kidding myself.
I smile some more and wave to the crowd before Drew drags me backstage. He gets jumped on by the others like it’s the first time they’ve ever performed. Drew gets the same treatment every night, the guys act like he’s a hero, but tonight Josh isn’t joining them in the celebration. He stands on the other end of the backstage curtain watching them, and when his eyes move to meet with mine I feel the anger in them. I’ve seen a lot in his eyes over the years I’ve known him, fear, sadness, guilt, but never anger, and I fake a smile for him too before I leave and head to my trailer.
It must be the early hours of the morning when the door slams open and Drew stumbles inside. I figure he must have just taken a piss outside because his jeans are open and his cock is hanging out of them. I quickly close my eyes, hoping he’ll think I’m asleep and crash out himself.
“Baby, are you still awake?” He pokes me hard in the shoulder, then when he shakes me into the mattress I roll over onto my side.
“Come on, my little star.” He climbs under the covers behind me and when I feel him start to jerk off against my back I keep my eyes closed and stay silent. The amount he’s drunk tonight must be having its effect, and he gives up after just a few half-hearted strokes. But I give it a while longer before I look over my shoulder.
He’s flat out asleep, still holding his flaccid cock in his hand. Slowly, I slide myself to the bottom of the bed so I can climb out. The space in here is so cramped, I can smell the toxins coming off him, and when I’m reminded that the situation I’m in is never gonna get better, I need some air. I grab my robe, tying it around my middle, and step outside just in time to see the start of a brand new day. The roustabouts are already up and at it, dismantling everything, ready to move on to our next location. I hear them calling out to each other as they unhinge the heavy metal poles and load them onto the haulage trucks. They never talk to me, Drew forbids them to, and everyone does what Drew says around here. I realize that I’m still barefoot when something sharp digs into my heel, and as I look down to see what it is, I notice something else. Something that distracts me and makes me pick it up.
It may be covered in mud, but I recognize the old coin that’s in my hand. It’s just like the one Ruckus carries around with him. I know it’s rare and we’re close to Long Beach… there’s every chance this could be his, he could have been here. I clean it off with the pad of my thumb and stare at it, ignoring the pain in my foot because for the first time in so long I feel something other than fear and sadness. It feels a little like hope.
“Freya… Bring out some beers.” I shake myself out of the memory and realize that I'm stroking that same coin with my thumb. Being back in town is making it hard not to think about him, and two years later, I’m still trying to convince myself that this coin is evidence that he was there that night.
“Freya!” Drew hollas at me again, and I quickly place the coin back in my jewelry box to head for the refrigerator, taking out four Buds on my way to the door.
“What took you so long?” Drew snatches one from my hand and busts the top off, while Josh’s eyes shift sideways toward him as he continues to tighten a bolt up on his bike.
“You look like you’ve had a few of these already.” I laugh nervously as I start to pick up the empties.
“Just having a good time with the boys.” Drew grasps hold of my face and tilts it toward him. “Why so grumpy?” He puts on a baby voice and pouts as he forces my cheeks together, and when Josh looks ready to stand up and do something about it. I quickly rip my head out from Drew’s hands before he gets himself into trouble.
“Ooooohhhh,” the others sing in chorus
“Shut the fuck up,” Drew yells, draining the last from his bottle then fisting my hair. I trip on the step as he forces me back into the trailer, slamming the door behind him, and after a hard, angry shove in my back I fall hard against the table. Pain cracks through my side and when I stroke my hand over my ribs a sharp pain makes me whelp.
Drew stands over me, getting a grip of my hair again and forcing me to stand upright.
“You like undermining me in front of people like that?” His breath stinks of beer and I try not to flinch when his spittle lands on my cheek. “You like trying to make me look like an idiot?”
I wait for the strike to come, but it doesn’t. Instead I feel his knuckles softly swipe over my cheekbone so he can catch my tears. “Don’t play the victim, Freya, it doesn’t fucking suit you.” He releases me so fast that I drop to the floor, and after he grabs another beer on his way out the door, I hear the laughter outside pick up when he rejoins his friends.
I don’t know how long I sit staring at the frayed carpet, but I spend a long time wondering how my life turned into this, and at which point I let it.
All I do know is that there's no going back from it, not even being here, back in town, could tempt me to do that.
I eventually pick myself up off the floor and manage to pull myself together just before Magna lets herself into our trailer.
“They seem geared up for a good night.” She smiles as she steps inside.
We have a show in less than four hours, Drew is drunk, and by now probably high too. I can hear the boys outside getting louder and all I can do is smile and pretend.
“This is your hometown, right?”
Over the years I’ve seen a lot of people come and go, but Magna was here long before I joined. I remember her telling me I was making a mistake when I first came here.
“It sure is.” I look out of the trailer window, even though there’s no view from here. We’re packed in by more trailers. It’s the same view I get wherever we travel. This time it doesn’t bother me, it just makes it easier to pretend that home is nowhere near here.
“Will you make some time to catch up with your family, we’re here for five days?” she asks.
“I don’t think so.” I shake my head and smile back at her sadly. It would be great to check in on Willow, but I doubt she’d be pleased to see me. Not after I abandoned her just like Aaron did. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t because it would mean going back to the club, and I never want to see that place again.
“Your daddy, he’s a biker, right?” Magna lights herself a smoke.
“He’s president of a club around here.” I take in a deep breath despite it being polluted with nicotine.
“I’ll bet he’d be pleased to see you. I’d happily come with you if you wanted to visit him,” she offers, and when her eyes glance over to the chain that’s bolted to the wall beside the bed I realize that I’m not fooling anyone.
“I don’t want to visit my past.” I stand up and move toward the basin, I still haven’t done the bowls from breakfast.
“Freya, I know you're not happy here.” It seems Magna came here for a reason and she isn’t giving up.
“Yeah, well I wasn’t happy there either so I don’t see how visiting the club is going to help.” I scrub the dishes extra hard.
“Freya, you do a damn good job of hiding how scared you are to everyone else, but not to me. You and I both know that one day that asshole is going to kill you.” She moves to stand beside me, placing her hand over mine to stop me from scrubbing. “I just wanted to remind you of where we are and how easy it could be to go home.” Her eyes move back to the chain that Drew locks around my ankle each night before I go to sleep. It started last year after we had a fight. He caught me sneaking out while he was sleeping and ensured that I never attempted to do it again. Not that he has to. I wouldn’t have gone very far even if I did get away and I don’t care how easy it would be to go home, I made the decision a long time ago that I’m never going back there.
“I’m fine where I am,” I assure her with a smile, ignoring the pain in my ribs and the sting in my chest that tells me I’m a liar.