51. CHAPTER 51
CHAPTER 51
ARI
M y leg bounces up and down, nearly rocking the Jeep as we get closer. “Maybe we should wait until we both look a little less, you know, beaten up,” I say, trying another stall tactic.
Ethan reaches over and places a hand on my bare thigh, giving it a firm squeeze. “Trust me. They don’t care what we look like.”
“I don’t know how you can say that so surely.” I rip off a piece of nail with my teeth that I’ve been chewing on the entire ride, then spit it out. “It’s not every day the child that you willingly gave up shows up on your doorstep—and looking like this.” I wave a hand at my face. “She’s probably going to thank God she dodged this bullet.”
Ethan just smiles.
“They’re expecting us?” I ask again.
“Yes, I told you, they can’t wait to meet you.”
“I’m still pissed at you for coming here yesterday. I mean it, Ethan. If this goes sideways, it just might be my undoing. I still can’t believe I let you talk me into coming.”
“Just breathe, Red. It’ll all make sense in just a minute.”
Ethan parks in front of a cute house on a quaint little street and points at it. “We’re here.” I keep bouncing my leg and look at my hands in my lap. Turning toward me, he brings a hand to my cheek, gently gripping my chin and turning my face toward his. “I would never put you in a position to get hurt again. You know that, right?” I nod. “Then I need you to trust me.”
Smiling, I reach out and touch the new cut he has on the other side of his top lip, which will surely scar. “It’s like you have two cliff lips.”
He grins. “You love my cliff lip.”
When we get out of the Jeep, Ethan takes my hand in his and leads me along the side of the house. “Where are you going? Why aren’t we going to the front door?”
“They’re probably in the garden.” He points toward the back fence. “Shirley said they like to spend as much time out there as they can.”
I smooth a hand over my tank top, suddenly wishing I wore something better than jean shorts for the occasion.
When we get to the gate, Ethan reaches over and unhooks it. “Hello?” he bellows into the yard. “Shirley? Bonnie? It’s Ethan and Ari.”
We step into the backyard, and I’m taken aback. It’s so serene out here. There are large green fern-like plants overflowing into a walkway that winds through the small backyard. I can see various colors of roses in different locations mixed in with tulips and wildflowers.
“You’re here!” a sweet voice calls, and I turn to see a gray-haired woman in a pair of faded overalls with dirt-stained knees coming at me, arms stretched out to her sides. She walks right up and embraces me, then pulls back and stands with her hands on my shoulders. I remain frozen, my hand squeezing Ethan’s as this woman looks at me like it’s the first time she’s seeing the world in color. “Oh, my sweet grandbaby, you’re here,” she whispers, her eyes glassy.
“Um … Hi,” I squeak out. “I—”
“Momma, are they here?” I hear a nasally voice, and turn toward it, Shirley’s hands dropping from my shoulders.
And I know without a doubt that the woman I’m looking at is my mother. She’s wearing a green summer dress that makes her pale skin and red hair pop, as well as her green eyes. Green, almond-shaped eyes that are set wide on a flat, round face that is accentuated with a small mouth. She’s short and stocky, and absolutely the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
She takes me in just as I do her. Looking down at her hands, then back up at me, she says, shyly, “I waited a really long time to meet you.”
I swallow, just staring at her. Ethan squeezes my hand, and I blink a few times. “I …”
The woman tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, just like I do when I’m nervous or rattled. “Am I not what you expected?”
I shake my head, but she can’t see it because she’s looking down again. “No. Yes—I mean …” I reach down, since she’s shorter than me, and grasp her hand. She looks up at me. “It’s really nice to finally meet you. I’ve looked for you for a very long time.”
Bonnie’s gentle eyes lock with mine as she raises her free hand and brushes her fingers across my blackened cheek. “Can I show you my garden?”
I nod frantically. “Yes, I’d like that very much.”
“The ivy is my favorite.” She gives me a tug in that direction. “When it gets direct sunlight, it just grows and grows and spreads everywhere. It’s so beautiful.”
Our hands still joined, my mom leads me under an arbor and down a stone path into a magical little world that is filled with colors and life and hope.
***
Shirley sets two glasses of lemonade on the little, round glass table between us, then sits in the chair opposite me on the back porch. I’ve been watching Bonnie give Ethan the same tour of her garden that she gave me, and I’m absolutely mesmerized.
“William and I knew she was dating someone,” Shirley begins. “She was involved with a center in town that runs various programs for people with disabilities. And she would come back from a visit there with the biggest smile on her face. Then she started talking about a boy she had met. We thought nothing of it. We figured, she was a young woman, and she met another young man like herself at the center. It was sweet. She spoke of this boy, George, and then one day when we went to pick her up, she introduced us to George, and he was no boy.”
Gazing across the garden, I see Ethan looking over his shoulder at me, a smile of his own stretched across his face as Bonnie holds out a flower for him to smell.
“This man was clearly several years older than Bonnie. He volunteered at the center. When she introduced him as her boyfriend, he chuckled and shrugged it off, so at first I thought, maybe she had fantasized a relationship with him. But she kept coming home so happy and just … well, in love.”
A breeze blows, causing the wind chimes to sound beautifully, and I see Bonnie’s hair blow across her face before Ethan reaches out and smooths it back for her.
“William was in denial, so he continued to believe the relationship was one-sided, which was innocent enough,” Shirley continues. “But I just knew it was real. And, to be honest, it wasn’t hard for me to believe. To this day I will tell you George didn’t take advantage of Bonnie. I honestly believe he was in love with her. I mean, what’s not to love?” She gestures toward Bonnie and Ethan.
“So, I let it continue. I knew it would end in heartache for her one way or another, but I also know that love—the kind of love she was experiencing—doesn’t come along every day. And, especially for her, it may not come around again.
“And then one day she came bounding down the stairs, practically dancing, and said she was pregnant. That she and George were having a baby, and that William and I were going to be grandparents. She was so excited. And that excitement broke my heart, and William’s, because we knew they weren’t going to be a happy family.”
Shirley looks at me. “We knew you weren’t going to have a happy family, my dear.”
I swallow, my heart racing. “What happened?” My question is a whisper.
“Well, first I had to talk William out of murdering George, and then one day the man showed up at our front door. Bonnie was home. She went right to him and he just enveloped her in his arms, cradling her head against his chest and kissing her hair. And then he looked up at William and me, and I could see the devastation in his face. And he told us—all three of us—that he couldn’t leave his wife, and that he was so sorry, but he was going to seek full custody of the baby.”
Shirley stops and takes a ragged breath, reaches for her glass of lemonade, and takes a sip.
“William bellowed—the windows actually shook—before he lunged for George. And George just let him. He just let my husband pounce on him and give him a few slugs. Finally, after I dragged my husband off George, we sat Bonnie down and explained to her that after she gave birth, George wanted to take the baby and have it live with him and his wife.”
Lena.
Shirley wipes a tear off her cheek. “I will never forget the look on Bonnie’s face as she realized what George planned to do. It was heartbreak, devastation, confusion … Just so many emotions all in one. She let out a howl, curling in on herself and nearly falling to the floor. And George, he flew from his seat and fell to his knees in front of her and cradled her face in his hands. And he cried right along with her.”
“I don’t understand?” I interrupt. “Why would he want to take the … me … and raise me with Lena if he was in love with Bonnie?”
Shirley picks at a loose string on her overalls as she answers. “Because Lena said she would have Bonnie deemed unfit to be a mother and you would be placed in foster care unless George agreed to stay with her and raise you as theirs.”
I deflate as I slump on the bench. I knew Lena was a piece of work, but I didn’t realize she was capable of that.
“William and I discussed pursuing custody, but Bonnie convinced us not to.” My head snaps toward Shirley. “She said George was a wonderful man and that you deserved to be loved by him. That he could provide so much more for you, and you deserved to have everything he could give you. She loved you so much that she let you go.”
A sob escapes, and Ethan swivels, hearing me cry. Our eyes connect but I shake my head, letting him know I’m alright. He nods once, then turns back to Bonnie.
“George accompanied Bonnie to all of her appointments. We questioned her decision to sign over her parental rights every day—every single day. Especially when we learned that Lena insisted on testing to see if you would be born with the same chromosomal defect Bonnie has, since there was a fifty percent chance.”
“That bitch.” I don’t even try to hide my reaction.
“But, in the end, Bonnie trusted George because she loved him so much. The day you were born—Bonnie had a scheduled cesarean, because you were breech—she asked me and William not to go to the hospital. Lena wasn’t there, either. It was just her and George. We never got to see you, but Bonnie did. After you were born, they brought you around the curtain that shielded her stomach from view and held you out so she could see you. She said she kissed your face and hair, and that you were the most beautiful thing she had ever laid eyes on.”
I bring a hand to my throat, thinking I may actually gag from the emotions stuck there.
“And then George took you, and he and Lena moved away. A few years later we heard through the center that George had died. We tried to find you, but any avenue we pursued was unsuccessful.”
I close my eyes as I try to pull in cleansing breaths of air. In … Out. In … Out.
“Bonnie has wondered about you ever since. Every Christmas, she would muse, ‘What do you think Arlene asked for from Santa?’ And on your birthday she would insist we have a cake for you.”
My shoulders shake with more sobs as I smile through my tears, and I feel them run down my face and cheeks, dripping off my chin and landing against my bare thighs. Someone sits beside me and places a hand on my thigh. When I open my eyes, I see it’s not Ethan. It’s Bonnie.
She takes my face in her hands, then leans in and kisses my forehead. “Don’t cry,” she soothes me.
“I’m so glad we found you.” I feel a hand on my shoulder, and know that’s Ethan.
We all stay like that for a moment, my face in Bonnie’s hands, Ethan’s hand on my shoulder, and Shirley sitting next to us. Finally, Ethan speaks up. “Where did the name Arlene come from?”
“Oof,” Shirley grumbles, as Bonnie answers, “I named you after my horse.”
I giggle. “A horse?”
“For the record, I told her not to name you after an animal,” Shirley chimes in with an eye roll.
Bonnie removes her hands from my face and instead takes my hands in hers. “She was my favorite horse at the center. George used to take me out to groom her when I was having a bad day, and she brought me peace. He said she was a majestic animal. When I saw you, I felt the same way. You brought me peace, even just that one time I saw you, and you were beautiful. Majestic.”
If I had any more tears to cry, they would come out. But I think they have finally run dry.
“Arlene—the horse—I mean,” Bonnie giggles before she continues, “had to go to another center, but there are other horses there. Would you like to see them someday? Maybe they will bring you peace, too.”
I nod vigorously. “Yes, of course.”
“Would you come, too, Ethan?” Bonnie looks up at him.
His eyes shift from mine to hers. “I go wherever Ari goes.”
Bonnie giggles some more, and Ethan squeezes my shoulder. I look up and lock eyes with him, giving a small nod. I know exactly what he’s thinking: her giggle is just like mine.
No, my giggle is just like hers .
“Well,” Shirley begins as she stands. “Bonnie and I were going to cut into an apple pie we made this morning. Won’t you join us?”
“Oooo, you have to try it!” Bonnie stands as well. She still has a hold of my hands. “Our apple pie always comes out so good.”
I look up at Ethan. “We have time, right?”
“Are you kidding?” He rubs his stomach. “Even if we didn’t, we would make time for pie.”
***
We leave Shirley and Bonnie with hugs and kisses and the exchanging of telephone numbers and emails and social media handles, and the promise of daily phone calls and another visit soon, before Ethan and I are walking down the front steps, hand-in-hand.
I can feel my legs shaking with each step, and as we get to the sidewalk, Ethan turns and looks at me. “Ari, you’re trembling.”
“I know.” I pull my hand out of his and ball both of them into fists in front of me, then shake them out. “I’ve just … Gah! I’ve got all this energy!” I bring a hand up to my forehead and place the other on my hip. “Can you believe she … And then they …” A laugh breaks out of me. “I don’t know … I can’t—”
“Go.” Ethan gives me a grin, and I tip my head at him, eyebrows pinched in question. He nods toward the sidewalk. “Go. Run.” I look up and follow the sidewalk with my eyes. “Think. Process. Get your blood pumping and get that energy out. It’s a lot, I know. And you’re strong enough now. But just promise me one thing?”
I turn and look at him.
“Promise me you’ll no longer be running from anything, but toward it.”
I dart forward and grab Ethan’s face, pulling it down to kiss it hard, and then just as abruptly I pull away, turn, and start to run.
Ethan chuckles behind me. “I’ll follow in the Jeep.”
I take off down the sidewalk, thankful to be wearing sneakers instead of flip-flops, and feel wisps of hair blow against my face and neck as I go. I pump my arms and legs as I pick up speed.
I was born out of love.
I pass a big Victorian house in a dramatic navy blue color with an intricate wraparound porch, and then a few smaller, quaint houses with porch swings and window planters.
I brought my mom peace every time she thought of me.
A vehicle slows alongside me, and I turn to see Ethan’s Jeep and hear him catcall out to me before he picks up speed and drives off into the distance.
I have a mother and a grandmother, and they want me.
I suck air into my lungs and enjoy the burn. My heart is racing in my chest, and it’s a welcome feeling—the blood pumping through my veins.
The street starts to incline, and I slow as I hoof my way up to where it flattens out at the top, and I see a longer stretch of road and sidewalk that ends in a cul-de-sac, with Ethan’s Jeep parked at the end of it. He leans against it, arms crossed over his chest, ankles crossed in front of him, waiting for me.
I pause briefly at the top, leaning over to rest my hands on my knees as I catch my breath. And then I take off again. I pump my arms and legs as fast as they will go as the houses pass by and I close the distance between us. When we’re several feet apart, Ethan pushes away from the truck and opens his arms, and I jump into them.
“Umph!” he grunts at the impact, and I remember he’s still recovering. I wrap my arms and legs around him, and he holds me tight.
“Ethan?” I say into his neck.
“Yeah?”
“Take me home so we can make up for all our lost time.”
He sighs into my hair. “Anything for you, Red.”