Thirteen
Jace
Mom looks down at the table, her face wrinkling, and I can tell she’s trying to gather her thoughts. Trying to make sense in her head of what she saw and how to move forward. She scrubs harder at the wood and then falls forward, her face landing in her hands. Her loud sobbing cuts at my chest like a knife. I’ve disappointed her again. I always will, won’t I? I can’t keep pretending I can be the son she needs me to be.
“Mom, I—”
“Don’t,” she says under her breath, rubbing at her eyes. “Just don’t.”
“I’m sorry. It was my fault, not his. Please don’t blame Nate for this.”
“I don’t.” She straightens her back, unable to meet my eyes. “I don’t blame you either. It’s that man’s fault. What he did to you . . . It’s my fault. I should have looked harder . . . I should have . . .” She lets out a sigh, shaking her head.
“I love him. I know it’s not right, but I do.”
“I knew you two spent too much time together. Your dad didn’t think so, but I knew.” Her voice shakes. “I just knew it wasn’t normal. How close you got. All the hugging and hand-holding. And no . . .” She looks me right in the eyes. “It’s not right, sweetheart. And it’s why I have to make a decision. A hard one.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re an adult now so you’re old enough to go where you want, but I think you should go stay with your uncle Judd for the rest of the summer.”
“What?” My heart stops in my chest. Judd lives in another state, far away from here. I’d never see Nate again. That’s why she thinks I should go. She doesn’t want me near him. She no longer trusts me.
“I’m sorry but . . . it’s not a good idea for you to stay here. Don’t think I’m giving up on you because I’m not, but Jace . . . what I saw today.” Her hand lifts to her chest and her bottom lip shakes. “What if others found out? What if . . . I don’t think anyone else would understand. I mean, I’m trying to myself.”
“It won’t happen again, I promise. Please don’t make me leave.”
“It’s either that or another group home. You and your brother don’t need to be near each other right now. I think he’s confused too, and you being here will only make it worse. Time away from each other will be good for you both. I’ve talked to your uncle already, and he said he could use some help on the farm.”
“Mom—”
“Please,” she begs, with her eyes as much as her words. My throat closes up, breaths strangled in my lungs. “Do this for him if not for yourself. You both have so much to look forward to, and I’d hate to see you both throw it all away for some strange phase you’ve fallen into.”
“Phase?”
“He’s your brother, Jace.” Her words shake me up inside, my nose flaring. “Can’t you see what you’re doing to him? I think you need more help than we realized. You came home too soon. I wanted you here so bad, I didn’t want to see it. I can’t have both my sons . . .”
“I’ll go.” I lower my head, tugging at the hem of my shirt. “You don’t have to remind me of all the trouble I’ve caused since moving here. I’ll go.”
“Jace.” She reaches for my hand and I shove her away.
“I’ll go to my room and pack.”
She doesn’t say anything else, nodding as I rush up the stairs. What do I tell Nate? That I’ve agreed to leave him so I wouldn’t cause him more trouble than I already have? So I wouldn’t destroy the full life he could live without me being here? What if all this time away makes him see what everyone else sees? I wouldn’t be able to handle him looking at me the way they do.
Slamming the bedroom door behind me, I stare at the photos of us Nate plastered all over my closet mirror. In some we’re smiling, and in others Nate is stretching my lips with his fingers. Marching forward, I yank the pictures off the mirror, then gather everything else I plan on taking with me before shoving it all into two bags.
A knock at my door has me jumping back, almost dropping everything. My mom enters, wearing a frown. “I booked you a last-minute flight for tonight. Your uncle will be waiting for you at the airport when you arrive.”
“Will I get to say bye to Nate?”
Her eyes are heavy and she shakes her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. He may not understand right now.”
I nod, sliding the straps up my arms. “When do we leave then?”
“I can take you now. That way you have time to check in, and just in case we run into any traffic on the way there.”
“Yeah, okay.” My stomach knots at the thought of leaving without telling Nate how much I love him and how sorry I am for everything. This is the right decision. I know it is. He’ll thank me later. I needed this push to protect him from myself. I was unable to walk away without it, and even now I’m struggling.
“Do this for him.” My mother’s words play in my head as I follow her out the door and load my bags into the trunk.
I will. I’ll do it for him. I’d do anything for him. He’s always given me what I need and now it’s my turn.
I press my cheek to the cold glass window as we pull out of the driveway, and I close my eyes, remembering the moans slipping from his lips earlier. Remembering how good he felt. Remembering how good he tasted. Remembering how I’ll never have that again.