Fourteen
Nate
He left me. I didn’t want to believe it. As soon as my mom told us he was on a plane on his way to uncle Judd’s I ran to his room. His favorite hoodie was missing from the closet. Leftover residue from the tape was stuck to the glass of the mirror where all our pictures last were. Holding my chest and taking painful breaths, I collapse on the bed.
The room blurs out of focus and I lean forward, tears pouring from my eyes. Wretched sounds escape me and a weight rests beside me, a hand rubbing my back.
“It’s going to be okay,” Mom says, not sounding convinced by her own words. “He’ll be back. He’s not gone forever.”
I sob harder, burying my face in my hands. An ugly sensation spreads through my chest and I can feel myself breaking on the inside. How long will it take him to come back and piece me together? Will there even be anything left by then? I need him back now.
“Why?” I cry. “Why’d you make him leave?” She told my dad it was because she wanted to protect him from Bobby after hearing about him being up for parole. She was worried about his safety, she’d said, but he’d still be joining me at college and we’d have our own place together.
I know the truth, though, and it has nothing to do with his dad. Mom lied. She’s going to keep our secret but probably more for her and Dad’s benefit than ours.
“It’s what’s best right now. You two will be okay, I promise. Being out on the farm with the animals could be good for him.”
I shake my head and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. “What if it’s not?”
Her eyes narrow and she takes my hands. “It’s better than him staying here. Than what was happening between you two. You both need some time without each other is all. Be around other people. Make new friends.”
“I have friends, and I meet new people every day.” I shove her hands away. “This is only good for you and Dad, not us.”
“You can still talk to him on the phone. He’s your brother. You two can’t . . . It’s not right,” she whispers.
My throat clogs with emotion and I stand from the bed.
“It’s not your choice to decide what’s right and not right for me. We aren’t actually related. Who cares if we want to be together. We’re adults who are free to make our own decisions.”
“You don’t know what you want right now. You’re still both too young. I know he’s always been a huge influence on you and—”
Anger burns in my veins. “What? If anything, I’ve always been the one to suggest things. He was always too scared to take a chance on anything. Jace wouldn’t even drink a Coke without punishing himself afterward. Did you know he was cutting? Did you?”
Her brow furrows. “What?”
“He was hurting himself every time he thought he broke a rule. Why do you think so many pairs of scissors, nails files, and razors went missing? It was hard to keep him from everything. He always found something.” My gaze shifts to the broken mirror on the dresser.
She slowly stands, her jaw twitching. “You knew all this time?”
“Yeah. I did. He stopped for a while and then today happened.” My heart falls further the longer I stare at the shattered glass on the floor, one small piece covered in tiny drops of blood.
Her eyes bulge and she covers her mouth. “I’ll have to let your uncle know. I’ll call the therapist. I’ll—”
“You did this. He was getting better and now who knows how much of that has been undone. This will be another thing he’ll always blame himself for. Another reason to feel ashamed and damaged.”
“That was never my intention and you know it. He knows we love him. I’ll always love him.”
“Did you tell him that? He’s the one who needs to hear it, not me,” I scream, rushing to my room and slamming the door behind me. I haven’t said it to him lately either. I’m just as guilty. I reach for my phone, ignoring the knocking on my door. I have nothing left to say to her or Dad. She wants me to leave the house more and to meet new people, then I will. I’ll be so busy with all these friends she wants me to make, I won’t have time to be home for dinner or family movie night. They’ll only see me when I walk through the door and leave the house.
“Nate,” my mom calls on the other side of the door. “You’ll understand why I’m doing this eventually. You both will. It’s not because I don’t love either of you. It’s because I love you both too much.”
Gritting my teeth, I lower myself onto the bed. Feeling like there’s a fire in my chest, I rock back and forth, taking in deep breaths. My fingers shake on the phone as I dial Jace’s number. No pick-up on the first or even the third ring. I reach his voicemail and hang up to try again. I keep calling, and after the fifth time of the call not going through, I leave him a message. I tell him I love him over and over. I tell him I’ll see him soon. I tell him ten good things he’s done lately and that he deserves a reward for each one.
One: You kept me from getting scared at the movies.
Two: You made me appreciate the rain more.
Three: You held the door for four people yesterday when we got gas.
Four: You cleaned ice cream off my face.
Five: You paid for the popcorn and pretzels.
Six: You washed the dishes so Mom didn’t have to worry about it.
Seven: You offered to take a shift at work so your co-worker could enjoy their birthday.
Eight: You saved me all the orange Starbursts.
Nine:You saved a bee from a puddle.
Ten: You gave me the whole world this morning.
“I love you,” I say one last time with a sob catching in my throat.
It’s only two months. I can survive without him for two months. But can he survive himself? He’s his own worst enemy, especially when the only words he’s surrounded by are the ones in his head.
Dropping the phone on the floor, I curl in on myself on my bed, wishing I could sleep the rest of the summer away. My mom’s words are tangled webs in my head. I picture Nate alone on the plane, having to be around so many people and experiencing something huge all on his own. I can’t stop the worry from seeping in further. My head is on the verge of erupting and I’m the one who needs my world to spin faster than my thoughts for once.