Twenty-Six
He’s leaving today. Forever. No one prepares you for moments like this. For the already-there hole in your heart to expand from having to let go of the person who showed it how to beat properly to begin with.
Jace runs a finger over my bottom lip. “Want to get something to eat before dropping me at the airport?”
I shake my head, scooting in closer. “Just lie here with me until it’s time to go.”
“For the whole two hours?”
“Yes,” I rasp. “For as long as you can.” Fighting back tears, I rub my face into his chest. I’d never gone looking for him at the farm, because Mom wouldn’t tell me where it was at first, and when I finally learned the location I was afraid of him pushing me away when I showed up. I was worried it had been too long, and told myself I’d only go if he asked.
I waited for him. For him to write me back. For him to run to me. Now I’m waiting for him to leave, and soon I’ll wait for my heart to fill the gap he leaves behind. I don’t know if it’ll ever happen. I don’t think I can really let him go.
Tears hang at the corner of my eyes and I squeeze them tighter, wrapping an arm around him, wishing it was enough to hold him here forever. I thought I could make one last time be enough. It’ll never be enough. I’ll always want more. Always.
“Please don’t go,” I say against his skin. “Stay longer.”
He rakes his fingers through my hair, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “It’s already been decided. You can’t take back what we agreed upon after I’ve already held up my end of the bargain.”
“I’ll go with you then. If it has to do with you no longer wanting to be here and facing our family.”
“No, baby.” He sighs against me. “You belong here. Free of all the burdens I’ll bring you.”
“What burdens?” I peer up at him. “Your nightmares?”
“No. My nightmares are not the worst part of me.”
“Then what? Whatever it is, we can work on it together.”
“It’s too late for that. I am who I am, and you are this bright light I never want to dim.”
“But—”
“How about you let me hold you while we watch one last scary movie together?”
“I . . .” I lick my dry lips. “Okay.”
I don’t fight him on it anymore. A deal is a deal and I need to stand by it like I promised I would. I can try. I’ve gone through this before—only this time it feels more final.
He turns on the TV and chooses the movie when I don’t make any suggestions. I go still against him, looking at the way his chest rises and falls while he watches the screen. When the alarm goes off on his phone, I help him load the trunk with his bags. Neither of us says a word at the restaurant, and I pull my hand away from his when he tries to hold it.
Saying goodbye this time will be different than it would have been back then. Because no one’s making him go this time. He’s leaving on his own. This is his choice to make and he’s still settled on walking away from us. I help him get his bags out of the car, and when he tries to kiss me I press a hand to his chest. “How about you save that goodbye kiss for next time.”
His face falters. “Oh, baby. This is it. There is only this time. Don’t you want to make it count?”
I stand my ground, backing away. “Have a safe flight home, Jace. And if you want that kiss, you’ll have to come back for it.”
His eyes water and he takes a deep breath. “Bye, Nate. I love you, and in order to keep you loving me, we have to go our separate ways.”
“I still don’t understand. There’s nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you.”
“And the longer you think that, the better we’ll all be. Maybe we’ll both be in a better place in seven years. Maybe by then, we both can officially say we’ve moved on and you can really be the brother I should have kept you as.”
He lifts his bags and disappears slowly into a crowd of people. I stand here, waiting for him to turn around, and I have no doubt in my mind I’ll be waiting in seven more years as well.