Ryder (Phoenix MC #1)

Twenty-Two

N ow that my body was starting to come back to life, all I could think about was how he’d been all over me, and I would never feel clean again, never feel like me again, because he’d broken me. He’d tortured me, making sure I felt everything, and then he raped me. A decade after I thought he’d destroyed me, I realised he’d succeeded this time.

Ryder cursed, cupping the back of my head as I sobbed into his hard chest. How I wasn’t freaking out at the closeness, I had no idea. Was it just that he was the closest thing to a safe haven? Was it that I’d been obsessed with him since I’d been with him? Was it more than that?

“What can I do, Tori? You want me to take you to the bathroom, so we can clean you up?”

I nodded, unable to speak while sobs still gushed out of me.

“Okay, darlin’. I’ve got you, okay?”

He carried me to the bathroom, and looked around for a moment, before he eased me down to sit on the closed toilet seat.

“Sorry, it’s not much, just a shower. Will this be okay?”

I glanced around the small bathroom, which, for a man’s bathroom, was pretty clean.

“Yes. I… will you help me?”

He ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath, then he crouched in front of me. His eyes were full of compassion as he spoke.

“How can we do this so it doesn’t scare you, or make things worse? I can obviously keep my clothes on, and help you stand in the shower, but can you… do you need me to… uh…”

“My arms are weak. I, Jesus… I might need help getting clean .” Ryder swallowed hard, clearing his throat.

“Okay. Uh… you okay here for a moment? I want to grab something for you to wear after.”

I nodded, but the moment he left the room, I started to breathe fast, like being alone was too much. I could hear him moving around in the bedroom, but I was alone, and in a strange place. By the time he returned with a bundle of clothing, I was lightheaded and gasping, my whole body trembling.

“Fuck. Hey… I’m here. What do you need, Tori?”

“Don’t… please don’t leave me alone.”

He watched me for a moment, reaching up to push my hair back from my forehead in a gesture so gentle, I barely felt it.

“I’ll try, darlin’, but I don’t think you wanna watch me take a leak when we’re done.”

He grinned, a small effort, but I appreciated it.

“I concede that point… but can you help me shower first?”

He gave me a mock offended look then.

“I’m not a kid. I can hold it. Okay… Shit… I gotta take off my cut, okay? I’ll hang it on the door, but I don’t want to get it wet. The rest of my clothes don’t matter.”

I watched him as he shrugged off the leather garment, and carefully draped it over a hook on the back of the door. He treated it with respect, kind of the same way he’d touched me. I didn’t deserve that from him, not after what I’d done.

I watched as Ryder turned the shower on, and adjusted the temperature, then he fussed with his shower gel for a moment, before he turned to look at me.

“I, uh… I don’t have anything to wash you with.”

“Whatever you use is fine.”

He shook his head. “No, I mean, like don’t women use sponges, or those weird scrunched up things? I usually just use my hands. That’s not gonna work for you, not if I’m the one doing it.”

I shuddered at the thought of his hands touching my skin. Although I felt safe with him, I didn’t want him touching me, while I had the other one all over me. I couldn’t let them combine, or it’d taint him too. I didn’t want to associate him with the other. The beast .

“Oh.”

He stood there for a moment, his eyes darting around the small room, then he nodded.

“Okay, I’ll be literally right outside the door. I have an idea.”

He stepped out of the room, but he stayed mostly where I could see him. I heard something tearing, and then he was back. He’d torn up a towel, so we had a ragged flannel sized piece to use.

“It’s not ideal, but it’ll work for now, I think?”

I nodded, struck once again by the way he seemed to care so much about my comfort, after what I’d done to him.

“Thank you.”

“I’ll get some other stuff in for you for the morning.”

I couldn’t think about tomorrow. Right now, I needed to focus on one thing at a time. Being clean was paramount.

“Okay. So… now I need to get you out of that sheet, and under the water, is that okay?”

I swallowed hard. “I don’t deserve this.”

He crouched again, staring up at me.

“Why don’t you deserve to be looked after right now? Nobody should go through what you did.”

There it was. The point I’d been making to myself since it happened.

“Why shouldn’t I? I did it to you.”

He paled slightly, and took a breath.

“It’s not the same thing. Now come on, let’s get you clean. We’ll get every fucking trace of that bastard off you.”

“He… he was inside me,” I whispered pathetically, watching his face harden with anger.

“And I regret killing him so fast, because for that he should be paying with days of pain.”

“You stopped him before he… he didn’t… finish.”

He nodded, sighing heavily. “Thank fuck for that. Doc will probably still want to test you for… uh… you know… infections.” He looked away then. “Like he did with me.”

My god. I did that to him. I felt the tears coursing down my cheeks.

“I’m so sorry. What I did was unforgivable. You should hate me. Why don’t you hate me? Why aren’t you glad this happened to me?”

He was angry again. His fist clenched on that makeshift flannel, and he glared at me.

“Who the fuck would be glad someone was raped? That’s fucked up. Look, we’ll run out of hot water if we don’t get on with this. Are you ready?”

I took a deep breath and nodded, letting him help me up onto shaky legs, from the hard surface I’d been sitting on, then he took hold of the sheet.

“You sure?”

I nodded again, letting go of the sheet I’d been clutching in a death grip ever since my fingers had started to work again. He took a breath, and eased the fabric away from me, dropping it to the floor, and then his eyes trailed over me, anger crossing his face again, before he returned his gaze to mine, and tried to smile.

“Okay… we’re going to step into the shower now, okay?” He helped me step over the edge of the shower cubicle, and then the water started to rain down on me, and I winced, as the many cuts started to burn again.

“Too hot?” He asked, his dark hair already plastered down against his head, even though he was now standing out of the water again. There really wasn’t room for us both to be under the shower at the same time. I shook my head, and he lifted the flannel, soaking it under the water.

“Ready?”

I nodded again, and then closed my eyes, waiting for the first swipe of the towel against my skin.

“Are you sure you’re not able? I feel like I’m just adding to this hell for you.” His voice was raised a little, so I’d hear it over the water.

“Please. I trust you.” And I did. I really did. As he carefully used the towel to mop at the many cuts on my skin, I tried to hide every wince, and flinch of pain, but I knew he caught every one of them.

By the time he added a little soap to the cloth, he looked like he wanted to cry, but I was already there. The tears rolled down my cheeks, mingling with the flowing water, but I knew he could see my chest heaving, as I tried to fight back the sobs.

He was gentle as he soaped and rinsed my arms, back, chest, and stomach. There was nothing sexual about the way he touched me. It was tentative. Careful. Almost clinical . He carefully tilted my head back, and gave my neck and throat the same attention, and then all that was left was my legs and… and the area that needed cleansing the most .

He crouched, and stared up at me, his eyes blinking against the water as it rained down on him.

“Think you can manage the rest?” He asked, holding up the cloth. I was already holding onto his shoulders, so that I could stay upright, so I shook my head, and watched his face fall. He didn’t want to touch me. Why would he? I was tainted by that bastard’s filthy body, and he knew it. I was disgusting to him, and if not for that, then for what I forced him into.

He just kept staring up at me, his clothes drenched and sticking to him, water dripping down his face, his eyes dark and solemn.

“Jesus… can you balance, if you rest this foot on my knee?” He asked finally, guiding me to move one foot onto him, opening myself up to him. He stared at my poor battered pussy for a moment, blinking rapidly, as my heart thudded heavily with dread.

“Tell me if this is too much, Tori. I’m only doing this because you can’t, okay?”

I nodded; my eyes firmly fixed on his. He let out a heavy breath, and reached up with the sodden cloth, brushing it over my inner thighs first, down my legs, then he came back up, and started at my abdomen and worked down.

Finally all that was left was my pussy; the area Dom had forced his way into. It was tender down there. Sore. I hadn’t been wet for him , of course I hadn’t. And he hadn’t bothered trying to add any lubrication, because he enjoyed the sensation of forcing his way in dry. He’d told me that many times, even though it risked hurting him too.

“Look at me, Tori.” Ryder had stopped touching me, and was watching me closely.

“Don’t think about it. Or him. I’m just your guy, helping you bathe before bed, okay? It’s all safe and normal.”

My guy… he called himself my guy . Was it just to try and relax me? Strangely, it helped to focus me once more on him, rather than the horror of my memories. I nodded, my hands tightening on his shoulders, as he gently bathed my pussy with the cloth in soft swipes.

“Is that… is that enough?” He asked. It wasn’t, not really. It never would be. But it helped. When I could bathe myself, I’d clean every fucking millimetre of myself. I’d scrub my skin until it glowed red.

Ryder set the cloth aside, and eased my foot back down.

“Shall we get you dry now?” I nodded, so he helped me back out of the shower, cutting off the water, and then he wrapped a huge towel around me, sitting me on the toilet lid again.

“I’ll be right there.” He pointed to the doorway, and stepped out of the room, his bare feet leaving wet footprints on the grey carpet, as he grabbed a second towel and dried his hair, before he stepped out of sight again. He was gone for mere moments, but when he returned, he’d ditched his soaked clothes, and was wearing a dry t-shirt and a pair of grey lounge pants.

“Sorry. Wet jeans are… well… they don’t wanna bend, and when they do, they uh… pinch . What am I saying? Like that’s worse than this.” He gestured to me, shaking his head at himself. I didn’t know why he kept acting like I mattered more than him, that my comfort was more important than his. He should hate me.

Once he’d helped me dry off, he helped me into a t-shirt, and pair of thick grey sweatpants.

While we’d been doing that, he’d had the bathroom door firmly closed. A light tap on the door made me jump, but he just yelled out a thank you, and carried on helping me. When I was dressed, and my hair towelled dry, he opened the door again and led me to the bedroom. The bed had been made with fresh bedding, and there was a tray waiting with a couple of mugs on it, and a pack of crackers.

He grimaced. “We weren’t sure what you might be able to eat, since that drug made you so sick, but dry crackers were the best guess.”

“Who did all this?” I asked, noting that the room was now gently lit with lamps either side of the bed.

“Prospects. It’s what they do .” He smirked at me. Prospects, as in prospective members. I’d heard of those.

He led me to the bed, and helped me under the covers, and then he walked around the bed, and sat on top of the bedding, grabbing a mug from the tray, and passing it to me.

“It’s tea. I hope it’s to your taste, but if not, I’ll call Tommy back.”

I shook my head. “I’m sure it’s fine. Thank you for this. I’m still not sure why you rescued me, or are looking after me so well, but I do understand that you’ll want some form of retribution for what I did to you. I deserve that. I’m no better than he was .” No tears spilled out. I think I’d run out of tears for now. Maybe forever.

Ryder cursed under his breath, nudging the tray closer to me, the crackers sitting waiting.

“Nobody deserves that, okay? And what happened with us, it’s completely different.”

I wrapped my hands around the mug, even though it was almost too hot to grip.

“I drugged you, and forced myself on you. It’s exactly the same.”

He stared at me for so long that I had to look away, because it was too much. Too intense. Too real.

“Tori, that was messed up, what happened with us, but it’s not the same thing. You didn’t hurt me. And… I mean… you didn’t… it’s not the same. I’m fine. Let’s just focus on you.”

I was oddly angry with him, for not accepting that I was the same damn evil as Dom. I knew it, and I could admit it now, so why wouldn’t he?

“I made you have sex with me. I didn’t give you a choice, and you had no chance to say no. You had no chance to reject me, and go for someone else. It’s… It was wrong.”

“Why the hell would I have said no? I’m actually pretty easy. Ask anyone.” He was trying to make light of things, but that just pissed me off even more.

“You didn’t choose me. You chose her; Alicia. You wanted to fuck her . Instead, you were drugged, and forced to be with me.”

He wouldn’t have said yes to me, not scarred like this. Dom had made sure that no man would ever willingly want me.

Ryder was watching me again, like he was trying to read my mind.

“Try some of the crackers. If you can keep those down, you could try the paracetamol again.”

Ryder

S he seemed to be shutting down, right in front of me. She’d gone from being open and trusting, which had stunned the hell out of me, because she really didn’t know me at all, to suddenly avoiding my eyes and she wasn’t talking anymore.

“Did I say something wrong?” I asked her, because I wanted those eyes on me again. I wanted her looking at me, and interacting with me.

She sipped her tea, shaking her head. “I’m tired. I’ve had a bad day.”

Yeah, understatement of the fucking century .

I got up, moving the crackers to the bedside cabinet for her. I grabbed a glass and filled it with water, and set that with two of the pills beside the crackers. She watched me, but didn’t speak, or move.

Finally I went back to the side of the bed, but as I started to sit down, I realised what might be wrong.

“Uh… I’ll… I should sleep on the sofa, so I’ll leave you to settle down when you’re ready.” I started to walk away, but I heard her breathing change.

“I don’t blame you,” I think she said, and I turned back to face her.

“What was that?”

Her cheeks darkened a little, and she focused on setting her empty mug aside, and sliding down into the bed.

“I said goodnight.”

“Bullshit. What was that? You don’t blame me? Blame me for what?”

I stood at the foot of the bed and watched, as she looked everywhere but at me.

“I’m giving you space, but I’m not leaving the room, Tori.”

She turned on her side, away from me.

“I didn’t say you should.”

“No, you spouted some crap about not blaming me. You blame me for what happened with him?”

She sat up, then gasped and grabbed her stomach. Fuck!

I rounded the bed in two steps, and crouched beside her.

“Sick?”

She shook her head. “Cuts.”

Oh .

“Tell me what you’re thinking, please. I know I have no right to ask, but I want to understand what you meant. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, not even you.”

Her lips quirked briefly. “Not even me, huh?”

“Tori.” I know my tone showed my frustration now.

“I said I don’t blame you, for being disgusted by me. I would be too in your position. I mean, I am. I’m… I did something awful to you, and now I’m… he’s been… and I’m a mess, and I don’t blame you for wanting to be away from me.”

What the actual fuck?

“I’m trying to give you space by being over there. I’m trying to be fucking respectful and considerate. I don’t want to scare you, or make you feel trapped. I mean, I’m a stranger to you, Tori.”

Her eyes lowered again. “I don’t want you to be away from me. I feel safer with you beside me. But I don’t want to force you, not into anything, ever again, Ryder.”

Motherfucker . I hesitated for a moment, arguing with myself over what was the right thing to do, and what I wanted to do, and then I walked around and climbed back on the bed, staying on top of the covers. I rolled onto my side to stare at her, and she slithered back down in the bed, staying on her back for a moment.

“Thank you for letting me stay here tonight,” she whispered, turning her head at last to look at me.

I nodded, keeping my mouth shut, before I said something else to screw up this tentative peace between us. Clearly I had a lot to learn about women, about this woman.

“I’ll be out of your way tomorrow,” she said next, and I smirked.

“We’ll see, darlin’.”

I saw a small frown before she relaxed again, and then she suddenly gasped. Jesus, did she hurt herself again?

“Oh my god. You killed Dom!”

I laughed with relief, wondering why the fuck she just came out with that. It was hardly fucking news to either of us.

“Uh… yeah, I know. I was there.”

She shook her head at me. “No. You killed a mafia boss , and they’ll come after you. Oh god, this is bad, this is very, very bad.”

It was cute really, how she thought we hadn’t already dealt with that issue, like Reacher would leave something that important in the wind. Maybe I wasn’t the only one with a lot to learn here.

“Darlin’, that’s so already sorted out. You don’t even need to worry.”

“You don’t understand. It’ll create a power struggle for that family, and whoever takes over might challenge others, and my god… it’s all going to implode on us.”

I wanted to put my hand over her mouth and shut her up, but I wasn’t fucking touching her unless she permitted it.

“Hey, stop that. Let me explain; Reacher has already dealt with it. He notified another prominent family, and they’ve already stepped in, taken credit, and are dealing with what’s left of his syndicate. It just put someone else in a better position, so actually we’re in favour with a mafia family right now.”

Her eyes were wide as she rolled on her side to look at me, hissing with pain as she probably pulled at some of those cuts. Really should have made that fucker suffer for longer.

“Who?”

“I think you call him daddy.”

She chewed her lip as she stared at me, her eyes still wide and shocked.

“Is there anything you don’t know?”

Yeah, a fuckload, but now’s not the time.

“Probably, but for now all you need to do is get some sleep. Tomorrow we’ll sort anything that isn’t already sorted, but you’re safe, and you need rest. I’ll stay right here, over the covers, so if you wake in the night needing anything, you can wake me.”

She swallowed hard. “I’m not ready to be held.”

Well, duh. “I know, but I’ll be here if you need me, okay?”

“I…” Her hand moved tentatively across the bed between us. “I could hold onto your hand.”

I’m fucking cool with that. I reached my own hand across toward hers, and let her be the one to take it. I could do this ‘gently, gently’ thing, because I understood a tiny fraction of what she was feeling, and I was going to be the one to help her recover. She just didn’t realise that yet.