Ryder (Phoenix MC #1)

Twenty-Three

M y dreams were full of darkness, and evil, and pain, and helplessness. I didn’t know if the drug in my system had caused this, but I couldn’t wake from them. I’d have preferred to wake up screaming each time, to find some escape from them, but I was trapped inside the hell of my own mind.

When I did finally wake, I quickly registered the male presence beside me, his breaths warming my neck, his body pressed close to mine, and that was enough to set panic burning through me, as I realised I was still there. Trapped in hell , with the monster who’d abused me, and destroyed me, over and over.

With a scream, frantic struggling, and a bone-jarring crash onto the floor, I escaped him, and then I was shuffling back across the carpet to the wall, before he spoke. He’d watched me, not moving, not speaking, until I sat against the wall, panting for air, and trying to work out where the hell I was.

“Tori? Darlin’? You gotta calm down.” His voice was low, even, calming. He lifted his head to look at me, and I could see it was Ryder. Not him .

“Breathe a little slower for me, can you do that?” He didn’t move any further. He watched me, as I tried to do what he said, and he nodded as I managed to take a few slower, deep breaths.

“Good girl, that’s better, right? Just keep doing that.”

It was helping, but something else was happening now. Now that I was awake, and aware, and trying to reduce my panic levels. Pain. So much pain. I pulled at the t-shirt I was wearing, wincing at the pulling bite of pain in several places.

“Sorry, darlin’. I didn’t think of that. You bled in the night, and it stuck to you. I’m sorry. That’s on me,” Ryder was saying, still staying completely still. I glanced down at the grey t-shirt, seeing bloody patches here and there.

I watched him as he scrubbed his hands over his face, starting to sit up as slowly as he could, like he wanted to keep me from bolting again.

“Where am I?” I asked finally, because there were big holes in my memory, and I didn’t know if they were from the weird dreams, or whatever I’d been dosed with.

Ryder turned on his bed to sit facing me, his hair sticking up at a funny angle, his eyes wide and alert.

“Do you remember us coming for you, Tori? We got you out of there, and brought you home to our clubhouse.”

The bikers. His brothers. It was coming back slowly.

“Oh. Yes… My god, I’m sorry. I was… I had a bad dream… and then you were touching me… and I didn’t know it was you.”

He groaned, dropping his head and trying to stifle a yawn.

“I’m sorry, darlin’. I tried to keep my distance, but I guess, in my sleep, I needed to be closer to you.”

He moved to the edge of the bed, easing his legs over the side, and leaned his elbows on his knees.

“Tori, I’ll say this as many times as you need to hear it. You’re safe with me. I’m not gonna hurt you, or touch you without your permission, and that goes for everyone here. Nobody is gonna do anything to you.”

“Why?” It didn’t make sense. Some of them had to know who I was. What I’d done. In the back of my mind was this voice that liked to point out now and then that I’d killed a man, while I was raping him. It was horrific. It would have been almost poetic to have died at Dom’s hands. I just knew he’d have made sure it hurt. Maybe I could still find a way to make it all stop.

“Tori, are you listening?” Ryder had clearly still been speaking while I was lost in my thoughts.

“I’m sorry.” I tried to focus on him, and saw that he looked frustrated again, and tired. Exhausted even.

“You have to stop apologising. Don’t take the blame for what he did. That’s on him, and you know what? He died for it, so let’s move on, yeah? Can I help get you up from the floor there? You’ll be more comfortable on the bed, or a chair, if uh… if that feels safer… I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here, darlin’. I’m trying to help, but I don’t know what might… I could call Has-Been, if you like?”

I shook my head vehemently. He was the big guy from yesterday, and he’d been kind and softly-spoken, but he was still too intimidating.

“No.”

Ryder leaned his chin on his hand.

“He’s safe, remember?”

I pulled at the t-shirt, trying to hold it away from me, because it had started to pinch at my skin again.

“He’s too big. Scary .”

“Well, I mean… he’s alright. He’s not all that. But look, there was a reason I kept him with us, when we found you. He… uh… he understands .”

I opened my mouth to yell at him, to tell him that nobody could possibly understand. How could some biker guy understand? The irony hit me then that I’d be yelling it at a man I’d done that to, but he was right in one sense; it wasn’t exactly the same. His body hadn’t been violated in the same kind of way, but… he said the other guy understands. Only someone who’s been there, like I’ve been there, would truly understand.

“Oh. Oh god. No, I… I don’t want anyone else in here.” My voice was almost a whisper now, and I still hadn’t agreed to moving from my spot on the floor against the wall, where I could see if anyone came in.

“Do you need the bathroom?”

I did, but I shook my head. I just didn’t want to move. Ryder grimaced then.

“You gonna mind if I go take a leak? I’ll be quick, but… you know, you’re close to the room. You might hear me.”

Somehow I giggled, and then I frowned.

“Don’t make me laugh.” He’d smiled at my laugh, but his face dropped again.

“I was actually just trying to be honest. I don’t know… like a polite reminder. You want me to take the long way around, so you can get to the bed, while I’m out of the way?”

I glanced around the room again, making sure nobody could sneak in, and then I nodded. Ryder turned and rolled off the opposite side of the bed, standing up and making his way around the bed slowly, so I could get up and be out of the way before he reached the bathroom. I pulled the covers back around me.

Ryder stopped at his dresser, and dug out a clean t-shirt, tossing it onto the bed.

“Just in case you want that bloody top off.” He disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind him, and I hurriedly shed the t-shirt, and slipped the fresh one on. The one I’d removed had dried blood in random patches, and some fresh blood too. I was still holding it when he reappeared.

“The doc could patch those up for you.”

“I don’t want anyone touching me.”

He didn’t look at all surprised, nodding slowly.

“And that’s your choice. Do you want me to get some supplies sent up, so you can patch yourself up?”

I nodded slowly, watching him walk to the door of his room, pulling it open and leaning out to speak to someone. After a brief chat, he returned, heading through the kitchen, filling the kettle on his way.

“They’re bringing some stuff up for you.”

I glanced at the door again. “Prospects?”

He nodded. “Coffee?” I let out a low moan.

“God yes, please.”

He was handing a coffee to me by the time there was a knock on the door. He retrieved the first aid supplies from whoever it was, and closed the door again.

“You okay with me letting some light in? We’re on the second floor, so nobody will see in with the curtains open.” I shrugged, and he went to the opposite side of the large space, and pulled dark curtains back, to reveal sunshine. Blue sky. Fluffy white clouds in the sky. A world full of hope and sunshine and happiness. Out there. In here, nothing but what was left of me, and my victim.

Ryder

S he was trying to pretend that she could manage, but once she got over the fear of baring her body with me in the room again, she was clearly struggling. I knew, because as much as I tried to keep my eyes averted, every hiss of pain brought them right back to her. I just couldn’t take it any longer.

“Can I help, darlin’? I promise I’ll be careful.”

Her eyes were wide when she glanced at me.

“I… there are so many. I didn’t know. I could feel pain everywhere, but I couldn’t see what he was doing.”

I clenched my fists, because yet again I wanted to revive the fucker, just to kill him again, only much slower, like over several fucking weeks.

I stood by the foot of the bed, watching as she tried to mop up blood, and place dozens of small plasters over her skin.

“I’ll be able to see better than you can,” I suggested, and finally her hands dropped.

“I can’t let you do this for me,” she whispered, her eyes closing, as her cheeks darkened with embarrassment.

“Because you think I’ll get handsy? I promise I’d never do that to you.”

She swallowed hard. “I know. I’m not worried about that. I know there’s nothing sexy about me. It’s just that you’ve done so much, and you didn’t have to do any of it. I shouldn’t be here now. I should be dead, or suffering for what I did to you, and all the others. This isn’t… I don’t deserve help. ”

“Jesus Christ, woman.” I moved around to the side of the bed, and snatched the wipes from her.

“Will you stop talking like you deserved to be attacked like this? Just let me help you.”

She was trembling, and it stopped me before I touched her again, because wouldn’t I just be making it fucking worse?

“Tori, do you want me to call the doc to do this?”

She shook her head vehemently.

“Do you want someone else in here to support you? Jesus. Let me see if one of the club girls might be here somewhere.”

I stood up again, and she grabbed my arm, letting go almost instantly. Too quickly, because like a bastard I wanted her fingers on me, wanted her touching me.

“I don’t want anyone else to see me. You’re all strangers, and it’s too much.”

She was right. Although …

“Give me a sec.”

I crossed the room to grab my phone, which I’d left on the kitchen counter.

“Yeah.”

“Uh… Tori could do with a female present. Any chance you want to stop fucking Alicia long enough to let her out of the dungeon?”

Reacher growled in response.

“Watch your mouth, asshole.”

I smirked, despite everything.

“She doesn’t want any strangers to see her, but she knows Alicia, to a degree at least.”

He cursed under his breath, and I suddenly wondered if there was a problem I hadn’t considered yet.

“Or is she not in a… uh… state to be seen?”

“Just what the fuck are you implying?” He snapped back, his words rapid and gruff.

“I’m just trying to make this easier for Tori.”

“For the woman who fucking raped you . Let’s not forget how this all started, brother. She was your attacker.”

“Yeah… that was nothing compared to what she’s been through, and you know it.”

He grumbled something under his breath, and told me to wait, then he simply hung up on me. That was helpful. Did he mean wait, because yes, I’m sending up her friend? Or was it wait, because I’m an asshole, and I can’t be bothered to give you a straight fucking answer right now? Or… was it wait, because she needs to be patched up first. Jesus, if she came up here looking no better than Tori, it might do more harm than good.

I grabbed the phone to call him back, but there was a knock at the door before I could connect the call. Glancing at Tori, who’d dragged the bedding over herself at the sound, I headed for the door, opening it just enough to stick my head out.

There was only one prospect on duty, but Reacher was standing there, with Alicia beside him. She looked unhurt, well, clean, and not half starved. I raised my eyebrows at my Pres, who just shot me a glare, and pressed his hand against the door, meaning to make me open it.

“Uh… I don’t think she needs you here too, Pres.”

His glare intensified, and every one of his bikers understood that look, didn’t we?

“Both of us, or nothing.” Fuck .

I nodded grudgingly, letting them in, but stopping them just inside the door.

“Pres, can we sit over here, and leave the ladies with some privacy?” I was pointing at the two seats by the window, specifically at my very small dining table. He shrugged, finally moving. I realised that his hand had been on Alicia the whole time, but as soon as he stepped back, she turned from us to see Tori, and gasped.

Tori sat up, and instantly broke into tears, and it killed me to hear it. I wanted to be the one comforting her, but she needed her friend right now. Assuming they even were friends, and not just associates. At the very least, it wasn’t one of us; strangers, bikers, men .

I made coffee for Reacher, and one for Alicia when he confirmed how she liked it. He knows how she takes her coffee . That said a fuckload about their relationship; as in, there was definitely something going on. I took the drink to her and backed away, leaving her with Tori sobbing in her arms, and went back to join Reacher at the table.

“Thanks,” I muttered, tearing my gaze away from the bed, and my woman.

“Yeah. It was the right thing to do.” He was also watching them, but turned away to face me.

“I suppose you’re gonna ask all kinds of intrusive questions now, aren’t you?” He said, heaving a big sigh.

I really fucking wanted to, but I shrugged, knowing I’d bristle if he turned those questions back at me.

“Not my business, Pres. Just… if she’s your old lady, you should probably tell everyone. You know, just so we know to respect her, and not wonder why she’s not in her fucking cell.”

He smirked, but he was looking at her again instead of me.

“I’m not claiming her. At least, not right now, anyway, but I’m not ruling it out, either.”

“She not into it?”

He shrugged a shoulder. “She came here a prisoner, so at this point, I don’t think she’s sure what she wants.”

“Besides your dick?”

“Watch it, asshole.” He jabbed a finger in my direction. “That’s not your business, just like you said.”

I glanced at the women again, letting a sly smirk cross my face.

“I mean, doesn’t it bother you though, that I apparently hit on her first?”

He lunged out of his seat, his fingers closing around my throat.

“You got a fucking death wish, dickhead?”

I didn’t move or try to loosen his grip, still smirking at him.

“Nah… just helping you work out how you feel, Pres. You know she’s your old lady. You just need to make it official.”

He shoved me away as he sat back down, and I cleared my throat against the phantom feeling of his fingers still wrapped around it.

“Listen asshole, stay out of shit you don’t understand, okay? Now… about the lady in your bed.”

“She’s mine,” I muttered instantly, a wave of confusion following the words. I knew she was, but it still shocked me that I felt that way.

“Uh huh… so you can trust a woman who’s ridden more unwilling cocks than you’ve had hot dinners?”

It was my turn to curse and lunge at him, but he just sat back and chuckled smugly.

“Yeah, you’re right. This is fun .”

Prick. I sat back down. “I don’t understand it, but I know she’s mine, and I’ve think I’ve known that since I realised what she’d done to me.”

“That’s even more messed up than anything I just said,” he pointed out, grimacing at the coffee I’d made for him.

“What is this shit? Did you even add the fucking coffee?”

I forgot that he preferred to drink pure sludge, so I pointed at the kitchen.

“You know where everything is, if you want to drink tar.”

He grunted, getting up and going to make another drink, and I took that time to calm myself down, and think about exactly what was going on here.

The woman in my bed had been brutalised by a cruel, evil man, and the only reason we were there to rescue her at all was because we were trying to take her prisoner ourselves. Because I’d wanted retribution, for what she’d done to me.

Had the mafia guy’s attack on her undone what happened to me? No, but did it change what I thought about that? Yes, of course. It’s one thing to be used for sex, without it actually doing you any harm, the way I was. It’s quite another to be awake, aware, and screaming for help, while someone violates your body, and tortures you.

Everything else had become unimportant, because now I had a woman to take care of, and the main thing was… I really wanted to. I wanted to be the one who coaxed her through every stage of her sorrow, and grief, and pain. I wanted to be the one she saw as a light at the end of the tunnel she was currently trapped in. I wanted to be the one she was pleased to wake up beside for the rest of her life. I wanted her to be my partner in my life. I wanted her to be mine .

By the time Reacher sat down, with a tar-coloured cup of sludge, I fixed him with a firm glare.

“I’m claiming her.”

He groaned, shaking his head slowly at me.

“So you’re just gonna forgive what she did?”

“Yes. It’s fucked up, but she’s who I want.”

He turned to watch them again. After Tori had finally calmed down, she’d allowed Alicia to help her, and they were carefully patching up the infuriatingly large number of wounds on her torso.

Alicia had positioned herself so that we couldn’t see Tori’s bare skin, and I was grateful for that, because I might have had to punch my Club President in the face if he’d seen her like that.

“When are you gonna make it official then?” Reacher asked finally, sipping his coffee and sighing with pleasure, like it didn’t taste like acrid, bitter crap.

“How the hell do you even drink that shit?”

He smirked. “Answer the question, asswipe.”

I glanced over at the women again, wondering how the hell to do any of this stuff, because she’d been through hell, and still seemed to think she deserved what had happened to her.

“As soon as she’s up to it.”

“Assuming she agrees?”

“She’ll agree. She’s safest with me. I think she realises that.”

“And if she says hell no?”

Well… I didn’t want to think about that possibility, did I?

“I guess I’ll cross that bridge if we come to it, but I’m not opposed to grovelling a lot.”

He shook his head at me, setting his coffee down.

“ You don’t need to do any fucking grovelling, brother. This is my point. You’re acting like she’s the only victim in this. You’re acting like you’re somehow responsible for what that bastard did to her, but she’s just as much of a bad guy here.”

I was worried that was going to be the only thing people would remember about her, at least for those of the club who knew. Hopefully it was still just a handful of us who knew the full story.

“That’s how you see her? Is that not gonna change? Are we not gonna be welcome here if I claim her?” My heart was thudding in my chest, at the thought of having to leave the club. It wasn’t something any of us took lightly, because it was our home.

Reacher brushed his hand over his stubbly chin.

“Brother, you know that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that you need to remember that you’re completely blameless in this entire situation. I mean, you’ve been a major pain in my ass, but you didn’t do a single thing to that woman over there. In fact, if not for you, she’d actually be dead, and maybe that’s what would have happened, if we hadn’t all mobilised, and gone to her rescue. We did that for our brother . So no, you’re not gonna be ousted from the fucking club, but she might have some serious grovelling to do, with your nearest and dearest, because some of us witnessed the fucking aftermath of what she did to you.”

I couldn’t exactly argue with him, because wasn’t he right? Didn’t he make perfectly good points, and if the situation were reversed, wouldn’t I be saying the same shit?

“She’s got a long road ahead of her.”

He nodded. “And I’m guessing we gotta relieve you of duties again for a while to look after her. You’re gonna owe Ice a whole bunch of apologies and thanks, when this is all over, because that boy has worked his ass off over this, and covering for you, and you need to make that up with him. You know you’ve been a real dick to him lately.”

I ran a hand through my hair, thinking back to my last interaction with Ice. Reacher wasn’t wrong about that either, annoying fucker. I had been a major asshole though, so I nodded at him, casting a glance at the ladies again, seeing them covering Tori up again, with the fresh t-shirt I’d given her.

“For now, all I can focus on is what Tori needs, so I appreciate being given the time to do that, Pres.”

Reacher nodded, standing up and glancing over at the women.

“Ally? You need more time here?”

Alicia glanced at Reacher, and then looked back at Tori, speaking quietly with her for a moment.

“No, we’re good. I can come back though, right?”

Reacher nodded, gesturing at Alicia to join him. She hugged Tori, and then crossed the room, stopping a foot or so away from Reacher, and I watched as they looked at each other, their eyes practically fucking devouring each other. Jesus . I could almost feel the sexual tension they were radiating.

Finally Reacher nodded, like he was responding to some unspoken question, and reached out to guide her out of the room, his hand on her shoulder.

“Thanks, Pres.” I followed them to the door, and saw him out.

When he was gone, I closed the door and leaned against it for a moment, wondering what the fuck to do next. I wasn’t good at this feelings stuff, and I still wasn’t completely sure what the hell my feelings were for this woman. I knew I needed to look after her though, so I’d just focus on that for the moment.

“Hungry?” I called out, crossing the room to the kitchen, and pulling open the fridge. Well shit, it was embarrassingly low on everything, making me wonder how the fuck I survived most days. Surely there was something here somewhere I could cook for her.

I closed the fridge door, and she was standing right fucking there. Did I jump? A little .

“Sorry, I thought you might not have heard my reply.” Her voice was low, still sounding slightly hoarse.

“Do you need anything medicine wise?” I asked her, pointing at her throat, but she shook her head.

“I mean, I’ll take the paracetamol again, but no. It’ll just take a little while to heal.”

I nodded, unable to look her in the eye after the chat I just had with Reacher. Was I really planning on claiming a woman I barely knew? And was I really planning on doing that even if it wasn’t what she wanted? Hadn’t she had enough taken from her against her fucking will already?

“Uh… I’m just desperately trying to find anything that looks like food in this place.” I started rummaging in cupboards, and stopped moving when I felt her hand on my arm. Again, she removed it pretty fast, but I could feel her touch, still lingering, even after her hand was gone.

“What?”

She sighed, pushing her short hair back out of her eyes.

“Ryder, I should get out of here. You’ve done enough. I need to go home.”

“Uh… no.” I turned back to the cupboard, digging out some pasta, and then shoving it back away again because it’s not exactly a breakfast food.

She followed me around the kitchen.

“I can go now. I’m safe, and I don’t need to hide anymore. He’s gone, and that’s thanks to you.”

I turned to stare at her, wondering if she could see the ‘what the fuck’ look that must be written all over my damn face.

“So yet again it’s wham bam, thank you, and goodbye? Wow. Way to make a man feel completely fucking used, sweetheart.”

Her face dropped, and she silently blinked at me, shock keeping her quiet.

“Fuck. That came out like I’m a pissy little bitch, eh? Sorry, Tori. I’m… I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to leave just yet, not after what happened to you. Why not let me look after you for a little while longer?”

She chewed her lip as she stared at me.

“Because you shouldn’t be the one looking after me.”

I folded my arms, leaning against the counter. How many times are we gonna have this fucking discussion?

“Who the fuck would you prefer to have doing it then? Daddy? Your boyfriend? Oh wait, he’s dead . You want the Pres’s woman? You’re gonna be fighting him for her attention, so it looks like you’re stuck with me.”

She glared right back at me, and wasn’t it hot to see a little fire back in those eyes?

“You have every right to be an asshole to me. I know I’ve more than earned it. The question is why the hell you want to try, when you’ve just let your true feelings show. You hate me, and you should. Jesus, Ryder, you really should.”

So she planned to infuriate me into letting her go? I shrugged, trying to appear more carefree than I felt, because every minute with her made me more certain that I wanted every other fucking minute she had. Nothing she could say would convince me otherwise, but as she stood there, frustrated and sassy, she wasn’t walking away. She kept saying it, but she didn’t make a move. Did she really want to leave, or was she waiting for me to push her away? It was never gonna fucking happen. Was it stupid as fuck for me to try testing that theory right now?

“Seems to me that if a person wants to help another, they’d be a real idiot to throw that away. You don’t want my help, there’s the door, sweetheart.” I turned away and started rummaging again, waiting to hear the door slam behind her, while I fucking desperately hoped it wouldn’t.

So when it didn’t, I turned back again, to find she hadn’t even moved an inch.

“So what do you want for breakfast?” I asked finally, and she shrugged, gesturing to the random stuff I’d been digging out during my search.

“Looks like you have the ingredients for pancakes. Will you at least let me cook?”

I backed away; hands held up. “You go right ahead, darlin’. I can’t cook for shit anyway.”

She smirked, and set to work, making the batter, and heating a pan.

“Is there still a poor prospect standing outside the door?” She asked, as she started cooking, and I shrugged.

“Probably.”

“Why don’t you check if he’s hungry. I made way too much batter.”

I rolled my eyes, but I checked with the prospect, Rob, who grinned like an idiot, so when she’d prepared a plate, I passed them out to him, liberally doused in syrup.

I returned to sit with Tori, and we ate our pancakes in silence. It wasn’t awkward, just quiet, almost comfortable, and surely that’s the most fucked up thing it could be.

“Alicia get you patched up okay?” I finally asked, breaking the silence. Tori’s eyes met mine for a moment, then returned to her plate.

“Yes, thank you for bringing her up here. I didn’t know she was even still alive.”

I smirked. “Don’t tell anyone I said this, but I think my Pres has a major boner for her.”

“She said he’s keeping her in his room,” Tori said quietly, confirming my suspicions.

“Sneaky bastard. I knew it.”

She glared at me. “She’s still a fucking prisoner.”

I wondered what they’d been talking about when we gave them privacy.

“Is he hurting her?” I was pretty sure he wouldn’t be, not just because I knew him and knew that wasn’t his thing, but also because he seemed at least half in love with her.

“It’s not like that. I got her into all this mess, and now I feel responsible, because she’s stuck here.”

I pushed my plate aside, and grabbed my coffee.

“She didn’t seem bothered. She seemed unharmed, well-fed and clean, and comfortable around Reacher. Around all of us actually. She’s halfway to being his old lady, trust me, she’s well looked after.”

Tori still didn’t seem convinced.

“What if that’s not what she wants?”

This woman, she just wouldn’t believe a damn word I said. Was it that hard to just fucking trust me?

“We’re not about forcing anything on anyone around here, darlin’. You might want to learn from our example .”

She pushed back from the table, a harsh glare on her face.

“This is exactly what I was saying earlier. You can’t forgive me for what I did, and you shouldn’t . So you need to let me leave, and let me look after myself, so you can get on with your life.”

I stood up too, ready to block the door if she ran for it. It was irrational, but there was no way I was letting her leave. For some reason, I just had to fucking keep her now.

“Yeah, I guess I am still pissed about it, but that doesn’t mean I want you to go, just the opposite. For some reason, I want you here with me, and you need me right now.”

“I can manage on my own,” she practically snarled, moving away from the table like she was going to bolt.

“You don’t want me touching you. Just bear that in mind, if you try to run, because I will stop you,” I warned, making her stop in her tracks.

“You said I was safe with you.”

“You are. As long as you stay here.”

I felt like some pig-headed neanderthal man, but the fact was that I couldn’t bear the thought of her being anywhere except with me.

“And why do you want me to stay here, Ryder? Hmm? Are you planning to get your revenge when I least expect it? Planning your retribution against the bitch who raped you? Are you planning to imprison me like he did? I told you it’s what I deserve, and you’re just proving that you agree with me.”

Jesus Christ. I ran a hand through my hair.

“You’re driving me insane, woman. For some reason I want to fucking look after you. I want to help you through this shit, and make you strong again. I don’t understand it, but I can’t fight it. Okay? So you just have to stay, and let me help, and I think you owe me that , don’t you?”