Ryder (Phoenix MC #1)

Twenty-Four

H is words were like knives . He definitely couldn’t forgive me for what I’d done to him, and that was the right response. He shouldn’t. Nobody should, because I was a monster, just like Dom. I’d forced myself on so many men in an attempt to reclaim my power, or some crazy messed up shit I’d convinced myself of.

And now he was talking like he wanted to help me recover from this? There was no recovering this time. In fact, the longer I thought about it, the more I realised that only one thing would help me after what I’d been through.

It hadn’t worked last time, but this time it would, because they wouldn’t be expecting it. This wasn’t some institution, where someone was watching for the danger signs. I hated doing this to him, after everything I’d already put him through, but it was my only solution to the problem. My only way out.

“Darlin’, whatever you’re planning, just calm down, okay? I’m not gonna touch you, unless you give me no other option.”

“I won’t give you a reason to. I wouldn’t want to force you into anything else.” I turned to head for the bathroom, hearing him following me.

“I’m not saying I wouldn’t willingly touch you if you wanted me to,” he blurted, and when I turned to look at him, he ran a hand through his hair and looked away.

“You don’t have to protest so hard.”

He cursed, straightening his clothes. No, wait, that’s not what he did. More specifically, he adjusted his trousers , the loose fit lounge pants he wore. Now that I’d dared to look, there was no way to miss what he was trying to conceal from my gaze.

“Hard was the wrong word to use, I guess,” I whispered, backing up another step.

Ryder groaned, holding one hand in front of him.

“Look… I’m not gonna lie here; my body reacts to you, and I don’t know why. I don’t know why, when you’re who you are, and after what happened to you. It’s a bastard thing to do, I know, but see… Jesus … am I really telling you this?” He took a breath.

“After that night… the uh… well, you know what night. Uh… I stopped being able to… uh… perform . I was beginning to think he’d never work again.”

I gasped, my hand covering my mouth. I hadn’t considered the fact that men might have issues like that after a night with me. How could I have done that to anyone? Not only did I put them through a similar hell to mine, but I affected them so deeply in the aftermath. I truly was the monster I’d come to realise I’d always been. At least ever since him .

“So uh… yeah… that first time we spoke, it was like you flipped a switch, and suddenly I was hard, so hard. I realised then that if my body wants you, then I’m going to find you, and be with you.”

I’d backed up another step, because that sounded oddly, disconcertingly, like possession. Like exactly what Dom had wanted, and had done to me.

“No,” I whispered, reaching behind me for the bathroom door.

“I’m not saying I’d expect anything from you, Tori, or that I’d try to force anything. For fuck’s sake. I’m trying to explain that you keep talking like there’s no way I’d want you, but you’re wrong. You’re all I fucking want .”

My breath caught in my throat. He was looking at me with desire. No, lust, pure animal lust , and my body wanted to react. I could feel it in the way my heart sped up, and my body tried to respond in kind. He wasn’t lying. He really wanted me.

It wasn’t possible. It shouldn’t be. It was just some weird chemical reaction, maybe some kind of sick trick his mind was playing on him. Telling him that he wanted me, because of what I’d done, like it meant he’d been complicit, and maybe even chose it.

I shook my head again, stepping back into the bathroom.

“Don’t run from me, Tori. I promise, I’m not going to hurt you. I couldn’t .”

He looked so sincere, so genuine, and all I could think was that I’d really fuck him up. If not by what I planned to do, then by being around him, and letting him keep feeding into this delusion of something real existing between us. It was nothing more than a decent guy misreading his body’s signals, because I’d messed him up.

“I need to freshen up. I just… I need space, Ryder. Can you give me that, please?” My words were almost breathless, raspy. He dropped his head for a moment, taking a breath, and I took the moment to escape, slipping into the bathroom and closing the door. A moment later he was tapping on the door.

“ Please , Ryder.” I could hear my desperation in my own voice, as he tapped again.

“I have fresh clothes for you. If you’re needing to freshen up, you’ll need clean clothes.” He was right. If that was truly why I’d come in here, that’s what I’d need. I felt another wave of guilt for lying to him in this way.

My only option was to pull the door open a crack to accept the clothes, then I shoved the door closed, and flipped the flimsy lock. I put the clothes well out of the way, and then I set to searching the room for something I could use.

Razor blades . It was always a safe bet that men would have these in their bathrooms. I was glad he wasn’t one of the overly beardy men at this clubhouse, who probably never shaved in their lives. I actually really liked his clean shaven, slightly stubbly look.

He was darkly handsome, with rich brown eyes that burned with intensity. And… and his body… If I could go there, I’d want him every minute of every damn day. Before Dom, I would have. It was what I’d been building up to. Although I’d planned to take him again, and use him, my way.

“You okay in there?” Ryder called through the door, nearly making me drop the razor blade I’d just eased carefully from the box.

“Yeah. I’ll be a little while.”

I waited a few moments, and then turned the shower on, in the hope that he’d assume I was using it. Then I stepped into the cubicle, and sat down in the corner, where the water wasn’t hitting me fully, but would wash the blood away for me. I wasn’t looking to leave a mess for him to clean up, after all. I was simply looking for a way to make it all stop.

Ryder

I hated her hiding from me like that, but she was also driving me fucking insane. I had one hell of a boner, and I couldn’t make her stay in the room with me while I was like that. In fact, I even knew a sure-fire way to get rid of it, so I wouldn’t scare her when she came back out.

I grabbed my phone, and dialled a number, waiting while it rang a few times. Come on, dickhead, answer.

“This better be good,” Ice grumbled, sounding like I’d just woken him up yet again.

Yeah, that was working just fine.

“Hey, brother. I just wanted to ring and thank you for everything you’ve done for me and Tori.”

He cursed, and I briefly felt bad for waking the poor bastard.

“Fuck’s sake. Is this your way of making sure I never get any fucking sleep?”

I lifted my phone away from my ear, and checked the time.

“It’s after ten, douchebag.”

He cursed again, and there was noise at his end of the phone, as he moved in bed.

“If you’re stroking your morning wood, don’t get off to my voice,” I muttered, getting a laugh from him for once.

“If this is your way of thanking me, you’re really shit at it.”

I wandered to the window, staring down into the yard, at the row of shiny bikes. Already I was picturing Tori on the back of mine, where she belonged.

“Yeah, I’m also sorry, brother. I’ve been an asshole since what happened, and we both know it. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

He snorted. “Wouldn’t be the first time.” I heard him running water, and realised he was making a drink. Good idea. I’d do the same.

The shower was running in the bathroom, so Tori was obviously getting as clean as she could, despite all the damn plasters dotting her skin. I tried not to think about her naked, because I was trying to keep my cock under control, after all.

“So… I guess you have lots of info on Tori, huh?”

Ice chuckled quietly. “And the reason for your call suddenly becomes evident.”

“No, I really did call to thank you, and all that crap. Although, I was also trying to get rid of a boner, and I knew your voice would help.”

“Asshole. Still, if it’s any consolation, you killed mine too .”

I smirked. I’d forgotten what it was like to just shoot the breeze with my family.

“You’re welcome.”

“So what is it you want to know about her? You know her daddy’s mafia, yeah?”

“Yeah… I guess we’re in favour with them right now, for saving her, and getting rid of those other bastards.”

He cleared his throat. “Yeah, something like that. She spent a lot of years in institutions and stuff, after the last time this bastard had hold of her though. You need to be prepared for the fact that she might not ever recover from this.”

My stomach clenched at his words, at the thought of her giving up. She couldn’t, I couldn’t lose her.

“Is there much info on her time in those places?”

“I can hack pretty much anything, brother, given time and enough drugs to keep my mind clear.” I was pretty sure the drugs did the exact opposite, but whatever.

“Do you think she might need that kind of help again?”

He was quiet for a moment, like he was thinking about his response.

“I think it’s a strong possibility, brother. She gave up. She didn’t want to live. She tried so many times to end it that they had her on suicide watch.”

My blood ran cold, and I turned to stare at the bathroom, feeling like time had slowed down. She’d been in there for way too long . The locked room she’d disappeared into, looking defeated and lost, and the shower was still running.

“Shit.”

“What?”

“FUCK!” I dropped the phone and ran for the door, rattling the handle before I stepped back and kicked the fucker, breaking the lock.

Jesus Christ. There was so much fucking blood . She was hunched in a corner of the shower cubicle, her head slumped down, and her wrists limp at her sides.

I yelled out for the prospect at the door, as I rushed to her side. The shower was shut off as I reached her, and I heard the prospect behind me. Rob… Was it Rob?

“Get the doc. Fuck! I don’t know what to do,” I barked at him, as I reached for her. She wasn’t wet enough to have actually been in the shower. It had all been a ruse . Her clothes were wet from the water soaking up from the shower floor, and there was blood everywhere.

I grabbed her wrists, trying to staunch the flow, hoping like hell that I hadn’t lost her yet.

“Jesus Christ, Tori. What did you do to yourself, darlin’? You can’t leave me. Not like this. Maybe with a brutal slap to my face, when I’m being a prick, but not like this.”

She wasn’t waking up, but she definitely hadn’t left me yet. I could hear shallow breaths, now that the water wasn’t running anymore. Someone stepped in beside me, helping me wrap towels around her wrists, trying to stem the flow of blood, and then we were lifting her out of the shower.

Doc ran into my room as we carried her from the bathroom, and he pointed to the bed. He took over instantly, directing poor Rob, the prospect, to help him with her wounds.

A hand squeezed my shoulder, and I turned to see Ice standing with me. There was blood on him. Tori’s blood .

“I’m sorry, brother. I should have realised sooner. Fucking hell.” He looked solemn, grabbing my arm to hold me back, as Doc suddenly lifted Tori into his arms, and strode from the room.

“Let him work. You know he has to have her in the infirmary where all his kit is.”

Reacher and Stitch charged into my room then.

“How bad is it?” Reacher demanded, and I just stared blankly at him. “Ryder? Snap the fuck out of it!”

Ice spoke quietly, updating them both, as I stood there in a daze. I should have realised. I should have seen how hopeless she felt. I should have made sure she couldn’t do that.

“Brother? Come on, we’ll go wait in the infirmary with her.” Ice was leading me from the room, and I just followed him, because my brain was too busy tormenting me with the image of her slumped in the shower, bleeding, over and over again, like it wanted to make sure I really fucking couldn’t ever forget it.

What if she died? What if Doc couldn’t save her? This was my fault . I’d been pushing her for a reaction, when I should have been listening to her words. Listening to what she wasn’t saying.

“I fucked up,” I muttered to Ice, as he shoved me inside the infirmary in front of him.

Doc, and two of our brothers, who sometimes helped him out in there, were crowded around Tori, working on trying to keep some of her blood still inside her.

My legs weakened, and Ice guided me back into a chair, sitting beside me.

“This isn’t your fault. Stop beating yourself up, and focus on what’s happening right now,” Ice muttered. Someone shoved a drink in my hand. A large shot of vodka. I drank it in two gulps, and cradled the glass in my hand.

“She’s gonna be okay, brother. She’s a fighter.” Stitch had crouched beside me, and he poured me another shot of vodka.

“Drink. It’ll help clear your head.” I stared at the glass. I’m sitting here drinking vodka, while she fights for her life. I clenched my hand, and considered throwing the glass. I wanted to throw everything I could get my fucking hands on.

A tight grip on my wrist distracted me.

“Calm the fuck down, brother.” Torch .

“Why the fuck did I have to hear about this from a fucking prospect?” He snarled, leaning against the wall on the other side of me.

Stitch nudged the glass in my hand, and I drank the vodka. It helped a little to sharpen my mind. We were all just sitting or standing around watching, as Doc and his two minions tried to save the woman I was falling in love with.

Did I want her for my old lady? Yeah. I didn’t have to wonder anymore. It shouldn’t have taken me so fucking long to realise it for sure, but then… she’d raped me. It wasn’t like I met her at a bar, and we had a hot session together, and… actually… fuck it. That’s exactly what it was , in a roundabout way. I picked up a chick at a bar, and I had a fucking session with this woman, and I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Any way you look at it… she was the fucking one.

I lurched up out of the seat, feeling several hands grab me at once.

“How’s she doing?” I called out to Doc, who glanced at me over his shoulder for the briefest moment.

“She’s gonna need a transfusion. Her medical records state she’s O positive, which is a fucking relief, because so are a whole bunch of you, and that’s even if I ignore the ones taking illegal substances. Torch, get Has-Been and Dodger up here. Ryder, you’re up too. The three of you are donating.” He turned to one of the prospects helping him. “You can do the blood collection. Go. We’ve got this.”

I moved straight to the bed the prospect pointed to. Nick, I think his name was.

“Uh… I’m clean, I don’t take anything,” I muttered pointlessly at him, because Doc wouldn’t have suggested me if he thought otherwise.

I barely paid any attention, as Nick drained my blood like a fucking vampire. I was too busy trying to watch what they were doing to Tori. When he pressed something against my arm, and said he was done, I blinked with surprise. It had been quicker than I’d expected, and I’d barely felt it, with my focus fully on my woman.

Torch had done his brother-fetching duty, and Has-Been and Dodger had also been seated, and were being drained of a pint too. What a fucking relief that she wasn’t some crazy rare blood type, because we’d have been screwed.

Doc had more kit than I’d realised before, having Tori hooked up to IVs, and even machines that beeped rapidly. Jesus, was that her heart? I stood up, moving closer to her.

“Give them room, Ryder.” Reacher dragged me back over to sit by Ice, who had an odd look on his face.

“I feel so fucking useless,” he muttered, as I stared at him.

“Why? I’m guessing it’s thanks to you that we even have her medical records?”

He nodded, gesturing to the others.

“But if I wasn’t such a fucking junkie, I could have given blood too.” Oh. He’d never talked about his habit like he saw it as a problem before. Was he starting to see how deep down the rabbit hole he was sinking at last?

Doc cursed, and the beeping sped up to a dangerously rapid rate. Shit!

We all stood up, and Doc started barking orders, the first of which was for all of us to get the fuck out of the infirmary. We were all ousted, the door slammed in our faces, and we stood in that hallway, staring at each other, with horror and shock on all of our faces. Reacher was speaking, and there was some response to his voice, but I didn’t hear any of it. All I could hear was that rapid beeping, which might even be inside my head now.

“Brother?” I blinked, turning to look at Reacher, and somehow we were alone in the hallway.

“She’s gonna be fine. Doc’s the best at what he does. Just give him some space to do his thing, and he’ll call us in when she’s stable.” My legs were shaking, and I would have been on my ass if not for that wall.

“I fucked up. I should have realised she’d try something like this.”

Reacher tutted at me. “How the fuck were you meant to know that?”

I closed my eyes. “How could I not see it, Pres? She was fucking raped. Cut up with a fucking knife, by a guy who did this all to her years ago, and who was planning to keep her, and keep doing it. Why the fuck wouldn’t she try?”

He leaned against the opposite wall; his arms folded.

“It’s not generally possible for us to read women’s fucking minds, Ryder. There’s no way you could have known.”

“Ice knew.”

He frowned. “Knew what?”

“That she’d tried before. Back when it all happened before. Apparently she tried multiple times. It was only when he told me that on the phone, that I realised she’d been in the shower for too fucking long. Jesus .” I stared at the door, wishing I knew what was going on back there. Was she stable? Was she alive? Had she died in there, and I just didn’t know it yet?

“Well, this isn’t on you. It’s not even on him. If she hadn’t been with you, she’d have died for sure. You saved her, twice , and she better be fucking thankful when she wakes up.”

“What about Alicia?”

His eyes narrowed dangerously at me.

“What about her?”

“Won’t she want to know?” He took a breath, cursing quietly.

“Yeah, probably. Do you want her here though?”

I shrugged. “Not exactly up to me, is it? She’s your old lady.”

Reacher growled quietly, glaring at me.

“Don’t go making assumptions when you don’t know shit. If you’re happy for her to be here, then I’ll send for her. If not, then she can bitch at me later, when she finds out. Either way, I’m cool.”

“Probably just fuck all that sass right out of her anyway, eh?”

He leaned forward and jabbed me in the chest with a thick finger.

“Watch your mouth, asshole.”

Yep, he’s definitely fucking her. Well, about time he took an old lady, right?

The door popped open, and Doc stepped out, pulling it closed behind him. Was that a good sign? It didn’t seem like it. Jesus, I felt like I couldn’t fucking breathe as I waited for him to speak.

“Okay, she’s stable, and being transfused at the moment. I’m gonna have someone watching her constantly, but you can go sit with her if you like,” Doc told me, but I was already on my way into the infirmary, heading for her bed.

Nick and Rob backed up when I approached.

“Easy, brother. We’re not doing anything untoward,” Nick said, holding his hands up.

“I know. Thanks for helping her.”

They exchanged a look. “We know she’s yours, brother.”

“I know. I don’t know why you’re backing off like that. I appreciate what you did.”

“Just want you to know that we’re not touching your old lady, brother.”

“I get it, thanks. She’s doing okay?” I didn’t like all the bandages, and tubes and stuff everywhere, but more than that, I really hated how pale and silent she was.

“She lost a lot of blood, but we’ve got transfusions running, and we’ve stopped the blood flow, or, you know, Doc did. We mostly just passed him stuff.”

“Seriously, thank you. I can’t lose her.” I kept my eyes on her, but I felt their sorrow with mine.

“Totally understand, brother. Doc’s planning on sleeping here tonight, to watch over her.”

Good. I was relieved to hear that.

“Me too. I’m not leaving her side. Not again.”

Rob looked at me. “You didn’t fail her, Ryder. You did everything you could, and she’s gonna be fine.”

Nick dragged a chair over for me, and I dropped heavily onto it, feeling exhausted.

“Thanks.”

They left the room, or I assumed they did, because once I turned my focus back to Tori, I didn’t see or hear another damn thing, eventually falling asleep at her side.