Chapter 3
I wokeup with an excruciating headache.
The minute I opened my eyes, I shut them.
I forgot to close the drapes and the sun was shining extra bright directly into my bedroom. That would have been beautiful to wake up to if I didn’t have a got damn hangover. Shit. How much did I drink? What did I drink? I ran my hands over my bed, searching for my phone. Bumped into everything but it. Where was my purse? How did I get... oh.
I remembered. I remembered everything. Suddenly, I stopped searching and just laid there with my eyes closed and thought about last night. Last night was…
Shit, last night was a lot of things. A wild ass rollercoaster ride would describe it best. My thoughts drifted. Far off. Too far off. Coasted over to the moments that led up to me calling him. But then I drifted again, decided it was best to stay on the other side of things. It was best to think more about what happened after he ‘saw me’.
Those moments were beautiful.
I stared at my ceiling and brushed a hand over my nipple. Left it there and felt it harden as I thought more about just how beautiful last night was. As crazy as it started, that’s what it was. Beautiful. It went absolutely nothing like I thought it would. Saint did what only Saint could do— made me feel. But last night was different. He made me feel in ways he’d never made me feel before. Last night wasn’t just beautiful it was… mystical.
I closed my eyes and bent my knees before turning over on my side. So got damn mystical that when I woke up in his bed alone, I had to leave. Not because I felt he had abandoned me but because last night was only mystical for that moment. Shit like that didn’t happen between us. It wouldn’t last. Today we would be greeted with reality. We were fucking chaos. The things that lead us to beauty was proof of that. That was why last night, when we spoke about sunrise, we weren’t just talking about the moment ending—we were talking about everything.
The ringing of my phone pulled me out of my thoughts. I groaned and rolled out of bed. Squinting, I followed the sound of my ringing phone. I found my purse first. It was sitting in the chair over by the balcony doors. Before I picked it up, I snatched the drapes closed. The sun wanted attention today, didn’t she? Got damn. The phone stopped ringing before I could get to it. Which ended up being a good thing because it was Sage. Seeing her name sent a whirlwind of emotions rushing through me.
I just stood there, phone in hand, staring at Sage’s name, with yesterday weighing heavy on my shoulders. All I could see was that fucking lady... standing next to the bed he laid in, rubbing his head. Soothing him. Where was she when I needed her? When I needed soothing? How come she was his emergency contact? But Sienna was mine?
I was defeated. I didn’t have any more fight left in me. I couldn’t be strong anymore. Yesterday did me the fuck in. I didn’t know what type of vendetta God had against me but whatever it was, I didn’t deserve it. It felt like I was being punished. Every time I thought I’d gotten ahead, He hit me with something else. But yesterday? Yesterday he hit me with a TKO. A blow that literally knocked the wind out of me. I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand what I’d done to deserve that.
Thatwas just downright cruel.
“Fuck!” I yelled.
My phone rang again and scared the hell out of me. I flinched so hard I almost dropped it. I brushed my hand down the back of my head with a sigh and looked down at it. This time it was Sienna. I let it ring. Right after, a text came through.
Bestie: What is NeNe talking about?
A wave of terror washed over me. Was Mahogany there last night? Another text message came through.
Bestie: You called her crying about that damn invitation?
And then another. Instead of reading it, I just hit the lock button and tossed the phone over on the bed.
Why did Mahogany have to do that? She just couldn’t keep her muthafucking mouth shut! I hated I’d let her see me weak not once but twice. Considering all of the shit she had going on with her, I shouldn’t have cared about how she saw me. But shit I did. Mahogany gave Claire Huxtable. Had the beautiful family, successful career, romance novel love life, big ass house, shit... everything. On paper, she was perfect. But in reality, her shit was fucked up. She was no Claire fucking Huxtable. She was Karrine Steffans... Marilyn Monroe... Shit, Naoki Childs. Pretending to be a Claire muthafucking Huxtable and to me, that made her worse than the three of us combined. Weak ass bitch. She loved to tell everybody business but her own, didn’t she? I couldn’t stand that bitch.
I didn’t want Sienna to worry about me. She had too much going on already. Fuck! I shouldn’t have called Mahogany tripping like that. Should’ve just waited. Damn!
I scratched at the back of my head and began to pace. Bit down on my thumbnail, and just... paced. Panicked. My thoughts got to racing. Thought of ways to rebury that ugly shit yesterday dug up... no not yesterday... yesterday didn’t dig the shit up. Sage dug it up when she said I didn’t know what the fuck sacrifice was. Tuh! Mmhmm. Yeah alright. All yesterday did was trigger me and bring the shit back up.
I flinched.
Phone rang again.
I rushed over to the bed, picked it up and screamed at the sight of Sage’s name.
“Leave me the fuck alone!” I yelled before declining the call and immediately shutting the phone off.
I knew what she wanted. She wanted to talk about me seeing them yesterday. Valerie and her husband, Mr. Bill. Wanted to talk about what happened. Fuck them. Fuck what happened. They should’ve been happy what could’ve happened, didn’t.
I paced again. Back and forth. Back and forth. I was ass naked, just… pacing back and forth. Mentally stuck in that got damn hospital room.
The speckles of gray in her shoulder-length bob told the sad story of how long it’d been since we were like that. Face-to-face. Thirteen years. Well, closer to fourteen than thirteen. I was turning thirty-two soon. I hadn’t seen her since I turned eighteen. I couldn’t get her out of my head. You’d think it would be his face gnawing at me. But, it wasn’t. It was hers. My mother.
She looked good. Too good. She didn’t wear the fourteen years it’d been since we’d last seen each other. Time hadn’t been good to him at all. I couldn’t say I was surprised. He was ten years older than her. However, time had been pretty fucking good to her. Then again, I couldn’t say I was surprised about that neither.
Every night, my momma did what I now knew to be, a very vigorous skincare regimen. She never skipped a day. She took more care of her skin than she did Sage and me.
Like damn near every black momma in the hood, she was a victim of that Avon pyramid scheme. Mmhmm. That’s exactly what Avon was—a damn pyramid scheme. She sold a little something-something... had parties and shit like that, but she used more than she sold. That Anew anti-aging shit more than anything else. I could still remember every little detail about it. That white and blue packaging stood out against the black sink it sat inside of. Just a pool of Avon Anew, Valerie’s crack. She was young when she started to use anti-aging products, too. In her twenties. She was terrified of growing old.
Anyway, Valerie was fifty-four, but she looked ten years younger. How good she looked tormented me. Made me feel like she hadn’t stressed a single fucking day thinking about me. Had she missed me at all? Had she given what I told her any thought? Did she think about me? Or had every day been as great as she looked? And... what about karma? Had that bitch swung the block for her? Had she been punished for what she allowed? For what she did to me?
It was unfair. Her happiness. His life. Everything. It was so unfair.
I shuddered at the sudden sound of my doorbell chiming.
I wasn’t sure how long I was pacing with my arms crossed over my chest and my head cocked to the side, just... sinking. I lost time. That was just how far I’d gone. Taking a deep breath, I rubbed at the dull ache in my neck and redirected my steps to the master bath for a shower, as if there weren’t someone at my door.
The minute I got into the shower, I felt myself sinking again.
“Fuck this,” I mumbled, before pushing the shower door open to yell for Alexa to play Trina’salbum Still Da Baddest on shuffle. I needed a distraction. If I was going to take a trip down memorylane it was going to be in better direction. Down a road with a lot less potholes, that was for damn sure!
I stayedin the shower until the water got cold. It felt good too. It was just what I needed because once I got out, I was refreshed and felt better. I had a couple of moments, but I didn’t ‘sink’.
After drying off, I grabbed my towel and stood at the vanity to do my skincare routine. Right before I was about to sit down, I felt a little nauseated and remembered I did have a damn hangover. Because I didn’t have anything on hand, I needed to Doordash a Vernors, Alka-Seltzer hangover relief, and something quick to put on my stomach, so I headed into my room to grab my phone.
My soul damn near jumped out of my body when I walked into my room to find Sage sitting at the foot of my bed.
“Ahh!” I yelled. She had the nerve to flinch. Ain’t that a bitch? “What the fuck are you doing here Sage? You scared the shit out of me, bitch!”
I was pissed.
Initially, terrified, but pissed immediately after.
“Sorry. I was knocking for a long time before I let myself in. I didn’t want to scare you while you were in the shower, so I just waited,” She paused and nervously giggled. “Still scared you though, huh? My bad, Kiki. I was just...” She paused and took a deep breath. “You’ve been getting my calls, right? Why haven’t you answered? I was—well, we were?—”
“I gave you the spare key for emergencies?—”
“It was an emergency,” she snapped with dipped brows. “You haven’t answered any of my calls and?—”
“Any of your calls?” I mocked with a laugh. “Girl go to hell...” Waving her off, I adjusted my towel. “You act like you’ve been calling me for days. Sage up until yesterday, I hadn’t gotten a call from you in weeks.” I looked up and locked eyes with her. “I wonder why that is.”
She crossed her arms over her chest and her brown eyes narrowed to slits. It didn’t take long for her to do what she always did; defensively turn her nose up like a bratty ass little girl. “The phone works both ways, Naoki.”
“Sage, what the fuck do you want?” I snapped, as I angrily marched by her to grab my phone off the bed.
“I told you,” She said, fidgeting with the trinkets dangling on her keychain following behind me back into the bathroom. “I was worried about you because you weren’t answering the damn phone.”
Sage was a fucking joke.
She didn’t give a damn about me. She was no better than Valerie’s ass.
I was the black sheep. It was fucked up because I was the one who’d endured and sacrificed the most. Being treated like shit by Valerie, I could handle. But Sage? That hurt a little different.
After granny died, I took care of her when Valerie couldn’t. And Val couldn’t, quite often. When she was out all night, chasing funky ass, ain’t shit ass niggas who wouldn’t help her with the light bill, it was me, making sure Sage didn’t go to sleep hungry. And on those ‘dick chasing nights’, I always looked forward to her forgetting about school the next day so I made sure to take the alarm clock to our bedroom to get us up, because her ass would be too drunk to hear it go off.
I was ten. Sage was six. I was a child taking care of a child. That was life for us. For me. And that didn’t stop. Well, for a minute it did. Not completely anyway. The way I took care of her changed shortly after Valerie came home with a man. A ‘real man’, as she called him. He paid all of the bills and made sure the refrigerator had more than enough food in it. He was her boyfriend, and we were to respect him by calling him Mr. Bill.
“Worried about me for what, Sage?” I asked as our eyes met in the mirror.
Mr. Bill was like a fucking knight in shining armor. He took us out every Saturday for ice cream at the Dairy Queen. Saturday morning, Val would wake Sage and I up at around ten, after she and Mr. Bill had already eaten before he went off for work.
Sage and I would sit at the kitchen table, all smiles, kicking our legs, eating syrupy waffles and sausage links, watching Saturday morning cartoons on the little thirteen-inch kitchen TV. Right after, we’d get dressed in matching sundresses Val picked out while we ate. It was the oddest shit, honestly. Saturdays were the only days she dressed Sage and I like twins when we were four years apart with different daddies. I was ten, dressed like my six-year-old little sister. It was a little embarrassing, but I didn’t care too much. I was just happy to finally have a ‘normal’ family like my best friend. It felt good to finally have someone to call ‘daddy’ since I never met mine. However, we couldn’t call Mr. Bill, daddy. It was actually forbidden. Valerie made that very clear. However, Sage slipped up one Saturday.
After that, Saturdays changed for us.
“I—” She paused and shifted her eyes away from the mirror before moving to the other side to avoid our reflections. “I was just worried, Kiki,” she continued, her voice low and timid.
And... just like that I felt bad.
I hated being the oldest. Hated that Sage had always been like this... this little fragile, wounded bird I had to take care of regardless of the ‘nothing’ I’d get in return for my efforts. I loved her. Loved her more than she could possibly believe. She thought I hated Dejuan and wanted her to do better because ‘I just didn’t understand marriage’ and a bunch of other bullshit that wasn’t a true reflection of the way I felt. I wasn’t bitter. I didn’t hate him because he loved her so much and I wanted it for myself.
I hated him because he abused her pure heart. Hated him because he took advantage of her innocence. She couldn’t see him sucking her dry. Couldn’t see the lies in his eyes the way that I could. I wanted the people I loved to see what I saw in them. That they deserved the rawest, truest, form of love in the world and nothing less. I wanted that for Sage. She deserved that. She was good enough. However, she wouldn’t get it until she could see herself the way I saw her.
I took a deep breath and completed my Doordash order and cracked the seal of my La Roche-Posay cleanser. “Thanks for checking on me, Sage. I appreciate it. Sorry I scared you. But I’m good, sis.” I softly said, coddling her because that’s what I did.
I wasn’t okay. But I refused to allow Sage to see me the way she thought she would see me when she got here. Broken. I could be literally dying on the inside, and I’d never let Sage see me suffer. It had nothing to do with being seen as some kind of pilar of strength but everything to do with what she would do the moment she left this fucking house. She’d tell Val I wasn’t okay and... I wasn’t okay with that. I wasn’t okay with Valerie knowing I wasn’t okay. Not after seeing her so... radiant. She didn’t deserve the satisfaction.
“Oh...” Sage said with a light smile. “Good. I’m—I’m happy. That’s... it’s good Naoki.” She exhaled and scratched at the back of her head.
“Of course,” I replied vigorously scrubbing my face.
Ugh.
There were cracks.
Not in my skin. Bitch, my skin was fucking flawless. There were cracks in my got damn mask. Pretending was harder with the shit on the surface. I was emotionally unstable. I didn’t like this. I hated it. It wouldn’t leave me alone. That... those memories. I felt them on my skin. Felt him on my skin. I just... I wanted to put them back. I wanted to bury them again. Wanted to forget but... I couldn’t and I was losing my got damn mind.
“You sure?—”
“I’m sure,” I snapped. “Do you need anything else? I have shit to do. I need you to go.”
I did. The longer she stayed, the harder she made it for me to move on. I couldn’t pacify her. Couldn’t be the big sister. I couldn’t coddle her or treat her like my ‘wounded little birdie’ because today I was the wounded little birdie. I was the one that needed to be coddled. But there was no one coming to my rescue. Not genuinely. Sage couldn’t help me if her concern was genuine anyway. She couldn’t even help her got damn self.
She squinted and pushed off the wall. “I don’t think you’re okay and I?—”
“I told you I was good, bitch. The fuck? It’s like you want something to be wrong with me. Damn!” I shouted.
She flinched and drew back. I flipped the faucet on and leaned forward to douse my face with cold water. I hated her. Loved her and hated her too. The reasons I hated her weren’t her fault, and I loved her more because of it. She was poisoned by Valerie. She was a fucking replica of that bitch. Everything about her. The way she put that bitch ass nigga on a pedestal. The way she carried herself. The sound of her voice. Everything.
She was Valerie. God knew what He was doing when He gave her a son.
After turning the water off, I grabbed one of my facial cloths and quickly covered my face to dry it. Along with a few droplets of water were tears that had managed to betray me.
“I wasn’t trying to make you mad, Kiki,” Sage whispered. “I’m just worried about you.”
I sighed again and finally took the towel from my face. Looking over at her, I shook my head. “You’re not really worried about me, Sage. You talked to that lady, and she told you about what happened. That’s what this little visit is about. Tell her I’m good. Tell her the only reason I left was because I would have killed him. And I’m too much of a bad ass bitch to be sitting in a funky ass prison cell for the rest of my life.”
Fuck.
I didn’t know what time it was, but I needed a drink. A couple of them. Shid, the whole bottle, honestly. With my eyes closed, I sucked in a deep breath, and immediately thought about the sun. That was what I needed. She was who I needed. I needed one of those sun kisses. Bad.
“How am I supposed to believe you’re good after what you just said?”
We stared for a moment before I finally looked away.
“And,” she continued. “I wish you would give me more credit, sis. I really, really do.”
She moved closer to me, and I moved further down the vanity, away from her. Sage was a hugger. I didn’t want to hug. Needed one. But didn’t want one. Not from her. I was afraid that if she touched me, the levy would break. Shit. What the fuck was happening to me? I was so got damn fragile these days. I... I just wanted her to leave.
“Give you more credit for what? What do you think you deserve credit for, really?” I asked with a condescending chuckle. “Girl. If you don’t run your ass back to mommy and?—”
“See... you?—”
“I what?” I snapped in the middle of applying toner. “I told you to leave!”
Sage crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the wall. “I’m not leaving. Not until you talk to me.”
I huffed and turned away. “You have children. I’m sure the oldest will be calling, bitching about something soon.”
From the corner of my eye, I could see her lips tighten at the little jab I took at her man-child of a ‘husband’. It was the truth though. Sage’s ass didn’t have the luxury of time to play the waiting game with me.
“You know what?” She paused and threw her hands up. “Fuck it! You say you’re good, you’re good. I don’t have time for this shit.”
With that, Sage stormed out of the bathroom, and I stayed where I was, staring into the mirror. Tears pooled in my eyes. Literally drowned them. But they didn’t fall until the front door slamming shut forced me to blink, forcing them to. Her leaving... just... giving up on me like that, got to me. Something about her leaving like that solidified just how alone I truly was. Yeah, I told her to leave. I was rude. I was nasty. I wanted her to go. But she didn’t fight for me. Not sincerely. No one ever had. I was worthless.
As worthless as he said I was.