Chapter 13
“Areyou going to go see him? Before you leave?” Sienna asked before taking a sip of her wine.
I was leaving.
I mean... leaving, leaving. Not leaving with the intentions to come back. Not leaving because I was running. I was leaving because it was time. And most of the memories I had here were traumatic as hell. I couldn’t grow here. I’d always find myself drowning, no matter how much healing I did. That was a choice I made on my own. After ending things with Chase, I went home, sat at my kitchen island and did some serious thinking. I didn’t want the house. didn’t have any family here... besides Sienna. Just... there was no reason for me to stay. So, I decided to start new someplace else. Not because I wanted to become someone else, but because I wanted a fair chance.
With the corners of my mouth turned up, I shook my head. “Nah. I think it’s best if I don’t. I mean… there is nothing left for either of us to say. I’m honestly ready to just… go. I’m sure he’s sick of my bullshit.”
It was Friday and we were having Ladies Night. On a Friday because tomorrow was Samuel’s funeral. Not the typical Ladies Night. It was just us. On purpose. We were at her house instead of mine. It was being renovated. Just updated to boost the chances of a good sell. Yeah, I decided to let it go. I got it for the wrong reasons anyway.
“Besides, I might get over there, slip and fall on some dick and decide to change my mind,” I joked.
Sienna dragged her top teeth over her bottom lip and lightly smiled. “You know what KiKi? I really don’t think you will.”
I drew back, surprised. “What?” I jokingly sang. “Sienna got faith in a bitch! Okay! Ain’t never believed me when it came to a dick I couldn’t stay off of.”
We laughed together and she shrugged. “Because with Saint, it’s not just dick.. It’s not all toxic. Besides, fuck the niggas. It’s about you. You’re different KiKi. Been different and I’m not talking about in a bad way. Saint brought something out of you. I don’t know what but... he did. The beautiful part about it is the changes you want to make aren’t for anybody but you.”
With my head slightly cocked over to the side, I smiled. Tears grew behind my eyes, and I just looked at my best friend. I mean, really looked at us, together, as a unit. We’d grown so much individually, but together, too. If there was one thing the last few months showed me it was that neither of us were going anywhere. The only thing that could separate us was death. And even then... a bitch would probably jump in the casket with her. It had always been KiKi and SiSi. She was such a huge blessing in my life. Like, God gave me her and her family when I didn’t have my own. She was truly the yin to my yang. We were literally night and day, but we worked. We’ve always worked.
“I’m going to miss you, Si,” I sadly said. “I mean... I’m really going to fucking miss you.”
She stuck her bottom lip out and reached over to hug me. I wrapped my arms around her in return. “You act like we can’t hop on planes, bitch. We got money!”
I laughed. “I know. Still.” Swiping a tear from my eye I shrugged. “I’m really about to be alone out there?—”
“I thought we were working on changing your language. You’re never alone, Ki. As long as you got me.... you’re never alone. And even then.” she paused and winked. “We’re never truly alone. Like... ever. There is always?—”
“I know, I know,” I interrupted. “I’ve been trying not to think about that. I do not want to be playing in my pussy thinking about angels watch?—”
“Alright bitch!” She quickly cut me off with a laugh. “Only you!”
“I know,” I smirked. “Seriously, though... I’m trying Si. I’m really trying. It’s hard. Sometimes I forget.”
“That’s alright. When you forget, I’ll be here to remind you,” She winked. “Changing your mindset will just take some time. That’s all,” She told me with a shrug. “Who we are... that didn’t happen overnight. We learn. You just have to unlearn and learn again.”
I nodded and tossed my head back against the couch cushion, letting it all sink in. “So basically, this is my rebirth.”
“That’s exactly what it is, boo. The rebirth.”
“Naoki 2.0,” I stated with a laugh.
“2.0! Period, bitch!” she yelled. “I can’t wait to meet her!”
I sat up and looked over at her with a smile. I couldn’t believe I was afraid of showing her ‘me’. I couldn’t believe I had made her out to be one of them. A basic bitch who only loved that ‘fun’ part of me. Sienna wasn’t that. She wasn’t like them. We had gone through so much together. Had I been paying attention, I would have realized that she had already embraced every part of me. The problem was, I hadn’t learned to embrace me.
“I can’t wait neither,” I said through a smile.
Naoki 2.0. The rebirth.
“Heyyy,”Sage sang as we embraced. “I’m still setting up. You came early as hell.”
The next day, I woke up and decided that today would be the day that I jumpstarted the rebirth. In order to become a new bitch—no... a better bitch. Better woman. I first had to pick the weeds. Couldn’t blossom into the beautiful sunflower I wanted to be with weeds in my garden.
We pulled away from the hug and I looked around for my nephew. “I know. Where is Jordan?”
She giggled and waved me off. “With his other grandma. Shit, this is an adults only party.”
I squinted and pulled my lips into my mouth to keep my emotions in check. “Oh.”
But, she wanted to bring him to Ladies Night though?
“Momma is going to be so happy to see you,” Sage said with a smile, as she busied around her house, setting up for the party. His Welcome Home party. Mr. Bill’s. William’s. The one she just had to invite me to.
“Will she?”
Sage placed her hands on her hips and gave me a look. “Duh. You know she miss you. Honestly, I’m surprised you came. I didn’t think you would. That’s why I didn’t text you the invitation.”
I leaned against the wall and watched as she moved around the house with this… urgency that really pissed me the fuck off. She cared so much about them. Cared so little about me. I just… I didn’t get it. She was hosting a Welcome Home party for him, as if…
“Oh. That’s why you didn’t text it?” I asked with a squint.
She glanced up from the table and nodded. “Yeah.”
“No other reason?”
She tossed her head back with annoyance. “I know you don’t think I didn’t send it because you’re the,” she paused and made air quotations. “Black sheep of the family. Girl, we love you.
Of course she lied. Who would own up to being a miserable, evil ass, bitch that wanted to cause misery in other people’s lives?
I didn’t think I could ever be uncomfortable with my little sister. Not like this I didn’t think I could be. I mean, we didn’t have the best relationship and the last couple of months attested to just how distant we had become but… today was very different for me. Regardless of what Sage and I had gone through, I loved her. I loved her so much but my God she was so got damn bad for me. I told Sage more than once that I didn’t want to talk about them people. That I didn’t care to hear shit about Valerie and her husband. But she kept pressing. Kept trying to force them in my life. And I just… I couldn’t take it anymore. She just had to get that invitation to me, hm? Why? What the fuck for?
“You love me?” I asked with a light laugh.
“Yes Naoki, I love?— “
“So why do you keep trying to force those people on me then? After I keep telling you I don’t want to fuck with them. It’s been how many years since I cut them out of my life? You just… you won’t stop and?— “
“Because we’re family?— “
“That man raped me!” I yelled.
She stopped setting the table and her eyes widened. “I?— “
I thought distancing myself from Valerie was all I needed to do but I was wrong. The reason the ugly shit kept coming up was because the reason was still a part of my life. The reason for everything. And she just… she just didn’t care.
She remembered. She remembered everything. And because she remembered, how little she cared hurt me. Sage was lucky. She made it out clean. Untainted. She didn’t have to carry the burden of what he did to me because I took that for her. Every single time Mr. Bill tried something with her, I took it. Refused to let my sister bear that pain. Did it from the heart because that was just who I was. But not once did I consider what that would do to me. How could I? I was ten. Ten years old.
And she treated me like this? Kept trying to force them on me... after everything I took for her? I couldn’t believe it. No, I lied. I could believe it. My granny told me a long time ago that this would happen. That one day I would give Sage everything and be left with nothing. And she was right. My God, she was right.
Back in the day, she broke granny’s favorite figurine, and I took the punishment for it. It was a porcelain black Jesus. Granny loved that damn thing. She was very convinced that Jesus was a black man with long, locs since in the Bible, Jesus was described as having hair like white wool and bronzed skin. She used to argue folks down about it too! ‘Nappy hair? Skin of bronze? Mmhmm! Jesus is a dark skin black man, baby!’
Anyway... Sage broke it. And what did I do? Try to put it back together with some cheap ass knock off Elmer’s glue we got from the dollar store. As soon as granny walked in from work that day, she noticed. You think I yelled and said Sage broke it? Nope! I took the blame. I said I did it. Granny knew I was lying but she whooped me anyway. That day, she told me she knew every single time I was taking a whooping for Sage. She didn’t like it and said she only punished me instead of her because she wanted to teach me a lesson. Told me to stop taking the blame for Sage because one day I was going to find myself fucked up, in some real trouble, while Sage’s carrying on, scot-free, having the time of her life.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it. That day and what my granny said. Somehow on top of the bullshit Sage dug up when she broke in and damn near gave me a heart attack, she dug that memory up too. Granny’s words resonated with me now more than ever. I’d had days to really sit and let what she said marinate.
Big sisters are supposed to protect... right? That’s what I did. I protected. I sacrificed and Sage... Sage said I didn’t know what the fuck sacrifice was! While she sat up with her little family, smiling, happy, having a life full of bliss while I... while I suffered in silence.
“He raped me for years, Sage. Double. He gave me double,” I cried. Paced… and cried. Went back to that room. Cried harder. Faced the ugly shit head on. Cried for ten-year-old Naoki. Cried for every year, Naoki. That pain… it never went away. I just kept burying it and whenever it tried to come up… I found a way to bury it. Found a way to run from it. But I couldn’t run anymore. I couldn’t bury it anymore. The shit was fucking killing me.
And when my momma walked in and literally saw him in bed with me, that day, I thought then that I didn’t have to say anything because she knew. Because she saw him and then she would save me. But she didn’t. She didn’t save me. My little eleven-year-old brain couldn’t process it. I thought maybe she didn’t see him? Maybe she really did think he was comforting me through a nightmare. But then I told her. At eighteen I literally told her, and she called me a liar. Said I was looking for attention. Accused me of wanting to start drama ‘with my fast ass’. By bringing up old shit. Asked me why I waited so long. Said it didn’t make any sense. Doubted me. Called me so many names.
Valerie threw me away.
Sage was there.
She heard everything. She knew about that too. But for some odd reason she kept trying to force them on me. I loved my sister. I really, truly did but if I really wanted to stop the ugly shit from coming up, I had to cut her off. I asked her several times to leave me the fuck alone about those people, but she didn’t she never did and… I couldn’t handle it anymore. I really couldn’t.
“Kiki! I’m sorry! I’m so?— “
“Don’t! Don’t touch me!” I yelled. “Just… just leave me alone Sage. Please.” I paused, as tears continued to run down my face. “I’m begging you. Please leave me alone. I’m tired. I’m so tired.”
“Okay,” Sage nodded, with tears of her own running down her face. “I’ll leave you alone. You just... you just need a little time, right? I?— “
“I shook my head. “Mm, mm. I’m done. I can’t—I have to?— “
“What do you mean you’re done? You’re done? Done with what?”
“This shit!” I yelled. “You! Them! All of it. I told you… I told you to leave me alone, but you kept,” I looked off and shook my head. “You wouldn’t leave me alone Sage. You never will. You’ll never stop fucking with me. Not when it comes to this. You just.. keep fucking pushing me, bro.”
“I’m sorry, Kiki! I said I was sorry,” she cried. “I’ll call you tomorrow and?— “
“Tomorrow I’ll have a new number. And you might as well get rid of that spare key,” I interrupted, before wiping my face with the back of my hands. “I really wish Jordan was here. I really, do.”
I turned to leave. I couldn’t believe I let her get away with so much. I mean, what the fuck was wrong with me? I let her treat me like shit. I gave Sage so much. I catered to what she needed all of the time but never, had I truly catered to what I needed. My whole life had been about them. I needed to live for me. I had to show up for me. I had to fix me. I had to love me. There was no one coming to save me.
I had to be okay with never getting an apology. I had to fix what he did. I was responsible for that. It wasn’t my fault… what happened. It wasn’t my fault. Wasn’t Sage’s fault neither. But it was my fault to fix it. My fault to heal. I had to get rid of the ‘cancer’.
“You’re just going to leave me? You… please don’t leave,” she cried, following behind me.
And there it was.
The thing I was afraid of.
That timid little bird.
Her fragility. She did it. Her voice softened and she… she did it. She played on the love I had for her. That’s what she did. I saw it. I could see clearly. That’s what Sage always did. And I let her because I fucking loved her.
No.
Not only because I loved her but because I needed her.
I didn’t have anybody. No one in my family, I didn’t. I held on to her because I wanted to hold on to a piece of me. A piece of my lineage. A piece of where I came from. I succumbed to that part of her because I was afraid she would leave me if I didn’t, and I didn’t want to be alone. But wasn’t I alone anyway? Hadn’t she left me anyway? After everything I sacrificed. Didn’t she abandon me still?
When I got in the car, I cried so hard my body shook. Thank God I had tinted windows. Thank God, she couldn’t see me. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of truly seeing me break. It wasn’t about vulnerability. She just… she didn’t deserve to see me release. That’s what today was about. Releasing.