SAINT BAPTISTE 2: the soul ties series

Chapter 14

“Thanks sis,I appreciate you coming through. That put a little sunshine in her day for sure,” I said as I embraced Sienna.

“Of course,” She said with a smile.

Samuel’s funeral ended about hours ago. The burial was a burial. He was carried by all six of his brothers. Blaise and I sat out. Not because we had animosity toward him, but because that was what Samuel wanted—to be carried to his grave by the men who carried him in life. Poetic. At least he had a heart for them muthafuckas.

Damn near the whole family had come into town. Because it was so many of us, I booked a venue for the repass. It was more like a family reunion than anything. The only person missing was Jah. Which... was expected. However, Sienna showed up with niece and nephew. For that, I was grateful. Made sure to extend love and gratitude to Jah, for allowing that to happen as soon as I seen sis ‘nem walk through the door. The smile that put on my ma’s face remined me of the one Jah walking through the door at breakfast use to give her. She had all of her grandchildren with her today, on a day that she needed them most.

“How have you been holding up? You been okay?” She sincerely asked.

My eyebrows lightly knitted. “Hell yeah, I been straight.” Laughing, I asked, “Why you ask that?”

It had been a week since Samuel passed away and in that time, I spent a lot of time reflecting. Most of it was done alone, late at night. Still hadn’t slept. Slept less now than I did before. But, I managed. Jacqueline set me up with this IV therapy company a few days ago. A tech came out and administered fluids and supplemental energy. Said she didn’t like the bags underneath my eyes. At least that was the only thing she had to complain about. I had been proficient in everything but sleep. Had to be. Had to keep busy. A lot of shit had been brought to the forefront over the past couple of months. A lot of trauma. A lot of buried memories.

I didn’t like it.

Hated reflecting. Reflecting made the grieving process difficult. I hated the nigga. I guess, in hindsight, that wasn’t too bad, huh? Shit made me understand Jahad more. Hated him because the way I was... the way I operated, it was because of him. I blamed him for everything. Not really everything. Just blamed him for losing her. I spent a lot of time in the past. Spent too much time thinking about the what if’s. Spent too much fucking time in regret.

Since the last time I saw her, I had been. I couldn’t live in the past. Couldn’t dwell on the what if’s. Couldn’t beat myself up for fumbling. I fucked up, I fucked up. Living with regret, living inside of that illusion... that shit had done nothing for me. I was grateful... hopeful too.

Sienna lightly giggled. “No reason,” she lied, straight through her teeth. “No, but I asked because... I don’t know Saint. You’ve been quiet all night. Over here in your little bubble. It’s not like you to not work a room. Even if it is full of family.”

“Damn sis,” I shook my head and threw my hands up. “I mean shit. Pops did just die.”

She stood beside me, crossed her arms over her chest and gave me a side eye I couldn’t help but laugh at. “No, that’s insensitive. I didn’t mean it like?—”

“You good, Si. I swear you good,” I said with a laugh. She was ‘bout ready to have an emotional meltdown all because she kept it a buck with me. “Facts though. You know what it is. Shit, everybody in this bitch know what it is. They know who Samuel was. The only people in here that give a fuck is Tasha and Ma. But shit it’s really just ma for real.” I nodded toward her.

She was with her grandchildren. Bebe was behind her, brushing her hair, while Jah Jr. sat in her lap. Dream was busy, talking her ear off, painting her nails with polish. Whole time, ma just sat there with a smile on her face, absent from reality. Tasha had to sit right beside her, in case she disconnected so much that she forgot she was holding nephew. Seemed like she was good in that sense though. Had a really good hold on him.

“Do you think she’s going to be okay?” Sienna softly asked.

“Would you be?” I asked.

She looked up at me and her eyes immediately filled with tears. “No. What kind of question is that, Saint?”

I didn’t say anything, just turned my attention back to my ma. “You understand then.” the both of us went silent for a few before I decided to finally ask her the question that had been gnawing at me since she walked in. “How is she?”

Sienna sighed. “She’s okay.”

“Happy?”

My heart raced with anticipation. Seeing Naoki at The Black Effect with another nigga really fucked with me. It took everything in me not to react the way I wanted to. Every single time I thought about tweakin, I saw those eyes. I said they would haunt me until the day I died. I didn’t realize they would save lives, keep me out of prison, my families legacy safe, and keep me in misery too. I guess that would sum up what it meant to be haunted by some shit though, huh?

“That’s a question you should ask her,” Sienna mumbled. “Look Saint... I might be fucking up some kind of girl code or some shit like that by telling you this but?—”

“Then don’t tell me. Stay loyal to your friend, Si. I’m good. I’ll be good,” I interrupted.

I didn’t need any information that I wasn’t supposed to have. If whatever she wanted to tell me was meant for me to hear, I would hear it. from the source. I refused to let Sienna break her loyalty with Naoki just because she thought I was down and needed my ego fed. I was good. Not good-good but in due time I would be.

Sienna pulled her lips into her mouth, smiled and nodded. “Okay, Saint.”

Her eyes did that thing again. Teared up. Usually, I’d walk away. Instead, I leaned in, hugged her and told her I appreciated her again.

“Rememberwe walked in on them niggas running the hood rat bitches from up the block?” Emu asked Jahad before passing the blunt to Blaise.

Jahad tossed his head back against the couch and laughed. “Man yeah.” He frowned. “Wild as hell. Had the whole crib stinkin. Couldn’t get the smell out for days. I was pissed.”

We cracked up laughing.

I pulled from the blunt, smirked, and looked over at Simon. “Ay cuz. Remember you fell in love with one of?—”

“Fuck you,” He interrupted with a laugh. “I didn’t fall in love with that bitch.”

Laughing, I shook my head. “Naaaah. That’s not the way I remember the story, cuzzo. Couple weeks later, this nigga came in the crib stressed.” I looked over at B, “Kind of how this nigga be ‘bout Ari when she be givin’ him the blues.”

We laughed and Blaise gave me the finger.

“Anyway, so look... Simon walk in the crib, stressed. I’m talkin... down,” I reached over and passed the blunt to him. “He say ‘Kaka’. I fucked up cuz. I don’ fell in love with...’” I paused and tilted my head to the side, with a squint. “...What was her name cuz?” I asked with a smirk.

He hung his head low and shook it. “Myeisha.”

I shook my head. “Myeisha. Been fifty years and he still remember the bitch name, but he say he ain’t fall in love. Yeah, aight.”

Whole room cracked up laughing. We were back at the crib, in the den. Always at my crib. However, tonight was different. It wasn’t about business. Just family, kicking it. My brothers and I, Emu, Simon, Nix... shit all of us. I had a crib full of muthafuckas. At least thirty of us. There were a few blunts in rotation. Bottles everywhere. Maurine was definitely going to earn her pay tomorrow.

I missed this. Felt like I was in my early twenties again. My shoulders didn’t feel as heavy. Didn’t have the weight of everything on them. For the first time in a long ass time, I felt like me again. As much as I could with that pivotal piece missing. But... a nigga was alright. My mind was clear. I was focused on the future. Trying my best to embrace what was and accept what happened. I was who I was because I was who I was. I handled her the only way I knew how to. I wasn’t wired right. Didn’t know how to lean into love. Didn’t know how to embrace what I felt. That was aight though. When I walked out of that restroom at The Black Effect, I walked out a little lighter because she knew the truth about how I felt. At least I got that up off me. At least I was able to tell her. Regardless of if she believed me or not, I told her. I spoke from the heart. Stopped running, looked her in the eyes and told her exactly what I saw when I looked at her. Told her exactly what I felt when I was with her.

Naoki was that one... always would be that one. I was sure I would never love again because that feeling... what she gave me... I refused to believe I’d find it anywhere else. I didn’t give a fuck about anything else. Would roam around this bitch the way I used to... aimlessly with no destination in mind. Fucking with the pure purpose of getting a nut off. And I was aight with that.

However, if given a second chance, with her, I would do all of the things I did wrong, right.

“Fuck all that,” Simon dismissed, waving me off. “Where the ho’s at cuzzo?” He yelled with a grin. “We grown now. I guarantee you I?—”

“I guarantee you’ll find a way to fall in love with one of them bitches too,” Emu interrupted. “The only nigga I know that fuck with several ho’s and love all of ‘em.”

We laughed and before I could say anything, Blaise opened his mouth.

“You talkin’ to this nigga bout ho’s?” He asked with raised brows. “This nigga the wrong nigga to be talkin to bout ho’s, cuz. I promise you.”

“Shut the fuck up, bitch,” I said with a laugh before turning to walk over to the wet bar to pour up another glass of Hennessey Paradise. I was off the cognac tonight. Tequila hadn’t been good to me lately. Tequila made me think too much. Tonight, I just wanted to relax and take the edge off.

“Say it ain’t so,” Simon said with a laugh. “My nigga stayed with bitches. Don’t tell me my boy fell off.”

“Oh yeah, he definitely fell, cuzzo,” Blaise laughed. “In love.”

“Love!” He yelled with raised brows. “Yeah, niggas might as well gon and get right with God. This bitch coming to an end.”

We laughed and I waved them off. “Help him out fré,” I said with a smirk, challenging Blaise. “I’m sure you got at least one you can spare nigga.”

Blaise had jokes but he had a cult of bitches and didn’t want to come up off one of them. Not even for the sake of keeping shit copacetic with his baby momma.

He smirked, tilted that bottle up to his mouth and drank from it. Didn’t say shit else. Proved me right. Silly ass nigga.

Jahad pushed up from the couch and joined me over at the bar. He gripped the neck of the bottle and poured himself a glass too. Hit me with a side eye I decided to ignore but he wouldn’t let up on me.

“Patience, fré,” he stated before recorking the bottle.

I cleared my throat and leaned against the grunge textured matte black wall behind me and tossed my head back against it. “I’ve been patient.”

“Some things require more patience, than others, baby bro,” Jahad pointed out. “We learned patience early, didn’t we?”

With my eyes locked on the massive painting on the wall in front of me, I nodded, marveling over the black and white graffiti—a true L. Johnson classic. Created specifically for me, about ten years ago. Back then she went by L. Baptiste. She ‘painted’ outside of the lines with that one. It was a true statement piece.

Taking a deep breath, I took another drink. “How many lessons were we given before we got it right, fré?”

Samuel was a man of tests. Most of them were manipulation tactics. Some, not.

“Five for me. Ten for you,” Jahad stated with a smirk before nodding toward B. “Ay! B! How many lessons were you given in patience, bro?” he yelled.

Blaise pushed away from the chest he was leaning against with a grin. “Fuck you.”

“How many, nigga?” I asked before tossing my arm over Jah’s shoulder. “I know you remember. You might suck at patience but numbers? Numbers you’re good?—”

“Twenty-seven, bitch,” he said with a laugh.

“And how many did you pass?” Jahad asked, feigning ignorance.

Again, Blaise smirked. Out of the three of us, he had never been good at patience. “Zero. Samuel left that lesson up to God.”

Again, the room erupted in laughter. Tonight was a good ass night.

Hours later,I was where I’d wanted to be all night. In bed, hands cupped behind my head, eyes to the ceiling on my way to my favorite place to be. That illusion. My house was quiet and empty. The family left around twelve. Simon wanted to hit Vault. I wanted to stay here. Would rather do this than to do that. Vault was work for me anyway. I could enjoy myself there, but not for real. Not as much as I would enjoy myself in this illusion.

I kept this part of my day private.

Not because I was ashamed but because much like the way I felt about her, niggas wouldn’t understand. They’d look at me, laid out, thinking about the woman I lost, and think I was sad. I wasn’t. I was grateful and comfortable. Comfortable because as bad as I wanted something more, this illusion hadn’t been tainted. Not even the few times she rejected me had ruined this. Had she accepted me, too early, it would have been. Had we stepped back into that shit, without addressing the problems, and carried on as if nothing happened, I would have ruined it.

I was grateful for the rejection. As fucking crazy as that might’ve sounded, I was. I could come here whenever I wanted. Didn’t have to live with the regret of ruining this.

Right before I could settle in... before I could get to the moment she opened up for me and let me stay, the notification for my security system went off, alerting me of activity at the gate. I ignored it. The only thing it ever was at this hour, unannounced, was a deer or some wild shit like that. However, the buzzer was pressed, forcing me to shift my eyes over to my phone. I grabbed it from the nightstand and hit the notification. Thought I was losing my shit for real when I noticed her, leaning out of the window to hit it for a second time.

I instantly sat up, and hit the unlock button, letting her through.

Less than a minute later, I was outside on the pavement, waiting. Think she could tell how excited I was to see her? Nah. Hell nah. Probably not. I brushed my hand over the top of my head and walked over to greet her at her car.

She got out and immediately stated to apologize about shit that didn’t matter.

“Do you have company? I should have called first I?—”

“You didn’t need to call,” I interrupted. “Company? I do now.”

She pulled her lips into her mouth and nodded. “Hi.”

I lightly chuckled. “Wassup, cheri?”

Without notice, she immediately wrapped her arms around me, and caught me off guard. Kept me stuck a little. Took a couple of seconds for me to settle, with her in my arms...because She wanted to be there. Not because I’d forced her to be.

It didn’t take long for that scent to ignite my senses. Decided not to read too much into it though. Couldn’t assume that just because she had it on, that she connected the scent with me. Maybe it was her favorite too. But then again... maybe it was what I thought. Shit. I was just that out of my body about shorty. Felt like a little ass kid. Had never in my life experienced anything like this before. Accepting what I felt. I mean... leaning all the way in it, without the reservations of looking like a bitch. Fuck it. If expressing what I felt made me a bitch... I’d be a bitch. I didn’t give a fuck about any of that shit. That’s not what I felt like though. Not at all.

If I could put the feeling into the perfect set of words, I would describe it as running through the field as a young nigga around six, during recess, without a care in the world. Excited, with that freedom to just be. Didn’t have to worry about shit. There, I didn’t have to worry about my smile being too wide.

School was freedom.

Coasting was freedom.

Let a nigga coast.

“I’ve wanted to do that for days,” she said through a deep breath. “Since Sienna told me, all I could think about was doing this.”

Condolences. She pulled up on me to offer condolences.

Could have complained about it not being what I would have loved for it to be. Realization. A revelation. Time. But it wasn’t that. So, it wasn’t that. In the back of my mind, I heard Jah. Heard his short speech about some shit requiring more patience than others. I wanted to believe that was true. But, as time continued to pass without what I needed, the more I began to believe that a nigga would have to settle. Not for anyone else. But for that illusion. Would rather do that for the rest of my life than to settle with a bitch.

Shit was smooth there. Shit was perfect there.

She pulled away from the hug, and I nodded. “’Preciate you driving all the way out here to hug me at one o’clock in the morning, shorty. It couldn’t wait ‘til morning?”

The only problem I had was her driving out here after midnight. We didn’t live next door to one another. The drive from her place to mine was a good twenty-five, thirty minutes. Didn’t give a fuck about not getting a courtesy call. She didn’t need to give me one of those. I understood why she thought she needed to. But... there was a shift and the shit I used to care about... stopped caring about most of it a while ago.

She sucked her teeth and playfully rolled her eyes. “I didn’t drive all the way out here at one in the morning just to give you a hug. And... no, it couldn’t wait until the morning.” Her face softened and something in her eyes changed. “Can we talk? If you were getting ready to go to bed, I can leave. I mean... I know you probably don’t even have time for?—”

“We can talk, Naoki,” I interrupted before grabbing her hand to lead her into the house.

Five minutes later, we were in the living room. We were seated on the sectional, in the very spot I ate her pussy in the last time she was here. Tried not to think about it... but I couldn’t help it. Even fully clothed in pajamas and fluffy house shoes, she was appetizing. She was right beside me. I wondered if it’d crossed her mind, too.

The thing she wanted to talk about, she had yet to mention. I didn’t push her. Just sat beside her, waiting. Didn’t watch her. Couldn’t. Whatever she wanted, was heavy. I wanted to give her space to be free and vulnerable. And me, with my eyes on her, always made her go scrabbling for them walls. Well, not always. Mostly. However, tonight didn’t feel like a night that she’d let me in. So, I stayed out.

Fridayy, When It Comes to You, played at a low level from the speakers. Couldn’t imagine sitting in silence again. The last time we did that, the silence was suffocating. At least now, we had a lil’ background noise to fill the space.

“How’ve you been, Oki?” I asked, deciding to be the one to break the ice.

Whatever prompted her to drive twenty-five minutes at one o’clock in the morning wasn’t easy for her to talk about. I could feel the hesitation radiating off her skin.

Finally she turned to face me. “Miserable.”

Our eyes met and I said, “Humph... You too, huh, amou?”

She nodded. “Mmhmm,” she mumbled.

Resistance was thick and heavy in the air. Between the both of us. It didn’t take long for either of us to give into it though. She surrendered to that vulnerability and cried, and I gave into the urge I had to grab her since we sat down. Pulled her into my arms and held her. The same way I’d held her every chance I got since Pandora’s. In a way that said I didn’t want to let go. I wondered if she knew. Wondered if she could feel just how much I didn’t want to let go. If she knew... if she could translate it through the way I held her, then she had to know... and if she knew, she understood just how hard it had been for me to let her be.

For me to give her time and space. For me to leave her in that fuckin’ building with another nigga. For me to allow time to do what I needed time to do. Bring her back to me. The right way. When what I really could’ve done was the opposite. Could’ve used the power I knew I had over her. Even with her resistance, I knew what I was capable of. I could break down walls and force her out of boxes. I could see her.

There was a period during this time where I knew I could control her. A brief moment in time where I knew I could get exactly what I desired from her. We were at Jahad’s. We were staring into each other’s eyes, and something happened to time. It slipped and we both got lost inside of each other’s eyes. It was in that moment that I knew, I could have had her the way I needed her but... I didn’t take advantage of it. Couldn’t.

I didn’t want to control Naoki. I just... I wanted to love her. Correctly. Wanted her to be open to receiving it. Needed her to see me the way I could see her. But in order for her to see me... she had to first see herself. And that would take time.

“Have we given it enough time?” I asked. Painfully.

Hurt to ask because I’d just asked her the same question less than a week ago. And in the pit of my soul, I knew nothing about her answer had changed.

She looked up at me and the answer did somersaults in her eyes.