5. Elliot
ELLIOT
“Fuck,” I groan, rolling over and opening my eyes, wishing that it was all a bad dream.
But it wasn’t.
Abigail didn’t return to school yesterday like I hoped she would.
The girls are worried. Hell, even the guys are worried.
Tally watched me with accusatory eyes. She might not have the details, but she knows I did something.
Something bad.
Something to send Abigail into hiding.
I shouldn’t be here, in her dorm room. In her bed. It’s probably the worst possible place for me to be for a number of reasons, but I can’t stand going back to my room at the Chapel.
I know where she is.
Every night I’ve sat out the front of her house and watched.Waiting.
There’s been no movement, no evidence of life inside, but I know she’s there hiding.
Locking herself away from the world. From me.
It’s only what I deserve, I know that.But it doesn’t make it any easier to swallow.
It’s that knowledge that makes me stop me from walking up to the front door and knocking until she has no choice but to let me in, to talk to me.
I’m trying to do the right thing. To give her space. Time.
But I fear no amount will ever be enough.
And it shouldn’t be.
She shouldn’t forgive me for this.
I told her I would hurt her.
And I have.
I warned her that my family would destroy us.
And they have.
Pushing myself so I’m sitting in the middle of the bed, I stare around the generously sized dorm room around me.
I’ve cleaned it within an inch of its life in the past twenty-four hours. The scent of bleach is thick in the air, and everything that Abigail owns now has a home. Her desk is meticulously organised. Everything is placed just so. The photos on the shelf above are all aligned at the correct angles.But while it might make me feel a little more settled, it doesn’t help.
Not really.
I’d take her forgiveness a million times over this tidy room.
It’s bullshit.
I knew it was before. My need for cleanliness and order is just a way to try and keep some kind of semblance of control over my life.But it’s a pretence, a mask, just like the one I’m forced to walk around wearing every day of my goddamn life.
Lifting the duvet to my face, I inhale a hit of Abigail’s scent.
I’m being a pussy. I know I am. But it’s like I fell into a black pit on Wednesday night and now it’s impossible to pull myself out of it.
I’ll give myself the weekend. Two more days before I pull my head out of my arse and sort my shit out.
I don’t have time to be mourning the loss of a girl who could never be mine.
I’ve got exams. Family commitments.A fucked-up future laid out before me.
I don’t have time for a girl.
I don’t need a girl.
Maybe not, but… you fucking want her though, don’t you?
Throwing the duvet from my body, I swing my legs off the edge and pad through to her bathroom.The second I step inside, all I can see is her curled up on the floor with blood running down her thigh.
My heart begins to race as I think about what she might be doing inside that big house all alone.
Has she done it again?
Is she cutting herself because of me?
Or worse… Is that why I never see any movement?
My hands tremble as I reach for the toothbrush I found in the cupboard and made mine.If she’s done something stupid because of me, I’ll never forgive myself.
My skin prickles with self-hatred.
Elliot Eaton, never quite good enough.
A failure at being a son. A best friend. A… boyfriend.
Reaching into the shower, I turn it as hot as it’ll go, shove my boxers from my legs, and step inside, letting the burn feed the darkness that is beginning to consume me.
It’s been a long time since I let it control me, and I have every intention of fighting it. But every now and then, it’s comforting to let the old friend come and play.
It’s like scratching a rash. For those few seconds, it’s fucking bliss. But then, when it’s over, it only leaves more pain in its wake.
I stand there until my skin glows red from the heat and the worst of my demons have been washed away.
For now, at least.
Wrapping Abigail’s towel around my waist, I walk back into her bedroom to find my phone vibrating across her bedside table.Hope erupts within me that it might be her, that she might want to talk about what happened.
It’s wishful thinking, but I can’t help it.
Sadly, though, when I get there, I find that it’s Reese.
Knowing he won’t let it drop until I answer, I swipe the screen.“Where the fuck are you?” he barks.
I look around the room I’m in the middle of. “Uh… Out,” I mutter, unwilling to explain where I really am and how pathetic I’ve become.
“I fucking know that. You’ve been out since Wednesday night.”
“I’ve got shit going on,” I say quietly, na?vely hoping it’ll be enough to put an end to his questions.
“Yeah, like meeting me in the gym twenty minutes ago. I swear to God, man. Her pussy better be fucking gold-plated or some shit.”
“Because you’ve never forgotten our plans because of Liv,” I counter.
“So there is a girl.” He’s smug as fuck and I can picture his accomplished smirk from here.
“No there isn’t a fucking girl.”
“Making the most of Lauren, then. She’s hot. I wouldn’t blame you if?—”
“I’m not fucking Lauren. I’m not fucking anyone.”
“That’s your problem, right there. All work and no play makes Elliot Eaton a real miserable fucker.”
“Did you actually want something?” I ask, getting bored of his teasing.
“Yeah, to work out with my mate like we’d planned. It’s Saturday fucking morning. You can’t have any better offers if you’re not fucking anyone.”
I sigh. “Fine. Fine. I’ll be there in ten.”
I hang up before he can say anything else and look at my rucksack sitting by Abigail’s desk chair.
As if it’s not pathetic enough that I’m here, I even packed for a few days.
Maybe Dad is right. Maybe I’m not good enough for the life I was born into.
I’m not like him and Scott. I’m not cold and ruthless.
I care.
I care too fucking much.
I always have.
With my heart aching, I pull on a pair of sweats, a t-shirt and then a zip-up hoodie.
Making sure everything is clean and tidy, I leave Abigail’s dorm with my hood up, attempting to hide from the world.
The second I step outside, the sound of the birds singing hits my ears, and the warmth of the spring warms my skin, but it does little to lighten the darkness festering within me.
Keeping my head down in the hope it makes people second-guess attempting to talk to me, I make a beeline for the gym.
Reese is right. This is our time. The four of us have exclusive access every Saturday morning. It’s a tradition that’s gone back through the generations, just like us being allowed to shower first, and alone, after practice.
If any of the other sports teams at All Hallows’ want to come and train, they have to wait.
I can’t lie. It’s pretty sweet. Although, I’m not sure it’s worth it.
I’d happily hand it over to lose the other bullshit and pressure that comes with being an Eaton heir.
Pulling the heavy door open, I march through towards the gym. The sound of heavy footsteps pounding the treadmill fill the air.I find Reese there, his AirPods in, as he runs as if he’s trying to escape the devil, totally oblivious to my arrival.
Letting the door close behind me, I look around for something to greet him with.
An empty water bottle sits on the floor beside the bin, it makes my eye twitch, but it serves a purpose.Picking it up, I launch it across the room.It hits its mark and bounces off the side of Reese’s head.
“Ow, what the fuck?” he barks before he loses his footing and shoots off the end of the belt.
Watching him flail around like a baby giraffe is exactly what I need, and I double over laughing as he battles to right himself.
“You’re a fucking cunt,” he bellows as he finally gets his feet on the floor and pushes to stand.
Twisting his arm around at a funny angle, he stares down at his grazed elbow.
“Aw, poor baby. Have you got a boo-boo?” I tease.
“The fuck, bro?” he barks, finally looking up at me.
I shrug. “Sorry, couldn’t resist.”
“That’s not what I mean. Your face.”
I turn towards the wall of mirrors. “What’s wrong with my face?”
“I’ve never seen you look so…
“So?” I prompt when he can’t find the word.
“Miserable.”
“Gee, thanks. I’m really fucking glad I came.”
“Shit. I didn’t mean it like that,” he says scrubbing his hand down his face, regret flickering through his eyes. “It’s just… Shit, Elliot.”
Grabbing his drink bottle, he lowers his arse to his now stationary treadmill and takes a drink.“Sit,” he demands, jerking his head towards the machine next to him.
“I thought we were working out,” I counter, nerves beginning to assault me.
I shouldn’t have come here. I should have known that he’d take one look at me and immediately know I was drowning.
“Yeah, we will. After you’ve talked.”
“I don’t want to talk, Reese.”
“No, I don’t either really, if I’m being honest. But I’m pushing that aside in favour of being a good mate. I don’t care what it is, what you’ve done, or haven’t done. It’s fucking eating you from the inside out. Spill it.”
Falling down onto the treadmill, I drop my head into my hands and close my eyes. The sight of Abigail standing at the end of our table utterly devastated appears as clear as fucking day in my head and it takes everything I have not to claw my own eyes out in an attempt to make it go away.
“I’ve fucked it all up,” I confess quietly.
“Well, yeah. I kinda figured as much.”
He falls silent, refusing to fill the void and forcing me to do it.
“Abigail and I… We…” I don’t need to look over to know he’s smirking.“We kinda started something. But then Scott found out and—” I scrub my hands down my face. “Fuck. I hurt her so bad, Reese. I don’t know what to do to make it better.”
“Have you tried… I don’t know, apologising?”
“Smart-arse,” I mutter. “She won’t see me even if I tried.”
“You haven’t tried?”
“She’s locked herself away in her house. She doesn’t want to see me.”
“Are you sure about that? She might be waiting for you to fight for her?”
“I can’t, Reese. Fuck,” I bark, jumping to my feet so I can start pacing.
I’m too fucking restless to sit still and have a heart-to-heart.
“We didn’t even make a week before my family steamrolled in and fucked it up. It’ll only happen again. They won’t accept her.”
“And you care more about their opinions than you do her?”
“No. Fuck, not a chance. She’s—” I cut myself off and look at him.
His expression is sympathetic and hopeful. I want to wipe both clean off.
“She’s what, Elliot?”
Everything. Incredible.
The one…
The words taunt me but I shove them out as I rasp, “Too good for me and my bullshit.”
“You’re too good for this bullshit, Elliot. Don’t you see that? You’re letting them pull your puppet strings and you’re fucking miserable. You can’t continue like this. It wasn’t until I saw you smile at her that I realised how fucking miserable you’ve been these past few years.”
“What the fuck am I meant to do about it, Reese?” My expression crumples. “My old man has a plan. There is no wavering. He”ll disown me if I go against him.”
He raises a brow and says five little words that punch me in the gut.
“Maybe you should let him.”