15. Oz
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
OZ
For a chronic people pleaser, Oz wasn’t the best caregiver. He wondered if those things normally went hand in hand and he was just shit at life or if he was like everyone else. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
But with Ridge, it was the first time he really wanted to try with someone. He woke from his sex-induced half coma what felt like hours later, though the clock only read half past eleven. Ridge was still holding him too, reading something on his phone.
Oz took long, indulgent moments to enjoy the feeling of Ridge’s broad chest against his own. He breathed him in, and when Ridge twitched, letting him know he was aware Oz was awake now, he rubbed his face against his hairy chest.
He felt the rumble of the man’s laughter, and eventually, he pulled back. ‘Hi.’
‘Hi,’ Ridge signed back.
Oz felt soft all over. He still hadn’t processed what had happened or how that orgasm had made him feel. All he knew was that he felt tired and more comfortable than he had ever been in his entire life. And he had the sudden urge to reach up and touch the stubble on Ridge’s cheeks and feel how rough it was against the pads of his fingers.
Fuck it , he thought. Why not . The man had been practically wrist-deep inside him. What was a little jaw stroking after that?
Ridge closed his eyes at the first touch, and Oz felt the rumble in his chest. A moan? He pressed two fingers against Ridge’s throat and met his gaze. He felt another rumble against his hands, and then Ridge laughed.
‘You’re so gorgeous.’ He said it aloud. Oz could feel his voice, and he could read it off his lips too. And as much as he liked to disparage his lipreading skills, he knew he hadn’t gotten that one wrong.
Ridge was looking at him like he was someone important, something precious, something to be treasured. Not like a man he was fucking for fun. His heart skipped a few beats as he pushed up off Ridge’s chest. It was too much to process right then.
‘Did you sleep?’ he asked, shying away from his own thoughts.
Ridge seized his right hand and kissed his palm like he’d done before. Oz shuddered as warmth raced up his arm.
‘No,’ Ridge signed. ‘I was planning to be up all night, so I’m trying not to mess with my schedule. But if you want to go back to sleep, I can put my phone away so it doesn’t disturb you.’
Oz shook his head, then held up his finger and twisted his body so he could climb off the bed. His limbs ached in the best way. His back was like warm butter from the way Ridge had worked him over, and even his ass—which was a little tender—didn’t hurt the way he thought it would.
He glanced behind him as he headed to the bathroom, then shut the door and let out a soft breath. He did everything in his power not to make a sound as he flipped open the toilet lid and had a piss. He didn’t want Ridge to think he was freaking out—even though he was. A little.
He hadn’t doubted he was going to enjoy that with a man. He’d played a little with himself more than once while watching porn, and he knew he liked it. He’d never been brave enough to put anything in his ass, but he’d stroked his prostate from behind his balls, and that had gotten him to come harder than being inside someone.
So he wasn’t shocked at all that Ridge had all but given him a glimpse of God with his fingers.
He wanted more. Not now—not tonight. He was too overwhelmed with everything to take another round like that. But he was feeling more than reluctant to give all this up. And more than that, he was coming to terms with the fact he was falling for Ridge. There was no saving him from that fate now.
He knew he needed to tell him. Keeping him in the dark wasn’t fair. He just wanted a little more time before his words scared the man off.
Washing his hands, he splashed water on his face, then dried off and headed back for the bed. Sweeping past the nightstand, he grabbed his processors. For the first time in a long, long time, he was in the mood to hear.
He liked the sound of Ridge’s soft rumble. It was gentler on him than a lot of sounds. The way Ridge spoke gave Oz an understanding of why some hearing people liked to fall asleep to ASMR.
‘You don’t have to,’ Ridge said, tapping his arm.
Oz smiled and shook his head. ‘I know. I feel like it.’
Ridge didn’t attempt to stop him. He also didn’t look grateful, which Oz appreciated. He simply nodded and shifted himself over to make more room for Oz to sit. It was…nice. No, it was more than nice. He loved being praised, but there was something about Ridge not giving him those words for choosing to put his processors on that made all the difference.
Even though they weren’t together, Ridge took him exactly as he was—exactly how Oz chose to be.
No one had ever done that for him before.
He wrapped his arms around his middle as he sat, feeling a little like the dark edges in his head were trying to engulf him.
“Do you want me to talk, or should I keep signing?” Ridge asked.
“I’d like to hear your voice right now,” Oz told him. He leaned his head back against the headboard and reached out, tracing a touch around Ridge’s lips. “Is that okay?”
“Always. Whatever you want,” Ridge told him, his lips moving against the pad of Oz’s finger. He kissed it, then drew his arm down so Oz was touching the side of his neck. “Do you want to talk about tonight?”
“The sex?” Oz asked, loving the way Ridge’s ears went red. “Or the other stuff.”
“Either. I came over so you’d have an ear. I could tell Grady upset you.”
“He didn’t upset me,” Oz said. “He’s kind of…a conduit of that pain, which isn’t really fair to him. He said he didn’t know anything about my childhood.”
“Do you believe him?” Ridge asked. “I mean, he’s been with your sister for what?”
“Over a decade,” Oz said. “They met when I was sixteen. She was in her sophomore year of college. He came to a few family get-togethers, and we spoke—obviously, I didn’t know ASL at that point. He never asked me about it, but she probably told him I was sensitive or some bullshit like that.”
Ridge frowned. “What do you mean?”
Oz closed his eyes with his deep breath. He’d forgotten that while Ridge knew Grady had been lied to, he didn’t know the extent. “My sister told him she would only marry a man who could sign because she cared about me. He didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to learn.”
“Christ,” Ridge said.
Oz let out a rough laugh as he opened his eyes again. “I wonder how often she used me for pity, you know? For some inspirational bullshit trying to make it seem like she’s been taking care of her poor little Deaf brother all these years. God, she’s probably lied so many times she started to believe her own bullshit.”
“She’s not that delusional yet,” Ridge said. “I saw the way she was smiling at the party. She knew what she was doing. She was enjoying it. That’s why Grady started sleeping in the guest room.”
Oz’s stomach hurt. He curled into himself a little more. “I don’t know how it got so bad. I don’t know why I let it. My friends have been telling me for years, you know? Like, even the people who didn’t grow up with sign didn’t grow up like this. They had parents who took bad advice.”
But not his. No. It was like they were punishing him for being born different than they were.
He startled when he felt Ridge touch the side of his neck, but he didn’t pull away. Instead, he went loose and let Ridge tug him into an embrace. It felt nice to settle against his chest again, to feel his strong, rough fingers draw lines up and down his arms. He was still naked, but he didn’t feel vulnerable.
“I can find a different place for him to stay if you want me to,” Ridge said after a long while.
Oz tilted his head up and frowned. “What? Why? He didn’t do anything wrong.” Grady was the only one who’d done anything right.
“I know he didn’t, and it’s not to punish him. But you’re my friend and my fake boyfriend,” Ridge added. It made Oz smile as much as it hurt because fuck, he wanted this to be real so badly. “My job is to take care of you, and if seeing him opens all those wounds, I can arrange for him to be elsewhere for a while.”
Something about the way he said that told him there was more to what Ridge was saying. He was hiding something. He pulled back and stared at him. “What aren’t you telling me?”
Ridge bit his lip and looked down. Guilt was written all over him.
“Ridge.”
“If it’s all the same, I’d rather not right now.”
Oz couldn’t take this shit anymore. He couldn’t take more lies and more secrets. He couldn’t take being dicked around and treated like a child. He jumped off the bed and took a single step away before Ridge caught his wrist and held tight.
“Wait.”
He froze. Fuck, it was too easy to obey his commands.
“I didn’t want to tell you because you’ve already been through enough, and I didn’t want to add to your overflowing plate.”
Ah. Right. The breakup. It had to be that because what the fuck else could Ridge possibly have to say. Okay. He could do it. He could take it. He’d been given this time as a gift, and he wasn’t going to spit in Ridge’s face for it.
He could give Ridge the grace he was currently denying himself.
“You don’t have to be weird about it,” Oz said, removing his wrist from Ridge’s hand. He took another step backward, and now he really did wish he had clothes on. “This thing between us wasn’t real, and that’s fine. You don’t need to try and spare my feelings because you want to stop it. I shouldn’t have dragged you into it to begin with. Give me a second to get dressed, and then you can head out.”
“Oz, I?—”
He couldn’t bear to hear more. Saying all that was hard enough. He yanked his processors off and stuck them on the table, then snagged his clothes from the floor before hurrying out of the room. He swore he felt footsteps behind him, but when he closed the guest bathroom door after darting inside, the vibrations stopped.
He waited a breath. He held a tiny flicker of hope that Ridge was going to follow him—that he’d burst into the bathroom and kiss Oz silly and tell him that he was wrong. That Ridge was in love with him and this was what he wanted.
But there was only silence and stillness on the other side of the door.
He almost laughed. Then he almost cried. In the end, he simply got dressed, then washed his hands again in hopes of erasing the lingering smell of Ridge from his skin. Maybe, if he was very, very lucky, he’d come out of the bathroom, and Ridge would be gone.
He could figure out his car later. He could get an Uber or text Myles for a ride. Anything was better than facing Ridge right now. He needed time to compose himself and not look like some heartbroken fool.
He took a breath and opened the door and froze. Ridge was standing there, and his face looked devastated. He swallowed heavily, then lifted his hand and signed Oz’s name.
His heart felt like it was being ripped out of his chest, which was so absurd. They weren’t dating. They’d slept together twice, and tonight, Ridge hadn’t even come. This was not love. This was absolutely and totally not love.
‘I made a mistake.’
Yes. Yes, all of this was one giant mistake.
‘I didn’t mean to patronize you,’ Ridge told him with a mix of signs and fingerspelling. His spelling was sloppy from his stiff, shaking hand. ‘You deserve better than that. I know you’ve been through too much. But I didn’t want you to feel obligated.’
His heart was beating a little too fast again. ‘Obligated to what?’
Ridge’s mouth curved up into a sad smile. ‘Care about me the way I care about you.’
For a moment, Oz was sure the universe had switched. Up was down, left was right, backward was forward. He could not be reading those signs right.
Ridge didn’t wait for him to answer. ‘I can tell you’ve spent your whole life doing what you can to make other people happy without worrying about yourself. You do it for people who don’t deserve you.’
That hurt, but mostly because it was the truth. And also because he understood what Ridge was implying—even if that wasn’t what he meant. Oz did do it for people who didn’t deserve him, but he rarely opened up for the people who did.
‘I understand why you avoided getting close to me. I was hurt back then, but I didn’t realize how bad everything was.’
Oz quickly shook his head. ‘It wasn’t as bad as this before.’
‘But you knew it could be,’ Ridge countered, and yeah, that was fair. ‘I saw your face tonight when you were comforting Grady in spite of being torn to shreds inside. I didn’t want to add another burden to that.’
Oz swallowed heavily. ‘What burden?’
‘Knowing that I’m falling for you,’ Ridge said. He used an older sign for falling in love that Oz hadn’t seen except on the hands of one of his older ASL teachers back in school. It almost made him laugh, but the fact that Ridge was using it was enough. He couldn’t possibly mean it. And yet…there it was, hovering between them.
Oz leaned against the doorframe. His knees felt weak. ‘I thought you were trying to end things.’
‘I know. I just don’t understand why.’
‘Grady,’ he said.
Ridge looked even more confused. ‘What?’
‘You and Grady. I thought you were in love with him. It makes sense.’
Ridge stared, then suddenly burst into laughter. Oz swore he could feel the sound hitting him in the chest as Ridge nearly doubled over, and the pain of being mocked hit him like a blow to the chest. He started to take a step back, fumbling for the door, but Ridge caught him before he could and yanked him close.
‘No,’ he mouthed, shaking his head.
Oz couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe.
‘No,’ Ridge signed, lifting one hand but not making space between them to sign. ‘Only you.’
Oz started to shake his head, but he stopped when Ridge’s hand pressed against his jaw.
‘Only you,’ he mouthed.
It was now or never. And damn it, maybe it was time for him to stop assuming the worst and start believing that maybe he deserved to have this. Maybe that ugly voice inside his head told only lies.
He looked up at Ridge and fought the urge to beg him to prove it because that wasn’t fair. Ridge had only ever been kind and honest. Even if he’d held back his feelings in words, he hadn’t held them back in the way he treated Oz. Or the way he held him, or kissed him, or spoiled him.
Even when he’d made Oz beg for it, he’d been giving Oz what he secretly craved.
Ridge stroked another touch along his jaw, then down his neck before signing, ‘If you want me to stop, I will. I can go?—’
“No,” he said aloud, frantic. “No. Don’t leave me. Please.”
Ridge wrapped an arm tightly around him. ‘Okay. I’m staying. But can we leave the bathroom?’
Oh. Right. They were still standing three feet away from a damn toilet. He glanced behind him, then burst into laughter so hard it almost took him out at the knees. He felt Ridge’s rumble against him as he was tugged out of the small room, down the hall, then back to the bedroom.
Christ, it had to be after midnight. He was going to be a wreck tomorrow, and he wasn’t sure that was fair to his kids. He should hop on the school portal and request a sub. There were a bunch of interpreters in town who were on the call list for subs at the school, so it wasn’t like he’d leave the kids out in the wind with some unqualified temp, but…
What did that make him if he did this?
Weak?
‘You look upset. What are you thinking?’ Ridge asked as he tugged Oz to the sheets.
Oz squirmed, restless and unsure. There was too much to talk about, and there was no way in hell he could get it all done in the span of a few hours while also having time to sleep. ‘Would you think less of me if I called out to work tomorrow?’
Ridge’s lips twitched, but then his face fell. ‘That’s a serious question, isn’t it?’
Oz flushed and stared down at his lap as he nodded. When he looked up again, Ridge looked sad. ‘Sorry. I know it’s pathetic?—’
‘Stop.’ Ridge took another deep breath, his inhale so intense it rocked his entire body. ‘I want to ask you a question, but I don’t want it to hurt your feelings.’
Oz was terrified now, but he nodded. ‘Ask.’
‘Have you ever thought about therapy?’
At that, Oz burst into laughter again. He and therapy were old friends. He hadn’t been in a while, but he wasn’t afraid of it. And he knew immediately that Ridge was right. He couldn’t handle this on his own. He needed help pulling himself out of the hole his family had helped him dig. He needed to find his own self-worth if he was going to actually be a decent partner for this man.
Assuming that this was still on the table now that Ridge saw what a sorry state his mental health was in.
‘I’ve been in therapy. Not recently, and yeah, I think I need to make a call and go back.’
‘Ina’s office sees adults too. There are Deaf therapists there, and everyone at that practice is fluent in ASL,’ Ridge told him.
Oz jolted. He assumed he’d go see his last one, but she was hearing. She knew some conversational sign and seemed knowledgeable in Deaf culture and the struggles of Deaf kids born to hearing parents. But to have someone truly understand him?
‘I’d like that.’
Ridge’s smile bloomed bright as the sun, and he sagged back against the headboard. ‘Okay!’
Oz laughed again and gave in to his urge to drop into Ridge’s arms and be held for a moment. They still needed to talk. He needed to know what this was—and what it could be. He needed to jump on his work portal and sign up for a sub because yeah, fuck it. Self-care was a thing, and he deserved a little bit of it.
But for now, he would be a little selfish and take all the comfort Ridge was offering.