Chapter 13
Chapter
Thirteen
July 28 th
12:38 P.M.
Why did next door suddenly feel so far away?
For years, Cole had wished that Susanna would move away. He’d hated living beside what he thought was a prostitute and had wondered several times if he should try propositioning her so he could get proof and have her arrested.
Something had always held him back though. At the time, he had just thought that even if he could get proof, and he’d highly doubted with the way he had treated her that Susanna would take him as a client, that her money would get her off anyway. So it was pointless.
Now that felt like it had been an excuse.
He hadn't tried to get proof Susanna was a criminal because he hadn't wanted her to go to prison.
His brothers were definitely right. He’d been obsessed with the woman and allowed his own prejudices to blur his vision.
How was he supposed to make up for that?
Was he kidding himself in thinking something could be between himself and Susanna?
For the last twenty-four hours all he’d done was think about her. She’d even followed him into his dreams. All he’d dreamed about last night was her warm soft body in his arms, how good it had felt to be buried deep inside her, her sweet tinkling laugh.
It was the laugh that got to him the most.
In all the years he’d known her, he hadn't seen her laugh more than a handful of times. In the past, he’d only seen her laugh when she was with someone else, and as soon as their eyes would meet and she would realize he was nearby it would fade. Maybe because he’d been letting his anger rule him, blind him, but he’d never realized that her laugh sounded so rusty.
Like she didn't use it very often and it felt weird falling from her lips.
His heart ached to know why.
What would take an intelligent, compassionate, caring woman and make it so she didn't want to laugh?
A knock on his door had him climbing wearily to his feet. He didn't feel much like company. Well not entirely true. There was someone whose company he longed for, but he didn't know how to go over to Susanna’s apartment, knock on her door, and ask if she wanted to hang out.
Guilt was standing between them and it was a formidable opponent.
For a moment before he opened the door he wondered if it was Susanna. When they’d returned to their building the day before and parted ways, he’d told her to call if she needed anything. Maybe she’d decided to take him up on his offer and stop by?
Disappointment washed over him when he found his brothers on the other side of the door.
If you weren't being such a coward you could have gone to her.
The mocking voice in his head had been taunting him for twenty-four hours and he was getting tired of it.
What he needed was to get out and do something.
Make this right somehow.
Perhaps if he could eliminate the threat hanging over Susanna’s head, a threat only there because of him, then he had an offering of sorts that he could bring to her, use it to wipe away some of his guilt and regret.
“You letting us in or keeping us out in the hall?” Cade snapped.
“Uncle Cole, I have to pee,” Essie announced, bouncing from foot to foot.
“Sorry, Messy Essie,” he gave the little girl a smile. “Come on in.”
Everyone filed into his place, and while Essie and Gabriella headed straight for the bathroom, chattering away, the others held an almost somber air.
Why did he get the feeling this was going to be some sort of unwanted and unwarranted intervention?
“What’s up?” Cole asked suspiciously as he locked his door, resisting the urge to step out into the hall and check on Susanna.
If she needed him, she knew he was there.
“No updates on Mom’s case,” Cooper told him from where he’d sat on the couch, his arm around Willow, who nestled so easily into his side.
A stab of jealousy pierced his chest, and Cole rubbed at it absently as he took a seat next to Cassandra on the opposite couch. “Oh.”
“Why do I get the feeling you thought we were here about something else, big brother?” Cass asked with a look in her eyes that said she knew exactly what he thought they were there to talk to him about.
“You assumed wrong, baby sister,” he shot back, refusing to get drawn into a conversation about Susanna. It was complicated and he didn't understand it himself. “So, we don’t know anything more about Vinny Vitoli?”
“We know that he traveled extensively with a now-defunct company that offered private security. Went out of business when there were a couple of issues with the men he was hiring. Most were former military or law enforcement, but he was running the business on the cheap and hiring people who had been dishonorably discharged or left the force under suspect circumstances,” Connor explained.
“Vinny was one of them?” Cole asked.
“Yeah. Served for less than a year in his local police department before quitting when he was offered an ultimatum,” Jax told him.
“What was the issue?” he asked.
“Roughing up suspects, anger issues, problems respecting superiors, a few fights with colleagues. Was told if he quit, that would be the end of it, they wouldn't take anything further, so he did,” Jax replied.
“We verified that he was in Egypt several times. Since we don’t have the exact dates of when your mom was assaulted, we can't confirm for sure, but it seems likely what Susanna told us is true. He was involved,” Jake said, empathy on his face. Just because Jake and Jax’s dad hadn't been hurt the same way his mom had didn't mean they hadn't lost a lot. Their dad was the sole survivor of the ambush, and they knew both their parents were aware of the conspiracy, it was why they’d married. They were all in this together.
But who was there for Susanna?
He’d been monitoring the cameras outside her apartment, and no one had gone in or out. Where were her friends? Where was her support system? Why was she alone while he was sitting here surrounded by family?
“How is Susanna doing?” Connor asked.
“I assume she’s okay,” he answered, wishing he knew for sure. While he kept reminding himself he’d given her his number and told her to call for any reason, he got the feeling there was no reason big enough in her mind to call.
Maybe he should have pushed harder.
Only he was trying to do the right thing. For three years, he’d treated her badly, then because of him she’d been raped, shot at twice, and run off the road. Forcing himself on her when she likely needed space would be wrong. He was trying to find a balance between making sure she knew he was available if she wanted, but not shoving himself onto her if she didn't.
“You assume?” Connor repeated, blue eyes gone wide. “Wait, you haven’t talked to her?”
“Not since we got back here, but I told her to call, you know that,” Cole said, a little defensively, but it felt like the whole family was judging him. They had no right to judge. Wasn't like any of them other than Cade, and now Cooper had been in a stable relationship, and they didn't know how badly he’d messed up with Susanna.
“Oh, Cole. You didn't call her? Check on her?” Willow asked, something close to shocked horror in her blue eyes.
“I gave her my number and told her to call if she needs anything,” he repeated, feeling like an idiot. Even Cade, who more often than not had a stone where his heart should be, was shaking his head.
“Cole,” Willow started slowly, speaking in the way you would to a small child, “I know none of us, including her, have had time to process it with everything else going on, but she was raped. She’s probably feeling more emotions than any one of us can understand. More than she can understand. I’d bet anything that she’s feeling like she’s been set adrift in the middle of a raging river, with no oars and no boat. She’s lost, alone, and afraid. If I didn't have Cooper, if I didn't have all of you, I don’t know where I’d be right now.”
“Not as simple as that, Willow,” he reminded her. “You and Coop were building something solid from the beginning. I've spent three years tormenting her over stupid stuff that wasn't her fault. I took out my anger at my ex on her and she was completely innocent. You're right, Susanna needs something solid, and I've been anything but for her.”
Just because he might wish things were different, they weren't.
He’d made himself Susanna’s worst nightmare, and now that she was living a waking nightmare why should he expect her to come to him for comfort?
July 28 th
1:04 P.M.
Why was it so hard?
Why couldn’t she just let go of the past?
Why couldn’t she find a way to trust again?
Susanna felt like she was broken.
As in actually broken.
For the first time since she was nine years old and went to that cop for help only to be turned down and denied it for the second time, she actually wanted to try trusting someone.
Even though she knew there was every reason in the world for her not to trust Cole after the way he’d treated her and the assumptions he’d made about her, a part of him called out to her. Something about him that settled the stormy seas inside her.
She wanted to answer that call, but she couldn’t.
Because deep down her body, mind, and soul were all in agreement.
If she trusted him, he’d wind up letting her down.
That thought, proven to her time and time again by her parents, her teachers, and law enforcement while she was growing and developing her sense of self, had become a core part of her.
Was there any way to let it go?
Any way to change who she was?
As a child she’d never dreamed of getting married and having her own family. Family hurt you. That was what she’d been taught. People betrayed you. Trust no one.
Why would the idea of pledging her life to another person hold any appeal when she wholeheartedly believed they would wind up taking advantage of her in some way, shape, or form?
It hadn't.
There had been times since she escaped her father’s clutches a decade ago when she’d been lonely. Of course there were. She’d worked hard in college so she didn't have to live off her father’s money. Multiple jobs to pay her bills, her course load, plus zero desire meant she hadn't had friends. Then, bit by bit over time, some of her colleagues began to sneak their way into her life.
But whether or not those people remained on the periphery of her life, all she really cared about was peace. So long as she felt safe and secure in her home and her life, it hadn't mattered if occasionally, she wished she had someone there to share her life with.
Now something had changed.
Cole’s fierce protection of her these last several days had shifted something inside her and now she felt like she was hanging in limbo.
Her past life of being alone and peaceful had lost a little of its shine, but she also couldn’t seem to move forward in any productive manner.
Stuck.
Unable to stay in the past, but also unable to go forward.
In the last twenty-four hours she’d picked up her phone and brought up Cole’s number probably a hundred times. Each time she tried to move to touch it, call him, at least hear his voice even if she didn't ask him to come over, her hand froze.
She couldn’t do it.
Physically couldn’t do it.
A knock at her door startled her, and the phone that had been sitting on the arm of her couch where she’d been staring at it, willing it to do the impossible and put her out of her misery and call Cole itself, tumbled to the floor.
Quickly, she snatched it up and unlocked the screen so that Cole’s name was there. Just because Susanna knew that Cole’s family was monitoring cameras outside her door didn't mean she wouldn't need help faster than they could get there. If someone was there to hurt her, she better hope her finger didn't get paralyzed again when she tried to call Cole.
Unlocking her door, she opened it just enough to peer through, and almost dropped her phone in shock when she saw who was on the other side.
It wasn't Cole.
But it was someone she recognized.
The woman who was dating Cole’s brother Cooper. There were fading bruises all over the woman’s face, and she moved as though she were in pain, so Susanna was pretty sure there were more bruises beneath the jeans and T-shirt she wore.
Memories of the summer her father had beat her until she was black and blue hit her mind. Usually, he didn't put his hands on her, that would give credence to her story that she was being abused. He preferred psychological torture like making her sit in an ice bath for hours until she was so numb she couldn’t feel an inch of her body. But she remembered that summer, how it had taken almost the entire break to heal enough that she could move without hurting.
Now she stared at the woman with the bruises, a complete stranger, yet the compassion and understanding in her eyes was more than most people had ever shown her before. The only time she’d seen that empathy aimed her way was from her friends when she woke up in the hospital after being raped.
“I’m Willow, remember we met the other day at Cole’s? I’m dating his brother Cooper, the twin with the gray eyes,” Willow said, her smile seemed genuine, yet Susanna couldn’t take a step back and ask what the woman wanted.
“I remember,” she said softly.
“We were all just over there checking in on Cole, making sure he was holding up okay after what happened, and I got the feeling that … maybe you needed someone to check on you too,” Willow said gently.
Whatever expression Susanna was wearing must be pretty comical because Willow laughed and took a step closer, pressing lightly against the door.
The movement was enough to make Susanna let go of the door and allow the other woman to come inside. Was Willow for real? She’d actually cared enough to come by?
Why?
They didn't know each other, so it made zero sense. Even her cop friends had believed her when she assured them she was okay and didn't need them to come over.
Yet this woman had come.
Maybe because she thought something was going on between her and Cole. Willow might not have been around long enough to know that Cole had hated her for three years so she might think they were on the verge of becoming a couple.
Which wasn't true.
Despite her burst of confidence the other night, and the moment she would treasure for a lifetime when she felt powerful and took what she needed, she wasn't going to make a play for her neighbor.
“I … I don’t … I'm okay … it’s not necessary …” Susanna stammered, too confused to make a coherent argument as to why Willow didn't need to worry about her.
Instead, a pair of piercing blue eyes cut her off. “You don’t have to lie to me, Susanna. I get it. I know what it’s like to be alone. To be afraid to trust anyone.”
“How did you know?” she whispered, feeling like the other woman had flayed her right open and exposed her deepest secrets.
“Because I recognized the look in your eyes the other night. It’s one I used to see staring back at me in the mirror,” Willow replied.
“But you seem so confident, and I know what happened in Egypt, what you did, how you killed Tarek Mahmoud, what you were fighting for. How could you know what it’s like not to be able to trust anyone?”
Willow merely smiled and looked around the room. “I could say the same about you. You were raped yet you didn't hesitate to come to Cole and tell him what you remembered, to offer your help when you realized the connection between his mom and your former patient. You came back here even though the place had been trashed, violating what should be your safe place. You work as a counselor for addicts, a tough job yet one you seem to do well if the number of cops singing your praises is anything to go by. And you run a charity that helps victims of crime. You’re clearly a person who cares about others, and from the outside, it looks like you have your life together.”
“Who says I don’t?” she asked lamely. How had Willow managed to figure out so much about her in a single meeting? Did the woman have the ability to read minds?
“We’ll call it intuition. And my intuition says maybe you could do with a friend.”
“I have friends,” Susanna said a little defensively.
“Yep, I had “friends” too. But I meant a real one. One you can truly trust, one you feel safe with. I know I could use that,” Willow said, allowing a hint of vulnerability into her voice.
A friend.
A real one. One that could be trusted.
The idea sounded as much like a mythical being to her ears as a unicorn did. Yet …
It would be nice.
To have someone to lean on, someone who could understand. Willow said that when she looked at her, she saw someone afraid to trust, someone alone. The same things she felt about herself.
Was it possible Willow actually got it?
Was the woman standing before her a safe one?
Susanna had been burned too many times to tell anymore. Yet, just like with Cole, something drew her to Willow. Something soft, warm, and reassuring.
Praying she wasn't making the biggest mistake of her life and setting herself up to get burned all over again, Susanna opened her mouth and words tumbled out. “I feel like I'm drowning and there’s nothing around me to hold onto.”