Chapter 14
Chapter
Fourteen
July 29 th
5:16 P.M.
It would be so easy to stop and knock on her door, ask her how she was doing, tell her he missed her, and ask if they could hang out so he could finally feel settled instead of like he was drifting in the wind, not anchored to anything.
Yet Cole didn't.
He walked past Susanna’s door like he had hundreds of times before.
Usually, when he walked past it was with a sneer as he wondered if she was servicing a paying customer inside. While he would never have admitted it at the time, his blood would always heat as he pictured Susanna’s lithe body, sweaty and slick as she played between the sheets.
Being attracted to a woman he assumed was a hooker like his ex had been left him feeling shame, like there was something wrong with him. How had he not seen who she really was? How could he be so blind? Why hadn't he been enough to satisfy her?
Taking out his issues on Susanna made him lower than the lowest of low slimeballs, and it was why he couldn’t find it in himself to go to her now.
He needed her. Cole could admit that.
That night in the woods, where he’d been worried that the men hunting them would stumble upon them, where they’d been cold and uncomfortable on the hard ground, he’d been more relaxed than he had the last two nights inside his own apartment.
It was not having Susanna in his arms that was making the difference.
But every time he went to call her, or walk next door, something stopped him. Cole couldn’t seem to let go of his guilt, of knowing how he’d treated her, and he hated it.
Just as he reached the lift, it dinged, and the doors slid open, revealing his family. While they were close, he didn't usually see them every day unless he and his brothers were off on an op for Prey. Now he’d seen them every day since Susanna had been assaulted, except for the day he and Susanna had been run off the road and hiked through the woods, and they'd learned it was all connected to whatever happened to their mom.
What was with that?
“What are you guys doing here again?” he asked, trying not to sound annoyed. Cole got that they were looking out for him, doing what family did for one another, but he wanted to just sit around and wallow in a deep pit of self-pity.
“Brought dinner,” Cassandra said, holding up a covered dish, and he noticed everybody was also carrying something.
Apparently, his family couldn’t do take-out like everybody else, they had to home cook food and then deliver it while it was still warm.
There went his plans to get out for a few hours and try to stop thinking about Susanna. Just because they’d slept together didn't mean anything more would happen. She hadn't called him, and he hadn't reached out to her either. They’d made no promises and had no discussion about the future.
So, he’d planned on heading out to a bar, grab a meal, and maybe hookup.
The idea of touching another woman had soured his gut but he had to do something. There was no way he could allow himself to believe that Susanna could ever want anything with him so getting her out of his system was imperative.
Now he was glad his family had shown up and stopped him before he could do something he’d more than likely regret.
“Uncle Cole, guess what?” Essie asked, bouncing along, her hand in Gabriella’s.
“What, Messy Essie?”
“Don’t call me that. I don’t be messy.” The little girl huffed.
“Yeah, your room is so tidy, and I never have to remind you to put your toys away,” Gabriella teased, causing one corner of Cade’s mouth to turn up into a smile. Big brother always smiled more when he was around his daughter’s nanny. If he’d just open his eyes and see what was right in front of him, he could have a second shot at happiness.
Pot meet kettle.
Cole realized he was being hypocritical when his gaze darted to Susanna’s door. A door he knew she was sitting behind because she hadn't left the apartment since they got home. A fact he knew for certain because he obsessively watched the cameras, unwilling to let her suffer another second of pain because of him.
“I'm real good at tidying,” Essie protested before returning her attention to him. “We bought you ice cream. Cos you’re sad. When I'm sad, Gabby lets me have ice cream, so I askeded her if we could get you some, and she said yes!”
“You think I'm sad, munchkin?” he asked, but the question was more to his siblings. Yesterday, he’d shut down the conversation about Susanna, but maybe it had continued between his brothers and sister behind his back.
“Cos you got hurt,” Essie said like it was obvious.
When he unlocked his door and everyone started filing in, he noticed Willow had veered off and was knocking on Susanna’s door. She’d disappeared yesterday, too, and gone to visit with Susanna. Were the two of them friends now?
An irrational stab of jealousy shot through him.
It should be him going in there with Susanna, not Willow.
What was worse was the only reason it wasn't him was because he hadn't made a move.
“Relax, little bro,” Cooper said, clapping him on the shoulder. “Willow’s got this. She’ll take care of your girl till you dig your head out of your … butt,” he said, glancing over at Essie who was looking at him with wide eyes and giggling at the mention of butts.
“She’s not mine,” he grumbled in frustration as he stepped into his apartment and closed the door before he could catch a glimpse of Susanna and do something stupid like act all alpha and caveman and demand that she move into his place, or him into hers until this mess was sorted.
“Whose fault is that?” Connor asked as everyone began setting out the food along his kitchen counters.
His.
He wasn't denying that.
After the way he’d treated her, there was no way that Susanna was going to come to him. Yet he couldn’t seem to make himself go to her either, and that left them at an impasse.
Instead of being jealous, he should be grateful that Willow seemed to have gained Susanna’s trust enough that she was letting her in. Susanna needed and deserved people in her corner, he just had to figure out how to redeem himself enough to get in.
“Yeah, man, it’s mine, that what you want to hear?” he said, checking his anger only because there were little ears about.
“No,” Connor shot back. “What I want to hear is that you manned up and went over there yourself instead of hiding out here. I thought … I thought when you told her the coal Cole story that you were finally admitting that you liked her. We’ve all known you were into her since the moment you moved in here, but you're a stubborn one, that’s for sure.”
“You all thought I was into her?” He’d been so sure he communicated nothing but disdain for his neighbor any time one of his siblings was there when he crossed paths with Susanna.
“Obsessed,” Cooper said with a nod.
“You like her, Cole. We all know it. You know it. So why not do something about it?” Cassandra asked as she grabbed a stack of plates from the cupboard and began handing them out, giving two to Gabriella so she could dish up food for herself and her little charge.
“Because I messed up. Big time. And now she’s been hurt because of me. What kind of future do you imagine us having after that?”
While he’d asked the question of the adults it was Essie who answered first. “Getting married, having babies, and living in a big castle with a pet unicorn.”
The sweet innocent answer made them all laugh, him included.
Things were so easy when you were four years old, but in the adult world, they just weren't that simple.
“We bought ice cream for Susanna,” Gabriella told him. “And Essie wants to make her another card. Maybe you could help her.”
The hint was clear.
Make an effort.
Find a way to reach out to her.
Hold out an olive branch.
Stop being such a coward and confront this mess head-on instead of hiding away in his apartment like his entire future wasn't hanging in the balance.
Could he admit that was how high the stakes were? That regardless of the past he wanted a future with Susanna?
And could he do something about it?
July 31 st
3:42 P.M.
It was the first time she’d been outside her apartment in days, and it felt … weird.
Not the good kind of weird either.
Was there even a good kind of weird? Sounded kind of contradictory.
Since her assault, the only time she had been outside was when she was with Cole or somebody else she trusted like her friends who had brought her home from the hospital. But it wasn't like she could hire a twenty-four-seven bodyguard, and it wasn't like she could hide away in her apartment forever, so she had to get over it.
Weird or not, she had to pop to the grocery store.
Sure, she could have food delivered, but that was taking the coward’s way out and she was so tired of being a coward.
Just because she’d had a horrible childhood, and just because she’d been betrayed by people she should have been able to trust didn't mean she had to let it dictate every aspect of her future for the rest of her life.
Since she was only twenty-nine, that was a significant portion of her life. Especially when she considered she’d already been letting it rule her life since she was a kid.
As a fully trained and qualified psychologist, she should know how to help herself.
After all, she could help other people.
In terms of counseling addicts, she had a brilliant track record. Sure there were the patients who’d been unable to overcome their demons, who had given into the lure of drugs and wound up either dead, in prison, or a slave to their addiction. But there were lots of success stories, too. People who had gotten clean and stayed clean. Stayed clean through major life events, started great careers, married and had children, and gone on to live productive lives whatever that looked like to them.
If she could help them, surely she could find a way to help herself, too.
She would just have to dig deep to do it.
This was step one.
Find that confidence she’d had after surviving what should have been a life-ending fall.
In that moment, she’d felt a freedom she’d never experienced before and wanted more of that feeling. It was scary to think about letting Cole in, especially since he hadn't made a move to check on her. Not that she could be angry about that because she hadn't reached out either. Wasn't like she was the only person in the world with trust issues.
So doing her best not to startle at every little sound or look around her constantly like the boogie man was just waiting around the next corner to jump out and consume her, Susanna walked through the aisles of the small grocery store near the apartment. She grabbed just the things she needed for the rest of the day and tomorrow because she wanted to make sure she had to come back out.
No excuses.
Moving forward.
It was time.
When she reached the ice cream freezer she stopped. While Cole hadn't texted, or called, or come around to see her, he had made contact in one small way. He and his little niece had made her a card. A really sweet card. They’d used lots of glitter and sequins, and Cole had put in the quote from AA Milne’s Winnie the Pooh.
You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
Susanna wanted to believe that so badly, but it was hard. She might have been brave as a child but that had been shoved right out of her after her attempts at gaining help had been thrown back in her face. Maybe she’d been strong to survive as a child, but as an adult, she’d squandered that strength by running and hiding from anything that might push her to confront her trust issues. And how smart could she be if she couldn’t even figure out her own life?
Since she had no idea what Cole’s favorite ice cream flavor was, she chose one with sprinkles and smiled to herself as she hurried to the counter. After paying for her items, she stepped out into the warm summer afternoon. The sun was bright, the sky so very blue, and there was just enough of a hint of a breeze that the air didn't feel stifling.
Halfway home she felt it.
Eyes following her every move.
When the sensation first hit, she shoved it away. Of course, she’d been feeling on edge since the last time she walked this street alone she was raped and beaten.
But that was night and this was the middle of the afternoon.
If—and it was a pretty big if as far as she was concerned—Vinny was somewhere nearby, he wouldn't be so stupid as to make a move on her when there were so many people about.
She hoped.
She prayed.
The hairs on the back of her neck stayed pricked up as she forced herself not to break out into a panicked run. If she was being watched, she didn't want to give on that she knew.
Why had she thought leaving her apartment was a good idea again?
While it wasn't like she was under house arrest of anything, Cole and his brothers had warned her about being careful, not being alone anywhere, and watching her surroundings. Someone thought she was dating Cole and was more than willing to try to kill her to convince the Charleston and Holloway families to back off.
It was one thing to want to find the courage to take control of her life again, but it was another to put it in danger.
Pausing at a crosswalk as she waited for the light to change to green, Susanna did her best to glance around her while looking as nonchalant as possible.
Sure it didn't work, and she looked as edgy and scared as she felt, she also didn't see anyone glaringly, obviously watching her. Everybody seemed to be going on about their lives like she wasn't seconds away from a full-blown panic attack.
As soon as the light changed, she moved again. This time she was done with subtle. She could feel those eyes on her, watching her, and they felt close. Too close. All she wanted was to get back to the safety of her building.
Hurrying as fast as she could without actually running, no longer warm but icy cold inside, Susanna let out a sigh of relief when she stepped into the lobby. Safe.
Well almost.
Managing to catch the lift, she was glad no one else was inside with her because she was sure she looked as freaked out as she felt.
When the doors opened on her floor, she practically ran for her door, slamming and locking it behind her then sinking back to rest on it. She was home and safe, and she didn't think that whoever had been watching her would try to come up to her apartment.
But she didn't feel safe.
Her heart hammered in her chest, and her palms were sweaty enough that she set down the bags on the floor before they could slip from her hands.
Before she realized she’d done it, her cell phone was in her hand. Cole said to call if she needed anything and … she needed something right now.
Needed him.
All her life she’d never needed anyone because any time she had, no one had been there.
Cole would be there.
If she called, he’d come.
Especially if he knew that it was because she thought she’d been followed.
No.
He’d come anyway.
Wouldn't he?
Why couldn’t she believe in him? In anyone?
She really had been so irreparably damaged that she was so stuck she couldn’t even make herself call a man right next door who, even though they’d had a bad beginning had proven he was a man who could be there for her.
If she let him.
Could she?
Could she finally fight through her fear and reach out? Could she risk making the first move, knowing that there was a chance he would let her down?
Not allowing herself to second-guess her decision, Susanna scooped up the bags and set them on her kitchen counter. Then with more determination than she’d felt in a long time, she headed for her front door.
She was going to do better than just call, she was going to go to Cole’s place and tell him what had happened and then ask him if maybe he wanted to hang out with her for a while.
The worst he could say was no.
And … she’d survive if he did.
Hopefully.
When she threw open her front door Susanna froze.
Cole was there.
His hand poised as though he’d been about to knock.
He’d come.
To her.
Without her even asking.
Something shifted inside her, and Susanna acted purely on some sort of instinct and threw herself into Cole’s arms, praying he was strong enough to catch her and the heavy baggage she carried with her.