Chapter 15
Chapter
Fifteen
July 31 st
4:21 P.M.
Catching her as she flew at him was as natural as breathing.
While not the reception he’d been expecting, Cole would take it.
From the moment he’d watched her walk out of her apartment for the first time since they got home from the woods, he knew what he had to do.
It was time to stop being a coward.
The only way to make things up to Susanna for how he’d treated her in the past was to prove to her that he wasn't that guy. That he could be someone who was good for her, who supported her, and who quite literally would catch her whenever she was falling.
“You okay, sprinkles?” he asked as he carried her further inside and closed and locked her door. They could never be too careful since they knew someone was after them.
Not lifting her face from where she’d pressed it against his neck, Susanna shook her head.
His heart cracked at the pain emanating from her. The fact that she didn't cry, just shuddered and held tightly onto him, made it so much worse. She was always able to hold her emotions so close to the chest like she truly believed that letting them out was so pointless she may as well not bother.
Carrying her over to the couch, he sat and settled her on his lap. “What happened? I watched you go out, and you looked determined, but when you came back you looked scared.”
Lifting her head, she looked up at him, her eyes wide with wonder like what he’d said was somehow special instead of just stating facts. While he’d been planning on coming over anyway, when he saw the panic on her face as she hurried back into her apartment he knew he had to come right over.
“You … were watching the cameras?” Susanna asked.
“Of course.”
“Just today?”
“No.”
“H-how long?”
Since it was obviously important to her to hear him say it out loud, Cole was happy to oblige. “The whole time. I've barely slept. I'm obsessed with watching those cameras. I have to know that you're okay. Can’t explain it, sprinkles. But the thought of anything happening to you …”
“Because you blame yourself?” Susanna asked. Her green eyes were serious, there was no judgment in them, no anger or hostility, but it was clear that whatever he said next would be the turning point. If he didn't tell her what she wanted—no, what she needed —to hear then he could kiss any chance of a relationship with her goodbye.
And he didn't want that.
The future was uncertain, but he at least wanted a shot with this strong but vulnerable woman sitting on his lap watching him so intently.
“Susanna, I do place the blame for everything that’s happened to you on my shoulders, but that is not why the thought of anything happening to you makes me feel like I can't breathe, like there’s barbed wire wrapped around my chest, and someone is constantly pulling it tighter.”
Those probing green eyes continued to stare into his until finally a tentative smile tugged up his lips.
“I don’t need anyone’s pity,” she said.
“Feeling sad and angry that someone was hurt who didn't deserve to be hurt isn’t pity,” he pointed out.
“I … guess it’s not,” she agreed, almost reluctantly. “You came today.” There was joy in her voice at the idea.
“You were coming to me, too.” While there was every possibility she was just heading out to meet friends, go to the gym, go shopping, or a million other things, he knew deep down that wasn't the case.
Her smile turned shy. “I was.”
“We met halfway in between.” Somehow, he liked that the most. It was one thing if this was one-sided, but to know they both felt something brewing between them had to mean that they at least stood a chance.
“What does that mean?” Susanna asked, her thoughts echoing his own.
“It means I'm glad I came over and even more glad that you were coming over.” It was on the tip of his tongue to ask what had her looking like she’d seen a ghost, but before he could, Susanna shifted on his lap so she was straddling it.
That wasn't why he’d come.
Actually, sex had been about the furthest thing from his mind, he’d just wanted to make sure she was okay and for her to know that she didn't have to go through this mess alone. If she needed him, he was right there. Ready and waiting to make things up to her for what a jerk he’d been all these years.
Lifting herself slightly, she brushed her center across the growing bulge in his pants. “Cole, I need to feel you inside me. I need to … feel connected,” she admitted, a hint of shame flaring in her eyes before she pressed her mouth to his.
Much as he wanted to give her what she wanted, he had to know it was really what she wanted. For as long as he lived, he would never forget the sight of her bloody and beaten as she passed out in his arms. While he knew that Susanna was a strong woman and that she would survive this ordeal and come out the other side stronger, he also knew that was going to take time.
“Slow down, sprinkles,” he said as he nuzzled at her neck. “You sure?”
“You going to ask me that every single time?” she shot back, arching a brow.
Grinning at her, he nipped at the sensitive spot behind her ear, drawing a moan from her lips. “Depends, you thinking of making this a regular thing?”
Susanna’s cheeks blushed. “I … uh … I'm …”
“Relax, sprinkles, we don’t need to make any big decisions right now. If you're sure this is what you need, then I'm here. Yours for the taking.”
“Mine for the taking?”
“Yep.” Linking his fingers behind his head, Cole leaned back against the couch.
“Last time you seemed to like being in control.”
“Guess this means it’s your turn to take the lead. Show me what you like, babe.”
Watching the look in Susanna’s eyes, the hunger as she shifted back a little, balancing herself on his knees while she unzipped him and shoved his boxers aside so his length sprang free was worth giving up control. Usually, he loved to tease his partner in the bedroom. Working them higher and higher until when they finally came it was everything he could give them.
Today was all for Susanna, though. Her life had been tipped upside down and he wanted to help her regain her power.
As they explored his length her fingers were gentle, stroking across his swollen flesh. His erection twitched at her touch, and when she finally palmed it, curling her fingers around and began to smooth her hand from tip to base he groaned.
The sound made Susanna smile, and she tightened her grip on him a little and increased the pace. Pressure built inside him, a volcano of pleasure ready to erupt, and just when he thought he was going to come, Susanna’s hand suddenly disappeared.
“I give as good as I get,” she told him with a grin as she shimmied off his legs and stripped out of her jeans and panties. Then she climbed on him again this time lifting her hips until she hovered above his length.
“You give amazing,” he told her as their eyes connected. “You are amazing.”
“I think you're amazing, too. Well, now I know the real you. The one I knew at first, I didn't like him so much.”
Her honesty touched him because while he knew he deserved a whole lot more anger than she’d given him, he liked that she could tell him off. “I’ll prove to you that the real Cole Charleston is nothing like that man. I’ll make it up to you somehow for how I treated you.”
Hands planted on his shoulders, she gave him a single nod he wasn't quite sure how to interpret as she sank down, taking an inch of him inside her.
Unable to resist, Cole reached out and shoved up her T-shirt to bare her breasts covered in delicate purple lace. Closing his mouth around one nipple, Susanna moaned as she sank down and took another inch of him.
This slow torture was as exquisite as it was maddening, and he clung to control and allowed Susanna to have her power, rather than digging his fingers into her hips and taking her roughly. After what she’d been through, she deserved everything, beautiful, soft, sweet, anything her heart desired.
When he shifted his focus to her other breast, Susanna sank another inch and tossed her head back, leaving her slender neck exposed, and he couldn’t help pausing to touch a kiss to where her pulse was fluttering in the hollow of her neck before returning to lavish attention on her breasts.
Another inch and another, and then she sank all the way down, burying him deep. Shifting one hand between them, Cole brushed his fingertips over her bud, making her moan, her fingers digging into his shoulders.
“Cole,” she murmured as her breathing became unsteady. And not in a good way.
“Right here, babe. I got you. You want to stop?” It didn't matter how far in they were, how close to coming he was, if Susanna said no, they stopped, simple as that.
Opening her eyes, she locked her gaze onto his. “No. I'm good, I just … I need to remember I'm safe, I'm in my apartment, I'm with you.”
“You're safe with me, sprinkles. Always. I’ll catch you when you fall, Susanna. Let go, babe. Let me catch you.”
Increasing the pressure on her bundle of nerves, he kept his gaze on hers and began to thrust. The fingers that had been holding his shoulders shifted and began to trace along his face. They smoothed through his stubble and feathered across his brow.
Slowing his thrusts, holding onto this moment for as long as possible, when they both reached the inevitable conclusion, Susanna cried out, pressing her lips to his as her release hit. His own rushed through him, exploding out along his every nerve until it felt like he was being set alight by the most magical fire.
As his orgasm began to ebb and fade and Susanna sank against him, nuzzling his neck, Cole wondered if what he was feeling were the first tendrils of something real solidifying between him and Susanna.
July 31 st
4:33 P.M.
As the high of her orgasm faded, embarrassment and insecurity rose to take its place.
She’d almost fallen apart in the middle of sex.
No, not almost.
She had been falling apart in the middle of sex.
Susanna had been able to feel it happening. A crack in the hazy cloud of desire that had consumed her. As the crack widened, memories began to creep through. Feelings she wanted to forget. Fear she wanted to bury. A sickening nausea she wished to never feel again.
Spiraling faster than she could regain her control all it had taken was one word to fix it.
Cole.
There was no need to say more. He must have heard the fear in her voice, felt the tension in her body, and realized her quickening breathing had nothing to do with their lovemaking.
And he’d offered her the only thing that could beat back that terror.
Control.
Options.
Freedom.
If she’d said she needed to stop, Susanna had no doubt that would have been that. He would have pulled out of her. Cleaned her up, helped her get dressed, and thought nothing less of her.
At least she hoped he wouldn't have thought less of her.
Stopping, he would have done without hesitation, but did he know how close she was to falling apart? How close she’d always been?
In all her almost thirty years she had never had a safe place. Not once. Yet Cole kept saying she was safe with him. He’d even echoed her desires when she’d opened her door to find him standing there that he would catch her when—not if—she fell.
Everything in her screamed to give trusting someone another chance, but she was even more damaged than she’d been before. As evidenced by her near meltdown right in the middle of sex.
Could there be a more mortifying time to lose control?
“I’m sorry,” she whispered against Cole’s neck.
For a second the hands smoothing up and down her spine stilled, then they resumed their strong, calm path. “Nothing to be sorry for.”
It was sweet of him to say, but they both knew that it would be a complete and utter turn-off if she’d spiraled down into the panic attack that had been pulsing at the edges of her mind. Of course, it was too soon for sex. She’s tried to pretend otherwise, tried to pretend she could be unaffected by her assault, that being raped didn't have to change how she saw sex, but that was just plain stupid.
Of course, it changed things.
How was it possible for it to not?
Cole had asked her to let go, to trust that he’d be there to catch her, but how could she do that? Now more than ever, she needed to cling to control. What if she trusted him to be there for her through this, but then when she eventually told him the truth about her childhood—something she’d have to do if they were together because, at some point, meeting her family would be inevitable—he didn't believe her? What if he was like everybody else, charmed by her dad into believing she was a liar and a troublemaker?
That was a risk she couldn’t take.
This meant … this thing with Cole couldn’t go anywhere. The pull she felt toward him had to be ignored. It was the only way to keep herself safe.
“I almost lost it,” she whispered, ashamed to say the words aloud, true as they were.
“So what? You think I'd be mad at you because you went through a horrific ordeal and haven’t even begun to process it yet and had a completely natural reaction to that trauma?” Cole asked.
Well no.
She didn't think he would think her freaking out was unusual, it was that she was almost positive she couldn’t take being called a liar one more time, and why should she believe that Cole would be any different? No one else had ever believed her.
For the first time ever, she actually wanted to talk about it. To tell someone, to beg them to believe her. But as badly as she wanted the validation, the possibility of not getting it was almost crippling.
Feeling utterly defeated and so very tired, Susanna sighed and decided she’d hidden long enough. Pushing against Cole’s chest, she straightened and avoided his gaze as she looked around to see where she’d thrown her clothes.
In that moment, she’d felt so confident, but it seemed this confidence thing came and went in waves. At times, she felt like she could take on the entire world singlehandedly and win, and in others, she felt like there was no point even trying.
“Talk to me, Susanna,” Cole said, gripping her hips before she could climb off him.
“About what?” she asked, playing dumb. If all there was to talk about was her rape, she could probably find the strength to do that. But talking about her childhood? Why did that have to scare her so much? Why couldn’t she cling to confidence when it came to that?
“I know you have zero reasons to believe in me after the way I've behaved all the time you’ve known me, but I am someone you can trust, sprinkles. I wish you could believe that.”
She did too.
But she couldn’t allow herself to believe that of anyone.
Not even Cole.
And no other person had ever had her emotions and secrets bubbling this close to the surface. If he pushed much harder, they might actually come tumbling out without her permission.
“You can give it all to me, babe. I can take it. Whatever you have to give, whatever you need to get out. I want your rain and your sunshine.”
Darn it.
Why did he have to say these sweet things to her?
It was hard to believe the man before her, still inside her even if his length had gone soft, looking at her with such an earnest expression, almost desperate to make her believe him, was the same one she’d loathed for three years. This Cole was a completely different person.
But what if the old Cole came back?
She had firsthand experience of how vicious his tongue could be, and he’d already believed the worst of her without her even opening her mouth. How could she believe that if she told him the truth about her past he would be on her side?
Was that what was holding her back from him?
Of all the people in the world, she had the least reason to trust Cole Charleston. Maybe this Cole who was with her now was the fake one and the one she’d always known was the real one. Even though she didn't really believe that she did know that part of that awful Cole must exist. After all, he’d chosen to treat her badly even though she was a stranger to him.
That had to be why she couldn’t open up to him despite the urge to try. It wasn't just that she never trusted anyone, it was that this man had already shown her that she couldn’t trust him.
“Let me up, Cole. Please,” she said wearily.
Immediately, his hands left her hips, and he even helped her climb off him and leaned over to scoop up her jeans while she pulled her panties back on. The closeness she’d felt between them when she told him she wanted him was gone now, had vanished as thoroughly as if it had never even existed.
“What will it take, sprinkles, to earn your trust? I'm up for a challenge and I'm chomping at the bit to find a way to make it up to you for all the horrible things I've ever said about you.”
“One of those things was true. I did use some of my trust fund to buy this apartment, and I don’t feel guilty about that.” If nothing else, her father at least owed her a safe house to live in after he’d never provided one for her as a child.
“I don’t care. And I bet everything I own you used most of it to start your charity,” he told her as he shoved himself back into his boxers and zipped up his jeans.
Well, he was right about that.
It was the perfect way to both let something good come out of the bad that had been her life and give her father a little payback. He absolutely hated that she’d used that money to start a charity, and if there was a way for him to revoke the trust fund he would have.
Grabbing her forearms, Cole tugged her close until she was standing right before him, her palms pressed against his pecs. “Susanna, I deserve your anger and your mistrust. I know I do. I treated you terribly and I feel so much regret over it. I want to make it up to you. I want to be here for you. All I'm asking for is a chance to prove to you that I am a different guy from the one you knew. He’s not me. He’s the anger and resentment that should have been directed at my ex, the person who deserved it. The real me is here for you. Let me in.”
“I don’t know how,” she murmured as he blurred when tears filled her eyes.
“Then what are we doing? Any relationship between us can only work if you let me in.”
Something snapped inside her at his words. “What are you saying?”
Cole sighed, a little bit of regret in his eyes but mostly determination. “I'm saying that if you can't find a way to let me in, this thing between us is already doomed.”