Chapter 16
Chapter
Sixteen
July 31 st
4:50 P.M.
As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Cole knew they were the wrong thing to say. The right sentiment maybe, but he hadn't expressed it correctly.
Susanna gasped and flinched as though he’d slapped her. Her green eyes widened with shock, but there was a spark of something else in there, not quite anger, not quite horror, maybe some sort of cross between the two.
“What did you just say to me?” Susanna demanded, jerking out of his hold and putting a little distance between them. “Did you just give me an ultimatum?”
Had he?
No.
Cole didn't feel like he had.
Maybe he hadn't expressed it the right way. All he was trying to say was that a relationship that worked had to be built on trust. Without trust, they had no steady foundation. While it was pretty obvious that Susanna had some trust issues from the way she kept everybody in her life at arm’s length, she’d had sex with him twice now, both times initiated by her, so she had to want something with him.
What could they ever truly have, though, if she couldn’t let him in even a little?
Wasn't like he was demanding she share every single thing about herself, every trauma, every secret, every deep hidden part of her soul. All he was after was something. An acknowledgment that there was something growing between them, that they both felt it and were on the same page.
“Not an ultimatum,” he said firmly.
“Sure felt like one. Either I tell you what you want to know or … what? You just walk away and don’t come back?” There was clear fear in her eyes as she said that even though her tone was pure anger.
Was that what he was saying?
It didn't feel like it from where he was standing, but it was obvious it felt that way to Susanna.
“I'm not saying that. But I need something, sprinkles.”
“Don’t call me that,” she snarled.
The nickname had definitely morphed into something more affectionate between them, and up until now, she’d even acknowledged that by no longer telling him not to use it. Now it seemed they were right back to where they’d started.
Only this time around, Susanna was the angry one, and he was the one left slightly uncertain about what was going on. He got that sharing was hard for her, he truly did, but what could be so bad that she couldn’t give him something, something teeny tiny?
“I don’t think I'm asking for anything unreasonable,” he said calmly, even though he got the feeling he was asking her to give him the world.
“You have no idea what you're asking of me,” she shot back.
“Then tell me, babe. I'm right here, I've told you that I’ll be here for you, that I’ll catch you, that I want the sunshiny parts of you and the stormy ones. I can handle everything and anything you give me. I swear it.”
“Until the old Cole comes back,” she said softly, anger draining from her voice leaving her sounding exhausted.
“Is that what you're worried about?” That seemed fair, given the way he’d treated her the entire time they’d known one another minus the last ten days.
Her head dropped as though it were too heavy for her to hold up any longer, and she stared at the floor not giving him an answer. Taking a step closer, he eliminated the distance she’d put between them and hooked his thumb under her chin, nudging gently until she reluctantly lifted her gaze to meet his.
“I was embarrassed that I had fallen for a woman I clearly didn't know. I never let on to my brothers or sister that what I felt for her was pretty deep. I'd already been planning on proposing. I was planning an entire life with someone who was sleeping around for gifts because she cared more about stuff than she did about me. I never confronted her. I just packed up my stuff, told her it was over, and moved out. Then I came here and saw you. You looked so much like her, and you were hugging some guy right outside your door and I just … I lost it. I directed everything I felt toward her at you. That makes me a terrible person and a coward. I wish I could go back, Susanna, start over, see you for you, but I can't do that.”
There was more regret inside him than he knew what to do with.
Going back to the past was impossible, and Cole was starting to feel like fixing the mess he’d made was just as impossible.
He absolutely understood why she would be hesitant to trust and believe in him, but he couldn’t prove her wrong if she wouldn't give him a chance.
“I want to make it right. I want to be here for you. Not because I pity you,” he added, remembering what she’d asked of him earlier. “Because I care about you. I want to take care of you, I want to soothe away all your pain. I want to make everything better.”
“You can't.”
“I can try. Maybe if we work together we can. I know it’s not fair of me to ask this of you. You’ve been through so much, and I've proven to you over and over again I'm not the kind of guy you rely on. But I am asking. Please, babe, give me something, lean on me, trust in me.”
“I … don’t think I can,” she whispered, not angrily, just wearily, and tears shimmered in her eyes making them seem greener. “Where does that leave us?”
Her question was resigned because he’d already all but admitted it.
If they couldn’t share with one another, lean on one another, or work together as a team, they couldn’t build something real and sustainable between them.
“I don’t know,” he replied, stepping back.
“You're leaving?” she asked, a shred of panic in her voice as he headed for the door.
Feeling like the world’s biggest jerk, he turned to face her and nodded. “I'm giving us both some space before one of us says something that can't be taken back.”
“You're leaving,” she said again, this time like she’d expected nothing else, and he’d only proven to her that her fears about trusting him and letting him in were justified.
What else could he do, though?
It wasn't like he planned to give up on her. Maybe he just needed to regroup. Seemed she wasn't the only one with trust issues. Once before he’d put his faith in a woman, and she’d betrayed him. He had to know that whatever secrets Susanna was keeping weren't going to wind up with him being betrayed all over again.
Just because he knew Susanna would never sleep with men for money didn't mean whatever pain she was clinging to wouldn't wind up hurting both of them.
Foundation.
They needed it.
Because if he was going to jump all in with Susanna, he had to know they had it. He wanted the kind of love his parents had shared, wanted what Cade had had with his wife before she died.
Right now, he was on the precipice. It wasn't too late to rein in these feelings he was developing for Susanna, but if they went much further then it could be. Once he allowed himself to fall all the way that was it, he’d be in too deep that if it all backfired, getting hurt would be inevitable.
So, this was something he had to do.
For both of them.
Already he’d hurt her so many times that he didn't want to keep doing it. If he didn't know what pain she kept buried so deep he wasn't sure she could ever let it out, then that’s what he’d wind up doing. How could he not when he didn't understand?
“I'm leaving,” he agreed softly, hating the words. “But that doesn’t mean I'm not still here for you. If you need me, call. If you're in trouble, I’ll come. When you're ready to share, I’ll be there.”
With that, he turned back to face the door and walked toward it.
Before it closed behind him, he heard the whispered words that tore him to shreds.
“You left,” Susanna mumbled.
He had.
And now with the door between them, he was no longer sure he’d done the right thing. He was trying. Trying to handle things the best way he could when he felt like he was walking around in the pitch black with no idea of the minefields around him. He didn't want to hurt Susanna, didn't want to get hurt, he wanted to figure out this whole mess, but it felt like he was only making the mess worse.
Had he done the right thing?
Had he broken Susanna’s flimsy almost non-existent trust in him beyond repair?
Or had he been a coward and bailed because this was too hard?
August 1 st
9:56 A.M.
Cole left.
All these hours later it still hurt as badly as it did when the door clicked shut behind him.
Shocked, hurt, angry, not just at Cole but at herself as well because she was sabotaging her chance at happiness, after he’d gone, she’d run straight to the bathroom, stripped off, and stood under the water, scrubbing at her skin as she sobbed until it was red and raw.
Why did she feel so filthy?
It was coming on for two weeks since she was raped, and yet the feeling hadn't faded. It wasn't just Vinny’s touch that had her feeling like dirt clung to every inch of her, it was everything. All those years of being tortured, made to sleep on the floor, sleep deprivation, and being locked in the basement, it felt like it was all catching up to her at once.
Miring her in a pit of quicksand.
Pulling her down.
Smothering her.
Slowly killing her.
What was worse was that someone had held out a lifeline to her and she hadn't been able to pick up her arms and reach for it.
She wanted to.
When Cole had given her what was quite obviously an ultimatum, she’d wanted to do whatever it took to make sure he didn't leave, but she couldn’t.
Hadn't been able to do it.
Sabotaging her life felt awful, even worse than Cole leaving her after telling her he’d only come back if she did what he wanted.
There was plenty of anger directed at her neighbor. He’d made promises he hadn't even been able to hold onto for a couple of days. How was giving her an ultimatum, making her do something that was obviously hard for her for all the wrong reasons, showing her he could be there to catch her when she fell?
If he wanted her trust, he was going to have to earn it. Not because she was specifically trying to be difficult, because she wasn't, she’d learned early to take the path of least resistance and be as compliant as possible, but because it was honestly almost impossible for her.
Maybe if he’d proved to her that he was going to stick around even if he thought she was being difficult, through thick or thin, bad or good, rain or shine, he could have eventually earned it and then she would have told him willingly.
But trying to force her only made it worse.
There had been so many horrific things her father had forced her to do when she was a child that seeing the man she’d thought she was developing feelings for do the same thing only made the wall around her slam up higher. Not on purpose, what Cole didn't—probably couldn’t—understand was that she was a hostage to her own fear. It held her in a tight grip, and she didn't know how to get it to loosen.
One thing she did know, though, was that Cole trying to force it wasn't helping.
With a sigh, she shifted her gaze to the bathroom mirror. Staring at her reflection hurt. She looked tired and gaunt, the bruises were fading, more green and yellow now than black and blue, but the smudges under her eyes had darkened. An emptiness in her eyes made them look dull, and beneath all the bruises she was so pale she looked almost translucent.
A wreck.
That’s what she looked like.
To the point where she almost reconsidered her decision to resume counseling sessions this morning.
It was time. Her life might be a wreck, but she had to get back to it. This was her job, and people were counting on her. Almost two weeks off was enough, if she took much longer, then some of her patients might start to slip, and the last thing she needed was another burden resting on her shoulders.
So, this was something she had to do. Hopefully, it would end up being exactly what she needed. If she could get her attention off herself for a while and put it back where it belonged, maybe an answer to how to magically fix her problems would suddenly occur to her.
Unlikely, but she could hope.
Makeup also wasn't going to be a magic fix, but it would help her to pull on her mask and give her a little distance between herself and her whirling mind. So, she applied some concealer and covered the worst of the bruises, then she added a little mascara, and some lipstick to add color to her bloodless lips. A small bit of blusher so she didn't look like a walking ghost and that was the best she could do.
Twisting her long brown locks into a braid, she got dressed in a pretty lavender sundress and decided to do her best to ignore the bruises littering her exposed arms, and the bright red skin, irritated from this morning’s vicious scrubbing in the shower.
While she didn't look her best, she was doing her best to move forward. Doing everyday normal things was best for her, so she made her bed, tidied up the bathroom, then went through to the kitchen and set a kettle to boil. She put on the coffee maker, too, because this morning’s patient preferred coffee.
The coffee table was set, and everything was ready, the only thing out of place was the tub of ice cream she’d bought for Cole. After scrubbing herself almost raw in the shower, she’d dressed in her favorite pajamas and put away her groceries. But she’d been unable to put the ice cream in the freezer. She’d also been unable to take it around to his place, so it had been left in limbo on the counter and was now a melted, sticky mess.
Just like her life.
The buzzer went off, alerting her that her patient had arrived and was ready to be buzzed into the building. When she’d decided to go back to work, she’d contacted Connor, since she felt the most comfortable around him, and informed him not to worry if he saw people entering and leaving her apartment. He’d been concerned, told her he didn't think it was a good idea, that they needed more time to get a handle on the situation, but she’d been firm.
The truth was, she needed to do this if she didn't want to fall apart.
Besides this morning’s patient was an eighty-six-year-old man who had been in and out of rehab and prison since he was in his early forties, and he’d been in a car accident. Driving at night with his wife in the passenger seat and their two young children in the back, he’d swerved to avoid hitting a deer and instead lost control of the vehicle causing it to crash.
He was the only survivor.
Guilt had stolen from him what should have been a bright future.
But over their time together these last few years, he’d started to change. Accept that what had happened was just an accident, nobody’s fault. He’d even met someone, a widow with four grown children, ten grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. Being part of a family was hard for him, a reminder of what he’d lost, but also good for him.
He was confronting his fears and learning to control them rather than the other way around.
Now if only she could figure out how to do the same thing.
Did she want to wait until she was in her eighties and almost her entire life had passed her by before she figured it out?
The simple answer was no.
As terrifying as it was to admit, maybe she actually wanted a family. For years she’d lied to herself about it, pretended she didn't, and prioritized safety and security over everything else. But deep down she did want a family. Wanted to undo all the wrongs that had been done to her when she was a helpless child by making a family the way it was supposed to be.
As a knock sounded on her door and she went to unlock it, she couldn’t not think of Cole. He had shown her these last several days that he could be somebody she could let in, maybe even build a life with. He’d also shown her that he had faults like everybody else.
Could they help one another overcome their issues?
Or was that just wishful thinking?
Lost in thought as she was, it wasn't until the door was open and she was stepping back to allow who she thought was going to be Albie Roberts inside that she realized it wasn't an old man standing before her.
There weren't enough wrinkles.
The eyes were blue instead of brown.
Beneath the hat he wore—one she was sure belonged to Albie—there was greasy, graying hair.
The face she was looking at wasn't the one who was supposed to be there.
It was one she’d hoped to never see again.
Susanna opened her mouth to scream but she was already being pushed back into her apartment, the door slamming closed.
She turned to run, but something sharp prickled the side of her neck, and the world around her shimmered out of focus.
Movements clumsy, she tripped over her own feet and hit the floor hard.
Rolling onto her back she scampered back.
But it was no good.
The shimmering was becoming blackness, and the last thing she saw before she passed out was Vinny Vitoli’s manic smile.