Chapter 21
Twenty-One
Kol directs us on the path that will lead down to the stables. The day is overcast, and dark gray clouds roll by. Though it’s still pretty hot, it feels more like a late fall day on the West Coast than a summer day in the south.
“I’m surprised you haven’t ventured down to the stables already,” Kol says.
“I didn’t want to come on my own. I’ve never been around an animal as big as a horse before.”
Kol looks at me with a frown. “Sometimes I forget just how sheltered you were before I stole you away.” He takes my hand.
My heart flutters like hummingbird wings. Since our day by the pond when Kol told me about what his father did to him, I feel as though we’ve turned a corner. I hope I’m right.
“Didn’t you and Alistair ever go on dates?”
I’m surprised he’s asking, though his voice is strained. Kol gets upset any time anything to do with my ex-fiancé comes up.
Which reminds me, I really need to call Alistair and apologize.
“Not really. At first, we’d just chat before and after church service. Then I started attending more group meetings throughout the week to get out of the apartment, and he started showing up to them.”
“Your mom didn’t attend church with you?”
The stables come into view in the distance, looking more like the exterior of an expensive home than somewhere horses sleep and eat.
“No, she never did. I invited her to be polite and offered for her to come with me when I first started asking to go, but she never would. I don’t know why.” I glance at Kol, who has a contemplative look on his face.
“So what did you and Alistair do then?”
“A lot of our time was spent at church. It took months for me to convince my mom to let me go out to eat with him after church. No one was more surprised than me when she finally agreed. I kept pushing, so I think she could tell that I wasn’t letting it drop.”
Once the words are out of my mouth, it dawns on me that I could have done the same when she confronted me about Kol. I could have begged and pleaded for her to let me see him again to see if he had an explanation for everything she’d told me. I know why I didn’t… maybe it’s time he understands too.
“Kol, there’s something you should know.”
He pulls us to a stop with our joined hands. His forehead is wrinkled, and I can tell he has no idea what I’m about to say. “What?”
“The reason why what my mom told me affected me so much…” I nibble on my bottom lip.
He squeezes my hand. “Just tell me.”
“I was conceived the night my mother was raped by a man she was out on a date with.”
White-hot anger burns in his eyes. “How did you find out?”
I sigh. I hate talking about this on a good day, but at a time when I’m hiding out from my mother, it’s a reminder of how much she loves me, how much emotional turmoil she went through to have me…
“I got nosy once when I was younger and went through all the photo albums. I realized there weren’t any pictures of my mom when she was pregnant and none of me when I was an infant. When I asked my mother, she got upset and told me never to ask again. But me being me, I wouldn’t let it drop, and she eventually admitted the truth. She found it so hard to come to terms with the reality of my conception that she couldn’t bear to take any pictures until I was a little older.”
Kol drops my hand and steps forward, tucking some of the hair that has escaped my braid in the warm breeze behind my ear. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. That must be a hard thing to deal with.”
I nod, tears building in my eyes. “My whole life, I grew up knowing and hearing about how violent and selfish and what liars men are. I was a by-product of that fact.” I look down between our bodies. “When my mom showed me all those articles about you and explained who you really were… I don’t know. It just felt like she was right. She was right, and I was the na?ve, sheltered little girl she’d been right about all along. I didn’t trust my own judgment.”
Kol tips my chin up with his finger. “I should have told you from the beginning who I was to the world. I’m the one who proved her right by lying.”
“I should have spoken to you before I ran away scared. I’m sorry I hurt you.”
Something flashes in his eyes, too quick for me to make sense of, and he places a slow kiss on my lips before he pulls away. “I’m sorry too.”
Having that off my chest feels so good. I feel better now that he knows, and I know, with his own background, he’s not likely to judge me for it.
“Ready to go get your first look at a real live horse?” he asks.
I appreciate his attempt at lightening the mood. “Giddy up!”
He chuckles and links our hands again before we continue down the path.
When we reach the stables and go inside, there are a couple of people working inside, but they quickly find something else to do outside. The building is far more expansive than I imagined. It’s a giant A-frame building built mostly of wood, and running down the point of the A are skylights that allow the sun in, if there were much to be had today. It’s much cleaner than I would have expected, and several horses pop their heads out from their stalls. One of them grabs all my attention.
“Oh wow. Who is this?” I can’t help but be drawn to the black horse with a coat that almost sparkles.
Kol steps up behind me. “That’s Asher’s horse, Poe.”
The horse is huge, way bigger than I expected, and when he brings his head up and down, I step back into Kol’s chest.
“He’s a little shit. Got loose the night of the storm. Took Jack and some of the other stable hands two days to get him back.”
I chuckle and look at the black beauty. I swear his eyes glimmer with amusement. “Can I… touch him? I mean, is that okay?”
“Sure.”
“Where should I touch him?” He seems like a nice horse, but he’s so big that it’s intimidating.
Kol walks closer to the stall. “Come here.” When I do, he positions me in front of him, and he strokes Poe’s neck. “Just do that. Only go with the direction of his hair. Ready?”
I nod, reaching up to the giant’s neck.
“Don’t be scared. He can read your energy,” Kol says.
I take a deep breath and pet him. To my surprise, Poe seems like he relaxes at my touch. I turn my head and smile at Kol. “I think he likes it.”
“What male wouldn’t like you running your hands over his body?” He squeezes my ass, and I yelp, causing Poe to nicker.
After Poe, Kol takes me around the rest of the stables to introduce me to the rest of the horses. All of them are beautiful in their own way.
“You want to take one for a ride?” he asks a while later.
My eyes widen. “Maybe another day. I think just saying hello is all I have in me today.”
The idea of being seated on the back of one of them terrifies me, but I want to. One day. I want to see if I love it or hate it. Whether I’ll be scared the whole time or able to get my nerves under control.
“That’s enough firsts for today?” He arches an eyebrow.
“You’re all about showing me my firsts, aren’t you?” I smile.
“I thought you knew that by now, Rapsody. I want all your firsts.”
I hold his gaze, and my heart swells with emotion. Lately, being with Kol has felt so much like when we were falling for each other before, but somehow even deeper. But I’m glad he said he wants all my firsts because it will make it easier to talk to him about what I want today.
“What’s going through that head of yours?” He taps my temple just below where my now-healed cut is.
I step into him and wrap my arms around his neck. “That’s exactly what I want. You to have my firsts. In fact… I want you to take me to bed. I want it to be you, Kol.”
I’ve never meant anything more in my life. I have no idea if this tryst with Kol is headed anywhere. I’m too afraid to ask. But I do know that I’ll regret it if anyone but him takes my virginity. That truth is embedded in my soul.
He tugs playfully on the thick braid that hangs down my back. “We’re getting there.”
“I’m serious, Kol. I don’t want to wait anymore.”
His smile fades. “If that’s really the case, there’s something you should know.” From the tone of his voice, it’s serious.
“Okaaaay, should I be scared?”
Instead of answering me, he unwinds my arms from around his neck and tugs me out of the stables. We walk in silence for a few minutes until we come to a large tree that appears as if it’s been on the property for centuries, it’s so big. Kol sits down under it as though to escape the sun even though the landscape is bathed in shadows from the thick clouds.
“You’re scaring me,” I admit once he’s seated across from me.
“I needed to make sure no one overhears what I’m about to tell you.”
“Still scared.” I chew on my bottom lip while I wait for him to fill me in.
“It’s about what you saw that Saturday night when I wouldn’t tell you what was going on.”
I exhale a sigh of relief though I really don’t know if I should. But just knowing the topic of our conversation alleviates some of my worries. “Alright.”
“I’m going to be blunt about it. I don’t know any other way to be, but what I tell you, you can’t share with anyone else. Ever. Understand?”
He’s serious. I don’t need to ask what the consequences will be if I do. It’s clear to me that they’ll be dire.
I nod. “I won’t say anything.”
He scrubs a hand over his face. “My brothers and I run a sex club out of the basement of the manor called the Ritual Room. It’s pretty much a meeting of the one-percenters of the world, and it runs one Saturday a month. That’s who you saw in the masks—some of our… guests. The club started by my father, and after he died, we carried it on because it gives us leverage and information on other wealthy families, which is never a bad thing if we need to use it.”
And here I thought it was a costume party he was embarrassed to bring me to. This is a whole other level. I sit stunned, trying to make sense of what he just said. He watches me silently while I sort through information and figure out what to say.
I probably shouldn’t be surprised that my mind snags on the fact that Kol is a member of a sex club. Kol has sex with other women in that club, right? The night I saw him…
“Do you… do you have sex at the club?”
He meets my eyes and doesn’t look away. “Yes.”
“Right, of course you do. I mean, look at you.” I motion to him while my stomach turns over on itself. “So the night I saw you, you…”
Jealousy rages like a beast in my chest, clawing to get out. I want to lash out and smack him, push him down onto the ground and pound away on his chest, but I have no right to.
He reaches for my hand, but I tug it away. Kol meets my gaze again with a frown. “I didn’t do anything that night. I tried. I wanted to, if just to prove to myself that you didn’t still have a hold on me, but I couldn’t do it. There’s a ceremony that happens every year, and I’m usually the one leading it, but this year…” He shakes his head almost as though he’s disappointed with himself. “I just couldn’t. Sid took over for me.”
My stomach settles with that knowledge, and I can think a little more clearly. “Everyone had masks on. Why?”
“Each color mask denotes something different. White is a watcher, red is a waiter, and black is a doer.”
“But the mask in your hand and Sid’s mask were gold.”
A small smile tilts up the corners of his lips. “We’re special. We’re the founders.”
I nod, putting all the information together. “I get the watcher thing, but what do the waiter and doer mean?”
“People in the red masks haven’t decided what they’re up for that night. It’ll depend on what opportunities present themselves. Anyone can suggest something to someone in a red mask, and they might decide to join in, maybe not. The people in black masks are down for anything. You don’t have to get their consent for each thing. They want people to do whatever they want to them. It’s part of what gets them off.”
“So which are you?” I hold my breath, waiting for him to answer. I haven’t even had sex. I don’t know what I would classify myself as. I’m so out of my league right now.
He tilts his head. “What do you mean?”
“You have a gold mask. Are you usually in a white, red, or black mood?”
“If you’re asking what I like to do when I’m down in the club, it’s simple. I like to fuck in front of everyone else. I want to be the one to put on a show. I’m an exhibitionist.”
It’s not what I expected him to say. Knowing Kol, I wouldn’t have thought he’d want to be the center of attention, but maybe that’s the only place he feels comfortable exploring that side of himself.
I try to push away the images of Kol having sex with other women while people watch. It’s nearly impossible. How will I ever think of anything else now?
“Why are you telling me all this? I’m glad you did, but I guess I don’t understand what it has to do with me asking you to take my virginity.”
“You should know the man you’re asking, that’s why.”
In some weird, messed up way, I find it kind of sweet. Jeez, what is happening to me that I even think that?
My head drops, and I push my fingers into my hair, before pulling them out and probably making a mess of my braid. “So you’re telling me because you want me to know that even after you take my virginity, you’re going to sleep with other women once a month in the club, is that it?” My stomach sours.
He scowls. “No, I’m telling you because I want you to join me in the club.”
Oh hell. I want the experiences, and I want to live, but does he even understand what he’s asking of me?