12. Illiana
Sitting on Lach’s patio, looking out as the moon shines brightly on the ocean, waves crashing on the shore, salt staining my cheeks from all the tears I cried, I can feel Jaxon all around me. He’s in my head. That letter fucking destroyed me. I swear I could feel him sitting right here next to me while I was reading it. There was a lingering scent of his cologne present in the humid Florida air, mint and spice all around me. I know it was just my imagination playing tricks on me, but I swear he’s alive, not just in my head, but in my heart. He’s running through my damn veins. Maybe he’s the poison and not me. I feel infected from the inside out. It just doesn’t feel like he’s gone. If he was truly gone, wouldn’t I feel it in my heart, in my fucking soul? Someone please help me. I can’t do this. I can’t live like this. My baby girl shouldn’t have to grow up without her daddy. He should fucking be here to help me deal with the shit that he’s caused.
One thought that keeps drifting through my head is that he said Lachlan loves me. How the hell can he say that, especially while writing me a letter like that? Of course, he loves me. We’ve been best friends for years. I love him too. That kiss we shared earlier should not have happened, though. Don’t get me wrong, it makes me feel some kind of way. Butterflies took flight in my stomach, wings fluttering to an unstoppable beat. It’s not right though. Lach was one of Jaxon’s best friends. I feel like it’s a disgrace to his memory, and doing it on the day of Jaxon’s funeral has me all sorts of fucked up. That can’t happen again. It won’t! I refuse to go down that path again. But the kiss was so damn tender and his lips were so fucking soft. I’ve never had a kiss like that, not even with Jax.
I’m a good woman and I know that, but how could he ever think about asking me to take care of a baby that he created with another woman? Christina is a conniving snake and I do feel sorry for her baby, but… I don’t know if I can do that for him. Why would I do anything for him when all he did was ruin me, ruin us, ruin what we had? The fact that I already knew all about his cheating and didn’t get to confront him is eating at me. It’s slowly destroying me. He was waiting for the other shoe to drop. What the fuck! I should have listened to my gut all of those years ago. Maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation right now. Don’t think like that because you wouldn’t have Blakely. But I can’t help thinking about the what ifs. He took my decisions away from me when he withheld the truth. I deserved to know. And there’s no doubt in my mind that if I knew, I would have left his ass. I wasn’t raised to tolerate a man who disrespects me and cheats on me. Seeing how my dad treated my mom, I made a promise to myself that I would never let a man treat me like that. Not that I can remember much of anything. But I’ve heard all the stories from Auntie Lena. Fuck, Lena is going to be destroyed by what her son has done.
There will be life after him. I don’t know how I’ll survive it, but I will make damned sure it happens, for me and for Blakely. I won’t let this destroy me.
“You okay out here, baby doll?” Damn, I didn’t even hear the door opening. Wiping my cheeks, I slowly turn to look over my shoulder. Lach looks tense as fuck, hands clenched at his sides. Knowing him like I do, he looks super freaking pissed off and if I had to guess why, I’d say it’s because of this letter. He’s never wanted to see me hurt or upset.
Packing away all of my thoughts for later, I say “I’m okay for now but could you please take me home Lach?”
“Yeah, come on, let’s get you home to Blake. It’s late, and she’s probably asleep, but I know you need to make sure she’s alright.” Lach holds out his hand for me and I accept it willingly. When I rise, he pulls me into a tight embrace. All of my thoughts and pain vanish, if only for just a moment, suspended in time. But it’s a moment that I desperately needed. Melting into his grasp, I take a deep breath, inhaling his calming scent of sandalwood and vanilla, letting its effects wash over me, and then I step back, letting him go. A tortured expression crosses his face, but it’s gone in an instant. If I wouldn’t have been paying attention, then I would not have even seen it. There’s a harsh coldness that washes over me, but I push my thoughts about it away. It’s a thought to analyze another time.
So caught up in my own thoughts, I almost trip on a wooden slat on the deck. Lachlan’s reflexes are lightning fast. He reaches out with a quickness, keeping me on my feet. Holding onto me, he kisses the top of my head and then whispers, “be careful baby doll. Wouldn’t want you getting yourself hurt.” The deep timber of his voice causes goosebumps to pop up all over my arms and a shiver trails down my spine. Damn him and his touch, his voice, his everything. I need to get away from Lach before I do something that I can’t take back, something that I’m certainly not ready for.
“I’ll be more careful,” I whisper softly. He just nods and opens the patio door. We head through the condo, then out the front door. Before I know it, we’re back in his truck and headed to my house. Luckily, it’s pretty late at night. During this time of year traffic can get ridiculous with all the out of towners here on vacation. It takes about twenty minutes to get to my house on Okaloosa Island. Pulling up, I’m immediately consumed with dread. Walking into this house, surrounded by all of his things, is beyond painful each time I have to do it. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to do this, to live here in a house that’s haunted by his ghost.
“Thanks for the ride, Lach. I will call or text you later. Right now, I just don’t have the mental capacity to talk about the stuff that we need to discuss. I’ll grab my clothes and shoes from your house later. Love ya.” Opening the truck door, I hop out and close the door behind me before he can say anything or try to stop me. He sits in the driveway until I’m inside the house. As I’m locking my door, I can see the lights from his truck backing out of the driveway.
Leaning my back against the door, I take a deep breath and squeeze my eyes shut. I dread sleeping in my bed, in a bed where I slept with HIM, where I know he fucked HER too. It’s a total mind fuck. Looking down to slide my slippers on, my eyes catch on a well-worn pair of Jaxon’s army boots. In an instance, my world collapses all around me. This pain will never end. With his boots sitting by the door, it makes me feel like I’m just waiting for him to come home, waiting for his feet to fill these boots once more. Please save me. God, I need someone to save me from this pain that I feel deep down in my soul. Where’s this God that I’ve believed in for so many years? “HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME? WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU?” The God that I’ve been led to believe in isn’t supposed to ever give you more than you can handle. Well…here I am begging for someone to help me because this is definitely more than I can handle. I’m just not strong enough. The need for something to help numb the pain is at an all-time high. Since I found out about Jaxon cheating on me, I’ve drank more wine than I ever have in my entire life. Wine isn’t what I need tonight, though. But first I need to tuck in my baby girl. It’s my job to make sure that she’s safe now.
Heading into Blake’s room, she’s snuggled up with her teddy bear. Shit, Jax left her a teddy bear. Running out of Blakely’s room and into Jaxon’s office, I have one thing on my mind. I need to get the teddy bear and put it in the bed next to her. She needs to wake up with that bear next to her in the morning. Opening his office door, I just stand and stare into the darkness. The smell of his cologne lingers. It’s stronger than it was the last time I was in here. Damn my mind for playing tricks on me. It’s almost like he’s sitting in his office chair, waiting for me to give him a hug like I’ve done for years. But I know that’s not true. I’m stuck dealing with the aftermath of his betrayal, and it cuts deep. Finally, taking a step into the room, I walk over to the closet, flip the light switch and stop in my tracks. I could have sworn that Jax had military gear in here, but there’s nothing. My mind is really fucking with me now. But I don’t have time to dissect where his gear has gone, nor do I fucking care. Reaching up to the top shelf, I can see the bear’s legs sticking out from behind a box. In my haste to get the bear down, I knock the box to the floor. I don’t look to see what the contents of the box are. That’s a problem for another day. Right now, my focus is on this damn teddy bear. Grabbing the bear’s foot, I pull it down and clutch it to my chest. What’s wrong with you? Don’t do it. It’s just going to make you hurt even more. I know what you’re thinking, Illiana. Don’t do it! Please don’t do it. But I guess I’m a glutton for punishment because I squeeze the damn bear’s chest. Jaxon’s voice fills the room. “Always remember that daddy loves you, my sweet little angel baby. You are the light of my life.” I press it again and again, needing to hear his voice one more time.
“I fucking hate you for doing this to me, Jaxon McBride,” I sob. Hugging the bear close to me as I cry. Tears fall down my face and my body shakes as my cries turn into wracking sobs. Move, Illiana, get the fuck out of this room. You can do it. Be strong. Be strong for you and Blakely. Finally, listening to myself for once in my goddamn life, I flip the light switch off, and leave the room, closing the door behind me. Walking across the hall to Blake’s room, I quietly sneak in and put the teddy bear right next to her little sleeping body. She looks so fucking peaceful. If only it would always stay that way. After laying the bear down, I walk out of her room and quietly close the door behind me.
Walking down to the kitchen, and grabbing my wine from the fridge, I set it on the counter while I grab a glass. Actually, a glass will not be enough for me tonight. Setting the glass down on the counter, I pick up the bottle and head to my bedroom. It’s time to numb my pain the best way I know how. “Wait, a second. Didn’t you have pain pills from when you hurt your knee, Jax? You’d put them in the medicine cabinet, away from Blake.” Setting my wine down on the nightstand, and going into the bathroom, I open up the medicine cabinet and, sitting right in front of my face, is a bottle full of pain killers. “It’s practically full because you didn’t enjoy taking them. You always had to have a clear head, didn’t you? Maybe you needed a clear head to keep all of your lies straight.”
Opening the bottle, I pour two white tablets into my palm. You need to numb the pain, Illiana. Laying the pills on the counter, I close the bottle and then shut the cabinet. Picking up the pills off the counter and flipping off the light switch, I move over to my nightstand. It’s now or never! Twisting the cork out with my teeth, I pop the pills into my mouth and down it with the wine. One sip isn’t enough, so I chug and chug until the bottle is empty. It wasn’t completely full to begin with because I had a glass last night. But it’s enough to do the trick. After setting the bottle back on the nightstand, I pull the pants off Lach gave me and then pull the blanket down on the bed. My head’s swimming already and it hasn’t even been twenty minutes. Closing my eyes, I see visions of myself on my wedding day, the look of pure happiness on Jaxon’s face, and then I turn to look at Lachlan. He looks sad, so so sad, but I’m too numb to care right now. This feeling, this is what I need, completely and totally numb. As thoughts of Lach’s sad face drift off into nothingness, I succumb to a deep, dark sleep where nothing can ever hurt me again.