11. Jaxon
Illiana,
My dear, sweet angel. There are so many things that I need to tell you. If you are receiving this letter, that means that I won’t be coming home from this deployment. I tried, I really did. And I can’t possibly tell you how sorry I am for not making it back to you. I wanted to be there for you and Blakely more than you could ever know.
But there are many things that I’m sorry for. I’m sorry that I won’t be there to watch our daughter grow into a beautiful woman, just like her mother. You are the epitome of a wonderful mother, Illiana. You haven’t just been a great mother; you’ve been an amazing wife. I just neglected you. You unknowingly sat at home all these years, being a great wife, waiting for me, always waiting for me.
There’s no doubt about it, I have been one lucky bastard for having you by my side. I’m sorry that what I’m about to tell you will ruin the memory that you have of me. It’ll tarnish everything that we’ve built. It appears as though what we’ve built has been based on lies and that’s all on me. Please remember that I love you with my whole heart, Lia. I’ve loved you since I was a dumbass pubescent boy. That love never changed, but over the years, I didn’t love you the right way, the way you’ve deserved to be loved. There are many things in my life that I regret, but knowing that I’ve hurt you and am hurting you is the absolute worst one of all.
What I’m about to tell you isn’t your fault. You’ve been perfect. You’ve always been perfect. And maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I had the idea that I’d never measure up and never be who you needed me to be. Over the years, I’ve clipped your wings and that shouldn’t have happened. I know that I’ve held you back from reaching your full potential, from being the amazing woman that you were destined to be.
You don’t know this, but all of these years I’ve spent time running away from you when I should have been running towards you. Instead of running into your waiting arms, I have been running to other women. Maybe I felt like they could give me something that I couldn’t get from you. Now I know how stupid I’ve been. It’s too late; I can’t go back and right all the wrongs and sins that I have committed against you and our vows.
There were women in Colombia that I had relationships with. I was secretly always waiting for the other shoe to drop. One day, I just knew that you’d find out, and I’d lose you. I have deserved to lose you for years. Colombia wasn’t the only time that I have been with other women. Fuck! I hate myself, Angel. I really fucking do.
I’m sure you remember meeting Christina when you came to visit me while I was in AIT. She’s been around throughout the years, too. She sank her claws in, deep! So deep that I couldn’t pull them out. I’ve never loved any of these women, Angel. You need to know that. I’ve always loved you and only you. But I can’t sit around and make excuses for my selfish behavior anymore. Christina says that she’s pregnant.
Fuck, I hate not being there so we could work through all of this. I don’t know if she’s really pregnant and if she is, I’m not sure if I’m the father. We always used protection, that’s not an excuse. But even protection is not 100 percent. I shouldn’t have been with her at all. I can sit around and make excuses for all the shitty stuff that I have done but there’s no use for that now. It will do neither of us any good.
You need to know the truth. Christina isn’t a good person. I hate to ask this of you but you’re an amazing person with the biggest heart that I know. If this baby is mine, please find a way to get custody of them. She’ll taint them, ruin them. If anyone can love this baby like their own, it’s you.
I hate to put this on you but I don’t trust anyone else, aside from Lach. He’s a good man. He has been a great friend to you over the years. Please don’t be afraid to ask him for help if you need it. He’ll do it because he loves you and I’m okay with that. Hell, maybe he can love you better than I ever did.
Stay away from Ben. If he comes snooping around, please ask Lach for help. Ben isn’t a good guy and I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t notice it before. Or maybe I did, but I was just too damn foolish to pay attention or do anything about it. Once I fell into his trap, I was stuck. There was no getting out.
My will is in the top drawer of my desk. Everything goes to you and Blakely. I paid off the house without your knowledge. All of my life insurance will go to you. There was a bank account created for Blakely’s college fund. Your names are on there and all the information is with my will, too.
My attorney will be in contact with you at some point. Mr. James has been handling my affairs for a while now. Going into the pre-planning phases for this deployment, I didn’t have a good feeling about how things were going to play out. There was this feeling deep in my gut that told me I would not make it. It felt like my time was coming to an end. I needed you to be protected and safe. I’m sorry that I went behind your back, but I had your best interest as well as Blakely’s in mind.
Always remember that I love you, Lia. I’ve loved you in this life and I’ll love you in the next. You tethered your soul to mine when we were children, and nothing will ever change that.
Be happy! You deserve it more than anyone that I know. Please save a small space in your heart for me. When Blakely is older, tell her the truth. But try to keep my memory alive with her for just a little while. I bought her a bear before I left. It’s hidden at the top of the closet in my office. When she squeezes it, it’ll be my voice telling her how much I love her.
I love you, Illiana. Please never forget that. One day, when the time is right, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
Yours Always
-Jax