Chapter 5
CHAPTER 5
SHEA
I haven’t felt this bad in years.
Not physically sick, although my stomach has been doing acrobatics ever since Oliver came over last night. And I’m more tired than usual, but that’s no doubt attributed to the hours I spent staring at the ceiling instead of sleeping.
No. This yucky feeling is all in my head and heart.
It all started when I saw Oliver at the Hop-less Horseman and went downhill from there. All the emotions I thought I had a handle on—guilt, sorrow, and aching regret—came right back the moment I set eyes on him. And with them, this desperate wish that things were different. That I’d done things differently.
When I think back to how I told Jade I was moving on, even dating, I feel like a fraud. I didn’t want to date those men, but I thought it was something I should do to prove I was over my ex.
What a joke. I felt more in the ten minutes Oliver was here last night than in all those dates combined.
And while he was here, telling me he was worried and wanted to check on me in person, I made a critical mistake.
I let myself hope. Just for a second, I thought there might be a chance to fix things.
How stupid was that?
After what I did to Oliver, it’s no wonder he basically sprinted out of my house after I asked him to stay.
What was I thinking? That he’d want to hang out? Order dinner and watch a movie like we used to? Talk about our lives and all the things we missed hearing about over the last four years?
Anyway, for all I know, Oliver has a girlfriend. A fiancée. He could even have a wife, though I didn’t see a ring. But if he’d just gotten off his shift, he might not wear it on duty. His wedding band could be sitting at home on a dresser in the bedroom he shares with his beautiful wife who never ripped out his heart and stomped on it.
Ugh. I’m supposed to go to work and meet with a new client to discuss a series of e-learning modules. Not sit here obsessing about my ex.
And speaking of work…
The little alert on my phone chimes, letting me know someone’s at the door. A glance at the little video display shows Nora standing on the front step, her red hair woven into a long braid, her posture alert and her gaze constantly moving. Searching for a possible threat, I’m sure, just like Niall always does when we’re out anywhere.
As I grab my lunch bag, I activate the intercom on my phone and say, “I’ll be right there, Nora. One second.”
Unbothered, she replies, “No rush, Shea. Take your time.”
But I won’t. I already feel guilty about making Niall’s teammates drive out here to take me to work and back. The last thing I want is to make Nora wait.
Hurrying to the door, I unlatch the three complicated locks Leo installed on top of the regular ones I already had. While they take a while to manage, I do feel much better because of them. Because while I assured Niall and Jade and Oliver that I’m totally fine , that’s not quite the truth.
I may also be tired because of the whopper of a nightmare I had last night. A nightmare where my attempts to stop the two men were thwarted easily, one of them shooting me while the other grabbed Jade and threw her in the van. I woke up on a muffled scream after that, still half caught in the dream and convinced I’d failed my best friend and brother.
So yeah, I’m not at my best today.
A point brought home by the concern in Nora’s eyes as soon as she sees me. Her eyes narrow just the slightest bit, quickly assessing, before she shifts to a bright smile. “Hi, Shea. How are you doing today? Everything at the house alright?”
As she hustles me to her car, I flash what I hope is a convincing smile at her. “I’m good. Everything at the house is great. No problems at all. Thanks for picking me up. How are you doing?”
Hmm. That might have been too enthusiastic.
“I’m good, Shea.” Nora opens the passenger side door and gestures for me to get in, which feels a little weird, but I guess it goes with the whole bodyguard slash protection thing. “And it’s no problem bringing you to work. It’s just a quick trip from B and A.”
The car is quiet for a minute as Nora pulls out of my driveway and maneuvers her way through the winding roads of my development. Once we’re on Lake Street, headed south into White Plains, where my office is, she glances over at me again, compassion in her gaze. “You know, it’s okay to not be fine.”
“I know,” I reply quickly, trying to keep my tone light. “But really, what do I have to complain about? A bruise? An upgraded security system?”
She pauses for a moment before answering. “I know we don’t know each other well. And I’m not trying to put my nose where it’s not welcome. But Niall’s a good friend of mine, like family, really, so that extends to you, too.”
“He always said such great things about all of you. Especially you, Nora. About how strong you are. So determined.”
A small smile lifts her lips. “Determined, yes. Strong? I tried to be. But no one can be strong all the time. No matter who they are.” After a beat, she adds, “What you did the other night? Fighting off those men? That was really impressive, Shea.”
My cheeks warm, but it’s the uncomfortable kind of blush, like I’m being complimented on something I don’t deserve. Turning to look out the side window, I reply, “I didn’t really think about it like that. Just… Jade was there. And you know what she went through. I couldn’t…”
“I know.” We slow to a stop at a traffic light, and Nora scans the cars around us. Apparently satisfied that no one is about to leap from their vehicle and accost us, she returns to the conversation. “It doesn’t matter what the reason is. What matters is you stepped up. Protected Jade. Elle. Yourself.”
“I guess.” But I don’t feel very impressive. I feel weak and sad and guilty and… lonely.
“Shea.” Nora’s voice gentles. “You can tell me to butt out. But… Maya mentioned something. About you and Oliver.”
My stomach squinches into a knot. “Yeah. We used to date. Years ago.”
“That must have been tough, then. Seeing him, especially after everything that happened that night.”
My first instinct is to deny it. Tell Nora it wasn’t a big deal. But.
The pain inside me keeps getting bigger, heavier, and more suffocating. And Nora’s so nice, and I remember Niall telling me how she and her husband Jackson went through a bad breakup before getting back together…
“It was hard,” I admit. “We hadn’t spoken in years. And seeing him like that, all upset, not at my best…”
“I’m sure he wasn’t thinking about that.” Accelerating through the green light, Nora glances at the map on the dashboard before continuing, “He was probably just glad you were okay.”
I let out a short laugh. “Maybe in the moment he was. But after…” Sorrow rises up again, making my nose prickle. “I don’t deserve his concern, Nora. Not after what I did.”
In profile, her lips press into an unhappy line. Her jaw sets. Spotting my office building just up on the right, she signals, then executes the most perfect parallel parking job I’ve ever seen. Once she puts the car in park, she turns to me with a solemn expression. “That’s what I thought about Jackson. Years ago, I hurt him badly. And I never explained why. I didn’t think I deserved to be with him. And the guilt…”
“But you’re together. Married. So you worked it out.”
“Yes, we did. But we lost years because I was too afraid to tell him the truth.”
Ouch. It’s painfully close to my own story. But Niall wouldn’t have told her. Not about that. Neither would Jade. So it’s just a strange coincidence.
“Anyway.” Nora glances at the clock. “I don’t want to keep you from getting to work on time.” As she grabs the key fob, she adds, “Wait for me to come around. I’ll walk you inside.”
As she bustles me into the office building, all business again, I’m certain the conversation is over. That I’ll have yet another thing to think about instead of the job I’m here to do. But just before I head to the elevator, she touches my arm. “I’ll just say this. I saw Oliver’s face when he came into the Hop-less Horseman. His expression when he saw you. Whatever happened between you two, he definitely still cares about you.”
All through my morning, that last part keeps spinning around in my head.
I saw his face. His expression when he saw you.
He still cares about you.
And then what Nora revealed about her relationship with Jackson.
As I sit through my meeting, listening to the client outline his expectations and the target audience and how long he wants each informational module to be, my mind keeps wandering back to it.
I didn’t think I deserved to be with him. We lost years because I was too afraid to tell him the truth.
It’s like she reached into my head and pulled out my own thoughts.
I didn’t think I deserved to be with Oliver back then. I’m still not sure I do.
Oliver was the strong one. Brave. Smart. He dedicated his life to making the world a safer place.
And what did I do? Worked at a job I didn’t love because I was too chicken to follow my dreams. Focused on the tiny things that seemed so important but really meant nothing. Ruined the best relationship I’ve ever had because I was?—
“Shea?” My coworker, Talia, walks over and rests her hand on the wall of my cubicle. “How’s it going?”
As I look up from my laptop, her gaze jumps to my swollen cheek. Her smile disappears and her eyes go wide. “Shea! What happened? Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine.” And also feeling a bit like a parrot considering how many times I’ve repeated the same thing. With a little laugh, I add, “Just a little bruise. That’ll teach me to go down in the basement without turning the lights on.”
No, I’m not telling all the people at work what really happened. My boss knows, because I needed to explain why the security guards shouldn’t let anyone in to see me. And why they need to be extra cautious about visitors, making sure to double check everyone’s identification before letting them in.
But to tell all my coworkers Oh, yeah, the other night? I decided to throw a chair at a would-be abductor slash criminal and I got punched as a result? Maybe not. I’d prefer to maintain my reputation as even-keeled, dependable Shea, who can always be relied on to meet deadlines and never cause any drama.
“Oh, Shea.” Talia claps her hand over her mouth. “That’s awful. And it looks so painful…”
“It’s not,” I lie, forcing my smile to stay steady. And I make a mental note to try a different concealer tomorrow, since obviously this one isn’t helping.
“Well.” She takes a second to collect herself. “I was wondering if you wanted to grab lunch? I’m craving sushi, and there’s that place on Maple that just opened. It looks like they have some good lunch specials. What do you think?”
Normally, I’d say yes. While Talia isn’t a close friend, I enjoy spending time with her, and we’ll often get lunch or go out for happy hour on the days I come into the office. But somehow I don’t think that fits in with the whole not going anywhere without an escort thing.
“Not today,” I reply, making an apologetic face. “I just met with a new client and I want to get going on the project. So I think I’m going to work through lunch today.”
“Okay.” A beat, and then, “What about happy hour? Janet in HR was telling me that she saw some good-looking guys at the Olde English Pub the other day. Maybe we could go take a look?”
As the only good-looking—strike that, incredibly handsome—man I can think about is currently in Sleepy Hollow, I wouldn’t be interested anyway. But I’m not in the mood to get into a long story about my ex, or why I’m not allowed to go anywhere without a bodyguard, so I cast about for a believable excuse.
“Oh, Talia, I wish I could. But I have an appointment after work. Maybe another time?”
Her smile flickers for a second before reappearing. Then understanding darkens her gaze. “Of course. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She pats my shoulder. “With the bruise and all. We’ll go next week instead, okay?”
“Okay.” Assuming this whole situation is resolved, that is.
“Alright.” She glances at her watch. “I’d better get going or I’ll miss the lunch specials.”
“Go,” I urge with a smile. “You’ll have to let me know how the sushi is.”
But once she’s gone, all pretense of cheer fades. I touch my cheek lightly, the bruise throbbing from the effort of smiling. A weight settles onto my chest.
And my mind wanders right back to where it was before Talia showed up.
To Oliver. To his unexpected appearance at my house last night. To the way he rushed out, like he couldn’t get away fast enough.
But then another memory slides in.
Oliver standing by the bookcase, the tips of his ears slightly pink, a hint of vulnerability in his eyes as he said, “I know I should have called. Texted. Not just shown up like this. But I couldn’t stop thinking ? —”
Couldn’t stop thinking about what? The incident at the Hop-less Horseman? The case?
Or was it possible he was thinking about me the same way I was about him?
Is it possible?
Is there some sliver of a chance that I didn’t wreck things beyond repair?
As I scroll through my emails—not reading a single one, but at least it looks like I’m working—I think about what Nora said again. That she was too afraid to tell Jackson the truth.
Logically, I know the ship has sailed on a relationship with Oliver. It’s been too long. I’m sure he’s moved on.
But maybe… we could be friends. Maybe one day, I could explain. Maybe I could have him back in my life again.
Before I lose my nerve, I grab my phone and type out a text.
Hey. I was just thinking. We didn’t really get a chance to talk last night. And I’d really like to hear about your job. Catch up. If you’re interested…
Then I hit send.
A moment later, I wonder if my phone has the option to unsend a text. It must. Don’t all iPhones have that option?
My heart pounding, sweat prickling along my back, I scan the messages app, searching for how to delete the message before Oliver reads it. There has to be a way.
Apparently I’m a dope, because I can’t figure it out. So I start searching on my computer, my chest getting tighter by the second.
But just as I think I might have found something, my phone dings with an incoming text.
Augh . He’s going to say no, and I’m going to feel like the worst kind of fool.
Holding my breath, I read his reply.
I’d like that. Are you free tonight?
Oh.
My heart leaps before I sternly command it to settle. Remind it that a friendly meeting is just that. It doesn’t mean anything more.
Throwing caution to the wind, I send my response.
Yes. I’ll be at work until five. But I could meet after that.
Three dots blink for several seconds.
That works. I’m on day shift again, so I’m done at four. How about if I pick you up from work instead of one of the B and A guys? We can grab something to eat and I can take you home after.
Before I can reply, another text appears.
If you trust me to protect you instead of them, of course.
I snort loudly, earning a few curious looks from people in the surrounding cubicles. Do I trust Oliver to protect me? Is that a rhetorical question? He’s tied with Niall for the two men I trust to protect me more than anyone.
A genuine smile teasing my lips, I reply to his message.
Of course I do. And that sounds perfect.
A moment later, his reply appears on the screen.
Great. I’ll come inside to pick you up. See you then.
Oh.
I shouldn’t let myself hope. I know I shouldn’t.
But I can’t help it.