31. Cole
31
COLE
I went straight to the family waiting area just outside the emergency department and locked myself in and paced. I'd been reactionary with Rose when I should've taken a moment to recognize that she was under duress. Several deep breaths helped me start to calm down, but nothing had prepared me for seeing her there struggling.
Twenty-four weeks pregnant? That meant she had been carrying her secret for more than half her pregnancy all alone while I acted like a fool. I was so stuck in my own world, wrapped up in drama and frustration, half-drunk all the time, and ignorant of anything and anyone else around me. I noticed she'd gained a little weight, but I thought it was because of stress too. I never even stopped to really notice her.
And we hadn't had sex in at least seven weeks. When we did, I thought I noticed changes to her body, but she said nothing, and I just wanted to forget everything to be with her. Now all those clues were falling into place. She was more tired. She'd been sick off and on. She refused drinks with me, which at the time I thought was just her wanting to maintain composure to care for me, but even that was me being selfish. I never stopped to ask her.
And twins? Holy shit.
I ran a hand through my hair and shook my head. Then I walked to the wall and pressed my forehead to it, splaying my arms on either side of me parallel to my body. My hands were fists, my shoulders tense.
Rose carried this secret on her own for at least four months, all because I was being a total jerk. I should have been there for her and taken care of her, and the entire time, she was cooking and cleaning for me and probably struggling emotionally to cope with things. I was so angry with myself.
Her words rang out in my memory. "Be the man you should be." It was exactly what I should be doing. I'd spent the past six months being haunted by things that in the grand scheme meant nothing. A job was just a job, and losing it—while it would hurt—meant nothing if the people around me whom I cared about were hurting. I was an idiot for placing more importance on whether I could perform surgery again than Rose. She deserved better.
She deserved the man she desired. A man who would go to bat for her, care for her, listen to her, and make sure she was safe and healthy. I had neglected it all thinking she was there for me, and in doing so, I was using her, taking her for granted.
Well, not anymore.
A moment of clarity hit me, and it wasn't because the lawsuit had been dropped or because I knew the treatments were never going to work. Rose wasn’t a last resort for me. She should always have been my first priority, right from the start. The moment I realized I loved her should have been the moment nothing else was more important, and I had failed her. But I wasn’t going to fail her now.
I unlocked the door and went straight to the elevators. I knew what I had to do, though I knew how difficult it would be. Since the moment I found out that it was likely that I'd be sued, Juan had tried to help me prioritize and stay calm. All of his advice seemed foolish for so long because I felt like he didn't understand what was really important. But he'd known all along. He knew a truth I was too blind to see.
Life was more than your job or how people saw you. I should've learned that when Kate died, but I used my job to catapult me back into my real life without her. Then I taught myself that the job would be here even when everyone else left. Now I was left with a broken paradigm that put everyone around me at arm's length just so I could maintain emotional control, and when the job was shaken, it was the people around me whom I needed. Not the work.
The elevator doors slid open when I pressed the button, and I stepped in. They closed around me in silence and carried me to the top floor of the hospital where the board and hospital administration offices were. It was almost lunch time now. It was possible they'd all be out, but I had to do this while I had the nerve or I'd never do it.
I marched right into Victor Ronald's office, and his eyes popped up from the desk behind which he sat. He smoothed his tie and scowled in annoyance at the interruption, but I walked in anyway.
"What is it, Dr. Hastings?" he asked, and I sucked in a breath to bolster my confidence.
"Sir, I have a few things to tell you, and then I have to tend to an emergency downstairs." I hoped to God Rose would still let me come see her. I knew I had screwed up, but nothing was more important to me than this.
"Well, what is it? I'm in the middle of things." His lips pursed, and I swallowed the knot constricting my throat.
"Sir, I want you to know that none of what I'm about to tell you has affected my work in any way, but I know hospital policy and I have to do this." I felt a little nauseous as I said, "I have had a few hand tremors going on lately. Nothing that would put my patients at risk in the past, but the treatments I've sought aren't helping. I can therefore no longer accept surgeries. I know what this means for my job here, but I felt you needed to know."
He looked surprised and even a bit disappointed, but I continued before he could say anything.
"And sir, I've been seeing a nurse who practiced here at Twin Peaks as well." I pressed my lips into a nervous line as a shadow washed over his face but I continued undeterred. "We've been on and off for a few months, and she quit, but I just wanted to set the record straight. I just didn’t want to jeopardize my career by confessing this during the lawsuit. Now, I have to go to emergency. The woman I love is going in for an emergency C-section, and I need to be there for her."
Victor was shocked. He sat there in a stupor as I turned on my heel and marched out. I never gave him a chance to respond because as far as I knew, it meant I'd be terminated, though I was sure they'd find a way to make it look Kosher so I couldn't sue. The tremors were enough to end my position as surgeon, and Victor would have no choice. I couldn’t do surgery, so I couldn’t be a surgeon.
"We'll need to talk about this!" he shouted after me, but I was already at the door, closing it.
My mind was on Rose. She wanted me to take responsibility and be the sort of man she needed, and that was what I was doing. What I should've done months ago.
By the time I got back down to the ER, she was gone. I walked into the exam room where she was and found Kiki standing with whom I could only assume was Rose's mother. Rose looked just like her, only younger, and she was crying softly.
"Oh, Doc… Uh, they took Rose up for a C-section. I was just going to show Mrs. Williams to the family waiting area." Kiki smiled at me politely. I'd seen her and Rose speaking on a number of occasions and thought how nice it was that Rose had finally decided to open up and become friends with one of her coworkers.
"Thank you, Kiki. I can handle this." I nodded at her as she offered a sympathetic look at Mrs. Williams and walked out.
"They said her kidneys are failing…" Rose's mom whimpered and sniffled. "If they don't do surgery, she'll go into renal failure."
I nodded knowingly, but my knowledge of how this worked didn't calm me at all. Losing Rose now after everything else would kill me. "She'll be alright," I said, taking her hand. "We have excellent doctors here."
My words were meant to encourage her, and all I felt was a knife in the chest. I couldn't lose Rose. Not now. Dear God, make sure she lives.