32. Rose
32
ROSE
I stirred awake mid-morning. My belly hurt so badly, I was whining and holding it, and Mom was there in an instant, asking the nurse for medication. She offered me water and pushed the hair out of my face. I probably looked disgusting, but moms don't care about that sort of thing.
"Hello, sweetheart," she said with a smile when I finally blinked all the way awake. Whatever the nurse put in my IV helped almost instantly, and the pain diminished rapidly.
"Uh…" I yawned and nodded. "Hi… where are the babies?" My mind immediately went to my newborns. With the obvious bulge of my belly gone, I knew the C-section was over, but a quick scan of my room revealed no bassinets or babies.
"They're in the neonatal intensive care unit." Mom sighed and patted my hand. "We can go see them. They've been there since the surgery." Her concerned expression made me worry a little. I tried sitting up on my own, but my stomach hurt so much.
"Are they okay?" I winced but managed to push myself upright.
"They're okay, Rose. They’re just very small and weak. They'll have to be in the hospital for a few weeks. You've been out for two days while your body recovered." Mom hovered by my side and doted on me, and I almost cried. Two days I'd been out? It felt like I just went to sleep.
I glanced around the room and saw a few empty coffee cups, revealing Mom had been here waiting with me. Her purse and jacket were on the fold-out bed, though it was currently in its couch form. And she had a bag of clothing on the floor near the tray table. It was so sweet of her to stay here.
"Your friend Alana stopped by too. She'll come back when you're feeling better." Mom looked around. "Let me get the nurse. We'll see if we can get you a wheelchair to go down to the NICU and see the babies." Mom patted my hand, and I reached for the glass of water next to me on the tray table.
My whole body felt like it had been put through a tumble dry setting in a dryer. I ached and hurt everywhere, but mostly my heart. Seeing that expression on Cole's face destroyed me. I knew it was my fault, too. My reception to his presence while I was struggling hadn't been the best, but I'd made it worse by having kept this secret to begin with. I knew I should've told him. I just thought I was helping and protecting him. Clearly, I was wrong.
Mom came back with a nurse who had a wheelchair, and they got me—very painfully—situated in it. I expected to see my tiny babies in incubators and hooked up to lots of wires and tubes. What I didn't expect was to have them wheel me into the NICU to see Cole.
He was hunched over an incubator with his hand in the side. His eyes were wide with love and affection and he didn't even notice when we entered. A few other nurses gave me wide-eyed expressions and scurried away to give us privacy, and Mom cleared her throat. She didn't act surprised to see him, though, so I wondered what had transpired while I was out.
"I'll leave you two alone," the nurse said, and Mom patted my shoulder.
"Me too, Rose. I'll come back in a few minutes. You two should talk."
Cole pulled his hand out of the incubator and turned to face me. He had an expression of remorse and guilt. He stood there clasping his hands in front of himself and seeming tense, and a thousand emotions washed over me in a spit second.
"Hi," he muttered, but it was weak. He acted like he didn't know how to behave around me, and that was fair. I'd bitten his head off last time we spoke.
"Hey…" I said, turning my eyes toward the incubator. I strained to see inside, but I was too far away.
Cole walked over to me and pushed the wheelchair closer, and I felt gratitude swell in my chest as my tiny babies came into view. Their little bodies were in the same incubator, snuggled together. They had on the tiniest diapers I'd ever seen, and wires really were connected to them at every spot imaginable. I never worked in a neonatal unit before, but it felt heartbreaking. I wondered how nurses did this every day.
"They're so perfect, Rose," Cole said, and I heard the emotion in his voice. He pulled a rocking chair up and sat next to me, and I reached into the incubator and through the gloved hole. I couldn’t touch their skin, but it was probably to keep germs out. They were only twenty-four weeks now.
"Oh, my God," I whimpered, and my eyes welled up with tears. They were so small they could fit in the palm of Cole's hand if he picked them up.
"Rose, I'm so sorry," he said, but he didn't look at me. He kept looking at the babies. "I've been so selfish and self-absorbed…" His head hung. "I kept things from you, and you deserved better. I should have been there for you."
My shoulders tensed, and I looked away from the babies to take him in. "Kept things?" I asked, but the shame on his face made me feel so bad for him too. I was the one who had kept things from him. I knew he was wrestling, and I just wanted to protect him.
Cole wrung his hands together and then lifted one up and held it out between us as he raised his eyes to meet mine. I noticed the tremor making his hand shake and shook my head.
"Essential tremors…" he said. "I've been having them for months. They're incurable. I'm going to lose my ability to do surgery, and probably my job. With the lawsuit and all of this tormenting me, I just got so carried away in my own problems that I never stopped to notice you." He reached up and cupped my cheek. "Can you ever forgive me?"
"Forgive you?" I said, feeling incredulous. "I think you need to forgive me. I was pregnant and I just never told you. You deserved to know." I blinked, and tears leaked out of my eyes onto my cheeks. I swiped them away quickly, but he shook his head.
"You deserved a safe place to confess this, and I didn't provide that for you, and I'm sorry." His hand caressed my cheek and he said, "I need you to forgive me because if we're going to move past this and have a future, I need to know that we can work through things."
I didn't know what to say. I felt overwhelmed and too emotional. Some of that was probably my hormones shifting wildly, but part of it was that I felt like I was the one who needed his forgiveness.
"I wanted to tell you so many times, but I watched how much you were suffering. I felt like you'd be more stressed about things. I didn't want to burden you more. I had no idea you were struggling like that." I thought about all the times I'd wanted to tell him, but looking back, I'd still have done the same thing. I cared about him, and adding more weight to his shoulders never felt like the right decision.
"It's okay. I'm here now. You're safe. They're safe, and we can try again." Cole's thumb traced over my cheekbone as he whispered, "I love you, Rose, and I want a life with you. Nothing is more important to me."
I nodded and leaned forward until my forehead pressed against his. After months of uncertainty and fear, I felt like things might actually be resolving. That we might actually have a shot at this. Fears still swirled around my mind like what if he really did lose his job? Where would he work? And who would provide for us if he had no job? But I knew we were both strong and determined people. We'd find a way.
Love always finds a way.