Sinful Touch : A Dark Professor Romance

42. Liliana

Istand still, feeling my entire body shake as the tears escape my eyes and roll down my face. I hate crying, but it is the only thing I can do, the only thing that will allow my body to remind me that, at this moment, I am still alive.

The cutting used to do that for me, and now it doesn’t do anything, nothing at all. My tolerance to the pain I can inflict on myself is so high that I know I need to do more to even get the release I need, the release that will make this throbbing pain in my chest go away.

Nothing, nothing will change what has happened to me, to Jax.

He went to prison because of me, because of Chad.

How did it get so out of hand?

How did it go from me turning down an advance to me almost dying and Jax going to prison for almost killing Chad?

I have run over everything a million times inside my head, and still, none of this makes sense to me.

I tighten my grip on the knife as I look into the mirror, the mirror that reflects all of the bruises, and blood from Chad. I can’t look into a mirror without being brought back to all the times he put his hands on me, all the times he told me that all I needed to do was get on my knees for him.

Maybe I should have just given him what he wanted, and none of this would have happened.

Jax is finally home, he is out of prison, and I thought things would get better, I thought therapy would help, but it didn’t, but then again I didn’t let it.

How could I open up like a wound and let my therapist know that ending my life is something I think about daily, that the cutting is not releasing anything anymore? Every time I went to visit Jax in prison, all I wanted to do was touch him, but the glass wouldn’t let us, and the guards wouldn’t let us.

How could I tell my therapist that this is what I deserve for being a disgusting little slut.

They didn’t want to hear the truth, the truth that is inside my mind. They would have locked me up. They would have told me that the medication would help me when really all it would have done was make me numb and dead inside even more than I already am.

They weren’t ready for my truth, so I kept quiet. Eventually, they pushed me off to someone else, but I never went back; there was no reason to.

There is no undoing what has been done to me, and talking about it was only going to make me more obsessed with what has happened to me.

Chad is locked away in prison, and still, he consumes me in every way possible.

He has won without even knowing it.

Ugly, you fucking slut.

You are a fucking slut.

What have you done Lilliana? Why did you let it get this far daughter.

Look at you, you’re letting yourself fall apart.

Going to visit your criminal boyfriend again? Yeah, that’s just what you need.

You made me do this, you made me this way, Lilliana, all you had to do was listen to me, all you had to do was get on your fucking knees.

Fat.

Ugly.

Gross, disgusting little girl .

Jax would be better off without me in his life, I am just going to hold him back, he just got out a few months ago, and he has been stuck in this house with me, he needs to be free from me. Everyone would be better off if I were just dead.

I lift my free arm and look down. I place the knife against my skin.

Horizontal is always to release my pain.

Vertical is when I want to end it when there is no other choice.

I don”t have a choice, if I don”t do it Jax will be locked in this fucking internal prison with me, he doesn’t deserve to live this way with an ugly, fat damaged girl.

I place the blade vertically against my skin and push down, applying the pressure I will need to take my life and rid this world of me.

I slowly back away from the mirror until my back hits the wall, and I slide down it. I look down at the blade against my skin. This is what is best for everyone. The world will be a better place without me in it.

Everyone will be in a better place without me.

I close my eyes and rest my head on the wall, and I slice down my arm.

I let out a scream as the blood leaves the wound and rolls down my arm towards my elbow.

Jax will put me on the cold ground, and then he can move on and have a good life.

I open my eyes and look down at my arm, the cut is deep, deep enough that I know I will bleed out, but it is not good enough. I place the blade in my shaky hand and place the blade against my other arm at the top right underneath the old scars on my wrist; I close my eyes and cut down my arm towards my elbow; another scream leaves me as I drop the knife.

I allow both of my hands to fall to my sides, I can feel the blood leaving me, soon I will drift away into the blackness, and soon Chad can no longer harm me.