Single Dad Seeking Love

16. Potholes

“Are we nearly there yet?”

My stomach twists and I reply, “Yes, we’re nearly there.”

“Yay!” sounds excitedly from the back seat.

Gravel crunches under the tyres as I try to avoid the potholes up the well-known road past fields and farm buildings. The poly pocket taped to the wall still hangs next to the reception that’s now closed for the autumn and winter months.

I park and get Adam out of the car, making sure his coat is zipped up. It’s so strange being here – it’s so quiet. Christ, what am I doing? I don’t even know if anyone is home.

“I thought I heard a car drive up.”

I startle and turn to the imposing figure standing behind me.

“Trev’r!”

My son is not as shocked as me, he runs the few steps to Trevor and hugs his knees. Trevor lifts Adam from under his arms and Adam gives him a proper hug.

“Hello there, Adam.”

Adam laughs and runs his palms down Trevor’s cheeks. “You’ve got beard!”

He has indeed. I didn’t think Trevor could look more handsome, but damn, that beard matures him in ways that sets my galloping heart on fire.

“What are you doing here?” Trevor asks Adam, but his electric blue eyes harden as they drift from my son to meet mine.

Adam takes it upon himself to answer, which may be a good thing as I’m struggling to breathe, let alone talk.

“I wanted to see Rosie, but Dad said ‘no’ because I’ve just started school. I’m in P1 and Miss Walker is my teacher, she’s very nice, but I can’t bring my Moo to school she said. And then today Dad said that we could go and see Rosie, he said maybe she wouldn’t be home, but we could try and if she wasn’t home, we could go and see if the cows were on the beach. Is Rosie home?’ All through his monologue, Adam caresses Trevor’s beard and he finishes with a giggle. “It’s so soft.”

“Rosie is home.”

“Is she?” He wriggles out of Trevor’s arms and runs back to me, beaming. “I told you she’d be home!”

I ruffle his hair. “You never lost faith.”

“Can we go see her? I need to pick some grass.”

Trevor chuckles. “She’s on the field behind the barn. We can pick some grass on the way. Have you got wellies?”

School has really done Adam good, he’s less clingy than only a couple of months ago, and he continues his lively chatter as we change footwear. Which is good, as the glances that Trevor sends me don’t encourage any conversation.

With Adam a few steps ahead of us, carefully picking the greenest straws of grass, Trevor breaks the silence.

“Why are you here?”

I swallow hard, missing the sarcasm that used to lace his words.

“I’ve told my family.”

“Told them what?”

“That I… That I’m gay.” I take a deep breath. “It’s still strange saying it out loud.”

He glances at me from the corner of his eyes. “So you’re finally out. Took you long enough.”

“Yep.” I nod, popping the p like a teenager. “Can’t say I’m loud and proud just yet, but… at least I’m no longer in denial.”

The silence stretches, and then he asks, “How did your family take it?”

“My brother said now we finally know why I’ve always been weird.”

“Gee, thanks, bro!” Trevor huffs and I chuckle, relieved by this tiny crack in his ice.

“Well, it was a refreshing change bantering with my brother instead of the deep ‘how are you really feeling’ conversations I had with my sisters.” The silence stretched again, so I continue, “The hardest – and probably best conversation – was telling my ex-wife. It explained so much for both of us, why we didn’t work. Yet… she now has to come to terms with having been married to a gay man for the last five years.”

“I can understand that’s kind of awkward.”

“I’ve told her she can tell our friends I’m bisexual. It may make it easier on her.”

“But you’re not…” Again that look through the corner of his eyes. “Bisexual?”

I shrug but keep his gaze that he barely gives me captive. “Maybe. I mean, I’ve cared deeply for every woman I’ve been with. But… none of them has made my heart beat… like that.” I try to laugh and say, “None of them gave me a hard-on while arguing.”

My heart thumps fast as his gaze darkens, but he turns away. I swallow tightly. I’m not sure what I expected coming up here, but this conversation is like pulling teeth.

“My self-discovery has led me to believe that…” I take a deep breath. “I felt lost and abandoned when my family moved to Australia. I needed the security blanket of another person close to me, so I was clinging tightly to my girlfriend, giving her all of me. When it ended, I jumped straight into another, just as consuming relationship, afraid to be alone, and never giving me time on my own to have a good look at who I am and what I really want. Perhaps, if I had moved with my parents, I would have had the guts to admit my sexuality a long time ago.”

A tiny nod is the only indication he’s listening to my rambling.

I rub my neck and force my hopeful words past my lips. “It took you, Trevor… to make me realise who I am.”

“And now that you’re out, have you…” There’s a darkness to his tone. “Have you been on any dates?”

“No.” I snort. “My ex tried to set me up, but there’s no point.”

“Why?”

“He’s not you.”

Trevor runs his hand over his face and beard. “Jamie…”

“I was hoping… I don’t know,” I stutter through my words. “If maybe you felt… as strongly about me as I do about you.”

“You broke my heart when I found out about you and Julie,” he seethes through gritted teeth.

I broke his heart. That means he had feelings for me, I wasn’t just a piece of ass as he claimed when he told me to leave. I knew it, knew it in my gut, but doubt has a tendency to cloud your emotions. I close my eyes and swallow. “I-I’m sorry.”

“It’s one thing denying you’re gay, I can get over that, but Julie…” He huffs and turns his head away from me. “It doesn’t matter what I feel. I’ll never do anything again that could hurt my family. Hurt Julie.”

I lower my head in defeat. An ache is spreading through my chest. Nothing has changed. This trip was futile.

“There are no more grass here!”

Turning my watery gaze to my son standing in a green field, I point to his right and say through the lump in my throat. “It looks like really juicy grass there.”

“Oh, yay!”

“You broke my heart,” Trevor repeats on a whisper. Then he straightens. “Adam, I think you’ve got enough. You want to go see Rosie?”

I sigh deeply. With my head hung low, I follow the two down the field.

My son’s wellies are covered in mud up to the edge as he shouts, “Rosie!”

The half-ton beast lifts its head, big brown eyes zooming in on my son. The smile on Adam’s face is one of utter devotion. I glance up at Trevor, finding his blue eyes already on me. My heart thumps against my chest, and I wish I was like Adam, his heart on his sleeve and arms full of grass, fearless in the presence of those he loves.

Adam is chatting all the way back to the car, telling us he’s certain Rosie knew who he was, how he would pick even nicer grass the next time. All the while Trevor and I entertain his chatter. I steal secret glances at the big man and find his gaze on me more than once. Hope is again rearing its head.

“We got you a present.”

“A present?” Trevor furrows his brows.

I open the boot of the car with Adam jumping excitedly next to me.

The big metal plate has two hooped hinges at the top corners. I hold it up for Trevor to see. His jaw goes slack.

“How… you… Did you make this?”

McBrideFarm Camping Glamping is written over two lines and next to it, the simple image of a cow.

“My oldest sister’s husband is a graphic designer. He made the template and sent it to a local company in Belfast that made it.”

Yeah, coming up here has been on my mind for a while and is not the spur of the moment thing that Adam made it out to be.

“That’s my drawing of Rosie.” Adam points at the cow.

“It’s true, it’s based on his drawing.”

“It’s beautiful, Adam, it looks just like Rosie.”

Adam’s grin covers his whole face.

Trevor grabs the sign with his strong hands, his eyes misting up. Then his gaze turns to mine and my heart stops.

“You did this for me?”

“Anything.” I swallow hard. “I’ll do anything.”

His features soften and the corner of his mouth tilts up. “Jamie… I can’t, Jamie.” The voice of this strong man breaks. My heart sinks. “I just can’t. Not while Julie…”

I swallow past the lump in my throat.

“I understand,” I whisper. Trevor tries to give me the sign back, but I shake my head. “No, keep it. You’ve done more for me than you’ll ever know.”

“Can I sleep in the little kids’ room tonight?”

I take a deep breath and try to smile at my son. “I’m sorry, Adam, but I don’t think we can stay over tonight. It’s time to go, buddy.”

There’s so much sadness in Trevor’s eyes, it breaks my already broken heart. He’ll never choose me over Julie. Strangely, it makes me love him more – he’s so selfless, he’ll sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of those closest to him. I can’t help but respect him for that. He puts the sign up against the wall and hugs Adam.

My voice is shaky. “Be good.”