17. Trevor
The last I see of Jamie is the rear brakes as the car turns the corner. I wince at the sound of the suspension hitting a pothole, and part of me hopes it will damage the car so he can’t leave me.
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to level my stuttered breathing. He came to see me, and he left. I made him leave. I hope I did the right thing. I did the right thing. I don’t want to hurt Julie. I imagine the pain in her eyes if she saw me with Jamie, and I know I did the right thing.
We haven’t talked much about Jamie since the summer, Julie and I. I had hoped that going to university may help ease her broken heart, but if she fell for him even a fraction of how I fell, then I know she’s suffering. It bloody hurts! My hands are tight fists in my pockets as barbed wire is pumping through my veins, bringing aching pain to every part of my body. Those few moments we had together this summer, under the stars, in the shed, I saw a future with hope, with laughter… and love. Even through Jamie’s reluctance and confusion, there was a connection between us that I’ve never experienced with anyone else. Will I ever find it again?
My head snaps up at the sound of an approaching car. My hands come out of my pockets and my heart hammers a hundred miles an hour. Then slows to a disappointing jog. An unfamiliar souped-up Honda rounds the corner.
My sister jumps out of the passenger side.
“Julie?”
“Hi big bro,” she grins. Her brown curls dance around her face as she skips up to me. The hug she gives me is one that I need more than she’ll ever know. If she notices that I hold her longer than normal, she doesn’t say, but she’s frowning when I finally release her.
“Was… was that Jamie Carson I saw in the car down the road?”
I suck in a deep breath. “Um, yes.”
“Oh, God, I feel so stupid,” she whispers and covers her face with her hands.
“What do you mean?”
Glancing at me through the gaps in her fingers, she says, “I was throwing myself at him this summer, but he said he wasn’t ready, with his recent divorce and all. And now he was here.”
“Yeah?” I swallow.
“It was just a summer flirt, Trevor, it wasn’t even a fling. Did he say anything? God, what if he’s ready now and wants us to date.” Her face twists.
“That would be a… bad thing?” I ask, not sure what’s going on here.
She drops her arms down her sides and shrugs her shoulders. “He’s really nice and all, you know, but he’s way, way too old and boring for me. And besides,” she does a discrete nod with her head and whispers. “This is Steve.”
“Who is Steve?” I glance over her shoulder to the young man shifting on his feet by the car.
“My boyfriend.”
Her boyfriend.
Boyfriend!
“Oh!”
“What the hell am I going to do with Jamie?” Julie whines while I’m trying to sort all this new information in my head. “I don’t want to break his heart…”
“He wasn’t here for you.” The last thing I want is Julie feeling guilty without reason. I clear my throat. “He was here for me.”
Confusion mars my sister’s face. “But…”
“We… um… He’s just out of the closet, Julie.”
It takes a few beats, but then her face beams as if the sun has taken residence. “Oh my God,” she squeals and claps her hands. “Oh-my-God, oh-my-God! My brother has a boyfriend!”
“What? No…” I’m stunned by her response and of some reason, my cheeks warm.
“You are perfect together!” She looks down the road as if he would magically appear. I do too. “Why did he leave?”
“I, um, I sent him away,” I stutter.
“Why?”
“I thought you had feelings for him, I didn’t want to hurt you again.”
“No way!” She gasps. “You sent him away because of my dramatic behaviour this summer?”
“Um, yes?” My head is starting to hurt.
“And what do you mean ‘again’?”
“You know, hurt this family… like I did when I sent Dad away.”
Her face falls and her beautiful blue eyes go glassy.
“You feel guilty about that?” she whispers.
I flinch. We’ve never spoken about this. Jamie is the only one I’ve ever confided in. “Dad got worse because of it.”
Her eyes narrow and her lips twist into a stubborn snarl.
“Trevor, you listen to me, and you listen good. You prevented disaster. If you had had to look after him here, you couldn’t have run the farm.” She stabs her finger in my chest. “We would have lost the farm, Trevor!”
“You don’t know that,” I say and find it difficult to meet her gaze.
Her voice softens. “You did what Dad would have wanted you to do. Dad would have done the same thing you did.”
My Adam’s apple is bobbing. “Maybe.”
“Not maybe, it’s the truth. And if you’re not in your car chasing after Jamie in the next five minutes, I’ll kick your arse so bad you’ll not be able to sit for a week.”
“I…” I pull at the neck of my sweater, hoping to make it easier to breathe. “I have the animals to tend to.”
Julie crosses her arms over her chest. “I’m here, I’ll do it.”
“I don’t know where he lives.”
“We have the address on our camping files.”
“I would have to drive through Belfast. Ouch!”
The kick up my backside did hurt.