Chapter 35
By the time I arrived at my parents’ beach house, I’d had time to think. Clearly, my parents said something to Jared last night that targeted all his insecurities. Enough so that it had obliterated months of evidence that proved I was all in and not going anywhere.
And then I’d just proven them right by throwing my ring at him and driving off all snotty and butt hurt, my mother’s Italian fire flaring to the fore. Instead of thinking rationally and trying to understand why Jared had suggested the break in the first place, I’d done him a disservice by immediately assuming he wanted the break for him, not for me.
A man didn’t look at you the way he looked at me if he was faking it.
My husband was in love with me.
I’d never been more certain of anything until today.
Jared was in love with me … and maybe last night he finally realized that. And it scared the shit out of him and then my parents said something and it just all got twisted up in his head, and he thought he had to offer me a way out?
Jared might come across as this solid, stalwart Scot who didn’t need anything but his farm … but Jared’s heart had been broken before most of us even knew a heart could be broken.
I must scare the absolute shit out of him.
Staring up at my parents’ vacation home, the pull to turn around and drive back to my husband was intense. But first I needed all the information. I needed to know what my parents had said to make him think I might not want him for much longer.
The door to the house opened just as I got out of the Wrangler. Aria stood there, arms crossed, as I hurried up the porch steps. “I thought you weren’t coming.” Her eyes narrowed. “You’ve been crying.”
“I need to talk to Mamma and Dad.”
“Okay. What’s going on?” Aria pushed open the door, stepping aside to let me in.
Instead of answering, I stormed past her, through the spacious hall and into the open-plan kitchen-living room that faced toward the sea.
My parents were seated at the dining table with North.
Great. I didn’t exactly want an audience for this, but I wasn’t stopping for pleasantries.
“What did you say to Jared last night?” I demanded.
Dad’s expression tightened as he shot a look at Mamma. So she was the culprit, huh? Not surprising. I focused on her. Mamma took a sip of wine with an insouciant European shrug, and I wanted to empty the contents of her glass all over her. “What did you say?” I yelled.
“Allegra.” Aria came to stand beside me. “Calm down.”
“If Mamma came between you and North, would you calm down?”
My sister shot Mamma a horrified look. “Mamma, you didn’t?”
In answer, my mother released her wineglass and stood up, but only to brace her palms on the table. She pinned me with her dark stare. “You are a spoiled child playing house, and that man needed to know who and what you are before you ruined him.”
It was even worse than I’d thought.
“Mamma!” Aria snapped. “That’s completely unfair!”
Tears burned in my eyes.
“Is it? She put us through hell as a teenager, and she lives a life as a vagabond with no clear focus, from what I can see. Your sister had opportunities others would die for. She could have been a model or an actress. Instead, she marries a man so she can stay in a country just because she is afraid to be far from her big sister.”
“Chiara,” my dad bit out. “Stop.”
“We all know Allegra has been impulsive in the past.” Aria’s words made me flinch, my gaze zeroing in on my father who appeared suddenly winded by my look of betrayal. “But she is a successful artist now and not flitting around like a vagabond. And I do believe she and Jared are making a real go of their marriage. Even if they aren’t, she’s an adult, and it’s none of our goddamn business. Mamma, you had no right to interfere.”
Mamma and Aria argued back and forth, and I barely heard the words because I was watching my father. He wore a strange look as he stared back.
Then abruptly, Dad stood. “I need to tell you something.” His voice was loud enough to cut through the arguing. Mamma and Aria instantly shut up.
“Wes?” Mamma frowned.
He shook his head at her. And I suddenly recognized the emotion on his face.
Shame.
“Jared was right last night. We’ve been gaslighting our own child.”
Jared said that? Last night?
She shook her head, rage flashing in her eyes. “Do not do this. Not here. Not now.”
Oh my God. Was Dad about to admit the truth?
“Do you want Aria to go on thinking Allegra is some wild child who just put everyone through hell for nothing? Do you want to keep hurting our daughter just so you can keep burying your head in the sand?”
“Do not put this on me!” Mamma suddenly screamed. “This is not my lie!”
“What is going on?” Aria asked, her voice quiet. Afraid.
North heard her anxiety and crossed the room to pull her into his side.
While a slither of envy left a bitter taste on my tongue, I mostly felt gratitude that Aria had a husband who wanted to shelter her from every storm.
Dad moved away from the table, taking a step toward Mamma, but she retreated. She wrapped her arms around herself and looked away, sniffling. And while I resented her for choosing to live in a world of pretend, I was also heartbroken for her. She’d chosen to stay with a man who cheated because she loved him too much to leave.
“I love you, Chiara.” Dad turned from Mamma to us, his voice pleading. “I love your mother. Deeply.”
“Dad?” Aria gaped at him, as if she knew what was coming.
“But I … I had a childhood sweetheart who came back into my life about eleven years ago.” Tears brightened his eyes. “I … I couldn’t choose.”
“What are you saying?” Aria gripped tight to North’s hand as she glared at Dad. “Are you saying you’ve been cheating on Mamma for over a decade? That you have another woman?”
Dad gave a barely there nod as a sob escaped from Mamma.
“And I walked in on them having sex when I was fifteen,” I admitted dully.
My sister’s head whipped to me, her cheeks paling. “What?”
I tried, but I just couldn’t hide the bitterness in my voice. “I walked in on them and when I told Mamma, thinking she needed to know, she slapped me across the face and told me to keep my mouth shut.”
Mamma sobbed harder and rushed from the room.
I wiped away a tear that escaped.
It was out there now. I might as well tell the rest. “It messed me up and I started partying. Then partying led me to an older boy. I was just a kid who didn’t know how to deal with this secret, and Ashton made me feel seen. It turned out he had some really bad stuff going on at home. He told me about something awful that had happened to him, and when it freaked me out, I cut him out of my life. And he killed himself.”
“Fuck.” Dad dropped back into his chair and covered his face with his hands.
“That’s why I went off the rails a little. Not excusing it. Just explaining that it wasn’t because I’m a selfish, spoiled brat.”
“Oh, Ally.” Aria’s face crumpled. “Why didn’t you tell me? You should have told me all of this. You told Jared, didn’t you? This is what he meant.” She looked helplessly at North who rubbed her back in comfort. All the while my brother-in-law stared at me with sympathy and concern.
“I was just trying to protect you.” I shrugged, wiping at the tears I couldn’t stop. I was a human watering can.
“I’m supposed to protect you!” Aria rushed me, and I stumbled at the sudden movement. But then her arms were around me, and she squeezed tight as she cried.
I buried my head on her shoulder and cried, too, for this shitty, shitty day.
My sister was detail oriented. I knew she was deeply hurt by my dad’s secret, and that I’d kept it from her too. But for me, I knew she felt mostly remorse that I’d been perceived one way by my family when I wasn’t that person at all. It would never excuse my behavior as a kid. However, I could forgive myself for my choices, if not the reasons that pushed me down the path toward them.
For my dad, I saw her anger. Her betrayal. Yet, as always, her need to understand.
North had excused himself once he knew Aria was going to be okay, and we’d sat down at the dining table with Dad.
“What’s her name?”
Dad looked exhausted. And maybe a tiny bit relieved. “Maggie.”
Aria nodded expressionlessly. “And you love her?”
“Yes.”
“But you love Mamma too?”
“Yes.” His voice cracked.
“Is she married?”
“No. She lost her husband. That’s how we got back in touch. I heard and reached out to give her my sympathies.”
“And you started an affair? A long-running affair that Mamma pretends not to know about but clearly does.”
Dad sighed heavily. “Your mamma isn’t faithful either.”
Wow.
Aria raised an eyebrow. “Did she start cheating before or after she found out you were?”
He gave us a sad smile. “After.”
“Why don’t you just leave each other?” my sister hissed angrily.
“Because we love each other.”
“Well, I’m sorry, but if North told me he was in love with another woman, that would destroy me and I would leave him.” Aria shoved away from the table. “You don’t … you can’t … it would be different if this was a life you and Mamma had chosen together. To be in an open marriage. But you forced this on her because you don’t have the balls to choose!” Her eyes flew to me. “And then you put a fifteen-year-old kid in the middle of your bullshit and you left her to deal with it because you were both too fucking cowardly to face your own fucking mess!”
I’d never heard my sister say the f-word that many times. Life with a Scottish husband was rubbing off on her. It was easier for me to laugh internally at this thought than process all the anger she was feeling. I knew that anger. I’d had ten years to process mine, though.
“I know.” Dad’s voice was rough with emotion as his eyes met mine. “Ally, I am so sorry. I didn’t … Jared made me face up to some harsh truths last night. I’ve been a shitty father. This”—he gestured around the beach house—“what the fuck does any of this matter when my kid feels abandoned by her parents?”
“I can’t believe you all hid this from me for so long.” Aria looked between us, her hurt shining bright. “I just … I need some time.” She strode away without another word, her heels clicking on the hardwood floor.
At the sound of the front door opening and closing, I looked at Dad. “Is Jared the reason you decided to tell the truth?”
“It’s been building for a long time. The lie. Jared just opened my eyes to things I’ve been denying about myself, and about you.” He blanched. “I didn’t know your mother hit you when you went to her with the truth. Jared bluntly relayed that information last night.”
Wow. Jared pulled no punches with my parents. Because he cared about me.
“Mamma just gave me the slap she probably wanted to give you.”
“Don’t.” Dad shook his head. “Don’t shrug it off like it’s not a big deal. It’s a big deal that you walked in on me with another woman when you were just a kid and a big deal that your mother hit you because of it. Has she hit you since or before?”
“No,” I promised him vehemently.
He visibly deflated with relief. “I can’t imagine Chiara lifting her hands to anyone.”
“Her actions are her own, and I’m not putting the slap on you. But she was in pain. A lot of pain when she hit me, and she wasn’t herself.” Lots of therapy had helped me get to a forgiving, compassionate place about that traumatizing moment between my mother and me.
“My selfishness has caused all my family pain. And Maggie. Jared was right.” Dad scrubbed a hand over his face. “The whole world can think I’m a legend, but I know the truth. The people who matter most know that the truth is unbearably disappointing.”
It was strange seeing my dad so down on himself. The man exuded confidence and self-assurance. This version of him was unrecognizable. But then hadn’t I always known that I didn’t really know my parents? They didn’t really know me.
“What is it about Maggie?” I asked out of morbid curiosity. “What makes it so hard to choose?”
Dad’s expression fell. “It’s difficult to explain. I just … with your mother, it’s always been exciting and passionate and adventurous. She challenges and excites me. But with Maggie, it’s more emotional. We connect on a soul level that I can’t explain. It’s quiet and simple and I feel at peace when I’m with her.”
Just like that, I experienced crystal clear clarity. What Dad had with two women, I was lucky to find with Jared.
I couldn’t let my husband go. Not without a fight.
“It’s not that I don’t have that with your mother. Your mother and I are a team, and we can talk about mostly anything. Maybe …” Dad shrugged, despondent. “Maybe with Maggie I could hold on to the guy I was before I became Wesley Howard.”
Truthfully, I’d never considered the pressures my dad must be under to live up to himself. Probably because he never gave the impression that he felt any pressure. But, of course, he did. He was only human. The thing about being a human, though, was that it wasn’t perfect. It was messy. It was ugly and painful. And you couldn’t always have what you wanted. Choices had to be made.
“I think you have to choose, Dad. Ari’s right. It would be different if you and Mamma were on the same page. That you both wanted an open marriage. But she loves you and just you. Burying your heads in the sand and pretending there are no affairs … it was always going to end badly.”
“I know.” He gave me a tremulous sigh. “I’m really sorry, kid.”
“I know you’re not a bad guy, Dad,” I whispered tearfully. “You’re just human. And we’re complicated.”
“Do … do you think we’ll ever be able to start over? You and me?”
I nodded, my tears slipping freely now. “I think so.” Getting up from the table, I crossed the room and Dad stood to enfold me in his arms. It was the first time in ten years I’d hugged him for real and not for show in front of cameras or Aria. “Thank you for telling the truth.”
He squeezed me hard. “You don’t need to thank me for that.”
After what felt like a long time, Dad reluctantly released me. He captured my face between his palms and said, “I’m sorry if what your mother said to Jared messed things up. But the man who confronted me last night didn’t give a shit about who I was. All he cared about was you. Jared isn’t that angry at me over someone he doesn’t care about.”
Determination fired my blood. “I’m going to fight for what I want. You should go figure out what it is you want.”
“I’m proud of you, kid.”
Those words hurt, but in a good way this time. Neither of my parents had said those words to me in forever. I needed to hear them. Not just because I wanted that from my dad, but because it made me realize something that fixed a little broken piece of me. “I’m proud of me too.”