Someday Never Came

Chapter Sixty-One

July 4, 2023

Dear Jensen,

You didn’t choose me. I will never get the chance to love you properly. I will never know what it feels like to truly call you mine. I hold no grudge toward you. How could I? The truth is if you truly love someone, it never matters, not even for a moment if they loved you back in return. That isn’t love, true love is loving someone despite how they may feel, what they have done or choose to do. It is respecting their choices, even if that choice is destroying you day by day. Loving them is enough for the both of you.

I will love you enough for the both of us. Just know that on the days where the world feels too heavy to burden alone that I am out here. That there is always someone out there who loves you, who cares if you are alive, and cares if you are happy. I—from this second forward—will forever be a silent love. A comforting thought if you ever need it because even though you did not choose me, that doesn’t mean I do not love you. A part of me will forever be yours, but I have to try and move on now.

I don’t know how to do that though, not yet. How do I move on from the way you made me feel? You seem to have a talent of making someone feel like they are the most important person in the world, as if no one else could possibly matter.

You made me feel like I was priceless, like I was the most gorgeous human you ever laid eyes on, and that I was perfect even with my imperfections. When you took that love away and disappeared into the dead of night to never be seen again—I had been left to drown. The life you took wouldn’t be breathed back into me again until you decided to come back around.

And you always came back, just to leave me again.

I wish I had more time left to give…to keep waiting for you to realize what I have always known. I gave you choices and now we’ll both be forced to live the life you set in motion for us. Separate.

I hope you find whatever it is you’re so desperately searching for. I hope peace finds you and that you grow old with the ones you love most surrounding you. I hope we both do, even if it isn’t by each other’s side.

I believe some of us are put onto this earth to simply give love. Maybe that’s why I love you like this. Maybe you need my love more than I need yours. I have always said if I love someone, then they experience what most would consider an undying love. Not because it’s what they deserve, but because it’s the only way I know how to love. I’ll love them long after they’ve left…long after many nights of crying myself to sleep in mourning of that love.

My love does not falter, and it never ends. I carry each and every one with me, like I’ll carry you with me. I will die with their names on my lips—your name—tangling with my last breath. Weeping for loves that are lost and pleading to whatever gods are listening that you found happiness…that you have found your peace.

This is what happens when some of us are put onto this earth to give love—to express it so deeply that there was never a doubt that you were loved by us…but never to fully receive it back in return. Undying and unrequited love…the only kind I will ever know from you it seems.

In the end, you didn’t choose me. I may have been your first love, but now I won’t have the chance to be your last. The problem is that you will always be my first and last love, the kind of love I have for you doesn’t disappear just because it’s unrequited.

Be happy, be at peace.

I will be okay. I survived you leaving me once, and I can manage it again. I am sure once the dust has settled, I’ll learn you’re still alive through the grapevine of past acquaintances or hear whispers of what your life becomes. I will continue to love you…but at a distance. Hiding you deep in my heart, only pulling you out when I know I can withstand the pain of losing you. If I can stand losing someone who may have never truly been mine to claim to start with. Just know that I love you…

Goodbye,

Your Serenity