Nineteen
Noah
You won’t know until you give him a shot, right?
Go for it. It’s not like we’re together.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
“Hey.” Nearly jumping out of my fucking skin, I see the asshole I live with behind me in my mirror. His eyes scan the length of me. “What are you doing?”
Exactly what you told me to, asshole.
No. No this isn’t about Jamie. This is about me. As hard as it is, Jamie’s right. We aren’t together and I have to get that through my head. What I want is a relationship, not another fuck buddy.
After dinner last night, Jamie went back to being distant. We’ve had so much fun this week and I hate that all that’s going to disappear. Reading with him was just so much fun. Jamie got super into the book I lent him, and it’s been cute to watch him reading. Watching his face twist with anger when it got frustrating and blush from the spicy scenes has been a treat.
As much as it hurts, I need to squash this crush I have.
Since Jamie didn’t go into a jealous rage, ripping off his shirt like the men in my regency novels and ripping off my blouse, exposing my breasts then making sweet, sweet love to me, I called Ben. We made plans for dinner tonight. Do I think Ben is the one?
Absolutely not.
Ben was excited, though, and that’s what it should be like. I shouldn’t have to beg for scraps. I need to stop wasting time on someone who only wants orgasms. “I took your advice. I’m going on that date.”
Emotion flicks over Jamie’s stupid handsome face. His tired eyes meet mine and I feel guilty for no damn reason. Jamie didn’t sleep in bed with me last night, and with work today we really haven’t spoken much at all. I did hear him last night, though—talking, whimpering, crying. It’s not my place.
It’s time to move on. It was fun, but Jamie doesn’t want anything serious with me. “Sounds fun.”
Sounds fun . Asshole . “What do you want?”
“I was going to make dinner and see if you wanted any. You’re clearly all set, though.” Jamie folds his arms over his broad chest.
“What’s with the tone?”
“What tone?”
Maybe I’m just reading into shit. I’m a bit on edge as it is. I’ve never been on a real date. “Nothing. Never mind. He’s picking me up soon.” I’ve been sitting at this vanity for hours it seems like. Nothing’s fitting right. My makeup isn’t making up. I have an itch to call Bri, but I don’t want her to think that’s the only reason I called her. We’re going out next weekend anyway and fuck, I can’t wait. I need friend time. Mark is still kind of mad at me. I know he’ll get over himself, and when he gets like this, giving him space to cool down is always the way to go. I sent him a picture of my nipple really close up this morning, and he told me to fuck off, so progress.
“With Ben?”
“Yes.”
Jamie’s face twists like it tastes something bad. “What does Ben do?”
“That’s what the date is for.”
Leaning against my doorway, wearing a forest-green hoodie with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of black boxers that mold to his thighs, his dragon peeks out and it’s all I can do to pull my eyes from it. Jamie changed the gauges in his ears sometime today, opting for a black one with a planchette in the middle.
This would be a lot easier if he were ugly... or Mark.
Shrugging off the door, Jamie just shakes his head. He shaved the sides yesterday because it was growing out a little too long. I like the undercut. It suits his features. “What?”
“Nothing.” Jamie looks me over one last time. “You just look really good is all. I hope you have fun.”
Jamie leaves and my eyes drop to the cream-colored pants I’m wearing that flare a bit at the leg. I’ve paired them with a form-fitting black tank crop top. It’s cool today, but not cold, so I have a gray knit sweater I’ll bring with me just in case. Turning to the side, I give myself a once-over before leaning in and fixing the curls on my head. Bri wanted to give me a hair cut, and maybe I’ll take her up on it next weekend before we go out.
Checking my makeup, I grab the small clutch I’m bringing, taking out the lip tint and giving myself one more dab. Putting it back in the bag, I grab chewing gum, mouth wash, a tiny toothbrush, some cash, and lotion. Turning, I see my nightstand.
I chew my bottom lip for a moment then decide against it. No condoms. No chance. The next time I hook up with someone it’s going to be my boyfriend. Slipping on a pair of black shoes, I take a deep, deep breath.
I can do this.
When I walk out into the living room Jamie’s sitting on his plush chair and his head lifts from the sketchbook he’s drawing in. “Oh, uh, I finished that book. You were right. Loved it.”
“Yeah, good, right? I don’t recommend shit. Remember that.”
Jamie smiles. “Can I borrow the next one?” Grabbing my book from the counter, I inspect it. No bumps or bruises. No dog-eared pages. Good boy.
“Here, you left—” I grab his bookmark out of the book but stop. “Did you draw this?” Touching his tongue to the corner of his mouth he nods, his ears going red. It’s a little drawing of me on my reading poof.
“Here, I made you a couple too.”
“What?”
“Here.” Opening his sketchbook, he hands me a couple of thick strips of paper.
Three handmade bookmarks.
The first one says my name in pretty designs and fonts. The second is simply rainbow-colored geometric designs, which I love. The third, though, makes me pause. A fox covers the entire strip, and the words “little fox” are scrawled around the animal. “Wow.”
“They’re kind of basic, but I—”
“I love them. I’m going to use one tomorrow. Just don’t know which one.”
“Do you have a favorite?” I eye, the fox and look up. Jamie gives me a soft, knowing smile.
“Thank you,” I say.
“So, where are you going?”
The date. Right. “Not sure yet.”
“Are you staying the night with him?”
How dare he? “Just a dinner, Jamie.”
“Not interviewing for apartments, then?”
My eyes narrow, but soften when I see Jamie’s teasing smirk. Okay then. Playful asshole I can handle. Maybe Jamie’s high. “No interviews tonight. I’m interviewed out.”
“Probably still thinking about the first interview anyway.”
Definitely high. I’ll take it. “What interview?”
Jamie’s eyes narrow. “You said it was the best interview.”
I shrug. “Can’t be too great if I can’t remember what interview you’re talking about.”
“Asshole.” Jamie chuckles. A knock makes us both jump. Jamie goes to get up. I shove him back down.
“My date. Get your own.” Shutting my eyes, I take a breath. I can do this. I can do this.
“Noah—” When I glance up, Jamie’s eyes have that soft, faraway look. “You look amazing. I hope you have a great night, okay?”
Ah, shit.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
The door. Right. Peeling my eyes away from him, I open it. Ben stands in the doorway, looking handsome in a navy blue dress shirt and black pants. My eyes travel up and down his body. He’s built, a couple of inches taller than I am. Ben looks like one of those guys in the gym filming their sets for Tiktok. “Wow, I feel underdressed,” he says.
Heat creeps up my neck. “You look great.”
“You look incredible. Wow.” He gives me a slow once-over.
Hyperaware of the man sitting in the chair behind me, I introduce him to Ben. “This is my roommate, Jamie. You can ignore him.” I’m desperately trying. “Make yourself comfortable.”
“Please don’t,” Jamie mumbles.
“He’s joking.” I laugh a little to hard. “He likes to joke.”
“I’m a real fucking comedian,” Jamie mumbles.
Oh, I’m going to smack him. “This place is nice,” Ben comments.
“Thank you.” Why am I thanking him. Why am I so nervous?
“Do you want anything to drink?”
“Oh, no, I’m fine.” Ben stares at me again, the hunger burning so brightly in his eyes. He looks good but I feel nothing. That’s okay though, right? That’s what dates are for. Trial and error. “Sorry... I can’t, you just... you look. Wow, just... amazing.”
“Eloquent,” Jamie whispers.
I need to get out of here. Checking myself in the mirror on the wall one more time, I hold out a hand to Ben. “I’m rea—”
“What’s that?” Frowning, I turn to see what Ben’s talking about. Jesus. Jamie’s bowl is sitting out next to the book he borrowed, nothing in it. It’s still weird. Jamie’s always careful with his things. Did he leave it out here on purpose?
“Inhaler,” Jamie says flatly. “How did you two meet?”
“Library,” I say.
“I go once a week,” Ben says, still flicking his eyes to the weed. “Well, lately I’ve been going a little more.”
“Uh-huh, and what do you do for a living?”
“Stop interrogating my date.”
“I just want to know about the guy taking my friend out is all.”
Friend.
Why did that simple word tie me in knots?
“I don’t mind.” Ben smiles. Again. Nothing. Just nothing. It’s fine. Sparks could grow. “I’m an officer.” His eyes flick to the table.
“Weed is legal.”
“If acquired correctly.”
“Acquired with the utmost correctness.” Jamie puts his hand over his heart, giving him a smile.
“Do you smoke?” he asks me.
“Oh, no. Not these pretty pink lungs.” I laugh nervously. My eyes drift to Jamie. I know he does it for the pain, and I really don’t give a shit about it. For me, I just don’t want to. Taking a moment, I calm myself. “I don’t judge, though. Just not for me.”
“How long have you been an officer?”
“I just graduated from the academy.”
“So . . . not an officer then.”
“Jamie?”
“Basically.”
“I guess that makes me basically a surgeon.”
“Okay, enough,” I hiss.
“Hey, is that the book you were reading the other day?” Ben picks it up with a smile.
“Ah, no, different book. Jamie just finished it.”
Ben’s face pinches before looking at me. “I thought you said you don’t lend out your books.” He smiles, but there’s an edge to it that makes my chest feel tight.
“Ah, I don’t. He . . . stole it.”
“Smooth,” Jamie whispers. “You guys better get going. I’d really like to start the second book. Thanks again for the loan.” Jamie grins.
“Right, uh, we should go.” I lean down by Jamie’s ear. “I am going to kill you.”
“Have fun.” Jamie beams at me.
“Eat a dick.”
It’s been nearly twenty minutes since we sat down. He’d chosen a small Italian restaurant downtown which was pretty close to the house, and more than once I’d thought about excusing myself to the bathroom and running home.
“You look amazing. Sorry, I just can’t stop looking at you.”
“Thank you. You’re sweet.” I was hoping the awkward tension would disappear some, but if anything it’s only gotten worse since we sat down. Conversation is always easy for me, so why am I so nervous? “So, you want to be an officer?”
“Yeah, I love it.”
“When did you decide you wanted to do that?”
“I’ve always loved guns.” Um... okay then. Grabbing my glass of wine, I take a sip, praying the proof is over a hundred.
“I’m sure that being a hero sounds nice too.”
“Yeah, I guess.” He... guesses...” I’ve always been fascinated with guns and wanted a job where I could use them. I love going shooting at the range. Can’t wait to do it for real.
Um . . .
“That sounds . . . nice.” Holy fuckballs.
“What about you?”
“Huh?”
“Have you ever been to a range?”
“Oh, no.” Wiggling my fingers, I laugh. “I may chip my nail polish.” Ben doesn’t. “It was a joke.”
“Oh.” Laughing awkwardly, Ben takes a drink too. “So, I take it you don’t own any guns?”
“Oh, no. Well, one. A tiny pink bejeweled squirt gun I fill with lube in emergencies. It’s a talking piece.” It’s a gag gift Mark bought me for my twenty-first birthday. In general, I do not like guns—like, at all. Having a parent who hunted exotic animals for sport turned me off the entire culture. “But each to their own.”
“Well, maybe I can take you out sometime.”
No fucking thank yew. “Maybe.”
Taking a large sip of wine, I urge the alcohol to do it’s damn job. Anything. I need something to take this edge off. “You look really gorgeous tonight. Sorry, I just can’t stop staring.”
“Oh thank—”
“Normally, I don’t date men like you, but you look incredible.”
Um... “What do you mean, men like me?”
“You know.” He waves his hand up and down like I should know exactly what the fuck he’s talking about.
“I seem to be a little dense. In kindergarten terms, please.” I smile brightly.
“You know. More fem, I guess.”
“You like more masc men?” Everyone has their preferences, nothing wrong with that.
“I just don’t find the appeal in femininity. I mean, if I wanted to date a woman I would, you know.” Ben laughs. “I just prefer the men I date to be men.”
“I am a man,” I say tightly.
“No, I know. I know, I... shit, that’s not what I meant.” Only, it is. “I just meant that normally, I’m not attracted to makeup and stuff.”
“I am barely wearing any.”
“No, I know but—”
“There’s nothing wrong with dating a woman either.” There’s not being attracted to someone, then there’s blatant disrespect and making your preferences another person’s problem.
Bri would have ripped this guy’s balls off.
“Well, unfortunately for you, I am a little...” I flop my wrist forward, and Ben blinks. What I’m wearing, the makeup I have on, or the paint on my nails, should not matter.
I prefer taller men, but that doesn’t mean I go up to every shorter man and tell them they’re less attractive or worthy.
I take a giant swig from my glass.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that to sound like it did.” Only he did mean it. What he didn’t expect was for me to get pissed. Masking truth as jokes to get out of it is not on. This isn’t nerves. Ben’s just an asshole. A gun-toting, misogynistic asshole.
This is not going to work, but it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a night out, possibly on this man’s dime.
“So, how long have you two lived together?”
“Oh.” The abrupt topic change startles me. “About a month.”
“Seems like an asshole. I feel sorry for you.”
He doesn’t know Jamie. How fucking dare he? “Excuse me, he’s—”
“Good evening. I’m so sorry for the wait. Are you two ready to order?”
Looking up at the pretty waitress, I feel relief wash through me until Ben speaks. “We were ready twenty minutes ago. I’ve seen two people get their food already and they came in after us.”
Um... no. We’ve been talking the entire time and Ben’s gaze hasn’t left mine, as unnerving as that’s been. “It’s okay. Things happen.”
Trying to gather her composure, she smiles at him. “I apologize. We had a last-minute call-out.”
“I didn’t ask for an excuse, I’m just asking for service.”
What. The. Fuck.
“Right,” she says tightly. “I apologize. What can I get you?” Ben orders a chicken breast with steamed vegetables. She looks to me and honestly, I just want to go home. I’m so embarrassed. “Sweetie?” she says softly, a look passing between us.
“Oh, uh.” Looking at the menu quickly, I order the first thing I can see. Chicken Alfredo, with garlic bread and a side salad. I’m fucking starving after being too nervous to eat all day. “And can I get another glass of wine please?”
“Yes, of course. It’ll be right out.”
“You don’t think that’s a little heavy?”
“What?” Trying to focus on Ben, all I can actually focus on is the finish line.
“That’s a lot of food.”
“I’ll pay for mine, that’s no problem.” Of course, on top of everything else he’d be a cheap fucker.
“No, I mean for like, after?”
Realization smacks me.
How the fuck can he even believe that’s in the realm of possibility. “After what?” Putting my elbows on the table, I rest my chin in my hands and blink at him. “Whatever could you mean?”
“I just assumed, after—”
“Sounds like you have a real problem with assumptions.” I’m done with being nice. Fuck this guy to hell and back. “I think it’s clear nothing’s going to be happening beyond this date. Let’s just finish this and enjoy our meal, okay?” While I want to be super bitchy, I’m also a little afraid of him.
“Fine.” Standing, Ben puts his napkin on the table. “I’ll be right back. Going to use the bathroom.”
Good. I need some space to breathe anyway. Grabbing my phone, I open it on autopilot, going to Jamie’s contact before turning it off. No, this is stupid.
Still.
I click my phone on again, going to my pictures, smiling at the photo I took the other day of Jamie drawing on my bed between reading breaks. I’ve never had that much fun with someone doing nothing. All we did was read side by side for hours. Never in my life have I felt peace like that. It was so warm, so comfortable. It was everything I’ve always wanted with someone.
With someone who doesn’t want me.
Blinking back tears, I take another sip of wine, the effects finally starting to take hold.
Tonight’s a disaster, but that’s fine, right? That’s what dating is about—win some, lose some. Tonight is definitely a loss. “Um, hey, sweetie.” I startle at the soft voice. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Oh, no, it’s fine. I’m really sorry about my date. I don’t think he meant to come across like that.” Bullshit, but I don’t want her to feel bad.
“Oh, honey. That asshole you were with, uh... he left.”
“What?!” I look around as if the words didn’t register.
“Like, ditched you with all this food and the bill, yeah.”
“Where . . .”
“Out the front door. I saw him leave. He grabbed his coat and keys from the valet. I’m really sorry. If you want, I can talk to my manager and maybe take some off the bill.”
Fuck.
Starving, I shake my head. “You know what? It’s fine. Just bring everything out when it’s ready. I’ll pay, and pack his up or something.” If I’m paying for it, you better fucking believe I’m eating it. I’ll have to call a ride. “What a prick.”
“I hope it wasn’t because he had to wait.”
“It’s because I said I wouldn’t fuck him after.”
She giggles. “I hate when they do that.” Touching my shoulder, she gives me a sympathetic look. “You can do way better anyway.”
“Thank you. Sorry again. He’s a dick.”
“It’s been a night, huh? Food will be out soon, okay?” She leans in. “Wine’s on the house.”
“Thank you.” She leaves me to my misery and I grab my phone again, finding his contact. Jamie would be on cloud fucking nine right now. Thankfully, we were seated toward the back where not everyone can get a good view of my embarrassment.
It rings and I wait for Jamie to pick up. “Date finished already?”
“I come with some amazing news that will absolutely tickle you pink. Well, not pink. Tan. Tickle you tan.”
“Are you drunk?”
Yes. Finally. “You were right. He’s an asshole.”
“You done already?”
“Well, let’s see. He’s a gun freak, he said I’m too fem... oh, and once he found out I didn’t want to fuck him he ditched me here with the food and the bill. So yeah. That’s great. Wine’s free, though. Which I will be drinking all of. The waitress took pity on me.”
“Are you fucking serious?”
“I know, hilarious right? You’re probably laughing so hard right now.”
“Where did he take you?”
“Alfresco’s. I think it’s downtown, Main Street.”
It’s quiet for a moment and I nearly think I’ve lost him. “Are you coming home?”
“No, if I’m paying for this meal I’ll be eating this meal, and drinking the rest of the wine. I’ve always thought of myself as a great date anyhow. I’ll be home in a little bit, just as soon as some shred of my dignity returns. I just thought I’d let you know how right you were. Enjoy it. It won’t happen anymore going forward. Bask in your victory, my king.”
Hanging up, I swallow back the lump in my throat.
Calling him didn’t make me feel better.
Pouring myself another glass, I chug it down, not giving one fuck. A woman watches me from another table. “What? Never been stood up before?” She glares, going back to her food and the man she’s with.
Fuck this. Taking another sip, I hold my glass up. “Cheers.”
God, my life is a mess.