Splintered Hearts

Thirty Two

Jamie

“If you puke in my fucking car I’m going to twist your nuts.” My eyes squeeze tighter and I press against the cool glass. Just don’t look, just don’t—

“Not helping, Bri.”

“Why aren’t we using your car?” Xavi must give her a look. “Oh. Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I grit, gripping the handle of Brianna’s car and not Xavi’s jeep. “I don’t think it would matter.”

“I was just thinking with Maddox’s jeep—”

“I got it!” Taking a deep breath, I open my eyes slowly, afraid to look outside. I need to get it under control, though. I’m going to give myself a heart attack. “Look, I’m okay.”

“You look gray.”

I twist to face Brianna being unhelpful in the back seat. “Thank you.”

Pouting, she grabs my hand. “You’re doing so great, really.” I ease a little, focusing on her tiny face. Today, her eye makeup makes her look like a road warrior from Mad Max . “Cute.”

“I thought it was fitting.”

All week, while Noah went to work, Xavi took me out to practice being in a car. The first two times we barely made it out of the driveway before I hyperventilated so hard I nearly passed out.

This time, with the power of gummies that have an unspecified level of THC, I’m managing. Poorly. But managing. If it fucking kills me, I’m doing this. “You feeling it?” She giggles.

That makes me smile. “Thanks.”

“At your service.” She bows. My stomach roils, but I keep my breathing steady. Xavi hits a pothole and I nearly shit my pants. “Watch it!”

“Sorry. Sorry. I didn’t see it.”

Focusing on Brianna, now between the seats, I shake my head. “Why aren’t you driving?”

Xavi snorts. “You don’t want that.”

“Shut up!” She glowers. “I’m a fantastic driver.”

“With fantastic tickets.” Xavi beams. “How many points are you at? You seem to collect them like they’re gold stars.”

“Fuck off. I’ve had two tickets.” She folds her arms over her chest, leaning back against her seat. “Stop sign came out of nowhere.”

“Right, and the left at the red light.”

“No one was coming!”

“Except your ticket in the mail for running that red light.”

Ignoring their bickering, I press my head to the glass and try to breathe. Try to remember why I’m doing this. “Hey.” I open my eyes, seeing Xavi’s hand rest on my knee. “This is huge progress, Jamie. We’re fifteen minutes from home. This is amazing.” Noah had gotten a car. Seeing him go out with Mark, or his new friend Bo, has made me want a little piece of myself back too. “We can go back. You’ve made great progress today.”

“No. No, I’m doing this.” Taking a breath I think about the end goal. What I want. I can do this. I just need to keep calm. I’m fine.

“So... any particular reason we’re so interested in being in a car?” Bri asks, and I can practically see the grin on her face.

“No.”

“Nothing to do with Noah getting a car?”

I twist in my seat, glaring at her. “Shut up.”

Sitting up between the seats, she grins. “Jamie’s got a boyfriend,” she teases. “A cute little boyfriend with a cute little butt.” She giggles.

“Shut up!”

“Noah and Jamie, sitting in a tree—”

“Can you shut up?”

“Not a day in my life, sugar.” She kisses the tip of my nose, sitting back in her seat, pleased as goddamn punch.

“We’re really happy for you, no matter the reason for any of this. It’s incredible,” Xavi says quietly. “You just seem so happy lately. I love it.”

I’m not going to get away with not talking about it, and honestly, I don’t feel all squirmy like I usually do talking about the way I feel. “He makes me happy.” More than happy. This type of euphoria isn’t something you can buy, snort, or smoke.

“Aww, cute!” Bri swoons.

“So really, what’s going on? What’s the reason for all this right now?”

“I’m not telling you. You’ll make fun of me.”

“Hey.” Xavi pulls the car over on the dirt road. “Jamie, take a minute. Look at where we are. This is huge. I don’t give a shit what the reason is. I’m just so fucking happy you’re doing it.”

Guilt surges through me. No matter what, Xavi and Bri are always there for me. Even when they shouldn’t be. Even when my bad decisions cost us all something so fucking precious. We can never get it back, and it’s all my fucking fault.

Yet here they are. Always. Standing beside me. “Thank you, guys,” I whisper, clearing my throat. “I can never say sorry or thank either of you enough.”

Bri unbuckles, sitting up between our seats. “Hey.” Grabbing my hand, she squeezes. “This is amazing, and of course, we’re family.” I don’t miss the look that passes through Xavi’s eyes. Yeah, that’s a whole mess there. Not my business, though. “We’re proud of you.”

“So what’s going on?” Xavi asks.

“Noah got a car.” I can do this, just talk. “I guess I... well, when he goes out I...”

“Feel left out?”

I nod. It feels awful not joining him when I want to so bad. Even though I know on some level that Noah understands, I still feel like shit when I don’t go places with him. I know at some point I’ll have to tell Noah about the accident. No matter the consequences, he should know.

“Also, I’m going to ask Mom if... if I can use the lake house for the weekend.” Unable to meet either of their faces, I stare ahead. I’m not sure where we are or what backwoods road we’re on but I wonder, if I opened my door and fell out, how long it would take me to walk back.

“Holy shit, Jamie.” I close my eyes. I don’t want to make this a thing, but I know Mom will say something.

“I just want to take my boyfriend on a nice weekend, and I’m broke, so this is the best—”

“You don’t have to make an excuse,” Xavi says softly. “That’s big.”

I know that, but again, don’t want to make it a thing. “Here.” I hear jangling in the back seat before a key is thrust through the center. “Take my key.”

Slowly I turn, thanking her and adding it to mine. “I’m going to ask him tonight if he wants to go away.” There are things Noah needs to know, and I’m going to tell him everything this weekend. It isn’t just a lake house in a little tourist town upstate. It’s the place that changed my life forever. In so many ways. I want Noah to know every part of me, ugly or not.

I just hope he’ll stay with me after.”

Fuck, I’m nervous. Too nervous. I feel like an idiot. After Xavi and Bri dropped me off, Brianna helped me put this together, and well, put me together wearing dark jeans and a nice red button-up dress shirt. Candles sit in the middle of our table. Red petals litter the pathway from the front door to the kitchen and it’s taking every fiber of my being not to pick them up.

For Noah.

Soft music plays. The dinner is almost done, and my man is about to come home. Mine. It still feels so weird to say and think about. I have a boyfriend. The front door opens as I once-over the table. I hear a heavy bag drop and almost laugh at the amount of books that are probably in it. “Jamie?”

Walking out of the kitchen a smile instantly spreads across my face. “Hey.”

“What’s this?”

I hold out my hand, guiding him into the kitchen. “Well, I wanted to do something special.”

Noah frowns, looking around. “The candles, the petals, the music?” His brows pinch. “Are there flower petals on the bed?” I nod. “This... this is all so cheesy.”

“I know.”

“I fucking love it!” He claps his hands. “My super romantic, cliché boyfriend.” I grin wider, leaning down to kiss his soft lips.

“Play your cards right and we can slow dance under the moonlight after we eat.” His mouth drops open. “Then I’ll bring you inside, and fuck you real slow on top of all those rose petals.”

“Missionary, with a lot of intense eye contact.”

“Of course,” I laugh. “Come on, let’s eat.”

We have dinner, talking about his day and all the books my mother let him get for the library. I’m happy he’s happy there. He seems to love the job deeply. He talks about Mark and how he’s finally coming to terms with us—not that I care, but I have to admit it eases a little part of me. I know how important Mark is to Noah, so I just want to end this thing between us. For both our partners. “Oh, and I found a new book series we can start after we finish the hockey one.”

I clean up our plates then take Noah outside where we dance slowly to the beat of the music under the bright stars above. Neither of us says a word, just enjoying each other’s warmth. It’s starting to cool off, with a slight chill in the October air, reminding me of the question I need to ask him. “I have a question.”

Noah’s head lifts from my chest to look up at me. “What?”

“How would you like to go away tomorrow, just for the weekend? We’ll head up tomorrow and be back Sunday.”

“Really? Where?”

“My family owns a lake house, upstate, about an hour and a half from here. Around the Adirondacks. It’s beautiful this time of year, with the changing leaves.”

“You want to go away with me?”

I nod, debating whether to tell him any more, but I need to open up just a little. “I want to do this, but you know how driving is for me.” He nods. “Well, this trip is going to be hard for me, but I want to try, okay? I just may not be able to leave the lake house.” I’m so afraid of going into town and running into people. Tiny steps, though.

“So what you’re saying is, you’ll be trapped inside this very romantic lake house with me for nearly two solid days?”

“Uh . . . yes?”

“I think I’ll manage.” He kisses me hard, hugging me, and when I eventually take him into his room and dim the lights I do fuck him slow, making deep eye contact and moaning with the person who has healed me in more ways than I’ll ever be able to repay.

His body squeezes me, his fingers caress my skin, and that pretty pink mouth parts with breathy moans. “Jamie!” His back arches under me, his fingers twisting in the pillow beside him, warmth pooling between us. Burying my face in his neck, I fill him, finding so much pleasure I nearly black out. He holds me so tight, his fingers winding in my hair. Breathing heavily, neither of us move, Noah’s arms around my neck, his legs around my waist. I feel him clench and tremble. “This was very cheesy,” he whispers. “I loved every second.” Smiling, I pull back a little to slant my mouth over his and kiss him.

“That’s good to hear.” Because I’m sure I love him, and after this weekend I hope Noah will tell me he loves me too.

Even the ugly, broken parts he’s about to witness.