Splintered Hearts

Thirty One

Jamie

My head hurts, my body aches, and the splitting in my skull just won’t ebb. I barely slept last night. Sleeping like shit is second nature, but with Noah holding me every night I’d finally been sleeping right.

Every hour, I checked both my phone and the driveway. I’m not sure where he went, but fuck, he looked incredible. How did I go from experiencing the best night of my life to nearly the worst? Okay not the worst. Honestly, with my life, it has to be really fucking terrible to reach the top worst experiences, but fuck if it doesn’t feel like fucking rock bottom right now. The sex must have been terrible.

Noah doesn’t give a fuck about me. Running my fingers through my hair, all I can do is sit here and think—sit with what I’m feeling—and it’s driving me crazy. All I want to do is talk to him.

All these scenarios run through my mind but I’m ignoring the most probable one. It’s painfully true and easy. All of Noah’s praise and admiration was false. He doesn’t like me. Why the fuck would he? I’m unlovable. Period. It’s etched inside me like scars on my bones. I’m nothing.

Noah’s lies make me feel like . . . they make me feel like . . .

My throat swells, my eyes burn. Noah made me feel like maybe I was worthy of love. Worthy of his time and attention. Noah showed me warmth in so many forms, only to replace it with a chill ten times colder than anything I’ve ever felt.

“You’re fucking stupid.”

I hug my body, tucking my hands under my armpits, trying to still the wobble in my chin. I need to get a grip. This isn’t the first time someone has made me feel like shit and it won’t be the last.

Maybe Noah was trying to be polite, avoiding me after terrible sex. I want to fix this, but what is there to fix? I can’t force Noah to like me. I just need to forget. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to forget and just numb myself.

I need something to smoke.

With the medication I’m on, I have to be careful, but honestly, I don’t crave it like I used to. Not the drug itself—it’s not like that—but what it brings. A dull muteness to the vicious voices constantly swirling in my brain.

Cupping the big scar on my chest, my thumb runs along the puckered skin. This one was the worst—a piece of steel had lacerated my chest. If it had been removed sooner I would have bled out, but once it was removed it took a good chunk of my flesh with it. A miracle, the nurses said. Never, not once have I been more grateful to be alive than with Noah’s lips against it.

And it was all bullshit.

I need a shower. Maybe I’ll call Brianna and see if she can hook me up, then I can numb myself for a few hours. Maybe I can close my eyes, and if I get high enough, relive a few nights ago. Being inside Noah’s arms. Wrapping his warm body against my own.

Maybe.

Crunching gravel startles me and I nearly trip over my own feet to reach the window. Peeking out, I try not to move the curtain too much, seeing a car I’ve never seen before in my driveway. It’s a little foggy, but I can see Noah in the passenger seat talking with a man.

No. Not talking.

Laughing.

Head thrown back, full-body laughs. It’s wrong, and I have no right to it, but jealousy fills me. It’s hard to make out much about the guy. I can’t see very well. Leaning over, Noah hugs him before getting out of his car. Walking up the stone-filled driveway his eyes flick up, briefly locking with my own.

Fuck!

I let the curtain go and rush over to my chair, faking nonchalance as if Noah hadn’t just caught me. Grabbing the book in front of me, I hold it up as the front door opens. I hear him come in before he walks past, not sparing me a glance as he goes to his room and closes the door.

Coming out a moment later with clothes in his hand, Noah walks down the hall to the bathroom, and when I hear the door shut, I go to the kitchen, needing something to stop my hands shaking. Grabbing my steeper and tea, I begin to relax a little, letting my body go through the motions. My thoughts are choking me and since I’m out of weed this will have to do.

I definitely don’t listen to the running water, waiting for it to shut off. The pot whistles, scaring the living shit out of me, and I finish by adding honey and some milk. Turning to the table, I realize I still haven’t put a shirt on. That happens a lot now. It startles even me sometimes, seeing myself in a mirror. For the longest time I didn’t want to see them. Not until Noah’s lips landed on every single one. When I look at my scars now I don’t see the accident. Instead, I see Noah—bright green eyes, glassy with so much want, looking at me from under thick black lashes and wearing nothing but a wicked grin.

Fuck! What am I going to do? Noah is . . . he is . . .

Noah had made everything okay. Maybe not okay, but easier. At the very least he made me easier on myself. Noah taught me it was okay to feel things, and the more I feel the less scary it is. It’s okay to feel shit because Noah would always be there with open arms, ready to support me if needed.

Coming into the kitchen wearing black clingy shorts with skeletal hands on his ass cheeks and no shirt, Noah doesn’t say a word. Opening the fridge, he grabs juice.

I sip my tea, trying so hard to ignore the man now leaning against the counter, facing me. I can see his pink toes pointing in my direction. Swallowing, I look up. His black shorts rest low on his slim hips. His “cum gutters,” as Noah jokingly likes to call them, are predominant.

The air is so thick I’m shocked I don’t choke on it. Not moving, Noah just holds his juice, taking sips in between glaring at me. This is killing me. What the hell did I do? It’s driving me crazy. I have to say something. “Fun night?”

Smooth, asshole.

“The best, actually.” The little shit smirks.

“So happy for you.” I glare into my nearly empty mug.

“You sound thrilled.” The venom in his tone takes me aback. Daring a look, our eyes meet, and I can’t for the life of me look away.

Anger slaps me so hard.

Why the fuck did Noah go through all of this? Why did he even sleep with me and make believe shit was more than it was? Why did I fuck him? Is he crazy? Was the last three weeks just nothing to him? Fuck that. The last few months. Did it all mean nothing?

Nearly vibrating with fury, my eyes harden, then they focus on Noah’s neck, the deep bruise there on his skin.

Fuck.

“Nice.” Snorting, I get up, so fucking done with this bullshit. All common sense is lost to me. “It looks like you had a great night. Good for you, Noah.”

“Fuck you.”

Whirling on him, I run my tongue along the inside of my cheek. “Never again, I can fucking promise you that.”

I set my mug on the counter. I need space. I’m ready to scream, cry... fuck, I’m not even sure.

“Don’t you dare make me the asshole here!” Noah stomps after me. “You’re the one being a fucking asshole.”

“I’m the asshole?” My jaw ticks. “I’m not the one who ran out of here a day later to find a new dick to sit on!”

“Are you joking?!”

“Didn’t even wait for the cum to dry, did you—” My mouth snaps shut. That was... I didn’t... That was too much. Shame engulfs me. “Noah, I’m s—”

Tears well in those beautiful eyes, making them look like glass. The tips of his ears brighten. I watch him swallow. I’ve crossed a line, letting anger get the best of me.

“That was mean.” His voice cracks, and he takes a deep breath. “This hickey.” He jabs at the mark, glaring. “Is from you.” My heart falls to my stomach, watching a tear slip down his cheek before Noah wipes it away. “I know you think I’m easy, and maybe I’m at fault for that. I didn’t fuck that guy, though. Not that you’ll believe me, but fuck you anyway.” Walking around me, he storms off to his room. There’s no way I’m letting this end right here.

Following him, I catch the door as Noah goes into his room before whirling on me. “You know what, you selfish prick? I did try to fuck him.” Drawing in a breath, Noah presses his palms into his eyes. “I tried and I couldn’t even get my dick hard. All night, all I kept thinking about was you. Your stupid face. I kept thinking about the other night and what it meant to me when it means shit to you! I kept thinking about it. Over and over. When I wasn’t thinking about you I was waiting for you to call me or text me. When I wasn’t doing that, I was clicking my stupid phone and looking at my stupid lock screen for the millionth time.”

“Lock screen?” What’s he—

Grabbing the phone from his pocket, he tosses it at me. Catching it in my hands, I click it, seeing the photo I sent the other night. My head resting on the fox plushie.

Noah hadn’t responded.

He’d saved it though. Saved it and made it his lock screen.

“I’m so tired of the mind games.”

Wait. “Mind games?” Forgetting the phone, I glare. “Are you kidding me? You let me fuck you the other night and then kicked me out. You kicked me out with no explanation and haven’t said a word to me. Then last night you went out to find some random guy to fuck! Not telling me what the fuck I did, or why you won’t talk to me! Mind games?” Shaking my head I try to calm a little. “Don’t you dare talk to me about fucking mind games.”

“Stop swearing at me!” The air shifts in the room.

“Noah—”

“We... we can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore.”

“What are you talking about? Do what?” I step closer and Noah stiffens, walking back a step.

Freezing in place, Noah wipes his eyes. Green eyes lift to mine. “Everything.”

“What?”

“You fucked me like I mean something to you while also constantly reminding me you can’t give me more. I’m nothing to you. You don’t want me, but you act like you do. I’ve never—” His breath shudders on an inhale. His eyes shoot to the ceiling, blinking.

“Never what?”

“I’ve never felt like this with anyone. Never. You treat me like I matter. Like I mean something.” His chin wobbles and I hate myself just a little more. All I want to do is hug him, hold him.

I caused all this pain and for what?

“I’m done, Jamie.”

“What?”

“I’m done letting people treat me like all I’m good for is sex. It hurts so much, but when you do it, it hurts the most. This means nothing to you while it means absolutely everything to me.” Surprise hits Noah’s eyes at his confession.

Standing there frozen, my mind’s closing in around me, but the truth is clear at the center of it.

I’m in love with Noah.

That’s too much right now, though. The first time I say that to Noah, it won’t be while he’s fighting back tears I’ve caused, filled with the pain I’ve put there.

“I’m tired of this thing we do. The back and forth. I’m tired, and if you can’t see what’s happening here, I’m sad for you. We could be pretty great. I deserve someone to value me. I deserve real happiness with someone who actually cares about me. Who craves me in the way I crave you. I deserve the real thing. Not bits and pieces.”

Swallowing thickly, my eyesight blurs.

There’s nothing more important to me than the man in front of me. Noah has become part of my soul without me even realizing it. Do I deserve him? Hell no. Am I selfish enough to take him anyway?

Yes.

Taking a slow step I reach out carefully, placing my fingers on Noah’s elbow and bringing him slowly toward me. Noah steps closer but braces his hands on my chest, keeping space between us. “I haven’t slept properly since the other night. Whether it’s because I can’t sleep without you or I was so worried I’d hurt you I don’t know.” I catch a stray tear with my thumb and Noah lets out a tiny sob. “I do not deserve you.” Sighing, I crave feeling his body against mine.

His lips.

His arms.

Noah is everything good. Everything I need. “Do you hear me? You are incredible. You’re funny and so scary smart. You’re kind and sweet. I am in awe of you.” Noah wants me, and he’s the best person I know, so that has to mean something.

“I want you so fucking bad. Do you fucking hear me? You are wanted. No, fuck that. I need you. I need you so bad. I need your filthy jokes and mood swings when a book doesn’t go how you want it to. I need your shamelessness and adorable fucking attitude and the teasing jokes. The way you believe you can cook—”

Noah pulls back with a frown. “I am a Michelin-starred chef!”

Laughing, I shake my head. “No, baby. No.” I tilt his jaw to make him look at me and warmth flutters in my stomach.

Stepping forward, Noah folds himself into my arms. I press a soft kiss to his forehead and Noah chokes out a sob. I brace myself, ready for Noah to push me away but he doesn’t.

Instead, he whimpers, the sound so fucking sweet. “Jamie, you better kiss me right now.” My eyes are drawn to his, and the words take a moment to settle.

I go in for a kiss as Noah’s eyes flutter closed. Instead, I divert, running my nose along his jaw, inhaling his scent. Desire pools in my belly. “Noah.” Gently cupping his face, I tilt it up. Those green eyes hit me in the gut. “You’re mine. Do you hear me? Fucking mine.”

Noah swallows. I feel it under my thumb. “Then prove it.”

While I want to do just that, I have to know. “Was it bad? Before. Was it terrible?” I’m embarrassed as fuck but I need to know.

Noah loops his arms around my neck, a sigh leaving those pretty red lips. “The other night was the single most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced.” As I lean down to his lips Noah pulls back slightly. “You did nothing wrong. I’m sorry. I freaked out. You were perfect. It was just too much.”

“I was afraid I hurt you.”

The corner of his lip quirks. “Hurt me?” Nodding, I lean down for a kiss but Noah dodges it again. “Your dick is big but it’s not hurt-me big.”

I blink.

Then blink again.

This little asshole.

“I can’t stand you. I want you to know that.”

Noah laughs, and fuck, that sound just fills my heart, lungs, and bloodstream. It’s like trying to pull out of Lucifer’s hold as Noah giggles, latching on to me like a spider monkey.

“Get off me.” The sound of his laughter lightens any darkness left in me. I struggle to get out of his hold but Noah won’t let me go. It’s not like I’m really trying. “I hate you. You know that? You are now my mortal enemy.”

He loops his arms firmly around my neck and I stop struggling. Softening. Fucking melting. “Oh, Jamie.” Noah leans in, softly kissing the corner of my mouth. “You know how I feel about enemies to lovers.”

My eyes flick to his pouty mouth, then to those eyes I’d put way to much pain in. His soft pale skin is a flawless canvas to mark with my teeth. “We’re going to skip right past the enemies and get to the good part. Now get your cute ass on the bed.”