Thirty
Noah
The small-town bar is so different to the lively nightclubs I’m used to. While I’d intended to find a hookup, the idea’s losing appeal with every minute. What am I even doing here? Fucking someone else will not fix this shit. I know that. I just need to remind myself there are other people out there. While I’m pissed at Jamie, I’m pissed at myself more.
I know he can’t give me what I desperately want. At some point I’ll have to make peace with that. Seeing Jamie’s text last night nearly killed me. Worse, I made that photo he sent with the plushie my lock screen.
I’m so fucked.
So, so fucked.
I’m not new to heartbreak. It was basically on my rotation in college. This is more than just a hookup gone bad, though. I need to break this thing inside me and move on.
“You looking for something? Or maybe someone? Maybe I can help you find it?” Turning to an Asian man with a wide smile and an adorably cheesy pick-up line, I smile back. He’s fucking cute—about the same height as I am, soft black hair that he runs his fingers through uncomfortably, brown eyes, and soft red lips that kick up into a nervous smile on his handsome face.
He pushes his glasses up his nose, and I realize now I’ve just been staring, making him shift uncomfortably. “That’s so weird.”
“Why’s that?” He frowns.
“I think I just found it.”
That makes a blush spread on his cheeks. Reaching out, I take his hand in mine. “Bowen Zhao. I mean, you don’t need my last name, I guess. That’s weird. I mean, maybe. I’m not applying for a job. I just... I’m—”
“Nervous.”
His shoulders relax and he smiles. “Very.”
I squeeze his hand in mine. “Noah Gaitlin.” We’re far enough away from the city that he might not know who my father is, or that he owns Gaitlin Security.
“You can call me Bo. My best friend does.” Something shadows his eyes but it’s gone just as fast. “I hope I’m not bothering you. You’re just... I mean, if you’re not here for—”
“I am here for.”
Bowen smiles. “You’re really hot. And also alone. I didn’t know if you were waiting for someone.”
“Oh, I was waiting for someone.”
“Oh.” Bo goes to get up before I lace my fingers around his bicep. “Thankfully, I just found him.” Bowen’s bright eyes smile as he flags the bartender down for another drink.
Now, this should work just fine.
I can’t remember the last time I had this much fun. Well, at least with someone who wasn’t a huge pain in the ass. Having a couple of drinks, we play pool. I’m a bit rusty but Bo doesn’t seem to mind, he’s just enjoying my company. I feel pleasantly tipsy, pacing my drinks a bit.
Bowen is easy to talk to, and hilarious. In another life, if I wasn’t so gone for someone else, this would be the perfect date.
Downing my third drink, I battle the unease in my stomach and pick up my phone—and flinch. I forgot about the damn lock screen. “Somewhere to be?” I hear the insecurity in his voice and I feel like shit. “Oh, no. I’m having a great time.” I’m not ready to go home yet either.
“What were you checking. Sorry. It looked like you were checking the time. If you’re not having fun it’s okay, I—”
I place my hands on his shoulders and Bowen’s eyes flick to my lips. I go for it, leaning in slowly, waiting for Bowen’s invitation, for him to meet me the rest of the way.
He does.
Warmth spreads through my core, but it’s missing the violent twist I get when Jamie’s mouth is on mine. It’s nice, and that’s about it. Breaking our kiss, Bowen’s eyes search mine. I almost think I see uncertainty in them before heat replaces it. “You want to take me back to your place?” I ask.
His brown eyes pinch for a second before understanding hits him. “Oh! For like... sex?” he whispers.
I laugh. God, he’s cute. My fingers thread through his. “Yes. If you want. I don’t know where you live and I’m a little far away from my house.”
“I live down the street, actually.”
“Did you drive?”
Bowen shakes his head. “I needed to clear my head. My roommate and I got into a fight.”
“Roommates are the fucking worst.”
Bowen laughs, tipping the rest of his drink back. “Well, my roommate is also my best friend. I guess he’s not technically my roommate. He’s just staying with me for a bit. We’re fighting right now.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Enough about that.” Pink dusts his cheeks again. “Are you like... I mean do you like...” Those honeyed eyes look away. “Sorry, I don’t do this often. Or at all.”
I cup his face, turning his eyes back to me. “Dealers choice, babe. Whatever you need me to be.” I lean in, gripping his chin as his eyes go molten with want. I kiss him again. Soft and warm, his lips are a little smaller than Jamie’s.
Fuck. No.
I have to get him out of my mind. Bowen’s tongue swipes the seam of my lips with a soft moan. I pull back, more than ready to go. “Take me home.”
As we walk down the street, the brisk night air sobers me up some. Which isn’t good. I’m overthinking now as Bowen talks about the area. He moved here right out of high school using money he’d saved up from doing gigs here and there. His dream was to write music, or get paid to play the piano, enough to make a living from it.
Bowen is gorgeous, funny, and adorably awkward. While I like so many things about him, something feels off. Something I’m trying to ignore.
We come to a restaurant and he leads me up the side stairs to an apartment. “I’m renting from the owner. They cut my rent when I come down and play for them, like once or twice a week depending if I have time.”
“That’s really cool.”
As I follow him in, I remember what he said about his roommate. “Is your friend here?”
“No.” Bowen sighs. “He’s out finding his own source of fun tonight.” I don’t miss the edge to his tone. “We have the place to ourselves.”
The apartment is surprisingly big for being above the restaurant. The kitchen and living room share a space in an open concept, divided only by a bar with stools. I don’t miss the big piano off to the side next to the windows. A couch littered with papers and a computer catches my attention. “Cam leaves his shit everywhere.” Bowen walks up to me, looping his arms around my neck and leaning in to kiss me softly. “We can go into my bedroom, though.”
“Oh yeah? And do what?”
“Fuck me until I beg you to stop.”
Pulling back, heat floods my stomach. “Bedroom. Now.”
Bowen points to the hall. “First door down the hall.” I grip Bowen under the knees, lifting him to wrap his legs around my waist. Soft lips caress my cheek as I walk us down the hall.
My knees hit the bed and I lay Bowen down with his shirt riding up his toned stomach. “Lube is in the nightstand.” Bowen squirms. “I am on PrEP but—”
“Condoms.” Absolutely no way. I’ve already had my freak-out about Jamie fucking me bare last night. It felt... different. I’m not sure if it was the lack of condom or the large man inside me.
Bowen relaxes, nodding. “In the drawer too.”
Opening the draw, I grin wide. “And what do we have here?” I pull out the baby blue dildo, watching Bowen’s cheeks flush.
“That’s my usual date.”
Laughing, I put it back. “Well I hope I can measure up.”
“Not many have,” he teases.
Lifting up, he takes his shirt off as I follow, just trying to keep my head in the here and now. I cover his body with mine and Bowen’s hands caress my skin. With my fingers I make quick work of his buttons before he shoves his pants down. I plunge my hand inside his briefs and he moans from the grip as he ruts up into my fist. “Pretty fucking thing,” I whisper, kissing his neck. “Take them off.”
Sitting back on my thighs, I watch Bowen drag his underwear down and the way his cock slaps against his stomach. Oh, I can so fucking do this. “Take yours off.” Breathless, Bowen watches me as I get off the bed to strip off my shirt and pants.
I take off my briefs, noticing now how not hard I am.
Bowen frowns, but I don’t give him a moment to say anything as I dip back onto the bed, guiding his thighs around my waist. “Are you okay?”
I hate the insecurity in his voice. “I’m fine.” I nip his lip. “Maybe I just need your mouth.”
Bowen grins, pushing me to switch positions. Kissing me hard, he moans, waking me up a bit. “You taste good.” Bowen nips my lip. “You taste that good everywhere?”
Those words hit me full force in the chest. “Taste that good everywhere?”
Jamie, in fact, does taste that good everywhere. Watching him lost in pleasure is a beautiful thing to see. Most of the time he has a gorgeous resting bitch face, but in bed... fuck, in bed! With my lips on his body Jamie lets go and I have a feeling I’m one of only a few people to ever witness it.
Every lick, suck, and moan has Jamie responding. Glassy dark eyes, soft parted lips. When Jamie comes he has this habit of clutching his right pec as his back bows. I drink him down when he shakes under me... “Oh, there he his.”
I blink, looking down as Bowen jerks my now stupidly hard dick.
Fuck. Bowen’s pretty bow lips wrap around my cock and I squeeze my eyes shut. Okay, his mouth feels good. This is fine. I can do this.
Wet heat hugs me. It’s not sloppy like the way Jamie does it—more from inexperience than technique. Not that I care. Just watching him try that first time was enough to have me coming. He’s gotten better recently, usually making me come within five minutes. His sexy lips, those dark eyes that never leave me. My cock in that sinful mouth—
Fuck. Fuck!
I hear him pull off with a pop and roll the condom down. When I open my eyes Bowen’s looking at me. “You alright?”
“Yeah? Why?”
“You’re all tense.”
“Oh, uh... just nervous.” And unable to stop thinking about that asshole! “I’m okay.” As he straddles my waist, I drink him in. “Fuck, you’re beautiful.” Running my hand down his chest, even with the conflicting feelings I mean that shit. Pink dusts his pale skin, spreading across his chest and I rub my thumb against one of his dusky nipples.
Easy. This will be easy.
As he reaches behind himself I grab his wrist. “Wait. I need to prep you.”
Bowen blushes again. “I did it myself before I went out.” Which means this was always his end goal tonight. “You already met my first date.” I laugh thinking about the baby blue dildo.
I try to focus on the gorgeous man on top of me and not the gorgeous asshole who only the other day gave me the best orgasm of my life. Bowen is pretty, smart, and not an asshole—that I know of.
This is everything I would have wanted months ago. Way before that six-foot-tall dickhead messed with my head. Now I have feelings and wants and needs that will never be satisfied. How am I going to just live every day in that house being desperately in love with my roommate?
Fuck.
Love?
And although it slipped out, I can’t deny it. I’m in love with Jamie. “Um, Noah?”
Opening my eyes, I see Bowen’s brows pinch. “What? What’s wrong?”
“Um... I don’t know, but maybe you should ask your dick.”
“My—”
Bowen lifts off my waist, and I immediately grab him, pulling him back down to straddle my hips.
“What—”
“I don’t want to see him. Please block my view.” Bowen laughs, but I groan. “Would you happen to have a shovel?”
“Shovel—”
“I’m going to dig a hole in your back yard and bury myself alive. Don’t worry, I’ll leave a note with my body in case the cops ever raid this place and dig up the back yard.”
“How would they know I didn’t just write it?”
“Good thinking. Do you have a phone? I’ll record a video.”
“I could have forced you to record it.”
“You know, I’m trying really hard not to get you implicated in a murder. Why are you being so difficult?”
“Or...” Bowen gets off the bed and tosses me my underwear. “And hear me out. You just tell me what’s wrong.” Bowen rolls the condom off my dick, tossing it toward the little wastebasket. Coming over to the side of the bed he pats my soft cock. “There, there. It happens to the best of us.” I smack his hand away.
Cupping my dick, I glare. “Don’t talk to him! He doesn’t deserve your pity.” Bowen laughs, pulling his boxers on as I let go of my embarrassment, get up quickly, and slip my own underwear on.
“Is it me?”
“No. No. Oh my god, no. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m a fucking mess. I’m sorry.” Why did I do this? Why did I think this would solve anything? Stupid! I always do this shit. I just want to forget the other night. I want to forget the way Jamie looked, the way he held me, the way he made me feel so many things I’ve never felt before.
“What happened?”
“I’m embarrassed.”
“Well...” Bowen leans back on his bed, throwing his hands behind his head. “What if I were to tell you something first? Kind of like a confessional. Sex-fessional.”
Getting onto the bed, I roll onto my side to face him. “I’m listening.”
“My best friend went to hook up with someone he met on a dating app. We were supposed to hang out tonight, but he went to do that instead. I mean, I told him he could so I can’t be mad, but it hurt when he left me. I wanted him to choose to stay with me because I’m in love with him. I’ve been in love with him basically since high school—maybe even before that, before I even knew what love was. I just wanted to find someone to distract me. I’m sorry.”
Shame hits Bowen’s face while I can’t help but smile at the admission. “Well, not to one-up you at all but I have a confession too.”
“What’s that?”
So I tell him. I start with my father kicking me out, to meeting Jamie, to the phone sex, to the late-night talks. To moving in and everything after, all up until the other night when Jamie had taken a piece of me I was never going to get back. “So don’t feel bad. Like, at all.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“Roommates are assholes.”
“Absolutely.”
Bowen’s head turns to mine. “We are so fucked, huh?”
“Yes we are.”
“Glad to know it wasn’t me personally.”
“I would have got there.” I glare.
“Thought I was going to have to top you for a second.”
“Excuse me, topping is an art form, okay? Not everyone can just jump into the deep end. Literally.” That makes Bowen smile.
“Can I tell you what I think?” I nod and Bowen moves a little closer to me, pulling me in against his body in a hug. Fingers run through my hair and I close my eyes at the comfort. “I think that he does care about you, but something is holding him back. I don’t know what it is.”
“Does your best friend know you love him?”
It’s quiet for a moment but I don’t lose the soft caress of his fingers through my hair. “We hooked up for the first time a couple of weeks ago and everything’s been weird since. Before that, no, I don’t think he knew. But now he knows and—” His chest rises. “He still doesn’t want me. He said it was a mistake.”
“That’s hard.”
“I was okay before, you know. He only liked girls, and I could always leave it at that. It’s not me; he’s just straight. Now, though, since we messed around, it’s like knowing for sure. It’s not because I’m a guy; it’s because I’m me.”
“Well, he’s missing out. You’re awesome.”
Bowen shifts uncomfortably before trying on a smile. “Do you have a picture of Jamie?” Thinking a moment, I roll, grabbing my phone and wincing when I see the time. Fuck, it’s late, and I do not want to call a rideshare. “What?”
“It’s late. I should call a ride soon before I can’t get one.”
“Stay the night.”
“What?”
“It’s not like we’re going to do anything.” He shrugs. “Stay over. I’ll take you back in the morning. Cam has my car, but I’ll have it back then.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. Your dick may be broken, but I’d still like to cuddle.”
“My dick is not broken!”
Bowen laughs, snatching my phone and clicking it on. “Oh, wow. This him?” I nod. “He’s hot.” Looking at the image, I gently grab it back and click it off. It’s still too hard to look at.
“I think I love him.” While Mark was always my go-to person for these things, it feels nice having someone on the outside who doesn’t know Jamie, and really doesn’t know me. “I don’t know if I want to, though.”
Bowen reaches over me, shutting off the light and pulling the covers around our bodies. “I think he may surprise you.”
Bowen presses a kiss to my forehead and hugs me tighter. It’s nice and oddly comfortable. While this night did not turn out as I planned, this is way better. Tomorrow, I’ll face Jamie, but tonight, I’ll enjoy this. “Night, Noah.”
“Night, Bowen.”