Splintered Hearts

Forty One

Jamie

Fuck, I’m sweating. Nerves feel like tiny pin pricks along my skin. I shouldn’t be like this. Of all the places I’ve lived in my life, this place is home, in every sense of the word. I’ve never felt fear, even for a second, coming home.

Until today.

I’m going to puke.

It’s my own fucking fault and I know it. I’m finally ready to face it.

This is my home and it’s about time I start acting like it.

Knocking, I wait, my heart hammering in my chest, wondering if I have the wrong day. No. Third Sunday of every month. When I told Noah about the accident a couple of weeks ago I made a pact right there and then that I was going to get better. I even took a taxi over here today.

Therapy sucks, but after two online sessions I hate to admit that it’s actually helping. The door swings open, startling me, and Bri’s wide smile twists as she sees me. “Bri—” The door slams in my face. My heart falls to my feet. My grip tightens on the gift bag, my eyes stinging.

Why did I come here? Why did I think I’d be welcome here? Why did I think they’d just welcome me back after everything I’ve done? I fucked up the only place that has ever felt like home. I—

The door opens, with Xavi now in the doorway glaring at me twice as hard. “Holy fucking shit.”

“Xavier Arlo Amato! Language,” our mother yells from somewhere inside the house, as if she wasn’t the source he learned all these words from.

“Sorry Ma,” he calls out, not looking sorry one damn bit. “What the fuck do you want?” he whispers. Yeah, well... Xavi learned exactly what I’d said to Noah that awful day we got back from the lake house, and now he’s angry at me. Thanks Bri.

“Can I come in?”

“Are you a fucking vampire?” he mocks, sticking out his tongue like the immature dick he is.

“Oh my god.” Bri shoves Xavi out of the way. “Come in.”

“Thank you.” She ignores my manners which, fair. I’m just lucky to have my balls still attached to my body.

Coming into the house, so many things hit me at once. It’s been years since I’ve been here but it’s the same. My mother’s house is neat and cozy. A baby blue two-story Victorian-style house that has as much character as it’s owner. It has a big front porch and turret on the right that I’d chosen for my room. Apparently Luci thought it was haunted and didn’t want to go in there. Fortunately for me, the only ghost inside was myself. The house had belonged to Lia’s late husband, and after his sudden death at the age of thirty-three she had inherited it from him. After a lawsuit against his former employee for wrongful death she knew what she wanted to do with the money.

She wanted to give a home to kids who didn’t have one.

Lia fostered dozens of kids over the years, but only officially adopted Xavi and Luci, and me. Even though she only adopted us three her home is open to everyone. It’s a giant house, and I know she loves the feel of it when it’s full. Full of the people she loves most.

Sunday dinner is an open invitation to any of the kids she’s given a home to. It’s a constant that kids like me need. This house is a safe haven. Long ago, I’d asked her why she allowed so many kids here that weren’t hers. I was bitter and angry and didn’t understand or trust her kindness.

“Everyone deserves a safe place to call home.”

And that’s what she did. Safety was as precious as money in my world.

“What’s all the swearing about—” She freezes, seeing me. It’s like she’s seen a ghost and maybe that’s exactly what I’ve felt like lately. A ghost.

None of what happened was her fault yet I punished her all the same. I thought I was doing her a favor by not being around. She chokes on a sob, rushing across the room and squeezing me hard enough to hurt, but I don’t dare move away.

Pulling back, she cups my face as if she doesn’t believe I’m real. Her hazel eyes glaze. “Jamie?”

“Hey, Mom.” When I give her a kiss on her forehead she breaks down a little. She’s small, but she’s always acted like she’d protect me from all the evil the world has to bring, and for a while she did.

Life’s funny, though. It reminds you that no matter how hard you try sometimes shit just happens. You either grow or you break.

I’m tired of breaking.

She wipes her eyes. “Are you staying for dinner?”

Nodding, I smile. “If that’s al—”

“Shut your mouth right now,” she snaps. “Of course it’s alright!” I love her fury and grab her in another squeezing hug.

“I’m sorry.”

She hugs me back tighter, my throat closing up.

Finally we break apart and she looks around me, and fuck, I already know what she’s going to ask. It’s now I see the audience we have. “Where’s Noah?”

I hadn’t officially told her we were dating, but I know she knew. “He’s...” Gone. Gone and it’s all my fault. “Busy.” I try not to look at Hunter and Mark as the lie slips.

“Lia,” Hunter says softly. “Do you want me to give the sauce a stir?”

“Oh! I got it. You boys sit. Do you want anything? A drink?”

“No, I’m alright, Mom.”

“Okay well, make yourself comfortable.” She squeezes my arm. “I missed you so much.” I’ve always been here, and we still visit at my house occasionally, but this is different, though. She heads for the kitchen, leaving me with eight sets of eyes on me. “Well, this isn’t unsettling, one bit.”

Mark’s jaw clenches before he turns away, following Lia. While I have apologies for everyone I need a place to start. I look at Bri, who just looks more hurt than anything. “Can we talk?”

“No,” Xavi snaps.

“Oh my god.” She pushes him out of the way. “Give it a rest.” She’s gotten her hair done since I saw her last. Now her braids are dark blue at the ends and threaded with gold, piled high on her head in pigtail buns making her cute bear makeup look even cuter. “Come on.” She drags me upstairs and down the hall, and my feet nearly dig into the carpet when I realize where she’s taking me. “If you want to talk to me you’ll do it in here.”

She practically shoves me through the door and I freeze. Something breaks inside me. This is not what I was expecting. “It’s still her room,” she says softly.

It isn’t, though. It’s a fucking shrine.

“Lia didn’t want to keep it the same way. Instead, she wanted a place she could come to remember her.” Her room looks almost the same, but it’s different. Her bed is still in here, her desk and the chair she sat in and drew. The bean-bag chair is still in the corner, but instead of her things everywhere there are pictures. Pictures of her, pictures of them. Pictures she painted and awards and medals she’d won. Luci was an artist at her core and super smart. Science was her favorite, and her creativity plus super brain helped her win nearly all of the science fairs.

“Go help your mother,” Bri says to Xavi.

“Bri—”

“Go.” She stares at him until he concedes. Xavier listens to her like the obedient sucker he is for her. “That boy.” Except he isn’t a boy anymore. He’s not some thirteen-year-old kid with a crush. He’s a man now at twenty-three, with deep feelings for a girl that will never have any for him.

“Is that true? What you said to Noah. That you were getting back at him and broke up with him?”

This takes me by surprise. “I fucked up.”

“Why do you keep hurting the people around you to save face? Got to be honest, it’s not even that great.” My mouth tugs slightly. “I keep waiting for you to grow up and stop acting like an asshole. What you did to Noah was—”

“So fucked up. I know.” Admitting that, I swallow. “I love him. More than anything. I thought I was saving him.”

She shakes her head and sits on Luci’s bed. I wonder how often she still comes up here. Grabbing a pillow, she pulls it against her body. “I think that’s the worst part.”

“What?”

“Nothing smells like her anymore. Her pillows don’t smell like her hair, the clothes don’t smell like her body wash. Nothing smells like her. I knew she was gone, but the day I couldn’t smell her in here anymore... That was the moment it really hit me.”

This makes me brighten now with determination. “I want to say I’m sorry, for acting like—”

“A dick?”

“I mean—”

“A hippo’s bussy—”

“Okay, I—”

“A skunk’s nut sack?”

“Okay, enough.” She giggles and I can’t help but laugh. “I am sorry. I’ve been awful but—”

“No buts in apologies,” she warns.

She’s right. “I am sorry I’ve been awful and selfish. We all went through this terrible thing and instead of putting in the work I shut everyone out. I just shut down. That wasn’t right, and I can’t change how I treated you all. I just want to do better. For everyone. I want to change. I want to, I want to—”

“Hey.” Bri grabs my hands. “I can’t even imagine what you went through that night.” Her eyes are warm on me. “After was hard enough, but being in that car. Seeing her.” She shakes her head. “I can’t even imagine how heavy that’s weighed on you.” She rubs my hands with her thumbs, and my vision clouds.

“I just wanted to bring her home. She was so drunk. I was afraid someone would take advantage of her. I just wanted to bring her home.” She squeezes my hands and every piece of glass I’ve been patching up with glue shatters. “I wish. I wish—”

“Hey.” She pulls me against her as I lose my shit. It’s embarrassing, but kind of feels good. “I know. I know. We all wish things were different.” She holds me. “There’s nothing we can do now except live with it. You have a family, Jamie, stop acting like you don’t.” After a moment I slip out of her embrace taking deep, gulping breaths. I feel lighter, but worse at the same time.

Luci had been my first real experience of what it meant to love someone and be loved by someone. With Noah, it’s real and deep in a way I never thought possible. If this was the way Brianna had felt...

Shame clutches me. I look down at the bag wondering whether Mark would act the same way if something happened to Noah. I imagine it and it makes me fucking sick. “I’m so sorry Brianna.”

“I know you are.” She sniffs, rubbing her nose, the teddy-bear nose not smudging one bit.

I pick up the bag, handing it to her. “If you want to come over and go through the attic you can.”

Confused, she opens the bag and looks into it. “Jamie?” She laughs, pulling the strawberry out of the tissue paper. I’d won it for Luci at a fair. She wanted that thing so damn bad, and I’d spent way to much money trying to win something I probably could have bought for five bucks in a store.

It doesn’t belong to me, though, it never did.

“Really?” I nod, watching her bury her face into the plushie and snap back with wide eyes. “What... what’s that?”

“In the bag, Bri.”

Stuffing her hand inside the bag, she pulls out an object wrapped in tissue paper and slowly opens it, choking back a sob. She holds the bottle of perfume that Luci had used religiously every day like it’s a fragile newborn. It had been discontinued years ago but I found this bottle while going through her things in the attic this week. “Jamie—” Dropping the bottle on the bed, she folds into herself, crying.

I move closer, taking her in my arms and soothing her as she comes undone. “I’m so fucking sorry, Bri.” I let her cry, and maybe I cry too.

After a bit she sniffles and pulls back, pressing the heels of her palms to her eyes. Smiling at her, I can’t help but laugh. “What could possibly be so fucking funny right now, jackass?”

“Nothing.” I smooth a tear away. “Your little bear nose is still there. I thought you’d snot it off.”

She slaps me. “My makeup wouldn’t fucking dare.” She wipes at her cheeks, not disturbing the fake white freckles along her nose.

“It’s the only bottle I found.” She stands and spritzes a tiny squirt onto her clothes before carefully placing it back in the bag. Sitting back down, she places Luci’s pillow back before grabbing the strawberry plushie I’d sprayed a tiny bit on. Her eyes blow wide. “What?”

“You didn’t jizz on this did you?” I push her playfully on the bed. She laughs, sticking her tongue out. Laughter eases out of us both and it feels so much like freedom. “So, what are we going to do about the best thing that ever happened to you?”

Noah.

“He needs space.”

She nods. “He’s good for you.”

Noah is more than good for me. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. “I just need to work on being good for him too.” She squeezes my bicep. Getting up, she grabs the perfume, setting it on Luci’s dresser with the other makeup and lotions.

“I know you’ll get him back. He loves you very much.”

I’m not so sure of that, but I’m not going to stop trying.

Noah fought for me.

Now it’s time for someone to fight for him.