Splintered Hearts

Forty Two

Jamie

“I think he’s trying to kill you with his eyeballs,” Bri whispers, sitting next to me at the table. Hunter and my mother are engrossed in talking about Hunter’s new job. I know Lia’s the reason Hunter even went into social work.

While he’s busy talking to my mom his boyfriend’s eyes haven’t left me since we sat down. I’m trying my best to ignore it. “Want me to fight him?” Bri whispers.

That makes my jaw tick. “No”

“You don’t think I can?”

“I know you can, Cujo. Calm down. I got this,” I whisper.

Satisfied, she pulls back, grinning and sticking her tongue out at Mark. She clutches the plushie that hasn’t left her grip since I gave it to her. No one’s said a word about it, but both Mom and Xavi noticed the scent. Luci’s favorite perfume was this dark pink bottle from Victoria’s Secret and the memories that smell brings back are rough. Whenever she squeezes the toy a little bit will float into the air.

The first time Bri walked into the kitchen with it, my mother whipped her head around so fast, until she realized who it was coming from. Her shoulders seemed to sag a bit. Xavier, who was stirring pasta sauce, excused himself.

This is hard for everyone. Not just me.

Fuck, I’ve been so selfish.

“He’s just trying to best friend at me.” I get it, and honestly appreciate it. I’m happy Mark protects Noah. It makes me dislike him less.

Just a little.

Those icy blue eyes never leave me as he grabs a knife, clutching it in his fist before stabbing a piece of garlic bread and putting it onto a plate. Hunter stops to look at him. “Can you calm down?”

‘What?” Mark blinks innocently, pulling his glare away from me for the first time. “Just grabbing bread.” Eyes back on me he grabs the slice, biting it aggressively.

“For fuck’s sake—” Hunter steeples his fingers.

“So.” Mom looks between us. “Are we going to talk about what we aren’t talking about?” Mark looks at Mom before glaring at me. “I may be old but my ears and eyes work just fine, thank you. No judgments. I just want to know what’s going on and why that sweet boy isn’t here, and why he isn’t himself at work lately.”

All eyes go to me.

Fuck.

I guess this is my time to shine. “We... broke up,” I say softly. “Well, it’s... I mean, I—”

“Jamie hurt him. You gutted him, you—”

“Enough!” Hunter yells. “Sorry, Lia.”

She sighs deeply. “What did you do, Jamie?”

“I um . . . I uh—”

Hunter interrupts me. “When Jamie went up to the lake house he saw Ari.” That makes her eyes widen. “She lashed out and said some hateful shit to him because like all of us, Jamie, she’s hurting too. It’s easy to call her names and whatever, but she lost her sister, and unlike all of us she doesn’t have a community of people to fall back on. What she said was wrong, but I get it. I understand it.” Psychology majors. Whatever . “After that, Jamie did what Jamie does... hurt the people around him. He said something really awful to him, and hurt him really bad. Noah didn’t even know about the accident, and if your son wasn’t such a stubborn asshole he could simply have told him. Noah would have been there for him, but Jamie has the emotional intelligence of a fucking pea. Jamie apologized—he didn’t mean what he said. Noah knows he didn’t mean it but the damage is done. You can’t hurt people just because you’re hurt and scared. It’s not right. We’re all honestly sick of it.” Xavi and Bri nod. I think I see my mother look down at her napkin. “Noah doesn’t know if this is going to work, because while he’s always been open and honest, you lash out at him each time shit frightens you. That’s not fair to him. To any of us, honestly.”

“Yeah!” Mark snaps.

“And you—” Hunter’s eyes darken on his boyfriend. “Your friend is a grown adult. He can fend for himself. I’m all for helping our friends, but you handle him with kid gloves instead of giving him tough but necessary love. He’s not a child. He’s a spoiled brat who is now learning he can’t just mold himself to get his own way—”

“Hunter!”

“I’m not done.” Hunter sits now, turning his body to Mark. “I like Noah, I do, but we’ve been waiting for years to move in together, and the second Noah needs something you forget everything we planned. I’m sorry, but he’s at fault here too. Noah changes and molds himself into whatever he thinks he needs to be, to make the person he wants want him back. Jamie didn’t want a relationship. I don’t even think he was ready. Sorry,” he says to me. “Instead of listening, he pushed and pretended he didn’t either, when that’s probably the one thing Noah wants most. All because he liked Jamie. He needs to learn.” He throws a hand in my direction. “What Jamie did was shitty, but Noah knew Jamie didn’t want to be with him, and still he pushed.”

Hunter’s words chip away at any piece of hope I held. While some of that may be true, it isn’t right. Not really. Wanting Noah was never the issue. I’m just scared. From the beginning, there’s been this pull toward him I just can’t explain. Maybe it was never meant to be. This thing with Noah was scary and sweet and so fucking good. I’d give anything to go back there. Hunter’s right, though, I wasn’t ready then. But I’m sure as fuck ready now, and I’m not giving up. As I open my mouth to say all of this a throat clears behind me.

Everyone in the room freezes, their eyes going behind me.

I turn to see Noah standing in the entrance of the dining room. “Sorry, um... you said I could just come in...” Our eyes meet briefly. “I’m um... late.”

My mother throws on a smile, clearing her throat. “I’m so glad you’re here, honey.” Walking over to him she gives him a hug. Dazed, Noah leans into it, his eyes still skimming mine. “Come, sit. We were just getting started.”

“I see that.” He laughs nervously. Choosing a spot between Bri and Mark, he sits down as Lia plates him some lasagna and bread. “So, what did I miss?”

The tension snaps. Bri laughs. “I think I’m in love with him, actually.”

Noah grins at her before he looks at the plushie then to me. It’s now I realize I haven’t stopped looking at him. Not once. He’s gotten a haircut since the last time I saw him. “There’s plenty of food. Eat as much as you like,” our mother scolds. The air returns to the room as we put aside all the hurt feelings between us.

“Hey.” Noah steps out onto the porch. Xavi and Bri went home hours ago but I lingered here as Hunter and Mark helped Mom clean up. I don’t know where Noah has been, and I hadn’t had the balls to try and find him. My mother had shooed me away when I tried to help, and I understood it for what it was.

Find Noah and talk to him.

Only, I couldn’t. I’m scared. Now, here I am with the most incredible person I’ve ever met and I’m going to lose him. Sorry isn’t enough. Not even close. “So... family dinner is fun.”

I laugh. “It’s not usually so lively.” I let the quiet sink between us. I’m so used to keeping Noah in our little bubble that seeing him out like this feels weird. I miss him so bad. I want to grovel at his feet and get him back but that’s short-term shit.

Noah needs a man. A real man who will fight for him, not with him when shit gets hard. “How have you been?” he asks. My eyes lift and I just want to drown in his warmth.

“I’m . . .” Dying. “Okay.”

Noah smirks. “I almost believe you.” That makes me smile slightly. My heart squeezes in my chest. “How are you doing? Really.”

“Miserable.” I admit. “What Hunter said in there—”

“Was kind of accurate, huh? I tend to do all that.” He sighs. “I give attention to men who don’t deserve it in hopes they like me.” He sucks his teeth. “You were different from the start. I don’t care what he thinks. I want you to know that. I just wanted to be around you and couldn’t explain it. You were funny and sweet and all the things you don’t believe you’re capable of.”

“You—”

“Wait. Okay. Just let me get this out.” He takes a deep breath and I already know where this is going by the sad set of his eyes. “I love you so much.” Joy fills my stomach only to be crushed a second later. “But I’ve been thinking a lot these last few weeks.” Noah tucks his hands under his arms, hugging his body. “I’m trying to figure out the things I need and the things I want and how to get them. I want someone to love me. Me. Not because of what I do for them or to them. I’m tired of giving pieces of myself to people who never put them back when they’re done. That’s what it’s been like Jamie.”

“Noah—”

“I love being that person you lean on. I do. It’s honestly one of my favorite things. When you give me the weight you’re carrying it means you trust me enough to hold it for you.” He sighs. “It gets heavy though. I just need someone who can also carry my weight. Someone who can love me just as much as I love them. While I love helping you, you also need to learn how to carry that weight yourself and not turn around and weaponize it to hurt people who love you. I can’t teach you that. You need to learn that on your own.”

“Noah, I’m not... I don’t know what—” Fuck, I can’t form a thought.

Noah walks over to me bracing a hand on my shoulder and giving it a squeeze. “I love taking care of you, but at the end of the day, who’s taking care of me? I want a partner, not a responsibility.” A board creaks, making me flinch out of Noah’s touch.

“Hey.” Hunter looks awkwardly between us. “Sorry. Just wanted to know if you want a ride home?”

Thinking a moment, I nod. I’m still not comfortable in cars—not even a little. The taxi I took over here freaked both me and the driver out. I’m done traumatizing strangers for the day.

“Where are you staying?”

“With them.” Noah looks back at Hunter and Mark. “Just for a few more days, though. I uh... I think I found a place. I’m going over to finalize things Wednesday, then I can move in.” If I still have any pieces of my heart intact, they shatter. “I think it’s for the best.” No, this is all wrong. This isn’t supposed to happen.

What the fuck is happening? Noah belongs with me... Noah, he... looks at me with a watery smile and I know it’s over. That’s it. I fucked up and now I have to live with this.

Again.

Before I can even open my mouth to say anything Noah crouches down to my level. I can’t help myself, reaching for his face, pulling his forehead against mine. “I want you to know this is not easy for me.” His voice is soft and my vision blurs. My eyes burn.

Any restraint on my emotions snaps. Fuck, I’m crying way too damn much lately. “I know.”

“I need to do what’s best for me. Maybe for us both.” All I do is make everyone’s lives worse. I ruin everything and everyone. They’ll all leave. All of them.

“I love you so much.”

He kisses the side of my face and I feel like I’m sinking. “Bye, Jamie.”

His footsteps retreat fast and I’m left with a throbbing hole in my chest. “Holy shit.” Taking a breath I try to stop the tears but I’m unable to. I see feet again but this time they belong to Hunter. Mark hovers close, probably gloating his ass off.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know he was coming. He wasn’t sure earlier.”

“It’s fine.” At least I got to see him one last time.

“You really care about him, don’t you?” Mark asks, like it’s not an obvious fucking question.

“What the fuck do you think?” I growl.

“Hey!” Hunter snaps. “You’re mad at yourself, not Mark. Don’t talk to him like that. I know you both have issues, however stupid I find them, but you need to find some common fucking ground where I don’t want to kick both your asses. Got it? I’ve had enough! I love both you dipshits. I want you to at least be civil to each other. And I hate to break it to you, Jamie, but if you want Noah back, then you two are going to have to kiss and make up, because while their relationship is fucking weird, those two idiots love each other more than they’ll ever love us. We have to deal with that. So if you want even a shot at getting him back you’re going to have to play nice.”

For Noah, I can do that. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being an asshole.” Even though you fucking deserve it most the time. “If we can, I’d like to try and be decent to each other.”

Mark’s quiet for a moment, looking away. “I... can try that.”

Hunter kicks his shoe. “And!”

“And I’m sorry too.”

“So sweet I could fucking cry. Are we ready to go home?” Hunter asks.

Home.

Home, without Noah.

It’s not home anymore. I’ve lived in that house for years and only recently has it felt like home. It houses way too many memories. I can’t look at an inch of that place without something making me think of him. “He’s really gone.”

“His new place isn’t far.”

“He’s not coming back, he—”

“Holy fuck, Jamie! Grow a fucking spine.”

“Mark!” Hunter snaps.

“No. Don’t start with me! Not after all that back there about me always coddling Noah. Do you love him, or not?!” he shouts at me. I glare. “That’s what I thought. Do you want to be with him?”

“Of course I do!”

“Then strap your fucking balls back on and go get him back! This pity shit is so damn old. You want Noah back, fucking fight for him.” This is as close as I’ll ever get to Mark accepting our relationship.

“He’s right. You haven’t lost yet.” Hunter squeezes my bicep.

“I don’t even now how to begin. Saying sorry isn’t enough.”

Noah’s tired of people borrowing pieces of him and never giving any of their own pieces in return. Take, take, take. The wheels turn and a plan forms in my head. A solid plan. Noah needs all of me, or I’m not getting any of him. “I think I do know.”

I tell them my plan and how I’ll prove to Noah I’ve changed. Hunter smiles but Mark still doesn’t look convinced. “We’ll definitely help.”

“Yeah. I guess.” Mark shrugs. “First you need to do one thing for me.”

“What?” Fuck, I’ll do anything at this point if they—

“Get on your hands and knees and beg me.”

“Ex-fucking-cuse me?”

“Babe—”

“Do it. I’ll even help you out with the actual planning.” While this is the last thing I want to do, Mark could give me some insights into Noah I might want. Any help is appreciated. This is way to big to fuck up.

I take a spine-steeling breath, slip onto my knees and bow to him. “Please help me show Noah how much he means to me?”

“I don’t know. Maybe a little more. Give the toes a kiss.”

“I’m about to spit on your shoes.”

“A little more pizazz, come on!”

“What are...” We all look up as Lia stands in the doorway. “You know what, I don’t need to know. Have a good night, boys. I love you all. Lock the door on your way out.”

She turns back into the house. “Jamie, get up.” Hunter helps me. “Enough. We’ll help, and you two will do nothing but smile at each other from now on.”

“Fine,” Mark huffs.

“Deal.” Anything. I’ll do absolutely anything.

Whatever it takes, I’m going to earn Noah’s trust back.