10. Jasper
10
JASPER
E venings were busy as a single parent. There was no getting away from it. From the moment Jasper collected the children from school, it was all go, until he got them safely tucked into bed. And then there were other jobs to do — washing, ironing, getting uniforms ready for the next day, making packed lunches, cleaning (although vacuuming was out then as it was too noisy, so he tried to do that during the day). With a partner, these jobs were split, and things worked more smoothly, or they had done when Kimberley had been alive. Even though they’d both had jobs and the children, they’d kept the house running like a well-oiled machine. Plus, of course, there were other things like having someone to sit with during the evenings. They’d eat together at the table if they hadn’t eaten earlier with the children and talk about their days, the people they’d encountered (mainly online in Jasper’s case), and share stories to make each other laugh. Sometimes, they’d take their food and perhaps a bottle of wine through to the lounge and snuggle on the sofa, limbs entwined, and enjoy being close. Even when they’d sat together in silence, it had been comforting just knowing she was there. To feel her warmth and to hold her had been incredible. Jasper missed that intimacy because life could be hard and having someone, your person, in your corner, was unbeatable. But to have that and lose it was, he sometimes thought, possibly worse than never having it at all, because he knew exactly what he was missing. And he missed it, missed her, so much.
And so here he was again, packing lunch boxes for the next day and rattling around the large open-plan kitchen alone while his children slept upstairs. He put the lunchboxes into the fridge, then washed his hands and stood by the bifold doors that opened out onto the garden. From here, he could see the moon climbing the sky and the silvery light it cast over the sea. The areas of the water not bathed in the moonlight were dark and seemed fathomless, while the moon seemed to light up a pathway that led along the centre of the water like an ethereal ribbon. It made Jasper think about how life could be when you had a partner. Your relationship could be a safe path that led you through life, a place where light glowed, while surrounding your love there were dark places you never wanted to fall into. But without Kimberley, Jasper was teetering on the edge of the silver, held there only by the remnants of their love, almost tipping into the bleakness of loneliness and grief. What would it take for him to fall into the darkness completely?
‘Dammit!’ He shook himself and rubbed his hands over his beard. All this thinking about what he’d lost was counterproductive. It was hard to move on, even after three years, but he was trying to be strong for the children. He was trying so hard. He had to be strong for them.
His phone pinged with an alert that someone was at the door, so he picked it up and peered at the screen. Standing on his doorstep were Daniel Forsythe and Naveen Malik. The two men were waving at the doorbell camera and Naveen held up a box of beer.
Jasper took a breath before going to answer the door. Daniel and Naveen were local men who’d tried to get him to go out for a beer on many occasions over the years, but he always had an excuse not to go. However, they never stopped trying, as if hoping that one day they’d convince him. They’d also tried to encourage him to go for walks and hikes, to meet up on the beach with their children (which he had done several times) and to go out for dinner with their partners and some friends. Jasper had been worried that ‘some friends’ meant single women looking for love, and so he’d stood his ground and refused to go, but the men hadn’t seemed to take offence at his refusal. They really did seem like genuinely nice people, and he liked them, but he’d kept himself as distant as he could because letting people in terrified him.
He opened the front door, holding Wiggy’s collar with one hand, and pressed a finger to his lips then pointed above his head so they’d know the children were in bed.
‘Both sleeping?’ Naveen asked.
‘Yes, thankfully.’ Jasper laughed. ‘You guys want to come inside?’
They followed him through to the kitchen and Naveen set the beers down on the island. ‘These are cold,’ he said. ‘I got them straight out of the fridge at the shop. Want one?’
‘Don’t mind if I do,’ Daniel said, but he paused mid reach. ‘Jasper, is this OK? We don’t want to impose, but we thought you might like some company.’
‘Yes!’ Jasper nodded. ‘Yes, it’s fine. I was just making packed lunches and about to start the ironing, but hey … having company is much better.’ He smiled, but he wasn’t sure he sounded convincing enough. The last thing he wanted was to offend Naveen and Daniel because they were making an effort, and anyway, it would be nice to have some company. He was getting far too stuck in his ways and things had to change somewhere or he’d become a total recluse. The children would grow up and he’d be left home alone, a widower with no friends and no one to turn to except for his children, and who wanted to end up like that? It wouldn’t be fair on them or, for that matter, on him. And it also wouldn’t be what Kimberley would have wanted for him. Not. At. All. That wasn’t who Kimberley had been, and it wasn’t who Jasper had been when he was with her. Perhaps this was a sign that it was time for him to start, or at least to try to start, making some changes to how he was living his life.
‘Excellent.’ Naveen held out a beer and Jasper looked at it for a moment, then shook his head.
‘It’s fine. I’ll have a coffee.’
‘You sure?’ Naveen asked, tilting his head slightly.
‘Let the man have coffee, if that’s what he wants. I’ll have a coffee too,’ Daniel said. ‘If that’s OK?’
Jasper smiled then and shook his head. ‘Tell you what, I’ll take a beer. But just one, as I have to be up early with the children. I find it hard to relax on a school night.’
‘I can understand that.’ Naveen held out a bottle of beer. ‘And that’s why these are very low alcohol.’
Wiggy had been politely sniffing the new arrivals but as if realising they hadn’t brought anything for him, he went to his bed and settled down.
Jasper accepted the bottle and read the label. ‘That’s cool. All the taste and less alcohol, perfect for a weeknight.’
‘Exactly!’ Naveen said as the three of them clinked beers.
They sat around the kitchen island on the high stools and Jasper told himself to relax. There was nothing to feel anxious about and nothing to worry about. Naveen and Daniel had wanted to come here to spend time with him, and that was all good.
‘So, Jasper … We’ve tried for a while to get you to come out with us and to arrange something that doesn’t involve children and the beach, lol, but you’ve resisted so far. There is absolutely no pressure on you at all, but we want you to know that we are here for you.’ Daniel met Jasper’s gaze and he could see the concern in the man’s eyes. ‘Not in a funny way, you know, that might make you feel uncomfortable, but we like you and want you to know we’re here.’
Naveen nodded. ‘It’s true. I mean, how long have we known you now?’ He frowned. ‘Three … no, four years?’
‘About that.’ Jasper nodded.
‘And when you first moved here, you were always busy with your family, just like us, but then you lost…’ Naveen winced. ‘Sorry. Didn’t mean to bring that up?—’
‘Please don’t be sorry.’ Jasper took a swig of beer, suddenly wishing it was stronger. ‘People are often afraid to talk about Kimberley. It’s like they think saying her name will remind me of what I lost. But the thing is … I never forget. I think about her and how much I miss her every second of every day. I dream about her all the time. She’s gone, but she’ll always be in my life. I see her in the children, in our home and, well … in everything I do. That’s the thing with losing your partner, they’re never really gone, you know?’
‘Of course.’ Naveen nodded solemnly.
‘I am sorry,’ Daniel said. ‘It must be so hard. Julia, is my world. And the kids, of course.’
Daniel and Julia had three children. They’d started dating at high school and been together ever since. Naveen was married to Pete, who taught at the village primary school.
‘Yeah, and Pete is mine,’ Naveen said, placing his beer on the island. ‘The thought of losing him … it takes my breath away. So while I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through, I can imagine how awful it must be.’
Jasper nodded slowly. ‘Yeah … it’s pretty awful.’ He smiled at them both. ‘But I’m grateful for your kindness. It really helps, even if I don’t always show it.’
‘We’re here for you, buddy,’ Daniel said. ‘Anything we can do, you just have to ask.’
‘It’s true.’ Naveen picked up his bottle again.
‘I really appreciate that.’ Jasper swigged his beer. ‘So please never be afraid to say Kimberley’s name and never feel you need to walk on eggshells around me. I won’t break.’
‘Good to know.’ Naveen drained his bottle. ‘Now who’s for another beer?’
He passed them all a bottle and Jasper finished the first one before opening the next. He’d never had other men sitting around his kitchen island like this, and he found he was enjoying it far more than he’d have expected. They spent the next hour talking about a range of subjects like football scores (not something he had much interest in, but he knew enough to weigh in when Manchester United fan Naveen waxed lyrical about the team’s performance), what was happening politically in America (some of it rather unsettling), how the children were getting on at school and spring events coming up in the village. It was good to talk, and Jasper felt himself unwinding. The thing with being alone and not having anyone at home to speak to other than the children was that it could get lonely. It could be hard, and he often ended up too lost in his own thoughts. Adult company was important, and he was very aware of how much he had missed it and how uplifting it could be just to talk to people who understood and who were at the same stage of life as him. Yes, they hadn’t lost their partners, but they had been through other losses — grandparents, parents, and friends — and so there was some understanding of the grieving process.
‘The thing is, Jasper,’ Naveen said, ‘People often say time’s a healer, but I don’t really agree with that. Time doesn’t heal so much as provide us with a chance to make space in our lives for grief. It allows us to accept that the grief will always be a part of our lives and to learn to live with it. I miss my dear old Nanna terribly and she passed away when I was fifteen. She lived with us, and she was a huge part of my life. When she passed away in her late seventies, I was devastated. That was seventeen years ago, but I can still hear her voice, smell her lavender perfume, and remember how it felt to hug her. She was a tiny woman, but she had the biggest personality and when she died, she left a huge space in our lives. It takes time to get used to that space and to process the fact that someone is gone. I think we keep expecting to wake up and find it was all a dream and that they’ll walk through the door. But, of course, that doesn’t happen. It can’t happen. Doesn’t stop us wishing it would though. It’s OK to feel that way and it’s perfectly normal too.’ He gazed over at the bifold doors and Jasper followed his gaze to where the moon had shifted position, now highlighting another area of the sea. ‘Yup … grief changes, but it never leaves us.’
‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ Jasper said. ‘However long ago it was doesn’t matter. Loss is loss.’
‘Thanks.’ Naveen nodded. ‘And I am very, very sorry for yours.’
Daniel got up and walked over to the doors. ‘Cracking view this, Jasper.’ He gestured at the sea. ‘You know what? I think that it’s OK to lean on other people. We’ve all loved and lost and will continue to do so as life moves on. It’s inevitable that we’ll lose loved ones along the way. And one day, who knows when, we’ll be gone too. But leaning on others is fine. People need people and we are here to support you, Jasper, and one another.’
‘Thanks.’ Jasper nodded. ‘It really does mean a lot.’
He got up and joined Daniel at the doors and Naveen followed him, then the three of them gazed out at the view. They stood there for a while, silently supporting one another. Sometimes, silent support was as good as that filled with words. And a funny thing happened. Jasper felt the tension in his shoulders crack like someone had taken a hammer to a block of ice, and a few chips fell away. It was a weird feeling, and he rolled his shoulders as if to shake it off. That didn’t happen, of course, because three years of grief had tightened his shoulders right up. But just to be aware of a slight easing there was incredible.
‘I don’t know about you guys, but I’m a bit peckish,’ Jasper said. ‘You fancy some nachos?’
‘I thought you’d never ask,’ Naveen said with a chuckle.
‘Sounds perfect.’ Daniel grinned. ‘Point me toward the cheese grater and I’ll help.’
Jasper led the way, feeling lucky to have two friends to support him, just as he would support them. Everyone had to start somewhere, and this was, he thought, a step in the right direction.