16. Ashford
SIXTEEN
Ashford
I was sitting alone at a dark corner table at Hearthstone, nursing my second beer, when Grace came up to me. “What are you doing over here all by yourself? You look like you’re brooding.”
“Probably because I am brooding.”
The majority of my anger was directed at myself. But still. Brooding.
“You want to tell me why? Or do I have to guess?”
I took a long pull of my beer.
Maisie was staying at Piper’s tonight. Teller had bought Ollie a telescope, and the kids were going to stay up to see stars. Maisie had begged and pleaded until I agreed. Which had left me to my own devices.
It had been two miserable days since that incident in the kitchen. The pink envelope covered in stickers and addressed to my daughter.
The fucking nerve, sending that to my home.
What if Maisie had gotten to it first, instead of me? But in a way, it wasn’t surprising. Those phone calls from Los Angeles had been getting more frequent. I had known she would escalate eventually. Not that I had a clue what to do about it.
The real issue was me. How I had reacted in front of Emma. I hadn’t known what to say to make her understand. How could I, when this was a secret that even Grace and Callum didn’t know?
So instead of coming up with something that would make me look like a reasonable human being, I had impulsively told her that kissing her was a mistake. My actual mistake was hoping I could somehow wish my problems away. That if I ignored them hard enough, they would disappear.
But nothing about Emma could ever be a mistake.
Those words had been haunting me in the two days since. Yet I couldn’t take them back, either. Because then I would have to explain.
Hence the reason I was brooding.
“I think Emma’s going to move out,” I said.
Grace got a strange look on her face. Then she pulled out the chair opposite me and sat down.
“That wasn’t an invitation for you to make yourself comfortable.”
“Since when do I need an invitation?” She reached across the table, snagged my glass, and took a sip. “Why do you think Emma’s going to move out?”
“Because I overheard her saying something to Dixie.”
“But she hasn’t said anything to you?”
“Not really.” Probably because Emma and I had gone back to not speaking much. She was amazing at being the ideal babysitter and all-around fairy godmother to my daughter, while having as few interactions with me as possible.
Grace rolled her eyes. “Why don’t you just ask her about her plans? She’s here tonight.”
“Where?” I sat up straighter, glancing around at the other tables and at the bar.
There she was, sitting at a table by herself and writing in her journal. The one I’d bought her. I took some satisfaction in that. At least she didn’t despise me so much that she’d gotten rid of it.
“All right, enough sad broody faces,” my sister said. “Out with it. What happened, exactly?”
I couldn’t tell her that. So I went with, “We had a fight.”
“That’s exactly why fucking your roommate is a bad idea.”
I sat back so hard my chair bumped the wall behind me. “Geez, Grace.”
“Did you think your little sister didn’t know that word? You and Grayden taught me the f-word by the time I was ten.”
“Still don’t want to hear you saying it in that context. Especially about me .”
She smirked. “What about when I’m discussing my conquests? Not that I have a lot of those.”
I cringed. “Please stop. I’m not sleeping with Emma. Just so you know.”
“But you want to.”
I wasn’t denying it. I swiped my beer from Grace instead.
“What about the fact that she’ll be leaving in a couple months?”
“I’d say that’s low on the list of my worries at this point. She’s barely even speaking to me.”
“You’re really upset about this.”
“ Yes , I am.”
Grace tapped her fingers on the table for a few seconds. For some reason, she looked guilty. “Did Emma tell you I stopped by to have a chat with her?”
“You did what ?”
“Elias told me she’d moved in with you. I thought that was pretty sudden. So, I went over to meet her. I basically told her not to get involved with you unless she’s serious about it.”
“Who said I’m looking for something serious?” Though as I said that, it hit a wrong chord inside me. What I felt for Emma wasn’t just casual. Otherwise, why would I be so torn up over it?
“I just don’t want you getting hurt,” Grace said. “I’m aware that Callum has been telling you to have a fling, but the woman sharing your business space and your apartment might not be a good choice. I should’ve told you I spoke to her, though. For that, I’m sorry.”
Like me, my sister was cautious about taking risks. I never had to worry about Grace getting into dangerous situations or being careless with her wellbeing. That was probably why I’d felt comfortable being in the Army, stationed on the other side of the country, while she was in college.
But it wasn’t a great feeling for my little sister to be stepping in to protect me. It was supposed to be the other way around.
“I messed up with Emma all on my own,” I said. “That wasn’t your fault.”
“Yet you won’t tell me exactly how you messed up.”
“And I’m not going to.”
She sighed and adjusted her glasses. “There’s one more thing I need to say.”
“I am not going to like this, am I?”
“Is it possible you’ve been lonely for so long that you’re latching on to the first pretty, nice woman to fall in your lap?”
I looked over at Emma’s table again. Longing throbbed in my chest. Was Grace right? Was I so closed off I couldn’t even see my own motives?
“There’s so much stuff we don’t discuss in this family,” Grace said. “Like about our childhood. We all pretend like none of it matters anymore, but it does.”
“Do you remember me telling you about my best friend from the Army? Dane Knightly? He grew up with more privilege than you or I can imagine. Mansions and nannies and boarding schools.”
“You told me about him. I seem to remember he offered to fly us all to New York one Christmas, and you didn’t take him up on it.” She poked my shoulder. I chuckled.
“That may have happened. But Dane’s childhood wasn’t happy either. We all have shit to deal with.”
“I wasn’t talking about how much money we had. I meant how Mom practically had to raise us herself, and when she died, Dad couldn’t be bothered to step up. And Grayden’s issues. We could try to find our brother. Don’t you ever wonder how he is?”
“ No ,” I said sharply. “Absolutely not.”
“But it might help if you and Cal and I face that stuff instead of hoping it’ll disappear. This family is worth it. You are worth it. You’ve done so much to make Maisie the joyful, healthy little girl that she is, but you have to take care of yourself too.” She got up to hug me. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
But this conversation hadn’t made me feel any better.
After Grace left, I ordered some food. I saw Emma do the same over at her table. Every time I glanced at her, she was looking away. Maybe she hadn’t noticed I was here at all.
My potato skins arrived. I stared at the basket of food and decided I was being stupid. I had to say something. Be a man about this and apologize. What was the point of us both sitting here in this crowded brewery by ourselves?
But as I picked up my beer and food to join her, I saw some guy walk over to Emma’s table and start chatting her up. Beating me to the punch.
What the hell was this?
I’d never seen this guy before. Looked like a tourist, with his expensive athletic clothes. Probably came here after a day of mountain biking. He was leaning over Emma’s table and grinning at her, the flirtation obvious even from across the room.
She wasn’t going to fall for that. Was she?
But then she picked up her plate of nachos and her drink and joined the tourist guy at another table, where his friends were waiting. A mix of men and women, all in their twenties. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but it was obvious greetings were being exchanged.
I sat back down heavily in my seat, my mood even blacker than before.
“Excuse me. Is this seat taken?”
I turned to see a blond by my table with her hand on the empty chair across from me. I nodded, thinking she needed to take the chair. “Go for it.” Not like I needed it, since I was very much a one-man show at the moment.
But then the blond sat down, smiling and biting her lower lip nervously. When Emma wore that expression, it usually made me want to pull her closer. But on this stranger, it made me wary.
“My friends dared me to come over here.” She flipped her hair past her shoulder, gesturing at another table of women who were watching us and grinning. “My boyfriend and I broke up yesterday, and apparently I’ve been moping, so they’re peer pressuring me to meet new people.”
“That’s not very nice of them. Moping can be very satisfying.”
“I know, right? I was doing fine at home with my gallon of ice cream before they shoved me in the car and drove me out here.” She smiled again, eyes crinkling. “I’m Callie.”
“Ashford.”
“I have to admit, I was curious why you’re sitting here by yourself. Waiting for someone?”
I grunted noncommittally. “Not really.”
She brightened, as if my response had encouraged her.
Shit.
Callie tried to make conversation with me, and I did my best not to be rude, though my best wasn’t that great. She was probably in her thirties, like me. Seemed like a nice person. I was sorry she’d had a bad breakup. But it was hard to muster the energy to be friendly.
Not when I could barely look away from the horror movie unfolding across the room.
Mountain-biker guy had his arm draped on the back of Emma’s chair. As if he hadn’t met her all of ten minutes ago. Then he leaned closer, saying something into her ear.
The vein at my temple pulsed.
“So, who is she?” Callie asked.
“What?” I grunted.
“That pretty brunette at the other table. Someone special?” She smiled and took a sip of her martini. “It’s okay, I already figured out I have zero chance with you. I’m just wondering why you’re over here , since you so clearly would rather be over there .”
I heaved a sigh. “She’s my roommate. We had an argument the other day. Haven’t made up.”
“Why not?”
“It’s complicated.”
“But you miss her.” It wasn’t a question.
“I do. She’s…” I sorted through the words that surfaced in my head. Smart. Determined. Funny. Beautiful . “She means a lot to me.”
That realization hit me like a left hook. Should’ve seen it coming, but it stunned me all the same.
I wanted to make Emma laugh. Spend time with her, and feel the warmth of her smile on me. I wanted to hang out with her and Maisie. The three of us.
Grace had it wrong. I wasn’t going for the first woman to come my way. I’d had opportunities before. Emma was the first woman who’d broken past every barrier I put up just by being her .
“Then what’s stopping you? Is it the guy she’s sitting with?”
“ Him ? No. He’s nobody.” Unless she decided to leave here with him, but I didn’t care to consider that possibility. “It’s me. My last relationship…ended badly.”
Callie tapped her glass against mine. “I feel you there.”
The other day, when that envelope from LA had arrived, it forced me to think about Lori’s secrets. Things that still weren’t resolved, even three years after losing her. I’d been holding on to the idea that I would understand her death someday. I was stuck picking up the pieces and trying to make some sort of picture with them.
They were never going to fit.
I was afraid of what might happen if the world knew the truth I was hiding. But the tighter I held that secret, the harder it was for anyone to get close.
I wanted to hold Emma close. So damn much.
I glanced at her table again. Then I cursed. My head swiveled as I looked for Emma, but she was gone.
“Oh, no.” Callie gave me a sympathetic look. “The guy next to her is gone too. They must’ve left together. I’m sorry.”
No way. I was not going to let this happen. Not after what I’d just realized. “I gotta go.”
“Are you going after her? Please say you’re going after her.”
“Yeah. I am.”
“Good luck!”
I ran for the door.