37. Anne
37
ANNE
M y bed is too hot and uncomfortable as the screen of my phone shows it’s 3:30 a.m. and scenes from tonight replay in my mind. Everything—from the dirty scenes (which are plenty to choose from), the eye contact he held once I realized which one was him, the way he kissed me after, to the way he cleaned my body and rubbed oil to care for my chafed skin.
The skin that feels weird now. It could be the aftereffects of the ropes, but I think it’s missing something. His touch. His warmth.
I’m in awe he did that. Read one of my favorite books and made a fantasy come to life.
But it’s so much more than that. The way he pushes me out of my comfort zone. The way he gives me exactly what I need. The way he sets me free of the shackles of expectations, letting me be who I want to be.
How typical of me . I huff a loud breath .
It’s purely sexual between us, and here I am—romanticizing the whole thing.
Silly Anne. You never learn, do you?
Luckily, the images of tonight are powerful enough to snap me out of the self-deprecating funk, and after replaying the whole night four times in my head, I manage to fall asleep.
I sleep in on Sunday, but when I wake up, Luna isn’t here, pushing her ass in my face or massaging me with her little cat paws. It’s weird. She does that every single morning.
A bad feeling starts in my gut as I leap from the bed.
“Ps-ps-ps-ps,” I call to her, but there’s no answer.
“Luna!” I scream when I notice her limp body on my living room floor.
Her tongue sticks out, her eyes open but unresponsive. She’s breathing, luckily, her little cat heart still pumping which is the only thing keeping me sane.
I search frantically for my phone, dialing the first person that comes to mind.
“Hey,” his deep voice fills the speaker.
“Lennox,” I sob into the phone, but he doesn’t let me continue.
“What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” He’s breathing heavy now, as if rushing.
“It’s Luna. Something’s wrong with her. I can’t wake her up.” Panic laces each word.
“I’m already in my car, Firecracker. Just find her transporter.”
Inhale. Exhale. I try to calm my breath down.
“OK,” I murmur.
By the time he gets here, Luna woke up but she’s not her usual self. She looks like she’s on drugs, barely able to stand, her body swaying to one side.
He greets me with a short but deep hug, his scent giving me a sense of calm.
“You were the first one I thought to call,” I say, apologetically.
“Of course. Let’s go, baby.”
He called me baby.
He grabs Luna’s transporter, careful not to shake it, and we head to the vet clinic.
His huge arm is wrapped around my shoulders while we wait for her name to be called, keeping me from completely freaking out.
“Luna Bailey,” the vet’s assistant calls and we scurry inside. I thought I would be going in alone, but Lennox follows behind, not letting me out of his sight.
The vet asks questions. Questions I answer on autopilot because I’m not fully there. She does some tests on Luna, examining her thoroughly.
When she’s done, she shoots me a small smile.
“Luna will be fine,” the vet says, and relief washes over me. “She had a seizure, but I don’t see any permanent damage.”
“A seizure? Can it happen again?”
“It can. But we have medicine for it, and I suggest Luna take it for at least three months before we try to take her off it.”
“But she’ll be fine?”
“Yes. The seizure is physically draining, that’s why she’s still not fully herself. She’ll probably spend the day lounging around, but that’s perfectly normal.”
I finally inhale a deep breath, filling my lungs. Luna will be fine. She won’t be another loved one I lose.
We deal with the paperwork; the vet gives me the prescription for Luna’s meds and, exiting the clinic, I feel a hundred pounds lighter than when we entered.
Lennox drives in silence, his large palm placed on my thigh.
“Thank you,” I say when he parks in front of my building.
“No need to thank me. Let me help you carry her upstairs.”
I nod, grateful for every moment I get to spend with him, though the carrier and Luna weigh six pounds all together.
The last twenty-four hours have been an emotional whirlwind. It’s hard to discern the feeling in my stomach from the adrenaline of last night and today. The panic from the lust. The overwhelm of everything that happened from something much more dangerous.
Lennox probably notices my inner turmoil, because he asks, “Are you going to be OK?” His eyes are full of concern, his touch feather light on my chin.
I nod, though there’s really no way to tell. I feel like I’m overdosed on all the emotions coursing my bloodstream.
A moment passes while we stare into each other’s eyes. Another one.
And on the count of three, his lips connect to mine.
His lips are heaven. Soft and exploring, they fit my own perfectly. I fall into the kiss while the emotions inside of me fall in line, like pieces of a puzzle. One by one, they all disappear. All but one.
One I promised not to feel.
I break the kiss, my eyes wide.
“I think we should stop this,” I say, all in one breath.
“Was something wrong?” His face scrunches, concern still visible.
“No.” I shake my head. “And that’s the problem. We had a deal… and I promised I would tell you.” My gaze falls to the side as I chew on my inner cheek. “We should stop this.”
His face is blank as he processes what I just said. When he does, the corners of his eyes turn down, his expression disappointed.
He puts his hands into the pocket of his jeans, his gaze moving to the floor before he eventually looks up, the blue of his eyes turned glossy. Every cell in my body screams for him to tell me it’s not over. To tell me this is just the start… of something amazing.
But instead, he says, “OK.” And I feel like I’ve just been slapped.
“OK,” I repeat, though nothing about this is OK.
“I’m glad Luna is fine,” he says before leaving my apartment.
I’m left standing there, as all the emotions from before pummel back.
You don’t get to be devastated , I tell myself. You knew exactly what you were getting yourself into. This was literally the deal. You’ll have sex, and when your silly little heart develops feelings, the sex will stop.
Before I’m able to stop them, tears form in my eyes. I take care of Luna, giving her food and placing her onto her barely used cat bed.
I hold it together until I sit on the couch, where I ultimately break down. My sobs and sniffles fill the room as tears stream down my face.
I knew it was just sex. I knew he had no actual interest in me. And like a goddamn idiot, I’ve still fallen for him.
It wasn’t like falling off a cliff, I would’ve noticed that. It was slowly sliding downhill each time he showed me a piece of himself. Each time he showed me I’m worthy. He was the first person I wanted to call when I was scared for Luna. He was the person who held me and showed me support. And when he kissed me, no sex involved, I realized I was already there. I’ve fallen for him.
A part of me hoped that when I said our deal was done, he would tell me he wanted something else, something more .
It was easy to blame Bryce for leading me on, but this one is fully on me. Lennox never led me on. He was honest about what he wanted, apprehensive about our deal, and I was the silly girl who overestimated herself.
My phone pings with a text—a text I barely manage to read with the fog in my eyes.
My sister.
Kaitlyn:
Maddie misses you.
That’s it. That’s the text. And I would be furious for the guilt trip she’s trying to take me on if I wasn’t missing Maddie so damn much.
Me:
I miss her, too.
Kaitlyn:
You’re welcome to come for dinner.
I think for a second, before replying.
Me:
I’ll be there.
I’m sitting in the office break room on Monday morning when Natalie and Matt jump me.
“Hey, are you all right?” Matt asks me, his deep green eyes filled with worry.
“You know ?” How the heck would they know about Lennox and me?
“Erm…” He looks uncomfortable. “Natalie told me about Luna.”
“Oh.” I exhale a relieved breath. “I’m fine. She was bedridden for half of the day, but by the evening she was back to her old shenanigans. She got some meds, and she should be fine.” My lips turn up. It was amazing to see her play again.
“Good.” He returns the smile, but Natalie eyes me suspiciously.
“Hmm… what did you think he knew?”
My first instinct is to play it off. But for one—it’s Natalie. She’s like a dog with a bone when she sniffs something’s there. And second, what’s the point? The whole idea behind keeping it a secret was because they would tell me it’s a horrible idea. It’s too late to do that now.
So instead, I opt for the truth.
“About me and Lennox.” I shrug.
Her eyes widen but it’s not shock, it’s excitement. Her gaze snaps to Matt’s and she lands a loud smack to his shoulder. “I told you. I freaking told you something is up between them.”
“You did?” I ask, my voice soft.
“Yeah, there was this weird energy emanating from the two of you. And he was always giving you heart eyes.”
I snort, because it’s obvious she was imagining things. “He”—I inhale deeply—“was definitely not giving me heart eyes. It wasn’t like that between us. It was just… sex.” My voice turns barely audible.
Matt is the perceptive one now, shooting me a concerned look. “Was?”
I sigh before getting into the whole story. “Uhm… we were friends with benefits for a while. It all started at Bryce’s wedding.” Natalie shoots Matt an ‘I told you so’ look. “But it ended yesterday.”
“Why did it end?”
“Erm… the deal was no feelings, you know? But you know me.” I shrug. “So, it was best to call it off before someone gets hurt.”
“And did it work?” I know exactly what she’s asking. She’s asking if we called it off early enough.
“No,” I whisper, tears welling in my eyes.
“Oh, honey.” She scoots closer, embracing me. Matt does the same on the other side.
“You should have called us yesterday, Anne. We would have kept you company.” Matt draws soothing circles on my back.
“Don’t worry about it. I went to see Maddie.”
Natalie groans, knowing it means I saw the rest of my family, too.
She’s not wrong, seeing them on a good day is dangerous, but seeing them when you’re an emotional wreck is downright masochistic.
“It was better than I expected,” I tell her. “Kaitlyn tried to pull me into her old ways, but I stood my ground.” A proud grin appears on my face. “I told her I don’t want to hear opinions on my life. And if it continues, I will go no contact, no matter how hard that would be for me. I shut her up. For now.”
Natalie squeezes me a little bit harder, but my chest fills with air. Even at my worst, I still haven’t felt like I needed to make her happy. Like I needed to be who she wanted me to be. It wasn’t my favorite dinner ever, but it was fine.
And I owe that to Lennox. He taught me to appreciate myself. Which makes the fact that I lost him even more devastating. In this short period of time, he gave me so much.
A thought pops into my mind.
“Please don’t tell Rina,” I say. Rina is on maternity leave because her due date is getting close. “I don’t want things to be awkward between Connor and Lennox.”
“Sure,” Natalie responds, still holding me. We stay like that, the three of us, until my tears dry out and I’m ready to go back to work.
This whole thing was about taking chances.
I did it. I got hurt, but I also grew so much. In that moment, I decide that as soon as the fresh wound becomes a scab, I’ll be grateful for the experience. I’ll be grateful for what I had with him, even if it led nowhere in the end.