25. Olivia
Chapter 25
Olivia
Pieces of me are now broken and misunderstood.
I ’m kissing Holden.
I’m kissing my husband.
I don’t know if this is some post-traumatic response to what happened in the car, but if it is, I don’t care. I’m so tired of resisting my attraction to him. Is this smart? Possibly not. But something inside me clicked tonight, and I just don’t care anymore.
Maybe it was the near-death experience, but I’m tired of letting my brain lead instead of my heart.
Right now, I just want to feel.
I want his lips to remind me that I’m still alive.
At first, he doesn’t react, but after a few torturous beats and a growled, “Hurricane,” he kisses me back.
Game over.
Holden seizes my head in both of his big palms, tilting it for a better angle to devour me. His mouth moves against mine with such desperation that I wonder if he’s been waiting for this to happen for as long as I have.
This is your first kiss with him.
My breath hitches at the deep ache in my chest. Something heavy is yanking at my heart, stretching it in almost unbearable ways.
His tongue strokes against mine, curling my toes in response. Heat floods my body, and the throbbing in my core is so intense that I’m absentmindedly wondering if I could come from kissing him alone.
My body has a mind of its own, shifting closer until my chest almost touches his without ever breaking contact with his mouth. At this point, someone might have to pry me off this man. Because how can a kiss feel so good? This all-consuming? How can it stir something so substantial inside me without him ever touching me elsewhere?
As if he heard my thoughts, Holden’s hands trail from my cheeks, over my jaw and throat, and down my back until they palm my butt. They dig into my ample flesh with such force, I have to steady myself with my hands on his shoulders. One quick pull toward his body, and his hardness presses against my core.
Holden draws back and looks at me with glazed eyes. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”
He pushes his hips up, sending new sparks through my entire body. My eyelids fall shut of their own accord, and I revel in these unfamiliar sensations Holden elicits. He’s awakening something I wasn’t sure existed after the terrible to mediocre experiences I’ve had so far with men.
I’ve never been this aroused before with a partner. Never this alive . I didn’t even know it could feel this way. Curiosity fills my veins—a need to explore more—to see how else he can steal my breath.
Planning on doing exactly that, I lean in once more when someone clears their throat. Holden’s eyes widen like mine, letting reality sink in. We just made out on the couch in the living room, with Archer only feet away in the kitchen.
“Thanks for that little uh . . . show. Not that I was watching or anything. Well, not a lot, anyway. But can I just say you two are hot together, capital H-O-T, and I’m not gonna lie, I’d pay to watch an entire show if you know what I?—”
“Archer,” Holden snaps his friend’s name like a whip.
Meanwhile, I half bury my burning face into Holden’s neck, peeking enough to see Archer and his shit-eating grin.
He raises his hands. “Sorry, bro, just telling the truth. If either of you is into voyeurism, I’m your guy.”
I laugh. “Archer, stop.”
“Fine. You guys are no fun.”
Holden lets out a disgruntled breath. “I swear to you, I’m going to murder you in your sleep tonight if you won’t shut up right now.”
Archer frowns as if we just took away his favorite toy. “So you don’t want me to tell you Jax is back? I thought you might want to talk to him.”
“How about you lead with that next time?”
“Whatever.” Archer turns and walks away, even his footsteps somehow managing to sound pouty.
I lift my gaze to Holden’s.
He brushes his fingertips over my forehead and temple, the movement soft and comforting.
His eyes stare into mine, searching for something. “Will you be okay by yourself for a few minutes? I need to talk to Jax to see if he’s got news about the assholes who attacked us.”
His words successfully slam me straight back into reality.
Shit. We were attacked not too long ago, and my brain is all fuzzy with how good he can make me feel.
You needed the distraction, and he happily provided it.
Although I don’t want to be alone, I nod anyway. “Sure.”
Holden looks to where Stormy is still lying on the couch. “You keep her company, okay?”
Stormy huffs a quiet woof as if she understood him.
I just made out with Holden right next to her. Should I feel weird about that? Do dogs know what’s going on? And why am I suddenly thinking about all of this?
“Hurricane.”
My gaze snaps to Holden’s.
He studies me, biting the corner of his mouth. “Gorgeous, you need to get off me so I can get up.”
“Oh, oops, yes, sorry. Of course.” I scramble off him, almost sitting down on Stormy’s paw. “Sorry, girl.”
Holden stretches to his full height, adjusting himself. He felt big underneath me, but staring at the bulge in his pants, he appears even more impressive.
“Stop staring at me, or I won’t be able to leave you, and Jax will have to come to us.”
I lick my lips. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I like your eyes on me. Just maybe not when I need to have a brief with one of my employees.” He leans down and tilts my chin until I meet his gaze. “But just in case there’s any doubt, we’re far from done here. Do you understand?”
Without thinking, I nod as much as his grip allows me to.
“Good.”
The distance between us disappears, and his mouth lands on mine with a press so gentle, a sharp pang echoes in my chest. Leaving me wanting. Yearning. Needing more of these kinds of kisses too. The ones that should be accompanied by soft touches and light brushes of fingers on skin.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
I nod again. “Okay.”
He walks away, my gaze glued to the spot he just vacated until a wet nose bumps against my hand. That nudge draws me out of my haze, and I stand. “Come on, girl, let’s go outside.”
Stormy perks up immediately, knowing exactly what I’m talking about. She beats me to the patio doors, barely letting me open them before she squeezes through and takes off.
I follow her, stepping onto the covered back patio that’s framed by sturdy wooden beams.
They would be so cute with soft white lights strung to them.
Great, now I’m already redecorating Holden’s place.
For a moment, I just stand there and breathe, letting the fresh air expand my lungs.
The three-person porch swing steals my attention. I walk past the planters filled with winter greenery and sit on the plush cushions, swaying front and back.
It’s the perfect spot to relax while still keeping an eye on Stormy. She zooms around, chasing the birds that have either stayed behind or have returned early and sniffing at every bush, hedge, and inch of grass she comes across.
She’s already in love with this place, and I must admit I’m not far behind. I love my condo and the buzz of the city. Having so much at my fingertips was one of the major appeals and why I moved there.
But the privacy out here is hard to beat. I can take Stormy out anytime I want, sit outside with a cup of coffee, or dip in the pool without worrying about people watching me or taking pictures. It’s priceless and precious. I didn’t realize how much freedom and security would mean to me until we got here.
Plus, Evie lives only minutes away. The closer proximity may allow us to see each other more often than the few odd times a month we’ve been managing with our busy schedules.
Besides, it just feels right. This place. Holden. Many questions are still unanswered, and I know I need to be cautious, but I also just want to feel. I want to allow myself to soak in and explore this newfound curiosity.
I put my hand on my chest and close my eyes.
“Close your eyes, monkey. Do you feel the sunshine on your face? Do you hear the birds chirping in the trees? Do you feel the wind on your skin and in your hair? How does it make you feel in here?” My mom takes my hand and gently places it on my chest, the smile in her voice unmistakable.
I don’t think before I blurt out, “Warm and happy.”
My mom giggles. “Always remember this feeling, monkey. And if you get lost, try to find it again.”
“Okay, Mommy.”
The memory leaves behind a hollow ache in my rib cage. It’s one of my last memories of my mom and one of my favorites. It’s been a while since I thought about it and her wild yet kind nature. She always encouraged me to explore and not let myself be boxed in by societal rules or standards if they didn’t feel right. She wanted me to be me unashamedly but to do so with a gentle heart.
And then, she was gone from one day to the next, and I had no choice but to live with my aunt. Nothing could have prepared me for that life. She made no secret of her hatred for my mom, or how she blamed her for luring my dad away from his family and community with her eccentric nature. She didn’t waste a second telling me she wouldn’t allow that behavior in her house.
I never told her how my dad told me how unhappy he was until he met my mom at a local market. She was traveling the country and was checking out the nearby hiking trails. Her smile and enthusiastic nature immediately enamored him. When she asked if he wanted to join her, he said yes without a second thought. She extended her stay in a nearby town to spend more time with him, and once it was time for her to leave after a week, he grabbed his things and left with her. He always said my mom was the best thing that ever happened to him and that she saved his life. He never talked about his family, but my mom mentioned once they weren’t friendly people.
My aunt made sure I learned that lesson daily.
“Why am I even wasting my time with you? Trying to change you into a proper young lady when you’re just like her?”
“Just look at you. No man’s going to want all that chub you’re carrying around. No dinner for you for a while.”
“If you only put a little effort into it, maybe you’d look half-decent.”
“I can’t wait for the day I can finally get rid of you.”
“I found someone willing to marry you. You better not screw this up.”
Tears prick the corners of my eyes. I hug my arms around myself, wishing I could pull my younger self into an embrace too.
Holden saved me from much more than a marriage I didn’t want.
The swing halts, then continues, and I hastily wipe my fingers under my eyes.
“Is Holden that bad of a kisser?”
A laugh bursts through my lips at Archer’s ridiculousness.
I shake my head and peek at him. “You’re terrible.”
He holds his hands up in front of him, all fake innocence. “Just checking. You looked like you were really enjoying yourself, but maybe I was wrong.”
I cover my face with my hands. “Oh my God, stop it. Please. I’m begging you.”
Archer hums. “Fine. But only because I get a kick out of begging, and you asked so nicely.”
I groan, and Archer snorts.
When my face isn’t burning up anymore, I glance at Archer’s amused expression. But there’s also something else in his irises, something more profound and darker I can’t decipher. “Why are you like that?”
“Like what?”
I shrug. “I don’t know.” I wave my hand around as though that would magically arrange the words in my head in a way that makes sense. “Just you. Being like this . You don’t hold back and seem to say whatever comes to mind without a filter.”
To my surprise, the upward tilt to his lips drops a bit. He turns his attention away from me and stares at the backyard instead.
“I just think we miss out on a lot because we’re too much in our head. Too prim, too proper. Too worried about what other people think. Not saying what we really feel. Censoring our thoughts.” His chest heaves with a sigh. “I’m not saying we should say everything that goes through our minds and start shit with everyone over everything, but how many opportunities or relationships do we inadvertently miss out on because we hold back?”
He leans his head against the back of the swing and tilts it my way. This might be the first time I’ve ever seen Archer serious. Even when we were younger, and I saw him fight a time or two, he always had a soft upward curve to his lips. Sometimes, he was genuinely amused. Other times, it was more of a mocking variety.
“We spend so much of our lives trying to be the person we think we should be. And for what? To get approval from society? To be loved by the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally anyway? If you’re honest and don’t keep secrets or other barriers between you and the people in your life, you quickly weed out the wrong people for you. And isn’t that kind of the point of your entire existence? To enjoy life to the fullest?”
His gaze is gentle, as if he’s fully aware of the storm he just created inside me. His words have spun into a swirling column of air, getting ready to decimate everything in their way, completely unstable and destructive, possessing the possibility to turn my entire life upside down with one solid hit.
If I let it happen. If I surrender to it.
Words form in my throat, but it’s so dry I have to swallow several times to get them out. “Are you trying to tell me something?”
“Maybe I am?”
His words are a drop of water on a hot rock, sizzling away my resolve instantly.
The question remains: will I let this storm consume my life, or will I retreat back to safety?
Is Holden worth the risk?